Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

He's trying to force this on all of you. That's why he wanted to pick your son up from his activity with SD in the car.

And nothing has been said about the surgery I'm guessing?

He wanted them together because he thinks that all will be fine. He thinks you're making too big a deal of it. Everyone but you is 'over it'. He is very pissed off that his precious DD is 'being treated like a pariah' or like an unexploded bomb. He wants everyone to be normal.

And you don't want your children anywhere near her and he made that phone call in front of DD so now she's seen it too. It was fucking stupid of him to do that - divisive and childish. It helped nothing. It was supposed to be a 'see, your DS is fine' one down two to go thing. As many have said he's kind of sliding her in without you noticing.

I think much as you have compassion you are still angry at being expected to act like nothing has happened, at the SD manipulations, at his railroading of you, at his throwing you under the bus to his ex, and mostly at how nasty and shitty the SD has been. You spent a number of years looking after her and you will have seen the look on her face while she was pretending to be distraught. The fake crying with no tears, the micro expressions of triumph, the inability to quite suppress her glee at winning. Am I right?

He of course sees none of that. You do got to get this CAHMS show on the road while the ex is out of the way, this girl isn't getting better on her own and even if she doesn't live with you she will be visiting more.

If you can't discuss the fact that she MUST acknowledge what happened, she must follow house rules when visiting, she must pitch in like the others a as if that you s as bc he need to get her help (with him taking over most of it) then I honestly don't see where there is to go.

Enough if the huffing and banging, he needs to grow the fuck up. No wonder she's such a mess

Forgive my typos! Surprisingly fat fingers on my phone!

He's trying to force this on all of you. That's why he wanted to pick your son up from his activity with SD in the car

Maybe he just thought it would be a low key way for the two of them to meet each other again. It sounds like if you are going to stay together she is going to be around much more and you have to start somewhere.

Show him the thread.

He's not listening to you and you are too much of a convenient scapegoat.

I replied saying I didn’t think it was appropriate right now as he’s never done this before

What a disgustingly manipulative thing to do, and so transparent seeing as he's never offered before. He set it up as a win-win for him - he either got to drag your DC into this situation if you said yes, or paint you as the bad guy to DSD if you said no. This man is not on your side.

Just a note of caution about CAMHS. Even if a referral is made, it's not going to be a quick fix. She could wait a couple of months to be assessed and could then sit on a long waiting list for treatment. If she doesn't engage they might discharge.
This all assumes she actually has a mental health problem.
If the family want to get something in place urgently, they are probably going to have to pay for it as it doesn't sound from what's been said here like she is in mental health crisis currently.

I'm not trying to be negative but it's important to be realistic about what might be offered at this stage.

@Rae36 if you read the entire thread, I think you will understand why that is not a good idea right now.

Maybe he just thought it would be a low key way for the two of them to meet each other again. It sounds like if you are going to stay together she is going to be around much more and you have to start somewhere.

He had no right to put OP or DS on the spot to agree to DS seeing his step sister again without any preparation. What would have happened if they'd been in the car together and DSD started her abuse again, especially since the DH has recently stated there will be no intervention or consequences for DSD if she steps out of line?

As I said before YOU are going to be demonized here. It’s already happening. Call HW and ask for help ASAP!!!

What a horrible situation. A man who puts his heavily pregnant wife though so much stress is disgraceful. Even if his teenage daughter really suddenly needed so much support it can't justify the harm he is causing his unborn child.
In your shoes I would calmly tell him she is not coming to live with you now until everyone is happy with the situation and at least respect each other. If he doesn't like it you have no choice but to start divorce process. He can't kick you out of the house. Get yourself a lawyer.
If there is a glimpse of hope of him being reasonable then suggest revising this situation in 2 months time once the baby is born.
YOU have to fight for your own interests, your DH won't

Maybe dh had hoped your ds would back down and agree to his suggestion of the lift to try get him on side with dsd without you around.. Sneaky regardless imo.

Turn it back on him, ask him how would he feel if your DD, his step child randomly came to you tomorrow and said DH had hit her or touched her or had emotionally abused her..... If DH is half a as good a dad as you say he would be devastated.....

So your SD's family have happily accepted your 'emotionally abusing' her story for the past 3 years ... but now she wants to move into yours.. this 'abusive history' has suddenly all but forgotten .. well I'm sorry but I think this is disgusting behaviour and NO I would not be accepting her back 🌺

Again op I will say that your dh sounds like an expert manipulator. Yes I am being coloured by my own past but years & years of therapy has taught me to spot the signs a mile off.
I'm not saying he's necessarily a bad person & he may not even be aware of what he's doing, but manipulation is in his psychological dna & he's using it (& used to using it) very effectively.
He has himself set up as the good cop parent.
He sat in with your HV so you didn't feel you could speak freely.
He put you on the spot this evening in front of his dd in order to project onto her that all is fine - the only problem is you're being unreasonable!
He's stitching you up every single way because this is a man who is used to getting everything he wants & will do whatever it takes to get HIS needs met. Without intervention or a light bulb moment people like this do not change and they create chaos in the lives of those around them by using the whole "I'm Mr. Wonderful how could I possibly be the unreasonable one - don't I do everything for everyone & people are so awful because they don't appreciate all I do" trope!
Your dh & his 'first family' seem to relate to each other via a series of manipulations & this dynamic was well established before you came on the scene. In this sense all three of them have never broken free of the dynamic & now you & your dc are all suffering because of it.

Another huge upset..I asked him about today... he says I’m manipulative and that I’m inhuman. He says I’m using the baby and my MH as a poor excuse to not deal with the situation. That holding onto this grudge and making it about me is pathetic. She’s a child and his daughter and I should be doing everything I can to support her and fixing this. He’s her dad and she’s seriously depressed and she can’t even come to his house because of me.
Now he doesn’t want to talk to me. Says I’m unreasonable and mentally ill and that for now it’s probably best we don’t speak but that he resents me and will eventually love me less and less because of it. I said I think it’s best we separate and he said whatever but he will be taking our DS and will not stop till he has him because anyone that would treat a child the way I am has to be mentally ill.
He says that he does everything to hold our family together and that I should be looking after him too as this situation with his DD is all he can think about. He’s consumed by it and I’m stopping him from being there for her and being a part of our family which is what she needs right now as we can help her. She’s a child and I need to grow up. That I’m the only one with a problem still.

I’m so tired of the drama. I’m wondering what all this stress is doing to my baby. I am feeling very depressed.
I do feel so sad about this situation and I do want to sort it too but I just feel so bullied into doing it their way and on their terms.
He said I was so angry at SD and it’s not normal to be that angry at a child. I told him I was actually more angry at him for how he’s dealt with it all. He didn’t like that! And then he said it doesn’t matter now what he should have done. it’s in the past so move on...

I know your a group of people who don’t know me really but I know you will be honest... am I really this awful person he says? Should I just back down as she is just a kid going through something awful and support my DH... or should I just walk away because he’s actually being manipulative and isn’t addressing the issues but I leave also knowing that I doubt this will end well.

And somehow through either overcoming my current MH and the fact I’m having a baby in a month.
I’m heartbroken we got here.. sorry for rant. I just feel really really alone and very confused. X

Call a solicitor, OP. Tomorrow.

You are not a bad person. You are good and strong mother protecting your kids.

He is angry that you won't clean up his mess.

If he truly believes that this is a mental health issue, he has a terrible manner in supporting you!

It isnt a mental health issue, you are being reasonable and trying to stop this madness impacting on your children negatively. He is not behaving in a reasonable manner, he needed very little excuse (cancer claim) to turn on you completely. I'm sorry but you do not deserve to be spoken to that way.

If he truly thinks that this situation warrants bullying his heavily pregnant, maligned wife, then i am sorry, he isnt good enough for you. He is behaving in a terribly aggressive and manipulative manner. You are being reasonable asking for a pause for thought, to care for your children and yourself.

DSD has not had a diagnosis, one would expect that she wouldn't want to be separated from her mum for the final weeks of her life, were any of it true.

He is threatening you with things that will not come to pass. He will not get custody of ds. You have sought help for your MH issues, his clearly haven't even been acknowledged.

I'm sorry OP, I know that you speak of your husband in glowing terms, but his behaviour is atrocious. He isnt even letting you speak. The apple didn't fall far from the tree with him.

He’s consumed by it and I’m stopping him from being there for her and being a part of our family which is what she needs right now as we can help her. She’s a child and I need to grow up. That I’m the only one with a problem still.

What bs. He wants YOU to help her. He has no intentions of doing anything.

She needs professional involvement to figure how to help her. You are heavily pregnant, and she isn't your responsibility. Yes, you married her father. But she is not your child.

Your husband has STILL not explained just how he expects you to help SD when you have no authority over her. He's just throwing out accusations and manipulating you.

Ask him HOW you are supposed to help this child who has been damaged by her irresponsible parents. I bet he can't answer that. He will just throw out more accusations about your MH. That's a low fucking blow, and a nasty one at that.

Yes, ask him how YOU are meant to help a child who has been failed by both their parents, especially when you're also parenting 3 other children and caring for a newborn. Especially one you have no authority over and are not allowed to parent properly. Why does he think you will succeed where both her parents have failed with a child who has previously accused you of emotional abuse and your children of stealing? Ask him what role HE'S planning to play in this...or is it all on you? Tell him actually it DOES MATTER what he's done and it's not all in the past because, on the evidence you have, he's going to continue to be a shit parent and refuse to discipline SD when she's under your roof making everyone miserable and on edge. Make it clear that YOU can't help her... You have enough on your plate. And that what you'd need in order to even consider taking her is proof that he's willing to step up, actually parent her and sort out the complications her presence brings, because you've seen no evidence of it so far. Ask him why he is refusing to LISTEN to you, his pregnant wife, and address your concerns and is instead threatening to take your DS from you. Ask him whether what you want matters at all in your own home.

Agree on solicitor. He has absolutely no right to threaten to take your DS from you. I wouldn't worry though... He'll change his mind pretty quickly if he has to do the lion's share of the caring.

I should be doing everything I can to support her and fixing this

Very telling comment. Even if you could (which you can't), why is it your job to sort out their parenting cock-ups?

I should be looking after him too

. Remind him that you're 8 months pregnant and, when the baby comes, you're going to struggle to look after them and your other children, let alone anyone else.

Oh lovely I’m so sorry he’s being so horrible to you

His main angle of attack is that she is only a child...well for god’s sake man why the hell do you refuse to parent her? This entire situation has been caused by his absolute stubborn refusal to accept that since she is only a child she needs guidance, boundaries and consequences.

If any of what he said about how allegedly awful you are was true the last thing he should be doing is trying to push you and his daughter together. It is entirely because you are such a good person that he thinks you can and should mop up the mess that he and his ex have created. What kind of man is emotionally abusive towards his heavily pregnant wife?! The type who’s also a shit husband as well as a shit parent, that’s who.

Please don’t take to heart any comments you receive from him, his family or even on this forum trying to make you doubt yourself. Everyone is entitled to their own points of view but there are some behaviours that are unacceptable and inexcusable under any circumstances, and how he is acting towards you right now falls under this. He is abusing you, pure and simple. I know you’ll be screaming inside that he’s not abusive, he’s just under a lot of stress, but this is not a new pattern of behaviour from him. He has failed to have your back for the past 3 years and he’s failing you now.

You’re trying to reason with him and asking him how you and your children will be protected from DSD’s continuing hostility towards you all; if he was reassuring you how he plans to integrate DSD into the family and tackle any issues that arise, and what help he’s seeking for DSD’s “depression”, he might have a point about you being unsupportive. Instead he abuses you by calling you inhuman, manipulative and mentally unwell and threatens to take away your DS unless you agree to do all the hard work with DSD without any authority over her whatsoever, and no backup from her actual parents, and all this on top of having a newborn baby to cope with. Anyone with half a brain can see the situation he proposes is unworkable. Instead he’s trying to bully you into submission because he knows when it all goes tits up you’ll be the one dealing with all the fallout, not him, and he can point the finger at you that you didn’t try hard enough to make it work despite doing none of the work himself.

Don’t believe a word he says about your DS. He won’t fight for his daughter in any way that puts himself out personally (i.e by standing up to her or his ex or the GPs, or by getting his daughter professional help); he is fighting for what he sees as his right to make her your problem and your responsibility so like hell is he going to fight to take your DS away (he’d be laughed out of court anyway; you’re already the primary carer and they are not going to separate DS from his siblings just because your DH asks them to).

This is such a horrible time for you but if you cave it’ll be a billion times worse not just for you but also for your children. Their needs must be your primary focus, not what your abusive husband wants. It is all clicking into place why his daughter is the way she is... as a PP said the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree. There is no way this situation is going to end the way you want it to so focus on protecting them because they are the ones who are powerless in all this.

He is an absolute BULLY. He is manipulative and cruel. Don’t blame ex only for DSD’s behaviour. He is doing exactly the same thing. You need to call Social Services now he is threading to remove your child.

Also a solicitor, I suspect.