Any advise would be very helpful!

[Danimuso87]

I’ve been with my bf now for some time and early on in the relationship he dropped a bomb shell that he was was expecting a child from a one off hook up with an ex. He already had a daughter from a previous relationship which I was totally fine with, the hook up pregnancy was an accident and the mum to be wanted to keep the baby. Initially I had to think long and hard about the situation but I stayed as he isn’t a bad person and it was genuinely a mistake. He had no intention of being with the mum of the second child. Since the baby has been born during lockdown I’ve found it extremely hard to deal with, more so than I thought. Lockdown of course didn’t help as he also wasn’t able to see his son. However, the mum spends a lot of time with his family arranging walks out, lunch at his parents house every week etc. She has recently grown close with his sister and it’s made me feel extremely outcast. I’ve built an amazing relationship with his little girl but I’m yet to meet his new son. I just feel so uneasy about the whole thing. It feels like the mum is purposely going out of her way to get her foot in the door with his family as much as possible. I would never stop him from seeing his son but I’m beginning to not enjoy him spending so much time with the mum too, I wish he would just be allowed to have him on his own for a day so my bf can spend time with his son and his family. Not his son, family and the mother of the child, whilst I’m sat at home twiddling my thumbs. I’ve mentioned my concerns to my bf and he understands but I think if I keep pushing it he’ll soon be annoyed that I’m finding it so hard. Am I being selfish? I can’t tell... It’s just all been a bit harder to swallow than I initially thought or anticipated I think... any advice would be gratefully received!

As a long time step mum - leave. This won't ever get any better and to be honest he doesn't sound anything like a catch. You can hardly know him after 8 months, most of which was in lockdown. Id Be very wary of this "falling in love" quickly business. When there are children involved you can't afford to get swept away in your feelings. Being a stepmum is the hardest thing I've ever done and you have to be prepared to put yourself last behind your other half relationship with his child at times. This one's got two, with two exes. This man doesnt sound worth putting yourself through it for. Maybe I'm just judging him unfairly for spreading his wild oats around. If you have a baby with him, that's three children by three women, all with complicated relationships between them all. Just find someone else. It'll hurt in the short term but nowhere near as much as it could end up hurting in the long term, especially if you also end up getting pregnant.

as his partner you should be involved in those visits too, if you want to be

Sod the baby's mother then? She doesn't get a say in who enters her home and handles her baby?

Sorry, whilst I would normally say it's fine to expect a new partner to be involved, whilst you are at the stage of home visits with a new born, you don't get to insist you are included. Nor does he get to insist who walks through someone else's front door.

The two children are a huge responsibility (including financially) and there are likely to be times he can’t do his bit with both at once so will need to spend a lot of time helping with each. They are tiny so this is just the beginning of years of being low on his list of priorities.

For me, the dealbreaker would be two exes. One can be horrific enough if they are into power trips, controlling demands, financial and emotional blackmail. With two, you could end with very little say in life choices, both large and small.

You say you fell head over heals.. from his track record he is.excellent at wooing and getting them prrgnant.. but not.much of a stayer or long term relations is he? Sounds like he love bombs and gets carried away 'in the moment'..he isn't worth it.

8 months into a relationship shouldn't be this hard. Walk away now.

It sounds a very complicated situation which will only get worse as the DC get older. Imagine trying to organise who goes where and when over Christmas or during school holidays. There will be 3 households to consider on every occasion!

Another voice adding to the chorus. You are only eight months in, you could expect still to be in the honeymoon period and here you are already having to accept third position in his priority list.

And, let's face it, that is not ever going to change.

Now, when you are dazzled by his love for you, it's easy to think that you can live with that even that he is worth it. After ten, twenty, forty years of being third, even when you have stuff going on that needs his support, you may feel very differently always having others gone ahead of you.

He might have a good line in explanations about his involvement with these women. Have you heard from the latest woman's own lips that it was just a one off kind of thing. If you are never involved, how can you be sure.

Honestly, there is a better relationship out there for you. Don't be distracted by his drama ridden life, find someone who will put you and potentially your own kids) top of their priority list where you deserve to be.

It sounds like a shit show id get out now.

Get out. I can tell you now that you have a broad spectrum of posters replying to you. We’re unanimous on this.

I agree with everyone else...a man with 2 kids...2 ....mothers...one being an ex ONS getting in close with his family just isn't worth the hassle IMO.

If you're thinking about a long-term relationship which you probably can't know after 8 months...he already has income going to 2 kids.

His family are probably so excited about the baby and will strive to stay close to the mum... so this will be your life. You've said she getting closer to his sister while you're at home like the outsider...I can't see that changing anytime soon.

Why did you settle for this when he told you one month into the relationship

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

As a long time step mum - leave. This won't ever get any better and to be honest he doesn't sound anything like a catch. You can hardly know him after 8 months, most of which was in lockdown. Id Be very wary of this "falling in love" quickly business. When there are children involved you can't afford to get swept away in your feelings. Being a stepmum is the hardest thing I've ever done and you have to be prepared to put yourself last behind your other half relationship with his child at times. This one's got two, with two exes. This man doesnt sound worth putting yourself through it for. Maybe I'm just judging him unfairly for spreading his wild oats around. If you have a baby with him, that's three children by three women, all with complicated relationships between them all. Just find someone else. It'll hurt in the short term but nowhere near as much as it could end up hurting in the long term, especially if you also end up getting pregnant.

Thid

Sorry OP - I'm with the rest here - cut your losses and find a simpler relationship. Or find yourself mother of this chaps 3rd child, with him as an absentee dad.