Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

God bless you OP you are really going through hell! 💐

Very suspicious behaviour with the cancer word being suddenly brought in. It's difficult to believe that people could stoop so low but I've seen this happen before. My DH ex wife told her son she was ill and had cancer and didn't have long to live when she was trying to ruin our marriage. Turned out to be all lies.

Your DH needs to move out and take his daughter with him. I strongly feel he is going to end up alone with egg on his face when all their lies come to light.

Stay strong you've done nothing wrong here. God bless you and your family, sending love.

OP, as a way of trying to cool things and buy yourself more time can you suggest he moves out with DSD to support her? Explain that you support him supporting her in this situation and you are just pressing 'pause' on your marriage. This will hopefully buy you more time to sort finances, have some breathing space to prepare for birth?

Tbh, I have known someone who lied about having cancer and it was awful. She also said she had been told she had months to live, she was also always the victim and lied all the time. But obviously you can't call people out on it. I wouldn't even refer to it in the conversation, just something like, you need to support your DD right now and I need to support my DC?

I really do feel for you and I'm so angry on your behalf the way they have all treated you but particularly your DH.

OP l can't compare my situation to this but my stepson did something unforgivable (he was 16 at the time) then when he got caught, turned it all onto his dad and me then said some really nasty things about me. He wouldn't speak to us for a year then finally decided he would which obviously we were happy about as he is still family etc. Anyway when he came to stay we sat him down and thrashed it all out as l felt we couldn't move on until that was done. Even then it was all taken very slowly and no way would l have let him move in knowing what he had said about me. I will never forget what he said but l have tried to put it at the back of my brain and move forward although things will never be as they were, we get on well again now . Really feel for you xx

Sorry think l have missed massive chunks of this thread x

I think we need a medical certificate from Ex. There have been faaaaaaar too many lies.

Would have thought SD could have looked after her mum if necessary and that would be a good thing. On the other hand if she is being admitted for surgery then SD would prob need a temporary place to stay whilst her mother is in hospital.

Breast cancer is more of a chronic disease now and it is very unusual to have a short life expectancy prediction at diagnosis. Many women live well over a year with stage 4 breast cancer

Have people forgotten that DSD has a stepdad at home with her Mum so even if her Mum were admitted it's not like she'd be home alone!

It's horrible but I just can't believe it's the truth. DSD would surely need and want to part of her Mums life as part of the grieving process rather than going off to live with OP and her family after 3 years estrangement

Totally agree @RandomMess.

OP, you would be entirely justified in kicking him out and telling him not to come back. But if you want to try a 'pause' until things get a bit calmer, you could try setting it out to him like this:

• SD's mum has two months (8 weeks) to live and will (presumably?) be undergoing some cancer treatment during that period
• your baby is due in 5 weeks
• SD hasn't lived with you for 3 years
• there is a pandemic and people with suppressed immune systems should be careful

Even if nothing else was going on, the best way to support SD is not to move her into a house where there is likely to be a newborn baby at almost exactly the time her mum moves into end-of-life care. You will not be able to manage hospital/hospice visits with her and all the other care and support she will need. The last thing she needs at this point is her "replacement mother" coming back into her life at exactly the time she's losing her "real mum".

So your (bloody big!) compromise is that you will support your husband to support SD by 'letting' him move out and rent/Airbnb somewhere. They can have quality time together, they can reconnect, they can get used to living together, he can ferry her easily from there to her mum's. They can self-isolate together and form a bubble with her mum and you can self-isolate with your children and the new baby. Much less risk of anyone transmitting COVID to the vulnerable people (you, baby, SD's mum).

If your husband needs to take some unpaid parental leave to do this, you will support him in the reduced family income that will cause. His daughter's mother is dying so he will need to step up. With luck, his employer will understand that this is one of those times parents need to do what they need to do.

(I share your concerns about the reality of the cancer diagnosis, but you lose nothing by taking it at face value.)

I don't understand why despite the self harming, 'suicide' attempts, lies and accusations against all family members this child is not in the CAHMS system. She clearly has a serious mental illness. BPD/EUPD by the sounds of it. Why is her father pretending she will be ok if she moves houses?

Why is the mother faking cancer to get rid of her instead of taking her to doctors and getting help for her? Unless she's the same (highly likely) and just not able to act like an adult.

And why is your H not even having that conversation OP? The girls had made serious accusations and no one has flagged them with SS so if she makes another one about you there's no record of previous ones so it could be taken seriously.

This girl has serious issues. Her parents should be pushing to get her into the MH system and possibly into residential care for a short time. She may need medication and she certainly needs specialist therapy. There's also undoubtedly a specific way she needs to be dealt with at home.

What is wrong with these people? They are acting like this doesn't exist. Are they thick? Mentally ill themselves? How bad does this have to get before they register there's a serious problem?

And you as her SM can't do it. Your H needs to get her to appts and push the GP and attend the clinics. He's her father.

I think with adults this fucking stupid around her she's just going to grow into another one of them. Not sure I would want a fsmily like that anywhere near me. Your DH snd ILs are no better either.

I have a niece with what might be autism but they think could be EUPD. However they are night and day. She has had a fantastic loving upbringing with good boundaries and does well. It's been hard for the family but she's anorexic and my god both parents have been there. She's been in CAHMs since it started and is now in the adult system.

The whole family recognise that there is a problem and support her. And apart from one episode where she accused someone of hitting her (and I truly believe she thinks he did though he didn't) and obviously the tantrums around food is lovely.

But her parents didn't let her have everything her own way and were quick to get PROFESSIONAL help.

I'm sorry but they are ALL complete morons. I'd want shot of the lot of them, personally. His parents should never have sided with a 12 year old girl, he should have stepped up and got her help and now she's a danger to herself and others.

And he wants her in the house with a heavily pregnant wife, young child she will greatly resent and two teens she's made serious allegations about?

Fucks sake. Print out some of these replies.

Because NO the rest of the world does not think that you should do this.

I say this as someone whose friend died as a single parent with a pre teen and an older teen. None of them want to disappear off to their respective Dad's!! All on good terms etc but the DC wanted to make the most of being with their Mum.

Also with BC usually at the end/terminal is because it's spread to the brain/spine/lymph system. You get a likelihood of survival of x-y weeks/months. Not "2 months".

Just and that is so likely to be a lie.

Could be that Mum has a lump that needs removing and some treatment and it's all going to be a miraculous cure???

My DH's ex pulled a similar health scare stunt when we told her we were moving an hour away (DSCs were all late teens/adults by that stage). DH simply responded that he sympathised with her worries but that we would be pressing ahead with our plans; however he was open to reviewing them depending on how the diagnosis went. Funnily enough nothing came of it

If anything all this latest situation shows is that DSD needs proper help, not shoving off to her estranged step family.

@Vodkacranberryplease I do not agree. The child MAY have MH issues but it's not a given. Why do we have to label someone else's actions so that it is justified. Some people are just vindictive and malicious end of. And if she growing up in an environment of drama then it really doesn't surprise me.

@combatbarbie well she's certainly that. And I'm not excusing her in fact I called her a bitch and a lunatic earlier and got the usual sanctimonious replies about what a terrible person I was.

She self harms, has made a suicide attempt, and is a compulsive liar. It's not within the range of normal and suggesting involving CAHMS means that there is a record of her behaviour and witnesses to it, which is much needed. And medication may calm some of it down and if they can get her into therapy (v hard) it might help.

Better than just saying 'never mind, and I'm not enforcing rules because she's upset'. The CAHMS people will help the parents too.

Anyone displaying DSD behaviours is "unwell" to some extent. CAMHS assessment is the way forward as to whether it's learnt behaviour, personality disorder, mental health or something else.

@RandomMess it's not normal is it? And it's also insurance. A record in the system of lies and problems. Not to use against her but for when the accusations against the OP and her DH start.

I'm just amazed it hasnt been done. The adults here worry me as much as the child, frankly.

Oh I totally agree with regards to CAHMS, however if she is not displaying these behaviours outside of home I would be leaning to attention seeking, my point is, some people are just not nice. I mean let's refresh ourselves on Jamie bulgers murderers.

It is absolutely down to the parents to address these issues though.

I agree the lack of CAHMS involvement doesn't make any sense for a child that's apparently self harming and depressed.

I'm assuming DH has parental rights?

What about suggesting he talks to DD's school?

The fact he's only been seeing her outside the house (shopping/cinema etc) means he's not up to date with all aspects of her life.

If she is under CAHMS the school would presumably have been informed. He would be within his rights to call them and ask how the school is supporting her due to her depression/self harm given it's now being proposed she live with him given her mother's diagnosis and he wants to be clued up on what's happening and for them to know about the additional issues with her mothers sad news.

Or better still he tells his Ex and DSD he's going to call the school and CAHMS and see what their reaction is?

You can only get away with lies if they're not out in the open.

Hi OP, how are things today?

I feel so sad for this child. She must be a very unhappy and sad young person because well adjusted happy children don't make allegations against family members etc
Yes this is massively stressful for the OP and her family but this child has been failed completely by both of her parents.

Her mother is clearly causing huge issues but her father sounds fucking useless in all this as well. He has not been a parent to her, he's absolved himself of responsibility and become McDonalds dad. I'm not sure I'd want more children with a man who has failed so terribly. Sounds like he's being a shitty husband too but he's probably terrified so hopefully he'll apologise for that.

The narrative on this thread of her being dangerous, a bitch, fucking arm chair diagnosis of a personality disorder.
Assumptions that she is colluding with her mum over a fake cancer diagnosis. I actually hope the diagnosis is fake because the alternative is a fucked up 15 year old could be about to become even more fucked up by the illness and possible death of her mother when she has a father that won't step up either.

Reading all the increasingly frantic posting, I keep wanting to scream that she's a child. Please don't forget this. She's a product of shitty parenting and maybe if people had spent less time demonizing her and more time trying to work out how and why she turned out this way everyone would probably be in a much happier place.

If her mother does have terminal cancer (and I know it's a big if) then everyone needs to get their shit together because I've been that kid and life is going to get a whole lot harder especially if she knows she's not wanted in her father's home.

Of course we do not wish the mother dead from any terminal illness. It just seems very coincidental that this comes out now and if it is lies, then is the same behaviour that DSD has also portrayed. So whilst it may be learnt behaviour, given everything else the OP has described.... This is a child that has realised that when things don't go her way she screams and stomps to get what she wants. Convenient there is a baby about to arrive on the scene too.

Yes vago it's horrifically sad but neither can the op throw her DC under a bus and risk her moving in without things being addressed which is an option that has been taken firmly off the table.

I really think the only solution is that that the H moves out somewhere with DSD, perhaps with his parents short term. Then the wider issues can be addressed.

Having seen my DN operate the car crash carnage false allegations cause I wouldn't expose my other DC to that. DN ended up going through various residential homes, a few she has to leave because of the lies that continued to be told...

Maybe if the expectation that she admits her lies and apologizes if taken off the table then there might be a way forward with a clean slate. That's going to be really hard for the OP to accept I realize but someone has to be the adult and make steps towards repair.

That clean slate will have to be with some clear expectations on behaviour.

Maybe the timing is not a coincidence and this is about the new baby. That tells me she is feeling insecure about being pushed out further by her father.

With a child feeling huge rejection and acting in such a destructive way, often the answer is to bring that child closer and not push her away which is reinforcing those feelings. This doesn't mean accepting poor behaviour or not imposing appropriate sanctions.

I'm not saying this hasn't caused a huge amount of distress but I don't think the approach currently being taken is ever going to resolve anything.
Her father and stepmother could model positive relationships, good boundaries, the ability to repair relationships and move forward. I don't see this situation as irreparable.

@vagoftheday If her mother does have terminal cancer (and I know it's a big if) then everyone needs to get their shit together because I've been that kid and life is going to get a whole lot harder especially if she knows she's not wanted in her father's home

How awful for you. It must have been difficult - did you also make serious false allegations about multiple family members? Were you also completely unwilling to follow the rules of the house? If so how did you manage to stop?

Was it that you believed the lies at the time or just didn't think about the repercussions? Or just didn't care? Did you manage to get outside help then?

Originally she was welcomed into the OPs home. But didn't want the OP or her children there so took steps (in her young mind) to 'get rid' of them. Now, I was a pretty unruly child, and teen. But that was a line I could never have crossed.

She's also self harming and has made a suicide attempt. So troubled she might be but there is also a safeguarding issue and I can't see why you don't seem to think that it is serious enough to not try and get her professional help,

@vagoftheday

Maybe if the expectation that she admits her lies and apologizes if taken off the table then there might be a way forward with a clean slate. That's going to be really hard for the OP to accept I realize but someone has to be the adult and make steps towards repair.

That clean slate will have to be with some clear expectations on behaviour.

Maybe the timing is not a coincidence and this is about the new baby. That tells me she is feeling insecure about being pushed out further by her father.

With a child feeling huge rejection and acting in such a destructive way, often the answer is to bring that child closer and not push her away which is reinforcing those feelings. This doesn't mean accepting poor behaviour or not imposing appropriate sanctions.

I'm not saying this hasn't caused a huge amount of distress but I don't think the approach currently being taken is ever going to resolve anything.
Her father and stepmother could model positive relationships, good boundaries, the ability to repair relationships and move forward. I don't see this situation as irreparable.

The apology and clean slate approach has already been discussed between the DH and DD and the OP has said that would be significant in her decision making.

The DD's response to this however was that "everyone should just get over it" and the OP was "being pathetic".

The issue here is that the dynamic between DH/Ex and DSD is toxic and so normal reasonable advice such as mediation, a family meeting to clear the air etc just won't cut it here.

The actions of the Ex and DS combined with the DH's inability/unwillingness to step up have left a wake of destruction, mistrust and broken relationships that have been years and years in the making.

There's no magic wand here that's going to make everything ok overnight.

I'm not saying the DD doesn't desperately need and deserve help - she does, but the OP isn't in a position to provide this nor should her children be sacrificed at the alter of toxicity created by DSD's parents.

If DH wants to help his DD then he needs to pull his finger out rather than lay this burden on his wife and her children and their son/soon to be newborn.

From what's been posted he's done sweet FA to address this for well over 6 years.

Why hasn't he contacted the school/CAHMS? He believes his DD to be depressed and self harming...has he looked into therapy for her? No - he just takes her to the cinema and McDonalds.

He's a disgrace as a father and husband.