Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

@SandyY2K

Just to at that add well as considering your kids here and now... these situations can have a long term impact on your kids.... they will see you as the one who didn't protect them from the nastiness of SD... their resentment can be directed to you for not standing up for them, which will harm the relationship you have going forwards as they become adults.

The parent who didn't protect their kids.... can be seen as the one who will not protect their grandchildren.... whether this is due to being meek..or a pushover .... the result can be the same.

Yes I see that. Thank you. This was starting to come apparent in the earlier years and it wasn’t good for anyone including SD. I can’t let that happen now either. It’s sad that I have to though.

I'm suggesting direct communication in writing but only to set that out. Any answers to go back to DH. But it kind of positions you as in charge. You are the boss of The Family House ltd.

Currently part of the reason they don't respect you is that your DH is seen as the one with the power and you as the one that does as she's told. Obviously it's a partnership - but he's not at home with this girl. You have to do the work and it's your children this will negatively impact on. Do you have the final say.

GOD NO! Nothing in writing! This would be weaponised immediately!!!! Please don’t put yourself in this position!!! I know you wish to be in a position of power, but to do this, you must have all contact go through husband, then have him “consider your needs” (pretend he’s an adult capable of these decisions) and “come to these decisions himself” (Absolutely not...) or you will most likely be scapegoated by ex & family and potentially by social services if you are not careful. As DSD has not yet admitted that she lied in the first place, there is still the EA tag dangling over your heads. You are still in too vulnerable a position.

@justilou1

GOD NO! Nothing in writing! This would be weaponised immediately!!!! Please don’t put yourself in this position!!! I know you wish to be in a position of power, but to do this, you must have all contact go through husband, then have him “consider your needs” (pretend he’s an adult capable of these decisions) and “come to these decisions himself” (Absolutely not...) or you will most likely be scapegoated by ex & family and potentially by social services if you are not careful. As DSD has not yet admitted that she lied in the first place, there is still the EA tag dangling over your heads. You are still in too vulnerable a position.

You could both well be right. I'm thinking of this more as an adult in a more business context. In the real world if you need to draw a line and insure yourself against the weakest link who could be pressured (dh) you set out why you can't do x and y to the person doing the pressuring, in such a way that should it be read out in court you sound entirely reasonable (because you are). I'm also not a fan of hiding behind other people as then it can get a bit like Chinese whispers and I can't control the outcome.

But in this crazy world it could well be a disaster. Which is a shame because the shot will just keep going and going. DH isn't going to be clear with nutter ex. The OP is just a bit player in the whole thing, seen as having no voice or rights, or opinion of your own.

Plus no one looks after you and yours as well as you do. He was ok to throw his teenage SD under the bus and only just drew the line (eventually) when it involved his own 2 year old. Even now he sees little wrong with his wife struggling with PND abc a new baby and there's no excitement about the new arrival (that I can see) or thinking about how he should be supporting his wife.

It's just all about the nasty ex and the kid that hates the OP, and because he's not being clear and setting out clear reasons and boundaries and timelines - in fact he hadn't even thought it through, the ex will just keep pushing a pressuring and he will feel guilty.

"I have fear and I hate confrontation."

One of my DSC used to tantrum and run rings round both their parents. Everyone lived in anxious anticipation of the next explosion and the atmosphere in the house was always tense which I thought was particularly unfair on their siblings.

After one particular incident I encouraged DH to stand up to DSC and enforce a natural consequence - he still remembers it as one of the most uncomfortable things he ever did as every fibre of his conflict-avoidant personality wanted to let it go. But you know what? After he followed through on that consequence and installed some (still pretty relaxed) boundaries the house was a much calmer, happier place for everyone in the family including the DSC in question.

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes you need a confrontation in order to avoid confrontation. Like standing up to a bully I guess. Don't let a transient unpleasantness/awkwardness stop you from doing the right thing. Yes it'll feel horrible but the alternative will be an escalation until it all blows up in everyone's faces and the opportunity for any element of control will have passed.

Having all contact going through a third party unless that third party is a solicitor is not power. That's a very female way to handle it - but it's not power. It's conflict avoidance and rightly so given the pressure the OP is under. His ex, his daughter. His problem.

She shouldn't have to be directly involved. But they all seem to consider her a resource, I kept using the word servant and it's like that. And the DH is a father and wants his daughter to be with him. Because he's not the one that gets it in the neck or gives up his life and MH.

Power fwiw is directly confronting the source of the problem (the ex) and telling her exactly what is going to happen and what is expected of them in order for the OP to be willing to consider this. But that's impossible because there's years of her being treated like shit. I wouldn't do it, that's for sure, and I have no problem with stuff like this.

Hence my suggestion of a very carefully worded email. But anything in writing is always a huge risk so I'd probably run it past someone who was good at this shit - in this instance for example a teacher friend of mine would know how to do the SS type weasel words. The kind that you can't get caught out on.

So I guess it's back to spending however many hours every few days explaining to her DH why this can't happen. With DH stressed and guilty and not enjoying his new baby, because he's under relentless pressure.

Either that or she gives in and her DD moves out pdq. Which would please SD very much. She got the room and has won. SM is back in her box, she's with daddy and the ex can wash her hands of the problem she created. The OP will become more depressed and need to take a higher dose of medication and the marriage may not last.

What a toxic situation. Absolutely unbearable.!

"But it kind of positions you as in charge. You are the boss of The Family House ltd."

Sadly I'm with PP and I disagree with this. OP isn't the boss because ultimately, the final decision with this whole mess rests with the DH. OP is the one anxiously waiting on her DH to decide how to approach this; OP is the one having to present a long list of arguments as to why the logistics won't work; OP is the one unable to set direct boundaries with the Ex and Ex's family because those boundaries will be all but useless if her DH undermines them regardless of what any email says.

The reality is there's no way OP can enforce anything other than her own reaction to her DH's decision. All OP can do is be very clear with her DH about what she will or will not tolerate and what her plans will be if DH goes against her wishes and DSD turns up at the house expecting to stay. Nothing else is in OP's control.

@MyCatHatesEverybody actually that is 100% correct. She can say what she likes but if the ex can still get to her DH and pressure him into accepting something different it makes no difference. In fact it then becomes a very public statement of her lack of power. Very good point.

The only thing to do is to think about what will happen if the ex 'wins' this. Leaving has been mentioned and I think that possibly it's the only answer. If he won't stand up to his D and ex life becomes unbearable for the OP. Even more so than before.

In fact as I'm sure has been said on here before it's because he's been so weak this has become a problem.

@Vodkacranberryplease OP's situation is an extreme version of what all step parents face - an innate inability to have a truly equal say about what goes on in our household with regard to our stepchildren. We can try and influence, we can forcefully state our case, we can "insist" on xyz, - but ultimately the NRP has the final say and the only decision we truly have is to put up or split up.

Even when you hear about "evil" step parents it's the actual parent who's making the final decision whether to be influenced into becoming a deadbeat or not.

@MyCatHatesEverybody yes I can see this. It's such a no win situation because in reality a SM is the one providing most of the care. It's expected that 'one more child makes no more difference'. None of the power, all of the responsibility. No ability to parent the child in a way that works for the whole family unless the H is totally on board.

And the SM can't go on strike and say I'm not cooking the SD dinner or doing her school uniform etc because she's a child and that's just cruel. I can see why you would split up a marriage that is otherwise ok over this. Absolutely.

[quote MyCatHatesEverybody]@Vodkacranberryplease OP's situation is an extreme version of what all step parents face - an innate inability to have a truly equal say about what goes on in our household with regard to our stepchildren. We can try and influence, we can forcefully state our case, we can "insist" on xyz, - but ultimately the NRP has the final say and the only decision we truly have is to put up or split up.

Even when you hear about "evil" step parents it's the actual parent who's making the final decision whether to be influenced into becoming a deadbeat or not.[/quote]

Agree with this 100%.

OP another thing to add to your list.

We've not talked much about her recent stay with her GP's.

According to you they "dote" on her and have a positive relationship.

She lasted 2 days there before her behaviour caused so much stress to her GP's she was sent home.

2 days in an environment with people she's no "beef" with and presumably welcomed her with open arms.

This is very recent.....

What did she do to exhaust the patience of her GP's in such a short space of time?

Why does your DH think that she would behave in a house were she only has love/respect for one person in it and the rest of the household is understandably wary of her rather than laying out the red carpet like her GP's did?

@MyCatHatesEverybody I totally agree!

OP I think you have to set your boundaries and stick to them to the end. You're in an impossible situation unless your DH mans up and sorts his mess out.

Personally I left a situation similar to yours as my ex behaving in pretty much the same way as your DH.

Awful situation you have my upmost sympathy

Hi OP, I hope you are well and have managed to get some rest x

There has been some great advice here so I wont repeat others, what I will say, and what would worry me is that you have a teenage son who she has already accused of violence.

He's older and bigger now, her lies could be far more vicious and damaging to him.

For his sake alone I would not have her in the house again, I know that's harsh, she's clearly a disturbed child, but I just couldnt put my son at risk.

Hello. I’m writing this and I’m beyond gutted and confused. My DH was supportive but today we have had an absolute huge fall out...
Now he has been told that the ex has just found out she has breast cancer and that is why SD needs to come back and why it needs to be now. My husband has told me today that if I don’t accommodate this then it’s the end of our marriage as this changes things. I don’t know what to do or what to say.
I guess it explains the urgency and the pressure he has had on this happening.
“If I don’t help support her and him now then I’m basically the most evil person ever and whatever has happened doesn’t matter anymore- how can I be so selfish. Read your fucking vows.” I quote DH today.
I feel awful.

I knew it. The ultimatum. Dammed if you do, damned if you don't.

Read your fucking vows. Cunt. He doesn't give a shot about his wife who is 5 weeks pregnant then. You get to be this little bitches punching bag because he's too much of a coward to enforce rules. I'm so angry on your behalf.

Ok his hobbies and time off stop. He spends every second at home doing housework and helping with children. He doesn't spend a penny on himself. He doesn't spend even two minutes watching tv.

You are stuck in a living nightmare. You probably need to hire someone to look after you/baby as well.

Maybe buy a caravan for someone to sleep in? Not sure how you keep your teens safe from this lunatic but he refuses to see it.

All you can do is be really strict with the rules and refuse to lift a finger for her.

You poor thing

Wow I would split up personally hes given you an ultimatum so is happy to loose all you have together also when you are heavily pregnant to accommodate his ex, I dont understand why she has to live with you because of that though. Its not like shes a little child that needs to be taken care of.
Op you can do better, your dh is a piece of shit to do this to you when you are just about to have a baby

@Vodkacranberryplease how is it reasonable for you, an adult, to call a child a bitch and a lunatic?
Please. This is an internet thread- you don’t know these people and to be so heavily invested that you start writing frankly terrible words about a child says something about you that you might need to think on.

I’m sorry OP that’s hard. I can see why your DH is distressed but shouting and threatening you isn’t going to make a difficult situation any easier.

Do you have anywhere else you and the other three kids could go?
If not then I’d insist he shares a room with his DD for now and your two boys maybe share.
All you can do is either move out or take her in and ask him to enforce very strict rule which include her never being alone with you or your other kids.

Imo he has chosen his previous 'family' over his current one. His loyalty has nene spelled out and it isn't to you op..
Make plans to split. Wish them well.
And take your self respect out of their drama.

Yes but of course it's the trump card. The big C. Which may or may not happen. To say no makes you the biggest bitch in the world.

I would read him the riot act personally. He spends every hour doing this or helping around the house. He has no life as of now. It's his kid after all.

He rigidly enforces the rules to SD. She has to fucking snap into line and it starts with an apology to all. He has to create a room for her somehow. No sharing.

He has to get her into therapy now. He had to take responsibility for her MH.

Any shit and she's out.

He won't of course because he doesn't see the problem. The OP will just get more and more miserable and downtrodden, her DD will move out and at some point I guess they will split. Then she gets daddy to herself which I imagine was the plan all along.

As @DeRigueurMortis pointed out she couldn't even hold it together for her GPs! Who dote on her! I've never heard of doting GPs kicking their GD out especially after 2 days.

I think if I was you OP I'd be in bits and rather than waiting for the ax to fall I'd probably pre empt it by living elsewhere. But there's 4 children and a whole household to split up, a complete nightmare.

Op do you have anyone you can lean on in real life?
I actually think the way he is treating you is so awful you need to gather all your support systems together this is too much stress for someone so heavily pregnant.
He has totally manipulated you into doing what he wants, so has she, they are trying play on your good nature and make you look 'the bad one' , he sounds as bad as her to be honest.
And categorically you would not be a bad person for not letting her to come to live with you, you are the only one who has any sense in this entire situation.

I am so sorry you married such an shitty person

In reality you have 2 people both with equal say in a house. Both thinking that they are in the right and assumedly both joint owners of the property. Objectively neither is more important or significant than the other. Both have the right to their individual opinions and no amount of outside support makes one stance more valid than the other.

The only valid position that either can take is to each state what they will or will not live with and then act in accordance with the stance that there have taken. They are each fully aware of the obligations that they have to each other and to their respective children.

The ex could have died last night, and what then would the father have been expected to do with his child. Would he have been expected to say " hang out in the street for 6 months until I can sort this? "

The OP seems to be suffering from long term issues related to previously experienced domestic abuse, possibly chronic depression, and pre-natal depression. Should she have to add to her already extensive list of problems?

In fairness to both, it seems that this is a family in crisis and that all of them ,including the children, should be in family counseling . The OP's PND may be negatively impacting her marriage and all of her children.
The husband is in a situation where he is being expected to choose between people all of whom he loves equally and whose well being is of equal importance to him.

Marriage and family counseling along with medically prescribed treatment for the OP's PND which may soon become PPD seem to be the most expeditious route for dealing with these problems.

Tbh, I don't see the step daughter as being the major issue. Kid's tell lies and the girl may have and still might believe that she was emotionally abused. That can be a very subjective belief. There has been nothing stated that suggest that the daughter poses a physical or criminal threat to any one. Lying and not caring for your step siblings or bio siblings are not grounds to say that a child poses a threat to anyone. Were that the case, many children would be out of their homes.

This is not an easy situation, it calls for professional help in reaching a resolution. If the OP and her husband are unwilling to get professional help immediately , then living apart may be in the best interest of all involved.

Vodkacranberryplease you really enjoyed calling this kid a bitch then didn't you.
Oh a lunatic too. This child is a product of the parents. The father too not just the mother.

He needs to be there for his child. But that doesn't mean you have too OP. If I was the Dh and my kid was obviously troubled like this I would probably move out.
My daughter had years of her other parent trying to use her to attack me and I have been through the mill. There wouldn't come a time where she couldn't live with me.

This doesn't mean you are in the wrong OP. I think you are protecting yourself and your children. But he needs to protect his daughter.

Oh, no OP. I'm so sorry.

And I hate to be ugly here, but are you and your husband sure she has cancer? The previous behavior of mom and SD makes me wonder.

But even if so, you need help now. Call your midwife and doctor, get some support for yourself lined up.

I would be inclined to call his bluff. Have him leave. She can live with him.

@Oswin Vodkacranberryplease you really enjoyed calling this kid a bitch then didn't you.
Oh a lunatic too. This child is a product of the parents.

How about you hold off on the mind reading? You don't know what I enjoy or don't. I don't as a rule think of damaged children as 'just' bitches but if you RTFT you would see a very damaged and dangerous girl who is sbout to completely destroy the lives of 5 people. Including a newborn baby and a young child. She's already tried very hard and almost succeeded.

Her allegations could have resulted in the OP losing her own children with SS involvement. If you RTFT you would know that the OP brought her into their house and did her best only to have lies told about her and her teenage daughter.

Even the OP, the most tolerant person in the world, knows she is dangerous. There have been people who work with children on this thread saying don't leave her alone with the baby.

So save your pious diatribe and focus on the op. I know it makes you feel better (see, two can do mind reading!) but you're off target.