Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

It is truly a safety issue at this point. These lies could cause OP to lose her professional career. The OP cannot be around the SD alone, and neither can her kids. There's just no way to make this work logistically. She has also accused the OPs daughter of theft in the past.

I'm afraid that the OP and her husband will probably need to split. OP has 4 children to safeguard here. Unfortunately, the chickens have come home to roost. The SD is out of control because her parents have failed her. But OP needs to make sure that she and her children aren't collateral damage in the fallout.

I'm sorry to hear this OP.

You say your DH has found this out. From who? His Ex, his DD or someone else?

Why is he being told now? Why not when DD said she wanted to move back in or when Ex demanded by text that this needed to happen?

Was this after he communicated any push back about her moving back in?

The timing is somewhat incredible and whilst of course bad things do happen at the worst time I'd be wary of assuming you are being told the gospel truth here.

To be honest this smells "off".

If I'd been given such a diagnosis I'd want to draw my children and loved ones around me - not push them away. As a child I would want to be with my parent under such circumstances not leave them.

Anyway let's assume this is the actual status at the moment.

It's obviously very sad for Ex and DSD but fundamentally it doesn't change your situation.

You are unwell and expecting. Your health matters as does that of your baby.

The mental health of your children matter.

Your DH doesn't get to put his Ex's health over yours. He needs to check his vows to you "in sickness and in health" rather than gaslight you into believing your at fault.

If he persists with this line then the answer is that he needs to move out and find somewhere to live with DSD.

He's given his ultimatum now it's time to give him yours and mean it.

@DeRigueurMortis I agree with you and another PP. the time somewhat stretches credulity. But it's taboo isnt it to say that? My understanding is that she has the one child, not sure why that's too much to cope with?

I haven’t at all given him an ultimatum of us or his DD. That’s absurd and I’ve always said I want to sort this out somehow... And regardless of what’s happened if it’s true her mum has cancer then that’s horrible for her and her dad should step up and help as much as he can and we should start to try and figure out how we can move forward (which is what I thought was what we were doing)

However now my DH won’t be enforcing any apology or any rules. It won’t be fair on her with what’s going on... and I am expected to put my DCs needs and my MH to one side to be there for her and the fact that I am due a baby in less than 5 weeks doesn’t feel to even be a consideration.

My DH said if I loved him I would be doing all I can right now to put this right. That his MH is suffering and if he cracks up we are all fucked (Excuse my language) so I need to step up and that now I’m being petty and all that’s happened is not important as what she is going through is priority and if I get in the way he will never forgive me.

And despite everything I do want to help and I do see a kid that is very unhappy but I feel so bullied about it and regardless of her mum being ill it doesn’t change my concerns about her living with us. If my DH was supportive and understood why I was feeling like I was (which he did 24 hours ago) rather than shouting at me to grow up, to sort myself out and was united with me on this (like I thought he was) then this wouldn’t be where we are right now. This issue in reality has really been going on years and years.
I see more and more than the issue is with DH.

Unfortunately I have no where to go with 3 children and this late in my pregnancy.

I know @Vodkacranberryplease. I felt bad for suggesting it, but the timing is sketchy. SD is 15, and could actually be helpful to her mother during cancer treatment. Something doesn't feel right about any of this.

Oh god, @Mummafee. You are being well and truly bullied.

He's now going to let the SD do whatever the hell she wants in your home. I don't think I could forgive him for the way he has manipulated you and been so nasty.

Just to add OP your DH says "this changes everything".

Actually no it doesn't.

It doesn't change the fact you don't have the space to accommodate DSD without her sharing with your DD who she stole from.

It doesn't change the fact that she tells lies that are massively impactful in terms of causing family estrangements and have to potential to result in very serious repercussions.

It doesn't change the fact that logistically you can't care for her when you can barely walk nor can you establish a schedule to ensure no one is let alone with her (does he plan to sleep in his DD's and your DD's bedroom?).

It doesn't change that fact that you are unwell yet expected to shoulder this burden as well as looking after your own children.

Without wishing to sound callous many women get a diagnosis of breast cancer and do not (nor would they wish to) opt out of being a parent especially if that meant sending their child to the home of someone they have insisted for 3 years of having emotionally abused their child.

So no, nothing changed. The stakes just got raised and you can choose to fold, bluff or raise again...

Ask him to move out and rent a flat for him and his daughter. Tell him once he's done that, the pressure will be off and you can talk about a longer term solution

Yes this news has come from the ex after we haven’t jumped straight away at SD coming to our house.
It does feel a bit off.. she said to DH she may only have 2 months left to live... yet she wants her DD out the way? If this was true wouldn’t you want to spend as much time as possible with your children and loved ones?
Also (this is bad and I’m not proud of this but as I was suspicious I internet stalked) and she was still working a few weeks ago - she posted pics on her business page of her with a client who she had done the hair of (she’s a hairdresser)...and it says she’s open still.. if I had cancer with 2 months to live would you be working as a hairdresser still and advertising your work?
But it doesn’t really matter anyway as DH has responded as if it’s the gospel truth... and the drama has been embraced.

If he chooses to end the marriage he will have to move out.

I don't understand why DSD wants to leave her Mum when she has cancer?? When my friend was diagnosed her DC wanted to spend as much time as possible with her not f*ck off to their respective Dads house...

You don't need to go anywhere OP.

He does.

In fact I'd start right now and show him you mean business.

Tell him to book a hotel/apartment for the week or two weeks. He can spend the time with his DD to reconnect with her.

Given her GP's lasted 2 days my bet is that might be just what he needs (DD 24x7) to get through what he's expecting you to take on whilst pregnant and with a newborn.

Oh my goodness OP I’m so sorry it’s come to this. Your DH seems to know all about the vows and has decided that they don’t apply to him, just to you. He’s supposed to have your back, he’s about to have a new baby and also has a young child to protect, and yet none of that counts for anything it would seem.
Who owns the house? Can you ask him to leave? Easier for him to get a place just for him and DSD than it would be for you to leave while heavily pregnant or with a new born, never mind the rest of the kids.
Let DSD “win” him. What you need to win is peace and safety for yourself and your babies, and that will be wherever he and his daughter are not.

Did you vow to be irrelevant and a doormat.

If you throw yourself and your children under the bus now, the resentment will kill the relationship anyway.

Your DS is 6 and frankly doesn't know her. She chose that.

Who told him about the cancer, Dd? Because I don't believe this would only be coming out now. Truth is she doesn't get on with her SD. that's it.

There is no way I personally would be emotionally blackmailed like this. The lack of respect for anyone else in the house is unacceptable.

He should move in to a flat with her if she really can't stay at home. I mean she isn't 5, she doesn't need babysitting.

Does DSD know her mother has cancer and might have only months let to live?

Or is that being kept a secret between Ex and DH?

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this....

Gosh. How awful to be put in this position. Perhaps he should leave and you stay home with the children... give you some time to adjust? Then again he's saying it's now or never. How unfair. I feel awful saying it but I wonder if the mother is being honest. Horrid. Remind him you're almost due he needs to stop putting all this pressure on you so baby can finish baking as it were. He's really letting the side down.

Her mum actually said all this in front of her when DH went to pick his daughter up (Took her out for food). Not sure if that’s better or worse?

As previously asked.... does DSD know? I think that's the clincher here as to whether this is the truth or possibly exaggerated.....

If she does know and so it's true it does put u up against a wall.... if the child is loosing her mother or even if the mother is v ill she needs to live with her dad, at least as the main place of residence dealing with the everyday stuff for now.

What u decide to do is then really up to u. ☹️

Hold on, the Ex told your DH that she has cancer, possibly only two months to live, and SD has to go live with you like yesterday - IN FRONT OF the SD?

Who does that?!?

No wonder the poor kid is so messed up.

@Mummafee

Her mum actually said all this in front of her when DH went to pick his daughter up (Took her out for food). Not sure if that’s better or worse?

Sorry cross post

Wow! That's.... open!

How is the DSD about it?

She might be a tricky kid.... but poor kid. I feel for her.

Seems the answer to your dsd's mh issues are staring you in the face now.
Suggest dh goes to stay with them.

Ok so it's either true or there is a possibility that Ex/DSD are colluding.

It feel awful to think the latter but given past history I don't think it can be ruled out.

If DSD does know I'm baffled as to why she'd want to leave her mother. It doesn't make any sense.

Regardless my advice below stands.

Tell DH to move out for 2 weeks to reconnect with his DD full time and take pressure of his Ex. You're being "understanding" but not giving in to any of them.

It buys you time and tbh I'll bet good money he'll feel differently after that but if he doesn't then I'd suggest it's game over.

OP I think your DH needs to move out and live somewhere else with his DD. Tell him the marriage is on hold for now and as you'll be caring for 4 kids you're staying put.

? at his parent's house or rent a flat.

Could you get advice from CAB or Women's Aid? Claim benefits as single parent.

The timing of the diagnosis is suspicious to say the least. (I'm hoping this is a troll thread OP it sounds so awful)

Doctors don't tell you you have 2 months to live, possibly.

They don't.

I call bullshit.

Wonder where the DSD learnt to lie, right there

To Mumafee:
Please discuss your situation with a therapist. Internet input may make you feel empowered , but you really need is to begin a therapeutic process that addresses the many issues with which you are dealing.

It is nonsensical for someone to say that if you decide to separate that your husband will have to leave. Not one of us knows the status of your financial situation ; nor do we know the laws governing in your state. You could possibly get the house if it is jointly owned as opposed to it beg a pre-marital asset that he owned. You are a long ways from that kind of decision needing to be made.

Even if he decides to live apart for a while, you need to get some therapeutic help for yourself and your children who have been living with your depression.

You may not be capable of fixing your marriage if you do not first fix yourself.

Stop focusing on your step daughter and your husband. Even if the girl moves into the house, at age 15 she should be able to do much of her own maintenance. Let her be your husband 's responsibility. She may not wish to be integrated into your family. If in fact her mother is terminal, she will have far more serious issues that she will have to handle.

What treatment or therapy have you been receiving for your PND? Was this a self diagnosis or was this a diagnosis made by a treating physician?

I feel for your entire family because it would seem that none of you are in a good place , and the solution is not likely going to come from either you or your husband. If this relationship really matters to you,
both you and your husband need to enter therapy prepared to let the therapist help the 2 of you identify the root causes of your problems.

All 5 of these children deserve better than they are receiving.

This is a DH problem after all. He's told you that for his D there are no rules and she doesn't need to apologise or admit she's wrong. In your house.

He's going back to work and you are expected to Look after her when you are either virtually bedbound or have a new baby.

And he believed a highly improbably story about having just 2 months to live therefore the child must live with you.

Sorry OP. I cant see this working, he's happy to sacrifice you all for his daughter because he's convinced himself you are being unreasonable therefore he's losing nothing.

He is part of his daughters problem too.