Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

Also, @vagoftheday, DH has already told the OP that he will not be making the SD abide by any rules or apologize for her past behavior. He says that she's already having a difficult time with her mother's situation, so he refuses to give SD boundaries. So the OP will have absolutely no control in the home.

"D"H also expects the SD to share a room with OP's teenage daughter- the daughter the SD accused of stealing.

There's just no way to make this safe without OP's useless husband and SD moving to another location.

Yes, SD is a very damaged child, and she is a product of her awful parents. But this isn't OP's mess to clean up. OP would have zero authority over the SD in her own home, and there are already 3 children and a baby on the way that will also suffer the collateral damage.

@DeRigueurMortis well said!

The OP has done everything in her power. But her 'D' H won't allow her to play a parenting role or to set rules or structure up. So there's a child in trouble she can't help and two parents making it worse. With no outside involvement and a very real risk to her own career and children.

The SD doesn't want to be 'held closer'. She wants the OP and her children gone. Out. And will stop at nothing to achieve that.

I agree @DeRigueurMortis he is a disgrace.

[quote Vodkacranberryplease]**@vagoftheday* If her mother does have terminal cancer (and I know it's a big if) then everyone needs to get their shit together because I've been that kid and life is going to get a whole lot harder especially if she knows she's not wanted in her father's home*

How awful for you. It must have been difficult - did you also make serious false allegations about multiple family members? Were you also completely unwilling to follow the rules of the house? If so how did you manage to stop?

Was it that you believed the lies at the time or just didn't think about the repercussions? Or just didn't care? Did you manage to get outside help then?

Originally she was welcomed into the OPs home. But didn't want the OP or her children there so took steps (in her young mind) to 'get rid' of them. Now, I was a pretty unruly child, and teen. But that was a line I could never have crossed.

She's also self harming and has made a suicide attempt. So troubled she might be but there is also a safeguarding issue and I can't see why you don't seem to think that it is serious enough to not try and get her professional help,[/quote]
I never said she doesn't need any help, she probably does. To be fair her father probably has no clue what help she has or hasn't had because he hasn't been an involved dad. I don't think it's for people on a forum to specify what help that is.

OP, this must be a terrible strain on you. Does he not see that?

You come across as bring incredibly reasonable and I suspect that's why he's pushing you - he wants your 'influence' to somehow fix everything. I need not point out that's he's again shirking his duty over his DD.

I honestly feel that both getting temporary accommodation together is the only option.

Why doesn't he live with his DP's for a little while?

@WelshMoth unfortunately his DPs have had a taste of his DD and lasted a whole two days before being unable to cope. Even though they dote on their GD snd believes everything that came out of her mouth. Well they did when the accusations were against the OP. They may have changed their tune by now. Not that they have apologised for this to the OP. Of course.

Maybe he could move in with his ex and her DP?

Actually that might be the answer - DH moves in with his parents and DD - to "heal" a family rift between GP's/Dd/DH....and take the pressure of the Ex.

The people who fucked this up need to be the ones to resolve it.

@vagoftheday I never said she doesn't need any help, she probably does. To be fair her father probably has no clue what help she has or hasn't had because he hasn't been an involved dad. I don't think it's for people on a forum to specify what help that is.

Well if you have been that girl with the lies and accusations and self harm perhaps you could make some specific suggestions? A PP who works with teens has talked about CAHMS and has said that this child must never be alone with anyone vulnerable. If CAHMS isn't right what is? I don't know if they have the money to go private. Surely CAHMS are the experts though? Aren't they the gateway to the various specialist services and therapies that can help?

Or are you suggesting that this is purely going to be solved by a change in parenting style? Or are you just simply saying that everyone except you is wrong and needs to go away? Because that's how it looks from here.

@DeRigueurMortis

Actually that might be the answer - DH moves in with his parents and DD - to "heal" a family rift between GP's/Dd/DH....and take the pressure of the Ex.

The people who fucked this up need to be the ones to resolve it.

I couldn't agree more but you know what the really scary thing is? They seem to have no idea they are responsible. They are all just pointing the finger at each other. The whole fucking lot of them.

The one person who could have made some difference (note the past tense) has been marginalised and treated like shit. And still is. And is hated by the child.

[quote Vodkacranberryplease]**@vagoftheday* I never said she doesn't need any help, she probably does. To be fair her father probably has no clue what help she has or hasn't had because he hasn't been an involved dad. I don't think it's for people on a forum to specify what help that is.*

Well if you have been that girl with the lies and accusations and self harm perhaps you could make some specific suggestions? A PP who works with teens has talked about CAHMS and has said that this child must never be alone with anyone vulnerable. If CAHMS isn't right what is? I don't know if they have the money to go private. Surely CAHMS are the experts though? Aren't they the gateway to the various specialist services and therapies that can help?

Or are you suggesting that this is purely going to be solved by a change in parenting style? Or are you just simply saying that everyone except you is wrong and needs to go away? Because that's how it looks from here.[/quote]
I was talking about bereavement and not the behavioural issues.

It is entirely possible that she does need help from CAMHS but we don't know for sure because we don't know what is at the root of this.
Of course I don't think this can be solved with parenting alone but actually it is quite common that a lot of work does need to be done by parents when dealing with challenging behaviors.

All I was trying to do with my posts is remind posters who are demonizing this child that they have been failed by their care givers because I really struggled to read so much vitriol directed towards her.

I'm not going to argue with you over this.

'I couldn't agree more but you know what the really scary thing is? They seem to have no idea they are responsible. They are all just pointing the finger at each other. The whole fucking lot of them.

The one person who could have made some difference (note the past tense) has been marginalised and treated like shit. And still is. And is hated by the child.'

So true!

'The people who fucked this up need to be the ones to resolve it.'

Absolutely!

I think the husband does probably realize that some of this is his fault. Does he think that he played a huge role in SD's behavior? No. He's blaming the ex, his parents, and SD herself for the majority of it.

I think that part of the reason he is so insistent on the OP having her back is because her kids are happy with healthy boundaries. So he wants her to fix this mess.

He's completely minimized his role in this entire mess. Now he wants to be the hero who "sorts his child's behavior out when her mom want able to."

How’s your day been today OP?

@Greyblueeyes

I think the husband does probably realize that some of this is his fault. Does he think that he played a huge role in SD's behavior? No. He's blaming the ex, his parents, and SD herself for the majority of it.

I think that part of the reason he is so insistent on the OP having her back is because her kids are happy with healthy boundaries. So he wants her to fix this mess.

He's completely minimized his role in this entire mess. Now he wants to be the hero who "sorts his child's behavior out when her mom want able to."

I think that is probably spot on. And yet you would think that if he had that opinion then he would 100% back his DW including ensuring they were both working together using her rules and her way of dealing with this. You would think he would tell his entire family, and especially his DD in no uncertain terms that his DW would only be involved if treated with respect and not undermined.

But you would be wrong. Instead he's ducked and dived and not been clear with anyone and allowed them to treat her like a servant.

He's already been told, and told his DW that DD will not be following the house rules. She will not be apologising and neither will those that took her at face value even though they now know the kid is a malicious liar. Sorry hurt child.

He wants her to fix it without giving her any of the tools or rights she needs. And without contributing or changing what he, and his awful ex, and horrible parents do or say. She's supposed to take responsibility for a teen that despises her and wishes her harm without having any power at all.

So he's allowing this girl to escalate and lash out and isn't going to do a fucking thing except hand her over to his wife, say "here you go, fix her" even though the OP has no means to do so. And has no way to keep herself and her children safe.

So she could lose her job, and her children. At the very least is supposed to deal with this while she can't move or has a newborn. It's just so evil. All of it. So calculated, manipulative and designed to inflict maximum damage.

And worst of all he thinks he's right. He thinks that anyone would think the OP is in the wrong here. How can anyone be so fucking stupid?

@Vodkacranberryplease

And worst of all he thinks he's right. He thinks that anyone would think the OP is in the wrong here. How can anyone be so fucking stupid?

It's his way or the highway. He is absolutely hopelessly deluded or just lazy.

What he is asking of OP is an impossible task. Frankly the way things are going, I think the SD will end up getting what she wants: her dad to herself. He has allowed this child to become so out of control that everyone else in his life suffers for it.

I don't think that he believes OP will call his bluff. I think he believes he can manipulate her into agreeing to his terms and he can then continue to be a non-parent of his stepdaughter. He's ultimately making OP out to be the bad guy here because she can't win. What a gutless disgrace of a husband and father.

I hope OP will give us an update soon. This is such worrying situation with her heavily pregnant.

@Vodkacranberryplease you bring up a good point. If he wanted to save his daughter, then he would be working with the ex to get her the help she needs.

I think he wants OP to fix the daughter and then he can take credit for it. That may partially be why he won't allow the OP any authority over the SD or instill boundaries.

I'm also wondering if he resents OP for trying to get him to parent better by handling the lying and setting boundaries. So when this whole mess blows up in his face, he can look at the OP and say, "hey you couldn't fix her either!" So he's making sure she fails from the get go.

I don't know. I'm speculating. But it sure seems like there are obvious things that could be done here to manage the SD's behavior, yet her parents refuse to even try.

@Greyblueeyes True it does seem to be so incredibly moronic. So either he is (well they all are) utterly dim or there's another little fucked up game running along side the many others.

Definitely agree that it's a competition between the ex and DH. Maybe DH wants to 'win' by being the preferred parent and if his DD won't stay because of his DWs rules, well then, you make sure the rules disappear. Anything to keep DD happy and be the preferred parent. Regardless of the cost.

And there they are all spinning around and around one 15 year old. Placating, competing, spoiling her, and yet she's getting worse and worse. She's only 15. This is just the start. She's got the whole lot of them jumping up and down and sits in the middle while chaos rages. That's a lot of power, and that much power and you in charge means you are not safe, in the teenage mind. No one is in charge.

And you're right. We are both speculating. But that's what people do. They speculate and some fits and some doesn't. Everyone looks at it differently and if you are the OP some of that speculation and discussion is going to reassure you that you are not BU, and some will help you work out what your possible options are.

Good Evening, I’ve just caught up on thread. Thank you for all your posts.
I am sorry it’s so late. I met my HV this morning and have been working today (it’s my last week- hurrah).

So today nothing was mentioned except he is taking SD out tomorrow. He hasn’t been attentive or anything towards me, but also has kinda acted like yesterday didn’t happen... and I haven’t wanted to bring it up either as I’ve just had to crack on and I feel incredibly anxious after yesterday’s rant.

So I’m just looking at some points made... yes I’m suspicious about the ‘2 months to live’ statement. I don’t know much about breast cancer so thank you for the info on that to those that shared. I too don’t think a child would want to be away from their mum if this was true (or vide-versa). Ex also has a 5 year old son so not sure where he is going through all this?
Mum is having an op tomorrow we’ve been told...

I noticed things were not quite right with SD quite early on and I explained to my DH then that I was concerned that if left she will have issues later on..
but it’s very much been a case of give her what she wants to make her happy and for an easy life... DH carries massive guilt issues for being in a split family and I think he knows that he has a huge part in how she has turned out.. the ex though thinks it’s all on DH and me (obv). It’s a shame though that even with this acknowledgement of some responsibility he can’t seem to ever bring himself to step up in the way he needs to for her.

I feel incredibly sad for her too. If you could see the kind of relationship we were building at the start you would know I am gutted things has turned out this way. We use to haveher 50 % of the time. she was difficult but I just tried to love her more as I knew she was finding certain things hard..
I just think the ex couldn’t stand it and my SD became more and more difficult to me and my DC and wanted dad to herself.

I suggested therapy ages ago for her and was
told that she was turned down from CAMHS..
Also that the local free teen counselling wouldn’t take her either. I know for a fact this is rubbish as I know what the criteria is for these services but this is what SD has said to DH. Again I agree this conversion should be between the parents but it doesn’t work like that in this situation sadly.

I did speak to my older DC and they are not keen on her coming back but also don’t want to upset their SD so want to be kept out of it and are trusting that we will make the right decision.

My DH very much thinks I am in the wrong right now and says I’m Unreasonable. He is angry and I can see resentment already.. If I talk about what happened in the past he just seems to brush it under the carpet like it’s nothing and says it’s not important anymore in the scheme of things.. that’s before and this is now.

I think I know how this story ends. But with baby due and as I have no where to go I’m going to have to find a way to be okay with how things are

Other children made my life hell all throughout my school years with racist bullying. Usually kids can’t get away with being vile to adults because adults tend to be in a position of power to take measures to stop it... unless you’re their step parent of course.

All this “she’s only a child” minimises the horrendous abuse that can occur at the hands of a minor when left unchallenged. It also ignores the fact that such sustained lies and abuse leaves your mental health in tatters so even if the child did suddenly turn round and apologise they can’t rely on their victim(s) to be ready to move on at the same pace.

It’s sad that this girl’s parents are failing her but the whys and wherefores of the root of this child’s behavioural problems are irrelevant in context of whether OP should have to subject herself or her children to further abuse. It is down to the DH to find a solution that doesn’t involve OP. He won’t though, will he, because he’s too busy bring a useless enabling blame-shifting arsehole (sorry OP)

I am struggling with this though and not sure exactly why.. part of me just thinks she desperately needs help and everyone else around her is so shit.. maybe I could? Maybe I could show her that I am a good person and not this vile monster her mum has made me out to be (now she’s older and can make her own opinions) If it’s true her mum has cancer then that’s horrendous too and I feel a duty to try and hold her in that...

On the flip side I think it’s a really bad idea as she is so so damaged right now and too high risk to even consider it... especially as the last 3 years has to be forgotten about because it’s not fair on her right now to go over it. So I feel bullied into this and to be honest taken the piss out of. I think if I back down I’m only showing it’s acceptable to treat me and my DCs the way we have been (as it appears no one else is sticking up for us!)!
Don’t know if that makes sense..
or maybe my DH has just been so good at putting doubt in my head...

because he’s too busy being a useless enabling blame-shifting arsehole (sorry OP)

This made me smile... probably shouldn’t have but it’s actually true of him (in lots of things in his life he always has someone else to blame)

OP I cross posted with you. You sound so defeated. I understand you have nowhere to go right now do all I would suggest is to sit down with your DH and ask him to calmly outline what he plans to do in the evening of various scenarios occurring e.g if DSD starts with the lies and the accusations again, if his ex does indeed have limited time left, etc.

Also I don’t know about cancer treatments etc but it seems unusual to put someone’s body through the stress of an operation if they only have 8 weeks left?