Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

He is being worked from behind and manipulated by guilt. He knows he has not done his best for her, he knows he has let her down. But, I wonder how many times he has heard, “she’s your daughter” over the last few weeks.
The cancer stunt is an old trick, up there with “I think I’m pregnant” as a man tries to leave a relationship, along with “the cheque is in the post”.
The ONLY way this would work is if you have family counselling, even if it’s just your family as the SD.
My main concern is if she ramps up the pressure because she feels she’s being hard done by, what happens if god forbid, your new baby is a screamer, that needs to be held all the time? You are going to take some time to recover after SPD, no doubt your teens will step up but will she?
There is no way she can live there consequence free, rules apply to all or none, chores are awarded to all or none and he does them all.
The ignoring you is a form of abuse, he is a bully and just as manipulative as they are, your SD learned from the experts.
You have to do what is best for you and your four children. If he is desperate for her to move, he better find a way of making her a bedroom, there is no way your almost 17 year old will share with a very young 15 year old and it is very unfair of him to ask that.
I don’t think there is any winners in this, he is unloading his own guilt for being a shit parent to her onto you. You have nothing to feel guilty for, you are not the cruel hard hearted Person he is trying to convince you, that you are.
I found your balls for you 🏐🏐 can I suggest you kick them at his head?

I realise that SD needs support and kindness but I also feel that you OP are being really neglected by your dh, you are pregnant and immobile and looking after 3 kids already and your MH is poor, I cannot believe how callous and neglectful you're dh is to suggest that a troubled child move in on top of that whole situation

I just wonder too what dd envisages if she did move in will she toe the line with chores manners behaviour or will she challenge refuse and even his will she behave to her step siblings who have lived this entitled life she now wants all along.

I would walk over coals before I would let her move in at the moment as I reallt my don't think it s a fair thing to put on you and I wonder if your dh is very present to your and his kids at the moment. How is he parenting them when he must be in crisis with SD ?

I would not bow to the pressure of having SD move in. I do suggest you and dh getting some councilling and suppprt to work through this as a unit would be good.

SD might benefit from a gradual introduction to your family a little more, a compromise- more visits, whereby she has chores, does homework or part of family life, agrees to abide by rules of your home, agreees that you as a step parent have equal footing with her Dad, where there are consequences for behaviour - fair consequences and boundaries.

I think the last thing you should do is let SD s current escalation of behaviour result in her moving in, there will be no ceiling to what her behaviour allows her to achieve if she doesn't learn that she cannot just leap from house to house and treat people miserably. Also that the family operates as a unit and not jmjjst revolves around her.

Do you think that having another baby on the way is unsettling her and she is looking for more of your dh s attention and is insecure ? This could be a cry for help.
However it doesn't sound like the healthy response would be to have her move in.

He's not pulling any punches is he OP .

Threatening you with taking your son, calling you mentally unwell and unfit, unreasonable, inhuman, pathetic. That's quite a list and shocking to hear from someone who should have your back at all times.

He seems unwilling to recognise the risks here. He is upping the ante until he quite literally bullies you into submission.

Will he not even entertain the idea of moving onto DGP's with SD for a trial period and slowly introducing her to the family again? Does he not recognise that she is a stranger to the youngest DS and he'll need to get to know her before she moves in?

There are so many questions that he needs to answer in order to reassure you about this whole situation - instead, he's resorted to emotional blackmail and threats to take your youngest DS from you.

This is awful to read and I am on pins thinking about your situation. I'm sorry OP, but I really would be contracting a solicitor specialising in family law and seeking the advice of mediation.

Yep Mr Wonderful Manipulator versus sensible boundary setting Mum...

Please phone the HV and tell her you need to speak to her in private urgently.

Yes! Health Visitory! Do it.

OP, remind your DH that her lies have successfully destroyed your relationship with your PIL's - she wields this power, so no, she isn't a harmless child who's lies can be swept away.

*Visitor

She's your way forward for now. She can be your professional input before more serious assistance is called for.

Good call! Do it!!! She may get the help ball rolling!!!

If everyone else is over it why aren't the PILs now reaching out to you?? Why don't they want a relationship with your 6 year old?

Even leaving that message for the HV should trigger to them that things aren't ok. You need to tell them all of it including that your DH is threatening to take your DS away from you.

How well do you get on with your ex? It could be worth earning him and his wife what is going on as your DC will be picking up on the atmosphere.

The biggest risk of DSD moving in is that she will up the anti by accusing your older DS of some form of SA/offence.

Op I am both upset & furious reading your update this morning.
You are NOT an awful person. I take back what I said in my previous post - it sounds like your h knows exactly what he's doing; he aims to bully you into submission.
DO NOT LET HIM.
I'm not in the UK but I cannot for one minute think that his threat to take your ds would hold any weight.
I don't know your exact situation but my advice would be to:
A) get a solicitor even if only for some advice &
B) get a family member/friend around to stay with you while you ask him to leave - for a short while or indefinitely, that's your decision.
What he has said you you is disgusting & unfortunately I am all too familiar with that behaviour having been married to it.
However - I will say that post separation & divorce I have been able to establish a decent parenting relationship with my exh. Because I am no longer in a relationship with him I'm able to approach our parenting relationship without emotion (thank you therapy). My point being that for me separating from a man like this was a very positive thing & my children's relationship with their df didn't tank & they are all happy & well adjusted teens & YA's.
In my situation I didn't so much lose my balls as learn how to acquiesce to keep the peace/stop him sulking & yes, he had me convinced that I was uncaring & intolerant of all the woes in his life. My exh was a drinker also & when I finally had enough (therapy helped me with this) & started rejecting his bullying & manipulative behaviour he threatened to leave me - so I packed a few bags for him, told him to stop threatening to leave & to go - much to his consternation. I came out of that marriage believing the crap he had told me about myself but a few months later I realised he had spent years making me feel bad so he could feel good about himself & that I'm actually a fair & grounded person. Bullies fuel their own (lacking) self esteem by feeding off others.
I know you are pregnant & I so feel for you but please try and step out of your situation & see it for what it is. You are being bullied & manipulated & the only one who can stop it is you. Issues with your dsd are actually not the problem - the problem is your h.
Look for support from others in your life - there is no shame in that - & put you & your kids first.

And yes - also call your health visitor & do it now - the HV whose visit your h previously hijacked. Excellent idea from @RandomMess & others.

Agree with PPs . The Daddy Master Manipulator and Liar has bred a mini-me and is determined to make it anyone else’s problem but his.
If everyone else is over it then why does your poor DS still have no relationship with his GPs? Why have they not been on the phone to say “she’s a nightmare, we fucked up, so sorry for how we treated you can you forgive us?”. Why has DSD herself not reached out to you to say “I was an arsehole of a 12 year old to have caused all this trouble, I know better now and I want to make ammends. I’m sorry. Please forgive me”.

Why not? Because they are a bunch of rotten people and they aren’t sorry and they have not moved on. But OP is supposed to just accept her maltreatment with good grace and meekly allow the same to be dished out to her own children?

No no no no no no no no no!

Please don’t doubt yourself for a second OP. Internet ransoms on MN have your back even if your DH doesn’t. I’m sure I speak for all the others when I say we will come back again and again every time you need reassurance that it’s not you at fault here.

Stay strong

You've had some amazing advice on here OP; you have to put your own health the health of your unborn child and your own children's wants and needs before your husbands daughter!! Just remember you are an amazing mum and that NO is a complete sentence bunch of arseholes 💐 for you

OP, you need an audit trail. Contact your health visitor or GP or both. Tell them precisely that you are feeling very stressed, that you husband threatened you to take you son away unless you agree to move in his teenage daughter who put forward false allegations against you and your children and haven't said a word to you for 3 years.
It will be very useful to have it on record

Yes OP. If you can muster the strength, please see your GP. It'll be down on record why you are feeling such strain on your mental health.

Shine a light on all of this. I wish we could do more.

I don't think you're an awful person at all and I can hear the fear about what will happen coming through in your posts.
I also agree that your husband is being very unkind and manipulative and putting all this on you.

However, I do think that something has to give. This child isn't going anywhere and does need her father and does need to find a way to be back in your family.
It was absolutely the wrong thing to remove her completely from the family and make her 'other' as that had likely only fuelled this car crash situation.
The blame isn't on you for that OP, your husband has completely fucked up here.

Unfortunately, the worst thing that could have happened is for her mother to have this level of influence over her in the past 3 years as she's been allowed to continue to manipulate and poison unhindered and unchecked.

How can you see things moving forward?
What are your red lines? Where are you willing to compromise?

Write it down, clearly and try and keep the emotion out of it.

So, can you accept no apology and no discussion about the past? A clean slate but with clear behaviour expectations that apply to all members of the household?
I think this is the only way you've all got a chance tbh.

What can happen in the house to make sure your daughter doesn't have to share with her if she reasonably doesn't want to?

What's your husband's plan for discipline, supervision etc?

What's the contingency if it all kicks off? He needs to sort this not you.

I don't know what the latest is with mum but it'll be clear soon if the cancer thing is bullshit. If mum is lying and if she has coerced her daughter into lying, I see that as clear emotional abuse.
This child is a product of shitty parenting and someone is going to need to step up and parent her.
Your husband is going to need to be that person and he's going to need to do the heavy lifting.

I missed the middle bit about him threatening to keep your son from you, fucking hell OP.

The post below is if you want to sort it obviously. I think you'd be absolutely reasonable to say enough, I'm not doing this now. I'm sorry I didn't read more thoroughly.
God, he's a cunt isn't he. Makes me wonder how is ex ended up so toxic and bitter.

I agree with pp that you need to make some phone calls this morning to your health visitor, doctor and a solicitor. Your ex also needs to know what is happening because it will affect your older children.

Your DH was incredibly nasty to threaten to take your DS and use your mental health against you. That’s abuse pure and simple. Your priority now has to be to protect yourself and your children from him as well as SD.

Sorry that you are being treated so badly @Mummafee

The threat to remove your son is horrendous as well as claiming you are being manipulative using your pregnancy. Hes really got you down as the big bad wolf.
His behaviour is shocking and very abusive.

If you havent confided in people/loved ones in real life you really need to.
Your Mum/dad or siblings/bestfriend.
You need some proper support here from people who care about you.

Personally I would ask him to leave his behaviour is out of control, he needs an awakening to this, he seems to think he can say and do as he likes and you will be there.
Get your trusted people in real life and tell them exactly what is going on.

Threatening to take your son is so horrible. He won 't be able to, but bullying you like this shows what sort of person he is - I can't see your relationship recovering from this and to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if your mental health improves if you seperate from him.
Right now you need real life support - your mum, a friend. Call the HV and leave a message saying you need urgently to speak to her privately, I'm sure he sat in on the meeting to stop you getting help.
Ask him to leave, suggest he finds a short term rental for him and SD.

Stand firm OP. You are not in any way mentally ill, stressed and anxious caused by him and his daughter yes... But not mentally ill. Get onto your midwife for support. He is emotionally abusing you.

Put it back on him, ask him to arrange family counselling for you all. You, DSD and DP first and then your older too. He will not be able to hide from fact with in an impartial person when all feelings are brought to the table. When me and DH had couple counselling after DSD nearly broke our marriage, he walked out because the hard facts were true and the counsellor agreed what needed to happen in regards to the step kids. That said, he did then have a separate session and whatever the counsellor said worked because he then saw he was being unreasonable to expect DSD to waltz back in like nothing had happened.

Through all this you have supported him and all your asking for is closure, admittance and an apology..... You'd think he and her were being asked to cut off their own legs the way they are acting.

I wish I could give you a big hug right now! You are one strong woman and are dealing with so much stress (that isn't of your own making) at a very vulnerable time.

I think you need to immediately cut out this stress, it is not doing your unborn child, you or your children any good. He needs to move out. As for the threats of keeping his son away from you, this is his true character. His daughter is a product of his and his ex's parenting skills which is another hint to his character.

As for the ex's cancer I fear there is a lot of exaggeration in her story. I bet she is telling you the worst case scenario without the diagnosis. If she is having an op I bet it's a biopsy to see how advanced, what type it is. They wouldn't operate with a 2 month life span they wouldn't treat it either! Don't be surprised if a few weeks down the line she claims she has bern cured!

I know that isn't easy and the choices you need to make at this time in your life are just plain unacceptable. But you are made of strong stuff, you are reflective, you take everyone including your step daughter into consideration in your posts. You are worth so so so much more than what this man can offer you. I'm normally the person who says yes you can fix this! But in this situation too much water under the bridge and his attitude is destructive, he actually is the key if he stepped up none of this would be happening.

Wishing you the absolute best x concentrate on the new bundle of joy you are going to have xx

I know it's a no no to show partners threads but he really needs a wake up call.

Thank you for all your posts and reflections. I honestly don’t know what I would be thinking without it right now.
I sadly see now that what I am dealing with is not just the SD issue. My initial post was about how can I fix this issue with my SD...that’s always been my agenda.. but sadly it seems this will come at such a cost to me and my DC... and that this doesn’t actually fix the issue in reality... it will likely create a whole lot more in my opinion.

This issue has now evolved due to his response to me over this, and the way he has spoken to me (and it’s not the first time) is I feel under the circumstances really quite cruel and also shows what he really feels about me. He makes me believe that I am in the wrong but having this forum has enforced the part of me that always felt that it wasn’t normal or okay.
It’s so hard as like I’ve said I do love him and he does have a complete opposite side to this.. which is loving, funny and amazing.
10 years... 2 more children... What have I done?
I have called my midwife today and I’m waiting for a call back.
I am heartbroken to be honest... for me... for my DC. And gosh I am angry... I’m angry at him but I’m angry at myself...I’ve allowed this... and I’ve been ignorant and denied the truth because it would hurt too much... but now I don’t have a choice. I feel backed into a corner.
He knows my MH hasn’t been good... but to use it against me and then to berate and bully me? And then threaten to take our DS from me. (I guess this is just another example of how he won’t do what’s in the best interest of the children)
He knows that all Im asking for is an acknowledgement and an apology... but even after all this time he can’t or won’t stand up for me..even though he knows me and my DC have done nothing wrong.. so I see that nothing has really changed and I must be a fucking idiot for holding on for hope.
I was starting to write him a letter (as trying to talk to him doesn’t seem to work) but I can’t seem to find the words to explain what I want to. I may have to copy some of what you have all written to help me.
I feel today that we have crossed a line... I’ve shown him a different side of me (which he doesn’t like) and I’ve seen a side of him that I’ve denied was there. Xx

I wish I could give you a hug too

Good parenting is about teaching our DC the consequences of their actions, putting in boundaries etc.

I guess you can focus that your differing parenting styles are not compatible but you are confident that you will be able to co-parent together.

I would tell him that it was a low and cruel blow to threaten you with taking DS away and using your temporary poor MH that is down to pregnancy hormones as he well knows. This is also a way of documenting what he said in writing for when he tries to deny it.

You cannot possibly move out compared to him, you can ask that he sorts out alternative accommodation that is suitable for him to have DS for overnights as well as DSD.

So sorry that this situation is evolving in the manner that it is evolving. It is not likely that your husband is going to take any action before the birth of your next child. It may be that he has had conversations or a good sense of how the older children would feel or respond to the the return of his daughter.

You will do what you feel compelled to do and he will probably fell compelled to do the same.

If you are thinking about court, if he has been awarded visitation, the court is not going to rescind his visitation. If the mother is willing to agree to his having full custody, the court will award him full custody.

A judge is not likely to say that a child should be banned from a home for something that the court or the mental health system would not have removed her from the home for those particular actions. . I have never heard of courts support removal or banning a child except for the most extreme situations.

If the 2 of you separate, the court will without doubt award some amount of visitation to your husband; there will be no way to avoid your step daughter having contact with at least 2 of your children.

Separation and divorce will only ensure that you no longer need have contact with your step daughter.

If this ends up in a court, the court will not be looking at this through the lens of angry and supportive SMs.The court will be looking through the lens of the law and the best interest of the child.

Both you and your husband should take a deep breath and rethink your particular next steps.

Are you prepared for and capable of being a single parent of 4 children? Is he capable of and ready to become the single parent of 3 children? Is this what either of you want, because it is where you all seem to be headed.

An honest assessment would suggest that he may be in the better position to be a single parent , as without you in the picture, his parents might step up to help him with child care .

These may not be the things that you wish to focus on but these are the realities that you will be facing. Real life and legal realities may not be the same as internet consensus.

There is still time for you and your husband to seek family.counseling.
You are not likely going to prevail in keeping the child out of your home , and a court is not likely going to care what she said as a 12 year old particularly if they would not have deemed that to be grounds to remove or ban her from the home..

Focusing on the here and now and moving forward will be impetus for the courts. A 15 year old with a SP who has not seen or interacted with her in 3 years and a biological mother with hea!th issues (even though those issues may or may not be terminal) is going to be a child that the courts will be inclined to ensure that she has whatever housing arrangements to which the biological parents agree. The courts will likely suggest or require therapy for the daughter and counseling for the family.

Now might be the time to begin making your decisions based more on advice from a solicitor or attorney and less on consensus input.

Your baby will be fine. Babies all over the world are born to mothers in stressful situations and manage to do well. Your 2nd child seemingly managed well inspite of the PND that your experienced during your pregnancy with him.

Please, no matter how this situation is resolved, try to get counseling for yourself and your family.

If you believe in prayer, this might be a good time to make the Serenity Prayer your new mantra.

May God keep all of you in His loving care.