Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

I also wonder if part of what’s happening right now is attention seeking as I am expecting a baby girl this time.
One of the things SD says regularly to DH when she wants something is ‘I am your ONLY daughter’
So I imagine that’s impacted her too.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

OP I cross posted with you. You sound so defeated. I understand you have nowhere to go right now do all I would suggest is to sit down with your DH and ask him to calmly outline what he plans to do in the evening of various scenarios occurring e.g if DSD starts with the lies and the accusations again, if his ex does indeed have limited time left, etc.

Also I don’t know about cancer treatments etc but it seems unusual to put someone’s body through the stress of an operation if they only have 8 weeks left?

That’s true... “your dying so let’s give you an operation”...again doesn’t quite add up...

I also find it very odd that discussions around your SD appear to be based on her coming to yours for a certain period to calm down a bit rather than your DH and his ex making arrangements to transfer residency permanently to yours, or taking the steps to formalise her living with her stepdad or whatever? If your DH was any kind of a responsible parent he’d be pushing his ex for formal information/documentation - not from a “I need proof” perspective but to get everything set up in place for his DD while her mum’s still here. None of this makes any sense.

Oh, OP. Your last update just makes me even more worried. You sound so defeated.

Nothing has changed in this child's behavior. I'm just so afraid that it will be an unmitigated disaster if she moves in.

Can you schedule some emergency therapy for yourself to get an outside professional opinion?

You are being steamrolled into accepting this.

This is absolutely about the baby. How is he with his young son? Is he a devoted father? Is he looking forward to this baby? This is a difficult situation even for a mature teen when her parents are split - and she's not that.

Is he really just not able to have a calm conversation about how serious her problems are? Can you go together, without her, to see someone who specialises in teen MH and get their advice? Will he listen to 'an expert'?

Because once you sit down with someone and outline what's happened and what the current situation is he going to look very unreasonable. No person who works in this field is going to tell you to just put up with this.

You will need someone who has a good understanding of the family dynamics of families with very troubled children though, as they need to be aware his serious this could get. You don't want someone like the PP telling you that it's all just parenting and she just needs to be held.

I think that you can insist on this and say that since you are to have to do so much you need to have a say in how the house is run and how the situation is handled.

If the ex starts wanting to cause problems it's very simple. If she's dying why is she getting involved? She won't be around so it's nothing to do with her how the SD is handled at your house. Oh, wait, suddenly she's not dying? Funny that.

I'd put money on it that the ex was the same as her daughter as a child.

She is being asked to collude in three biggest bullshit lie with her mother - to get rid of her. What is THAT doing to her self-esteem? This is so fucking weird!!! No doubt they have cooked this up together, but WHO DOES THAT?!?!

I’m sorry, but the writing’s on the wall for your relationship.

“There were plenty of witnesses luckily.”

You said this earlier about when SD accused you of emotional abuse and it’s CHILLING. When your husband is pressuring you, it should be the first thing you think of. Because the next time she accuses you, or God forbid one of your children, of something, there may not be any witnesses. And if she accuses one of your children... it’ll be her mum, her grandparents, and unfortunately, possibly even your husband, all against you.

Your husband is now taking everything the ex says as gospel truth, it sounds like he now takes everything the SD says as gospel truth, so you’re probably lucky he witnessed last time, because it honestly sounds like with the way he parents, he might have believed her over you three years ago. I can only imagine it’s going to get worse as you notice more and more discrepancies in their lies and feel like you can’t say anything to him.

I don’t think it’s about your marriage ending now. Unfortunately, I think it’s about your husband allowing this situation to slowly poison your marriage for 10 years, until you finally reach your limit, which will probably involve protecting your kids and yourself from this crap situation.

Op - I know this doesn't sound kind of me but please trust me in that I really do mean it kindly - you say you have nowhere to go, however you can ask him to leave & you should - you are being grossly manipulated & I'm honestly not sure you realise it's as bad as it is.

I was married to an arch manipulator for years & everything you say makes me feel that you are exactly where I was 12 years ago. You come across as someone who has been stripped of all her power. I do NOT mean you are weak - I mean your dh has convinced you that the only way everyone can be happy & get on with things is if you fix things for everyone & if you don't then you are the cause of everyone's misery!
Op you HAVE to remember that you are not responsible for your dh's happiness nor that of his dd & ex. Their misery has NOTHING to do with you - it's their problem & their misery & you are not responsible for them. The only people you are responsible for are yourself & YOUR dc. You cannot fix his dd & nor should you. We cannot fix other people.
I don't say this lightly but I really think you should get him to leave with or without his dd for a bit.
There's every chance his ex is unwell but again this is not something that you have to be responsible for - your dsd has another family (sf & db) & it is not up to your family to take on the full burden of her.
As an aside cancer patients are not operated on if they've been given 8 weeks to live - they're made comfortable. The ex may well be quite unwell but someone is telling porkies & at this stage I wouldn't be surprised if it's your dh trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants.
Please mind yourself.

Please, please contact someone outside of the family for advice tomorrow.

I'm so afraid that DH is taking SD out tomorrow and plans to return to your house with her bags.

They are already setting this up with the supposed surgery tomorrow.

I'm scared you are about your world is about to be blown apart when he comes home with her tomorrow evening. I hope I'm wrong, but it doesn't look good considering their prior behavior.

Please get an objective outsider involved tomorrow. Just for yourself to get another opinion. I'm afraid you are going to need some support tomorrow.

I hope I'm wrong. I really do, but I'm concerned.

If he does, perhaps be prepared to tell him and DSD to stay in Airbnb.

You say

"I have nowhere to go"

You have 3 about to be 4 DC, H had one - you ask him to live out until it's resolved.

If he has DSD move in with him there will be no maintenance to pay. He can go stay with the devoted grandparents.

You don't need to end the marriage you just calmly explain that she can't be left alone with you or your DC so there is there is no other option.

Sadly this is what DSD wants - her Dad to herself, but if the only other way of achieving that is accusing you or your DC of x y z at least have control over it.

Sounds like her Mum is going in for her initial lumpectomy, likely to be some radio/chemo therapy and most likely all will be fine.

Thank you for the responses again.
All heard with compassion and empathy... especially the bits I don’t really want to hear!
In answer to a few questions... DH is a wonderful father to our DS and my older DCs. He is. He probably over spoils them all to be honest and I have to reign him in. This pregnancy has taken us both by surprise but yes he seems to be happy about it and has been positive about it.

Something a post said has hit a nerve... a lot of what I hear comes from him.. I haven’t had direct contact with ex or SD for several years now...
However DH has shared messages with me which I can see are real... but what gets said when he sees her and is repeated back to me... well could that be a bit twisted?

My DH does seem to believe that the only way for us all to be happy is if she comes back and that I step up and move on. I think because he does so much for all of us in our home that i should do the same for his. (He misses the point that my DCs would never behave or be allowed to do what his DC has done) I do feel he really undermines what she has done and the potential harm in the future if he goes about this in the way he is.

It’s all so messed up. I think I should call someone about this and ask for professional advice which I can feedback to DH. would anyone know who to call? Social Services? I think your right that I need some backing.

I met my HV yesterday but DH was present through the whole appointment and under the strain of the night before I didn’t feel I could say anything about this situation to her. She has referred me to the perinatal MH team so that’s a good.

I don’t think he would just turn up with her. He did say to me in the argument we had that ‘he could just turn up with her as that’s what most people would do. It’s his house and she’s his child but that he wouldn’t’ but mainly I think because of our DS who would be so confused by it.

What a messed up situation.

Another concerned poster here OP. I agree you're sounding so defeated.

I would second what Random said - can he agree to move in for an agreed period of time with his DP's? Your SD can then have days at yours to get to know your youngest who will need to get to know this 'stranger' before she moves into his home, if that's eventually what you agree to.

It is crystal clear that you have a happy, safe and content home and your DH thinks that his DD will be 'righted' by being there. He is being very hopeful but incredibly naive. I can see why he's pushing for this - as others have said, he wants you to be that positive influence over her as you are with your own children. But he cannot sweep what's happened under the carpet - it needs addressing.

I DO think you need professional back-up. Someone who could log your fears should social services ever be involved. Protect yourself.

I don't know what else to say - just reading this makes me (all of us) incredibly uneasy.

Would allowing him to see this thread give him extra insight?

I should add that I don't know who you could approach, but you definitely need back-up.

Does anyone else here know who OP could talk to to get her concerns logged?

However DH has shared messages with me which I can see are real...

Do you mean official messages like forwarded texts from the hospital confirming appointments? The 2 months to live? Or just messages between the two of them?

DH is a wonderful father to our DS and my older DCs. He is. He probably over spoils them all to be honest and I have to reign him in.
That's not being a wonderful father. That's being a disney dad. Wonderful fathers parent their children to set them up for life as functioning, happy adults. Lack of boundaries = lack of respect and lack of the skills to interact with others, which is the crucial foundation for all successful personal or professional relationships.

I think I should call someone about this and ask for professional advice which I can feedback to DH.
Personally I've never had involvement with social services so I can't advise there but I get the feeling if you did contact them there'd be a fallout of nuclear proportions (not saying it's the wrong thing to do - hopefully others can advise).

Unfortunately unless the desire to sort this out comes from him any advice is going to bounce off him like water off a duck's back. He's simply not interested in listening to any point of view that contradicts his fantasy that he'll eventually be rewarded with his DD's love whilst you do all the grunt work/mop everything up behind the scenes. True to form, he's only interested in playing disney dad. If he truly cared about his DD he'd be fighting hard to get her the professional help she actually needs, looking into bereavement services for her etc.

I think because he does so much for all of us in our home that i should do the same for his.
That's the very least he should do seeing what he's put you through! What has he actually done for you above and beyond what you've done/gone through for him and his family? Plus the small matter of you bearing his child plus another on the way...

@MyCatHatesEverybody

However DH has shared messages with me which I can see are real...

Do you mean official messages like forwarded texts from the hospital confirming appointments? The 2 months to live? Or just messages between the two of them?

DH is a wonderful father to our DS and my older DCs. He is. He probably over spoils them all to be honest and I have to reign him in.
That's not being a wonderful father. That's being a disney dad. Wonderful fathers parent their children to set them up for life as functioning, happy adults. Lack of boundaries = lack of respect and lack of the skills to interact with others, which is the crucial foundation for all successful personal or professional relationships.

I think I should call someone about this and ask for professional advice which I can feedback to DH.
Personally I've never had involvement with social services so I can't advise there but I get the feeling if you did contact them there'd be a fallout of nuclear proportions (not saying it's the wrong thing to do - hopefully others can advise).

Unfortunately unless the desire to sort this out comes from him any advice is going to bounce off him like water off a duck's back. He's simply not interested in listening to any point of view that contradicts his fantasy that he'll eventually be rewarded with his DD's love whilst you do all the grunt work/mop everything up behind the scenes. True to form, he's only interested in playing disney dad. If he truly cared about his DD he'd be fighting hard to get her the professional help she actually needs, looking into bereavement services for her etc.

I think because he does so much for all of us in our home that i should do the same for his.
That's the very least he should do seeing what he's put you through! What has he actually done for you above and beyond what you've done/gone through for him and his family? Plus the small matter of you bearing his child plus another on the way...

Good morning @MyCatHatesEverybody. Sorry I don’t think I was very clear.. I mean the messages he has received from his ex or his DD over the years... (not seen anything to do with hospital or anything).. I just wonder if everything he tells me is the truth as I’m not actually there when a lot of these conversations take place...

And he is able to parent the 3 children in our house. They have rules and we follow through consequences. He doesn’t allow them to speak to us or each other in a horrible way. He supports them with school work, goes to all school things and parents evenings, he takes them out to experience new things. We are united in our parenting in our home and he does support them.

BUT he can’t seem to support us or back us when it comes to SD..
And he is obviously isn't this kind of parent to his DD.
Maybe it’s because these children are mine? And he is folllowing my lead? I don’t know.. just the same standards and rules do not and never have applied to SD.

Your right that he lives in a bit of a fantasy where we al live happily ever after... but seems to ignore the fact of the damage done and what has to be done to get there...

And my last comment... your absolutely right. I’m an idiot. I have been through so so much. In fact I’m the one that’s gone beyond the call of duty. I’m so glad I have found this thread to keep pushing me back onto my feet because I keep doubting myself.

He isn't a wonderful father because he doesn't treat them fairly!!

Your older ones are from a "broken home" yet they have to treat you both with kindness and respect but his eldest doesn't. This is golden child syndrome and very damaging to all the other DC.

It's not his house OP it's the family home. If he refuses to entertain the idea of moving into his DPs and would rather you moved out if she categorically cannot move in(I am on your side and don't think she should), then that says all you need to know.

Another poster is spot on, whilst on paper he is a wonderful father to your children, why can't he do the same with her. I have had similar issues with my DSC, we didn't see one for 5yrs. However it all came good in the end but we thrashed out her issues before I even entertained the idea of her staying over. Long story short, she was an entitled and spoilt child who was Disney parented by both parents. Now she's having to stand on her own 2 feet in the real world, she realised being like that won't get you anywhere and is embarrassed by some of her actions.

Weirdly my children are now the ages my DSC were and it's now gone full circle and my DH is only just starting yo realise what a Disney dad he was to the older ones because I do bring it up... Oh well I remember when DSD done xxx and you just done yyyy. He hates admitting he was wrong but I have to say it because all children should be treated the same regardless of whether they live in the home full time or not.

If you do end up having SD to live with you OP (and I'm not saying you should...I think it's far too much for you...), what are your main concerns and what could your DH do to address those? For instance, being left alone with SD... Could he hire a babysitter (ostensibly to help with baby or little one) for those times when you're likely to be alone with her? Her sharing a room with your DD.... You may have said this, but is there any way you can reorganise the house (sacrifice study/dining room/partition a room) so that doesn't happen?

I'd also make it clear that SD needs to pull her weight. No special meals, she needs to share chores, no cleaning up after her...I wouldn't make a fuss to SD if she doesn't do this but leave everything for your DH to pull her up on. Likewise, any meanness or bullying to your other DC and he needs to sort it... Any physical violence and you'll call the police.

And he is able to parent the 3 children in our house. They have rules and we follow through consequences. He doesn’t allow them to speak to us or each other in a horrible way.

The thing that strikes me about this is that a) it's common for step parents to expect more respect/discipline from their DSCs than the actual parent does because accepting disrespect from someone you don't have that unconditional bond with is much harder to tolerate; b) as you're the one who's primarily responsible for your DC's day-to-day care your DH can parent safe in the knowledge that if push comes to shove you can be the bad cop (and he still plays good cop by over spoiling them) c) it would seem that your DH is unwilling or incapable of taking ownership of the responsibilities attached to parenting. So you take the lead regarding parenting your DCs in a healthy way and he simply follows - his Ex takes the lead in parenting DSD with drama and no boundaries and still he follows. Seems he wants the responsibility for everything about his life to be placed at the feet of others.

Agree with @MyCatHatesEverybody. If SD does come, can you take your DC away for a few days while she settles in and to let your DH take the lead on parenting. You should definitely not be expected to parent SD... Since you don't have any authority with her, you will need to establish a dynamic where your DH does all of the parenting "heavy lifting".

Also who is DSD going to share a room with?

I would be suggesting that she shares the largest room with the 6 year old and you divide it up as best you can.

Your DC need to be able to protect themselves and I would be letting them have locks on their doors...

@Mummafee I’ll sound a bit too blunt saying this but you really don’t need professional involvement or therapy. You already know that your DH is continuing to be a shit parent to his child and continuing to mess her up by constantly indulging her. There is no question that your SD is a product of her piss poor upbringing but it isn’t your job to fix this (if it can be put right).

Unfortunately, by being completely unable to stand up to SD and his ex, DH is also being a really shit husband to you, a crap father to your 6 year old and towards your other children. He is obviously unable to see this because nothing else matters to him in his head apart from his little girl. Everyone else is collateral damage which is very manipulative of him.

Don’t bother getting therapists involved or working out ways to help your SD because your DH sure as hell isn’t bothering himself. Let your Disney Dad husband have his little fantasy of being with his DD AWAY from the rest of you and NOT in the house. Your only priority here is to keep yourself and your other children SAFE which means keeping a happy home without SD in it. If that means the end of your marriage you have to face up to it.

I know you love this man but he’s a terrible husband and father to put you all through this. He’s behaving like a complete bastard to do this while you are heavily pregnant.

Being divorced would be better than living with the constant fear of SD accusing one or all of you of abuse.

I wouldnt put her in a room with a 6 year old that doesnt know her!! That could be a disaster.

In terms of who you can see I think that the point is that you BOTH go & see a child psychologist. TOGETHER. You spell out the issues, stick to the facts re events, & ask what the best thing to do is. She might be able to point you in the right direct CAHMS wise. Or just try CAHHMS straight away.

You need to keep pushing but once in the system they are great by all accounts.
www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/cypmhs-information-for-children-and-young-people/

You should really take things like school reports too. It sounds like he doesnt know a damn thing about his own daughter. Whats she like at school etc? Whats she like when its just them? You mentioned he made accusations against him as well - what were they? And what triggered them?

You need this to be a condition. Its very simple.

• She needs her own room
• She has to follow the same rules & do housework like the others
• You will need extra support having given birth & wont be able to do much for her. So you may need a housekeeper/nanny part time
• Shes never alone with anyone but him
• You both need to work together to get her professional help. NOW.

No ifs, not buts. No cancer or feeling sorry for her or making exceptions.

If he doesnt agree he is TOTALLY unreasonable. And is putting his own children at risk as well as making the house into a toxic mess. She fits in or she doesnt come.

Just like real life.