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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Any advise would be very helpful!

37 replies

Danimuso87 · 16/07/2020 00:41

I’ve been with my bf now for some time and early on in the relationship he dropped a bomb shell that he was was expecting a child from a one off hook up with an ex. He already had a daughter from a previous relationship which I was totally fine with, the hook up pregnancy was an accident and the mum to be wanted to keep the baby. Initially I had to think long and hard about the situation but I stayed as he isn’t a bad person and it was genuinely a mistake. He had no intention of being with the mum of the second child. Since the baby has been born during lockdown I’ve found it extremely hard to deal with, more so than I thought. Lockdown of course didn’t help as he also wasn’t able to see his son. However, the mum spends a lot of time with his family arranging walks out, lunch at his parents house every week etc. She has recently grown close with his sister and it’s made me feel extremely outcast. I’ve built an amazing relationship with his little girl but I’m yet to meet his new son. I just feel so uneasy about the whole thing. It feels like the mum is purposely going out of her way to get her foot in the door with his family as much as possible. I would never stop him from seeing his son but I’m beginning to not enjoy him spending so much time with the mum too, I wish he would just be allowed to have him on his own for a day so my bf can spend time with his son and his family. Not his son, family and the mother of the child, whilst I’m sat at home twiddling my thumbs. I’ve mentioned my concerns to my bf and he understands but I think if I keep pushing it he’ll soon be annoyed that I’m finding it so hard. Am I being selfish? I can’t tell... It’s just all been a bit harder to swallow than I initially thought or anticipated I think... any advice would be gratefully received!

OP posts:

Hawkmoth · 16/07/2020 00:45

Crikey, just leave.

MynameisHappind · 16/07/2020 05:29

My advice is to break off the relationship. She will always be around and his family may always prefer her. With time there will be more jealousy even more pressure on you to have a baby. It all just feels like a competition.
You realise if you have kids together he would have 3 children with 3 different women...not very responsible, is he?

LatteLover12 · 16/07/2020 05:40

There's a better relationship out there for you than this. You're always going to feel left out/not number one so why stay?
I'd break it off if I were you.

funinthesun19 · 16/07/2020 07:16

I agree with the other posters. You don’t need to settle for this life at all. For your own sake I think you should end the relationship.

I don’t know how he thought it was all going to work to be honest. It all seems very unfair on you. If he wants a relationship with someone then he needs to be careful where he puts it and not have flings.

Sertchgi123 · 16/07/2020 07:19

Christ on a bike! You’re worth more than this barrow load of shite! 💐

FredaFrogspawn · 16/07/2020 07:22

I’d back off and give him space to get to know his son. The baby and his needs comes so far before yours I’m afraid. Too much drama for me.

BikerWife · 16/07/2020 07:24

Honestly I would cut your losses and leave this relationship. I'm a step mum, it's the hardest role I've ever had and I cope (just!) because my DH is amazing and supportive and because over the years I've learned to let a lot of things go! There is so much better for you out there, this situation sounds awful and unlikely to improve.

Soph88888 · 16/07/2020 07:33

A new baby very much needs to be close to its mum.. this is likely to continue for at least a year before he can be without his mum for longer than a few hours ........

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 16/07/2020 08:40

I would get out now whilst you can OP. You deserve better.

UgaBaluga82 · 16/07/2020 09:11

The hills are that way -> ->

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but honestly you will be SO much better off leaving this relationship.

You're currently facing a minimum of 18 years of you sitting on the side lines whilst he goes one way to do something with his DD, then another to be with his DS.

If he's a halfway decent father, his priorities should be with them and not you.

This is the easy bit, if you're struggling now, believe me you want to avoid what's ahead.

Evelefteden · 16/07/2020 09:20

Ah is so complicated. He honestly isn’t worth all this is he?

How old are you? Do you really want to be saddled with two kids and ex’s all over the show? There are men out there that don’t have this baggage.

Can you imagine if you stay and get pregnant? Your life will be so effected by these other children, you don’t be able to afford nice holidays ect with your children as you will be expected to take the other two also. Christmas’s will be hard as he may want to take time out during the day to visit his other kids. Family occasions where his ex’s are invited and sitting with his family and you feeling like shit.

He really isn’t worth it and he either cheated on you or you have been with him less than a year which is nothing in the bigger scheme of things.

Let him go and find some one that does not have this baggage or stress attached to them

Evelefteden · 16/07/2020 09:21

Also have you posted about this before but with out the new born, when did he drop that he was having another baby?

Original poster

Danimuso87 · 16/07/2020 09:40

@Evelefteden

Ah is so complicated. He honestly isn’t worth all this is he?

How old are you? Do you really want to be saddled with two kids and ex’s all over the show? There are men out there that don’t have this baggage.

He really isn’t worth it and he either cheated on you or you have been with him less than a year which is nothing in the bigger scheme of things.

Let him go and find some one that does not have this baggage or stress attached to them

Yeh it's complicated, we've been together 8 months so not quite a year, however we both fell head over heels for eachother very quickly and the relationship is very good! I'm 33. It's not an ideal situation and I get that his new son is still too young to be left alone at the moment at 4 months old. I think I underestimated how much I'd struggle with the amount of contact the mum has with him and his family, although I get why and fully appreciate that that's what has to be done at this time. It's just hard to stomach at times. I haven't posted on mumsnet before, I'm a newbie.

OP posts:

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 16/07/2020 09:48

I can understand why it’s important for the baby to be close to mum while he’s spending time, and it’s nice that his family is welcoming her too, but as his partner you should be involved in those visits too, if you want to be. The baby should grow up knowing his dad and you as a couple. If it was just a hook up and his the baby’s mum doesn’t have feelings for him, she shouldn’t have an issue with you being there when they’re all spending time together.

If that’s not something you, or any of the rest of them, are comfortable with, it will not get any better for many months. If ever. It sounds like his family are welcoming her as part of their family, so if you want a relationship with him, you’ll have to accept her as part of it. Speaking as someone whose DP’s ex is a bigger part of his life than I’d like, it’s the hardest thing ever to have to share your DP with his past. It’s early days for you, I’d walk away now, as this will get harder not easier for you.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 16/07/2020 09:50

Plus he’s clearly sexually irresponsible, so get yourself tested for STDs.

Evelefteden · 16/07/2020 10:02

Dani I’ve just walked out of a ten year marriage. We had an amazing start to the relationship, had two kids, but ten years in I didn’t feel the same. He’s not a bad bloke but I need something else if I’m going to ever be in a relationship again. I’m 41.

You’ve known him for 8 months and your already feeling shit about the situation - and this situation is not going to go away. When did he tell you about the new baby? Right at the start?

Evelefteden · 16/07/2020 10:24

Also Dani when did he tell you about the second baby? If he told you in the first/second date fair enough bit if he waited till you were months in and invested this tells you that this man has not got your best interests at heart

ArriettyJones · 16/07/2020 10:26

Way too much drama.

Original poster

Danimuso87 · 16/07/2020 10:48

@Evelefteden

I always knew about his daughter as she was from a previous relationship. The new baby he told me within the first month of our relationship and I decided to stay, neither of us expected to fall for each other as quickly as we did and he told me as soon as he knew that the relationship was going to be much more serious. I have a great relationship with his daughter and class her as a step daughter... I'm still yet to meet the new baby. The second child wasn't a one night stand and he has never cheated, it was a drunken rekindling with an old ex and unfortunately she fell pregnant. It wasn't through him being irresponsible and sleeping around, just shitty timing and outcome.

OP posts:

GarlicMcAtackney · 16/07/2020 11:37

No one should be calling their new boyfriends kid a stepchild, at a mere 8 months of dating it’s not even appropriate for you to have met the child. Slow this (dramafest) waaaaaay down.

UgaBaluga82 · 16/07/2020 11:44

I'm sorry, but you need to grow up a bit here.

You've been dating a man for 8 months, part of which has been in lock down, so you really can't have spent that much time with him or his DD.

She is NOT your step daughter, or anything like it.

You are a girlfriend and if he was a decent father, he would have given your relationship at least a year before introducing you to his DC. Especially as his previous sexual partner was pregnant with his DC2 when he met you 🤦‍♀️

At 33, please have more sense and walk away from this. At 8 months you should be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, not the Jeremy Kyle phase; it's crap now, do you honestly think it's going to get better?

Reset your self-worth and decide that you deserve more, because honestly, you do.

Magda72 · 16/07/2020 12:08

it was a drunken rekindling with an old ex
There's a very thin line between that and a one night stand!!!
Not one person has advised you to stay & there's a broad spectrum of women & ages responding to you.
Having kids is hard enough.
Having step kids is harder.
Having step kids with different parents is harder still.

This will NEVER get any better & you will spend the rest of your life with this man juggling 2 kids/2 exes/possibly different access arrangements & if you ever have a child yourself that child will be expected to slot in around the other children - read virtually ANY post on here from women who've had kids with men who already had kids and there are very few positive stories.
You're 33 with your entire life ahead of you - you are crazy if you stay - NO man is that much of a prince to be worth the grief you'll have to endure.

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2020 12:41

This is one of those situations where because you are head over heels for him right now, you are convincing yourself that this particular guy is worth all the sacrifices that come with him. I get it, I was once so in love with a guy I told myself I could cope with him not wanting to be in a relationship and sleeping with other people, because I'd never love anyone like I loved him and that was special and worth it.

The truth is that his situation is a shit show. The older child would make being in a relationship complicated and most likely full of sacrifice, but the baby makes it pretty much impossible for him to have a relationship right now without massively taking the piss in terms of what he needs you to put up with. You feel uncomfortable and like you're struggling to come to terms with, because it IS too much to put up with. That resentment is only going to grow stronger. It doesn't bode well that you think he would get annoyed by you not being happy with the situation, either. He should be well aware of what his actions have lead to him having to ask from a partner and willing to support their feelings on the matter.

As a side note, it makes the situation even worse that the mother of the baby is an old ex. That makes it far more likely that there are residual feelings on either side that will make this situation far more emotionally fraught and uncomfortable for you. There may even be a question of rekindling and you will feel paranoid and pushed out, that is clearly already happening with his family.

Not to be cynical, because this is just the nature of most long term relationships, but in a few years, if you're still together, the honeymoon period will be over and you won't feel so very head over heels anymore. The problems will still be there, and you will have spent years centring your life around them. The head over heels thing is a brief thing in the first year or so of a relationship, but you won't feel that way forever and I honestly think you won't think this relationship is worth the sacrifices involved after that, but your 30s will be gone.

Evelefteden · 16/07/2020 12:45

OP he has too many women in his life.

Find some one that will only have you

Fred578 · 16/07/2020 12:49

Run... run for the hills

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