Being totally honest. Would you prefer it if your partner didn't have children?

[PickAPi]

I feel this way sometimes but in the sense that I don't really care either way, I'm perfectly happy with the way things are and our life and get on well with the kids but if I were to be totally honest and truthful, I would prefer it if it were just DH and I.

I think I believe this because I do like our time when it's just us and it does make you think 'it would be cool if it were like this all the time'. As much as I like the children I don't think being a step parent really brings anything extra to my life that I would hugely miss if it weren't there I guess, not that I don't like it, but I wouldn't miss it either.

I don't dislike my SC at all, I really do like them and we get on great.

I know I married a man with kids, like I say I really don't care either way, I'd never leave and I'd never, ever be unkind to the children, just musing.

Do any of you ladies have children with a SM?
My 2 children have a SM and I have never ever once given her any hassle or my ex. We never change plans at the last minute and neither do they. Me and my DH encourage the children to contact their dad and when they went through a stage of not wanting to go to his house we did everything we could to encourage them to go even if it was just for the day and once they were there they were fine.
We never demand anything or dictate when they can and can't have them. If they have to change a weekend because they've got plans that's fine it's life.
I wouldn't say we co-parent as such because what happens in our life is our and what they do with the kids is theirs but we do have the same ground rules and boundaries in place as the kids know where they are in both houses.
I can't bare sharing my children and had to not see DD on her birthday as it was dads turn and also we don't get them at Christmas but we aren't that selfish to keep them to ourselves they aren't objects to be used like some mums and dads do.
Women who use children as weapons should be very ashamed.
My ex was horrible to me and violent but never ever once have I worried for the children's safety or has he done anything to make me question their safety.
It's the children who suffer in the long run xx

@LRHRN - my three kids have a sm & yours is the way I've always behaved. Like you I have found parts of it incredibly difficult but as you say the kids are people not pawns & that was also my motivation.
I think this is one reason I REALLY struggled with exdp's situation - his ex made life very difficult for him via the kids which in turn made my life & that of my dc very difficult. As his kids got older they too manipulated him (learned behaviour from their dm) & honestly I just couldn't deal with it any longer & exdp was just lost in the situation. There's no doubt in my mind that if he hadn't had (those) kids & (that) exw we'd have stayed together - or at least I wouldn't have instigated a split.
That sucks but that's life.

We never change plans at the last minute and neither do they

See, you are the dream. This is how it should be. Of course there needs to be a bit of flexibility for work or emergencies, but I found the most stressful thing was the constant last minute chopping and changing of plans. And always for really rubbish reasons. 90% of the time it was either to do with the ex’s social life and 10% of the time it was her making unchangeable work commitments without checking with us first if we could have DSC.

My year of second maternity leave was made hellish by her continuous fucking around with the schedule. I swear she did it because she knew I was available and there was no excuse not to. I acknowledge that part of this was DH’s fault for handing all the running around and facilitation of pick ups/drop offs over to me. We argued constantly about it and I felt like leaving a couple of times just so that my time and my schedule could be my own and not dictated by her.

We never change plans at the last minute and neither do they

I think the key is to balance needs. Which it sounds you do and like you all operate with respect for one another.

IME SS’ Mums needs come first, she doesn’t consider that our household has any competing needs. In honesty she doesn’t consider her sons needs. She only considers her own and aslong as they’re met she’s happy. The whole world could crumble around her but aslong as she got a lie in and a posh hairdo she would have no idea.

Every conversation we start about SS care or arrangements is met with sentences that begin “I, me” I’ve said to DH notice how she never actually talks about SS, only herself. You have to continually draw her back to her son, even at school meetings etc. It’s so draining.

It's mental but fortunately not all women are evil and actually do put the kids first.
It's so sad that some of you have had to leave a loving relationship because the ex has manipulated the whole situation.
It's so unfair and I could rant about this situation all day.
The husbands need to step up and stop letting the evil bitches take over. The worse that can happen is that they will stop access but let's face it most of them are selfish and can't wait to ship the kids off for the weekend so they can spend their benefits on the piss. If they do then the dads can go to court to arrange access. It's that simple, call their bluff.

To be honest from my perspective I don't think this feeling always needs to be as complicated as there being an ex that is hard work.

In the last month alone I've seen threads on here saying people should not make a big song and dance about their marriage if it's either parties second, because it's nothing to shout about. And at that wedding, if the step kids don't walk you down the aisle/perform the ceremony/read their own vows you have been disgustingly self absorbed. I have seen people calling step mothers selfish for having/wanting their own children without prioritising their step children above that desire. And forget any degree of taking it easy once the baby is born, you should be having the step children to stay more so they don't feel left out, probably looking after the baby without your partner's support so they can focus on 1:1 time with the step kids. Then there's things like wanting to experience a holiday with just your own child and partner, and never being able to. More generally, not a day goes by where I don't read at least one person telling a step parent they need to accept and expect being less important to their DP than their kids.

It's hard to argue that a step parent's life wouldn't be that bit better if they didn't have to deal with any of those things (including the judgement of strangers) and didn't have to put somebody else's kid (however nice) at the heart of everything major that happens in their life.

Like you OP, a lot of us just accept it as a necessary sacrifice to be with our partners, but that's not to say it wouldn't be preferable on a personal level for it to hypothetically not be necessary.

Very well said' @aSofaNearYou

Exactly @aSofaNearYou. It's really nothing to do with a difficult ex for me. Just the whole set up, the only benefit to me is getting to be with DH.

I think my focus on the ex is so to the fore because she directly influenced the kids to not accept me or my kids.
Her constant "you should be more important than Magda & your dad doesn't love you as much as I do if he doesn't prioritise you over Magda all the time" really set the tone for the kids behaviour & attitude.
I will also say that this tone also seeped into the kids dealings with a few members of exdp's family who felt the need to step in and rescue "the poor sad children" often without exdp's knowledge & in their eyes I was an awful person because I didn't bend over backwards to facilitate their every whim & grievance.
I would agree it's not always the ex but I do think that society still seems to the first family as the 'proper' family & any subsequent relationships or children are just an irritating inconvenience.
When I was with exdp I regularly had my own friends refer to dp's ex as "the wife". I couldn't count the amount of times I'd have to pull them up & point out that he was divorced!!! I think there still exists a very deep rooted prejudice in favour of 'The First Wives Club!!!

100% yes. I've had my ups and downs with my stepkids as anyone who has read my posts will know. At the end of the day, I have someone else's kids staying at my house 3 days a week. That's the reality of it.

To pose the question another way, how many of you would continue to see their stepkids if their partner passed away? I had this conversation with my husband and he was shocked when I said I wouldn't go out of my way to see them. They come to see their dad when they stay, not me.

If I'd been replying on this thread 6 months ago I'd have said that DSD absolutely made my life better and I prefer having her around than not. In the last six months however she's reached full teenager mode and it's been a struggle, but I think her mum and dad would say the same too.

Again though, we have no real issues with the ex that probably helps.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 I would absolutely try my best to keep a relationship with her if DP isn't around

To pose the question another way, how many of you would continue to see their stepkids if their partner passed away?

I wouldn't go out of my way to, no.

I would agree it's not always the ex but I do think that society still seems to the first family as the 'proper' family & any subsequent relationships or children are just an irritating inconvenience. When I was with exdp I regularly had my own friends refer to dp's ex as "the wife". I couldn't count the amount of times I'd have to pull them up & point out that he was divorced!!! I think there still exists a very deep rooted prejudice in favour of 'The First Wives Club!!!

Very true Magda. This is why I don't think there really needs to be any specific grievance with the ex or the step kids themselves for it to be a detriment to the step parent.

I had no idea before becoming a step parent what a lonely experience it was going to be. Almost every reference you see to step parents in the media is derogatory. In everyday life you face judgement regularly and people for some reason don't treat you with the same tact they would someone in a "first" relationship. The very first person I told I was pregnant with DD said only "how are you going to tell SS's mum?" It didn't even occur to them to congratulate me, even though the were my friend and had never met SS's mum. That moment has stayed with me ever since.

There are so many moments like that that make it so there is already a pretty large dampener on your relationship before it even begins. Given that in order to be in a "second" relationship, the person would generally have had to be unhappy enough in the first to leave it despite that being a huge amount of upheaval, meaning the second relationship was even more hard fought for than the average relationship, I find it odd that people treat the first relationship as though it's the only "real" one. How inadvertently cruel is that for the person who actually made the active decision to leave it behind? But the mindset is very real and prevalent, and it makes being a step parent that bit worse than not needing to be a step parent more or less every day, before you even bring any issues to do with the ex and kids into the equation.

@aSofaNearYou I do take your point, but given my husband's ex came out and is now with a woman, I would argue that our relationship is the 'real' one! 😉

I would agree it's not always the ex but I do think that society still seems to the first family as the 'proper' family & any subsequent relationships or children are just an irritating inconvenience.

This.

Is so frustrating. The children are treated so differently by in-laws.

I agree that the extremely prevalent ‘first = best’ attitude that you encounter everywhere makes things much harder. And it IS really stupid because the very fact there is a second means the first ended (and statistics suggest it probably ended in failure).

@StressyDressyHeels

I would agree it's not always the ex but I do think that society still seems to the first family as the 'proper' family & any subsequent relationships or children are just an irritating inconvenience.

This.

Is so frustrating. The children are treated so differently by in-laws.

Yep. So true. Same here. And me too, I was never welcomed by dps parents really because his ex was close with them.

1000%.
My 3 SC live with us and I hate it.

But what if both parties have a 'first family' each and no further kids together? That situation often gets overlooked.

^ honestly I think Dads children get overlooked and Mums prioritised. I really feel for kids in this situation.

@LyingDogsLie1

^ honestly I think Dads children get overlooked and Mums prioritised. I really feel for kids in this situation.

I would have said the opposite. Resident children are disregarded, visiting children more important.

I would agree it's not always the ex but I do think that society still seems to the first family as the 'proper' family & any subsequent relationships or children are just an irritating inconvenience.

I don't know about this. My DB has a second family....and that's not how it is with us. We have family gatherings with all his kids and my SIL...his second wife.

They all just blend together and none of us see my SIL and my youngest DN as an inconvenience.

SIL has been welcomed by all our family friends too....we've met her family (parents and siblings) and we get along well.

From the perspective of my SIL...I know she gets along well with my DNs and even when my brother is out of town working... they still go over to DBs/SIL'S house to see her and stay over.

I guess you mostly read about the difficult relationships...be they step families or otherwise on any support forum.

I think the opposite too @TrustTheGeneGenie we had to accommodate SS and his attitude and tantrums and my kids were pushed out cause we spent the whole time dealing with that which would put us in a mood which would therefore affect my children.
I don't care what anyone says it's an absolute blessing that he won't see us anymore and I have no intention of seeing him before he's old enough to want a relationship and IMO he's not going to want to cause his mum babies him and keeps him in his room.
It's nothing to do with jealousy towards the child like most people will say the issue is I don't want a disrespectful child in my family who we have no say over and know nothing about. I may aswell have a strangers kid living with us at weekends.
My husband has never been allowed to form a relationship with his son nor have I because of the ex she's always made it very difficult as she wanted him for herself. We have never had birthdays or Xmas with him and she'd tell us he wasn't coming when we were almost there to fetch him (1hr30min drive)
If we'd of been allowed a relationship things could of been a lot different cause I really liked him at the start but his mums jealousy ruined it even though her and my husband were never in a relationship.
People will probably say he's abandoned his child but that's not the case at all ss mother has forced us out and I'm 100% sure that's the same in so many cases

@SandyY2K I honestly think your family's experience is the exception to the rule. Generally speaking where I am, second wives/partners, their kids & any subsequent kids are treated like afterthoughts.
When exh & I split his family still tried to treat me as his dw which on the one hand was kind of them but on the other hand must have been awful for his partner. I just stepped out of the picture tbh & made that space available to her because no matter how well I got on with them it was no longer my place.
I'm in Ireland where divorce is relatively new (25 years or so) & honestly the ingrained attitude is still one of "isn't it awful they allowed themselves to split up - think of the poor children!" I can't speak for the UK but here divorce is still a catastrophe & the inability to comprehend the second family as anything other than second best is still to the fore. Attitudes are changing but slowly.

@Magda72

SandyY2K I honestly think your family's experience is the exception to the rule.

I don't know if it's to do with individual personalities or culture.

With my brother...his wife has been brought in and she's accented....it's the same with other friends I know who are divorced.... we take their new partner male/female into the friendship groups. I actually find the first wife is fully displaced and no longer a part of the set up.

Their only joint DC is an absolute joy and is thoroughly loved like the all the other DC in the family. If anything...he gets lots of attention as the youngest abs the older kids fuss around him.

Thinking about it....my family are pretty close

I imagine that's how my ex SILS new partner is welcomed into her family and friendship groups too.

I keep in touch with my ex SIL...she's the mother of my DNs and I never want my DNs to feel she cannot be mentioned when they're with our side of the family.

It's sad that many of you have had a different experience and feel like an inconvenience and an afterthought.