Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

@chickenyhead

Doctors don't tell you you have 2 months to live, possibly.

They don't.

I call bullshit.

Wonder where the DSD learnt to lie, right there

I agree but would urge a degree of caution.

It could well be there is some truth here insofar the Ex may have found a "lump",
may have even had a diagnosis.

If the OP calls bullshit outright and it turns out there is an element of truth here it won't do her any good.

There's a fine line here.

The OP needs to protect herself and her children and making allegations she can't prove isn't helping that.

As such she can "support" Ex by telling him to move out for two weeks with DSD.

No accusations, but it will buy time for DH to actually parent 24x7 and also if this new information isn't kosher it's a lie that gets harder to maintain the longer it goes on (after all 2 weeks is a long time in the context of 2 months).

So much doesn’t make sense but then like I said before that’s not new.
Yes I was gobsmacked she spoke like that in front of her daughter and yes mum has a lot to answer for in how SD has turned out.
Earlier my DH also said to me that he deserved better and that I was being selfish. He also called me a bully and said if I asked anyone out there what to do in this situation they would say I was awful for putting him in this position. He said to get my older DCs in to ask them as they would agree with him but I told him not to dare drag them into it... and he said yes that’s because you know it’s true.

As I write this I think ‘god he can be such an asshole’

But regardless again I thought maybe he was right and I was in the wrong and I expected once I posted on here I would get a load of comments agreeing with him saying it changes everything and that maybe I should just draw a line and step up for this kid.

Thanks for reminding me that yes it changes things but also it doesn’t and so I still need to stand my ground as awful as I feel about what she is going through. It’s not her fault but she is dangerous and he just doesn’t see that.

Fucking hell OP, forget what the ex does or doesn't do, you now unambiguously have a DH problem and a huge one at that. I'm sure you love him but my god he certainly forgot his marriage vows of forsaking all others when he puts his ex above and beyond you every single time. Regardless of the whys and wherefores of his ex's health, he has chosen time and again to prioritise her wants over the wellbeing of his wife and family and his eagerness now to unquestioningly accept what she says (bearing in mind she also asserted her belief in you being an abuser) is only proving to you where his loyalties lie.

Regardless of the outcome of this latest development, the relationship and family dynamic you so desperately want is no longer an option because this man is incapable of giving it to you. Once you accept this future is gone you need to do whatever is necessary to protect your children because this man will do nothing but fail them. I am so sorry

Yes I’m not going to suggest to them that there may be any doubt in what’s been said by ex. I am speculating here as it doesn’t all add up but I won’t be putting myself in that firing line by sharing that thought anywhere but here.

Yes that's a thought that has to stay in your mind.slong with the one that SD is dangerous.

I think if you stay (and hopefully you can work towards not being in this situation) it would be wise to put a nanny cam in the youngests bedroom.

Earlier my DH also said to me that he deserved better and that I was being selfish. He also called me a bully and said if I asked anyone out there what to do in this situation they would say I was awful for putting him in this position. He said to get my older DCs in to ask them as they would agree with him but I told him not to dare drag them into it... and he said yes that’s because you know it’s true.

If only he knew. I wang yo say show him this thread but of course you can't.

And unfortunately accusing the person who you are trying to gaslight of doing the thing that you are doing is a classic bully tactic. Not long ago he was telling you what a kind person you were. So which is it?

It's amazing how some men can become very unpleasant when their DW stops toeing the line. Once they stop agreeing with everything and become a little less convenient the mask slips.

" but she is dangerous and he just does not see it"
If the police where to ask you to document or justify your statement that this child is dangerous and poses a real and eminent threat to you or your children exactly what would you tell them?
Much is being said about this child being dangerous , and yet I have not read anything other than she stated that she was being emotionally abused ,and we do not know that the child did not feel or think that she was being emotionally abused. Seemingly she may not like your children, but it does not seem that they are overly fond of her.

If asked, I am sure that all of the children could offer explanations to justify their beliefs, and none of them would necessarily be lying. That might all just be describing the situations as they experienced them.

If I knew that I had a terminal illness, I think that I would be less focused on spending as much time with my kids than I would be concerned about ensuring that provisions were in place to secure their future.

A child who poses a documented threat to herself or others can and should be hospitalized. This is not something that should be bandied about or part of some idle internet supposition.

You would be rightfully angered if someone were to suggest that with your untreated PND that you could possibly pose a threat to the safety of your 3 year old child.

Again, I am really trying to encourage you to handle this situation by getting immediate and appropriate professional help.

I would suggest to dh they involve ss. Dsd will after all need professional help with the news of cancer.. See what ex thinks to that... Lies exposed..

Op - sorry to sound rude but WHY on earth do you want to stay with this man? This whole thread has basically displayed your dh as a passive aggressive bully (the worst type of bully imo) who is still locked into an extremely toxic dynamic with his exw & 1st child.
It actually doesn't matter who may or may not be sick (though it is awful if she is); the fact remains that his exw & dd are constantly saying jump & your h asks how high?
If his ex is seriously unwell she has a partner & there are gps on the scene. There is support there (which you can also assist with) that can be spread around (which is what a functional family would do) but your h is asking you to basically bail everyone out and then shaming you for your not wanting to.
DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM. He is 100% in the wrong & there's barely a person on this thread who disagrees with you.
In your shoes I would tell him that if he feels the need to be there for his ex & dd you can't stop him, but that you need to prioritise your other children & baby & to that end he should move out for a few weeks until the dust settles on your delivery & his ex's diagnosis. In the meantime follow the advice of the poster who advised you to get therapy. I think you really need some external input on how to break yourself out of this very damaging dynamic. No one should be in a relationship where their partner doesn't have their back and your h has shown time & again that he doesn't have yours.
Again, I am sorry to sound harsh but make NO mistake that you are being psychologically abused, & you are being used & taken advantage of.
Please listen to the advice you've received here & do not let yourself get sucked into your h's drama.

I have a niece that told dangerous lies, former teachers accused of SA, then her StepDad...

It does happen and the repercussions are huge!

@Tiredoftattler

" but she is dangerous and he just does not see it" If the police where to ask you to document or justify your statement that this child is dangerous and poses a real and eminent threat to you or your children exactly what would you tell them? Much is being said about this child being dangerous , and yet I have not read anything other than she stated that she was being emotionally abused ,and we do not know that the child did not feel or think that she was being emotionally abused. Seemingly she may not like your children, but it does not seem that they are overly fond of her.

If asked, I am sure that all of the children could offer explanations to justify their beliefs, and none of them would necessarily be lying. That might all just be describing the situations as they experienced them.

If I knew that I had a terminal illness, I think that I would be less focused on spending as much time with my kids than I would be concerned about ensuring that provisions were in place to secure their future.

A child who poses a documented threat to herself or others can and should be hospitalized. This is not something that should be bandied about or part of some idle internet supposition.

You would be rightfully angered if someone were to suggest that with your untreated PND that you could possibly pose a threat to the safety of your 3 year old child.

Again, I am really trying to encourage you to handle this situation by getting immediate and appropriate professional help.

I think yours is a well considered post but I have some questions.

At this point in time what professional help can the OP access?

If her DH and Ex refuse mediation/family therapy (which I suspect they would) where does the OP go from here?

Getting counselling for herself is a good idea but not something that's going to feasible given the complications of her pregnancy and Covid restrictions at the present time.

The pressure is to have DSD right NOW.

I honestly can't see what possible professional intervention the OP can facilitate in a short timeframe other than call social services- the input of which would add additional stress to her and her children.

I absolutely agree with you that professional support is needed but that's not going to happen within the timeline the OP is being railroaded into.

I just want to address a few things that have come up with several people on this thread as some have given the impression that they think I suffer with long term chronic depression. I don’t.

I had PND after my 2nd child (he is now 14) so I recognise the symptoms and I have felt familiar symptoms come up in the last few months which have got considerably worse recently. I imagine this is due to being in physical pain (pregnancy related-I can hardly walk) and also this situation has not helped and i am not sleeping because of the stress which makes things harder to cope with. I am accessing support from several avenues In regards to this and I have referred myself for therapy. I will also go on medication but only once baby is born and as she is due in less than 5 weeks i don’t want to start now. I am fully aware and open to that I need some help and i am doing something about it...
however any implied comments that this is all because of my MH is I’m sorry going to be ignored. This is my story that goes back years and years and the underlying issue here is not my MH in my opinion. It’s a current contributing factor to consider to why I am struggling with this situation and what is being asked of me.

The term dangerous is used because of the destruction and control that this child has had. The many lies that have been told and the relationships that have been damaged in extended family beyond repair because of them.
Lies that could have ruined my career (I actually work with children).. lies that hurt my DS (she said he had hit her but she actually hit herself and said it was him), Lying that my daughter stole something when it was in fact her. More recently lies of abuse about her SD too which could flag SS and then his children would be all investigated for risks.. the fact that she is apparently self harming, volatile and suicidal is quite dangerous to have around my DCs (especially my 6 year old).
I have only given some examples with the main one for me being 3 years ago but there is years of this and it hasn’t got better... just now the lies are not about me or my DCs as we haven’t had contact with her. They are about her mum, her SD and even her dad.
She also says one thing one day and the next changes what she said and will claim she never said the previous thing. This happens a lot.
Also she has little empathy. She doesn’t seem to consider the impact on other people and she is only concerned with how she can get what she wants and if she doesn’t get it she will up the anti so to speak.. and now she says things like she will hurt herself to manipulate those around her.
She is dangerous because the people around her have allowed and colluded with this. This isn’t her fault. She has been failed and is clearly in need of real help...
but the problem is that this help right now can’t be from me and my DCs. That’s the point. We are not equipped to.. and until her Dad and mum change and start to take some responsibility and action she isn’t going to change or get what she really needs.
I don’t want to expose my children to this level of toxic drama... If I really thought I could help I would but it really isn’t that simple and I wouldn’t be on this forum looking for guidance... if you look at my first post it says ‘how can I resolve this in the best interests for all’ But I need to protect my DC just like he needs to protect his. We just have different ideas it seems on what this means.
Sorry rant over.

OP that wasn't a rant it was a statement of fact and an eloquent one at that.

You'd do well to say that to your "D"H verbatim.

I've a feeling you might have found your backbone

OP, you've been very clear that you have struggled in the past with PND, and are afraid that this situation could be possibly contributing to PND now.

It sounds like you are struggling because you are in a shitty mess caused by DH, his ex and SD. You've done your best for SD, but your resources are tapped out at this point. You aren't responsible for this mess and shouldn't have to be the clean up crew either.

I would say that it is in fact very healthy that you understand and have stated that your SD's problems are too big for you to handle. You recognize that SD has some serious behavioral/ MH issues, and you know that you can't fix those on your own (which is what DH wants you to do since he will be back at work). You are advocating for yourself and your children- that's what a healthy mom does!

So while I agree you may need support to deal with this mess around you, your depression isn't the problem here. You are thinking and behaving clearly. Don't let anyone blame this mess on you.

Also make no mistake that the lie she went back and told her mum and others that I emotionally abused her was in no way misunderstood. The final story (there are more building up to this one) she told was about how I got in her face finger pointed screaming at her the same thing over and over whilst she begged and begged me to stop but apparently I didn’t NEVER happened. I’ve never even raised my voice at her and I also hadn't been alone with her in a room for 18 months at this point (as she had lied many times before about me and I said to DH I wouldn’t be on my own with her and thank god I stuck to that!)... my DH was also in the room at the time. He knows it’s rubbish. Didn’t stop those around her believing her though...
So no there can’t really be an explanation that she believed I EA her. It was more likely another lie said so she wouldn’t have to come to our house anymore, to get her mums attention, her grand parents full attention (jealous of my youngest DS) and to get her dad to herself 100% of the time... and she got all those things from it.

OP, I'm so sorry that things have turned out this way. But apparently your husband is taking the easier route and not challenging SD or EX. I'm afraid that there is just no way to win here.

He knew the abuse didn't happen, and still didn't defend you. Sure, he made a bit of noise here and there, but he didn't want to upset EX and SD, so he eventually let it slide. He will keep doing this.

Have you talked any more tonight after the big argument?

Yes I’m feeling a back bone forming! His response today has made me so so angry. The way he spoke to me shows he hasn’t changed. It took me back.... And he deserves better?! Jeez! I’m in constant pain right now, struggling with my MH, doing my absolute best to be a mum and look after my own 3 DCs, I’m about to give birth to his baby and I’ve put up with this shit for years and years.
And HE deserves better?! Wow!

Thank you again! For all your posts, challenging my thinking, helping me to process and decloud my scrambled and confused thoughts.
I’m absolutely heartbroken to be honest but that isn’t going to help me right now..

Please don't doubt yourself.

Put it this way, this is MN step parenting forum, you are initially automatically the evil one. Yet very few,, reading your story fully, would or have come to that conclusion.

Your DSD is 15. Nearly an adult. Yet she has been so cosseted that she has never had consequences for her actions.

Of course she isn't evil, but neither are you. She wants to be an only child. You have the needs of your other children to consider, even if you don't consider your own needs.

Your 6yo doesn't know her. She cannot simply move in to your home. She needs to get to know your family first.

If DH chooses to prioritise her and be a selfish idiot, that is his choice. Not yours. I cannot accept that you are the one being unreasonable here after years of mental abuse.

He needs to get over his guilt for being a poor parent and actually be the parent she needs. Its incredibly selfish to expect you all to live on egg shells for her.

No we haven’t. It can be hard to find moments to talk with 3 DC in the house that I don’t want to subject to raised voices and didn’t really want to talk to him again really. After his rant and storming off there wasn’t anything to say. He was far too angry to be reasonable and I wasn’t going to back down. I was calm and cooked the kids their tea and went to bed as soon as I could. He’s on the sofa...

Well I have sat and read the whole thread. She has been failed by her parents, that is not in question. She is very dangerous, and let's not try and fluff it up, she may have MH issue..... But some people can just be like that because they can. MH doesn't give you a free reign to destroy other people. Some kids are Liars and spiteful and attention seeking. They are so used to people pandering to them. But again it's learnt behaviour.

As for mum.... Not quite convinced there but OP, you do not allow her to just waltz back in. If he wants to care for her.... He moves out. Simple.

Yeah, the doctor wouldn't say that. I had bc and I had so much documentation about it. Ask to see it. I also didn't send my kids away, if anything, I clung on to them a little bit more. Just in case. The surgeons and consultant were nothing but positive

And tbh you'd have to be extremely ill to be given 2 months. I still managed to get kids to school even in the throes of chemo. This other family is just full of shit. And I would probably call SS for help right now. The mum is going to damage (even more) the SD with this sort of crap. Your 'D' H needs to ship out as well. He's an arsehole putting you through this.

@Mummafee

No we haven’t. It can be hard to find moments to talk with 3 DC in the house that I don’t want to subject to raised voices and didn’t really want to talk to him again really. After his rant and storming off there wasn’t anything to say. He was far too angry to be reasonable and I wasn’t going to back down. I was calm and cooked the kids their tea and went to bed as soon as I could. He’s on the sofa...

Ah, totally understandable. What a mess. I think that you may need to back right off. Let "D"H make his plans with his SD, and see where everything stands then.

She can't come back to your home. I'm so sorry, but your husband has just blown everything up. Stay strong for your kids and yourself. You have obviously developed some good boundaries, or you never would have questioned this arrangement.

We are here to support you. It's a shame that all of this drama is going on in your last few weeks of pregnancy. You should be relaxing!

Your husband is indeed an arsehole. I can’t find the words for a man who is so nasty to his wife just a few weeks before she is due to give birth to his child.

The choice is clear now that he and his ex have increased the pressure on you. In order to protect yourself and your children you have to tell your DH that he needs to move out if he wants to live with SD. Be very firm that, while you are sorry to hear that his ex is ill, you will not have his daughter moving in under any circumstances. I would also suggest telling DH that even if his ex dies you won’t have SD moving in because you can’t support her through a bereavement along with all her other issues. You will have a newborn baby who has to be the main focus of your attention during the next few months.

More

I think you tell your H that you understand he has made his choice and will to need move out and find a place to live with DSD until integrating her back into the family. Obviously the risk of accusations of violence and SA against the other DC and yourself are too high for that to happen quickly.

You don't need to end the marriage, it's a stop gap. Of course the reality is likely it's over but I can't see any other solution.

The best response may be suggested a separate living arrangements until you have the baby and then till the baby is a couple of months old.

Your H is not considering anyone else in your household at the moment. I can just see your DD spending more and more time away from the house if SD comes back.

He talks about his mental health... what about you and your DC?

I really don't see why she has to move in with you. Thousands of people have cancer and their kids don't have to live away from their home.

I think she's just become a handful and her mum doesn't want to deal with her on top of the current situation.

You're in a tough position... are your DC aware of SD coming back? I think you need to really to then and see what their thoughts are.

If they are dead against it, then you need to support them... and look at alternative living arrangements.

He's putting his child first... you need to do the same.

I’ve just read the thread OP. So much stress for you so close to giving birth.

None of this is your problem though. This whole situation is down to both of her parents not dealing with the past in an appropriate and healthy way.

They made their bed now they can lie in it. Don’t let either your dh or her mother now off load this in to being your problem.

No one has even apologised to you. Dreadful behaviour of them all.