Issues with partners ex - father of her kids.

[PdLm]

So the brief story is . Partner has two kids , her ex contributes nothing financially or with childcare.
Every 12 weeks he would have one over night on his terms when he clicked his fingers combined with messaging my partner randomly asking if they were ok or for when he needed a favour.

As things progressed I told my partner I don’t feel comfortable with this and I want her to claim child maintenance off him and force him to share child care . She refused .

I have since moved in and I am going to split bills etc whilst he pays nothing and has to be forced into the odd weekend of child care .

I feel my partner could do better than simply accept this arrangement am I being unfair ?

She agrees because you’re making her feel like she has to. Do you think she wants to live like this? Youve already said he ex causes war when confronted, yet you’re still trying to bully her into confronting him. She can’t force her ex to have the kids more. But she’s still putting her kids first and trying her best to help them maintain a relationship with their father. That’s what good parents do. Unfortunately it looks like she’s swapped one arsehole for another

Oh, and don't make her (and her children) feel that they are an inconvenience that you have to put up with in order to have time with her that you can enjoy when they aren't there .

That puts her in the position of having to choose between you and her children and unless she's a shit mother, she'll choose them.

She can’t force him but she can challenge him and it will give us set routine and set free time which is good for everyone in the house

Move out. You don’t have a clue.

He will cause war which you are aware of, and so you can have a bit of free time you expect her to subject her children to this.

They are victims of him and the last thing they need is you.

Hopefully she realises quickly the massive mistake she has made and she bins you.

No it’s good for you and only you.

I can’t enjoy the free time because it comes in 24 Hours notice I.e when he clicks his fingers .

No, they’re not your business when it comes to childcare and financial arrangements between their actual parents. You are their mums boyfriend, your opinion on their set up is just that, an opinion

You have suggested haven't you? Many times you've 'suggested' by the sounds of it.

She has rejected your suggestion and she is entitled to do that.

She doesn't actually have to obey you.

Your choice is accept this is the setup and don't resent the children or make them feel a burden
Or
Move out.

That is your decision to make. Nothing else.

I subject her children to nothing but a good role model . I stand up for what’s right it’s something I’d teach them both to do or be a victim all your life letting people abuse you .

Even though I am second in the world who spends time with them and spends massive periods of time in full responsibility of them ? I be quiet ?

Tell us all the reasons why it’s in the interests of the children to become pawns in a war?

Cos all I see is it’s you getting some cash in your pocket and loads of time away from her children.

It
Is
Not
Your
Decision
And
Constantly
Trying
To
Make
Her
Do
As
You
Say
Is
Bullying
And
Wrong.

If
You
Don't
Like
Her
Decision
Then
Move
Out.

It won’t give you a set routine! Why do you think all she has to do is ask nicely and he’ll completely change his ways? You’re deluded. She knows him better than you, knows she’ll get nowhere with confronting or ‘challenging’ him. You don’t get to get yourself involved in their family dynamics just because you’re their mums new boyfriend

So I can’t suggest she does something regarding this set up anymore ?

Of course you can suggest. And that’s what you’ve done- you suggested it, she decided she didn’t want to do it- so it’s over. You don’t keep on needling her about it. Are you 3? “Pleeease mummy, pleeease can I have the sweeties. Pleeeeaaaase! Mummy pleeeeasse!”

What about the children's grandparents? Are they around? Could they provide some childcare whilst you go out?

Me and my partner have a daughter and if we want to go out, we arrange childcare.

I would never force my child on somebody who clearly can't be arsed so I can go for a drink or whatever. It just wouldn't sit right with me, he's obviously a shit dad who can't be arsed and it's not surprising she isn't comfortable sending her children.

Yes, he's their father and he should want to spend time with them but he doesn't. Forcing that is only going to upset the children and be damaging for them in the long term.

You met and moved in with a single mum of kids, they come as a package. You could all go and spend quality time together as a family, or put them to bed and crack open a bottle of wine.

Life changes when you have kids and their mum has had years to adjust to being a parent, you've been thrown in at the deep end but if you're not ready to be a part of these children's lives then you should step away otherwise it could lead to hurt all round.

She's told you that her ex will start a war. She doesn't want her children to be in the middle of a war. What about that do you not understand?!

AYES. YOU BE QUIET. YOU ARE THEIR MUMS BOYFRIEND. NOT THEIR PARENT. ARE YOU FUCKING THICK??!!

So, you want to pack your partner's children off to their father, who couldn't give a shiny shut about them, so you can get more free time together, but your partner doesn't want to do that? You don't get to make the decisions on this. If you don't want to pay for the children, don't. You should probably reconsider the whole relationship.

Yes because that’s the realities of children. Things change at the click of the fingers.

And how hard is it to wake up with the children not there and enjoy your day? First time I had it happen I spent an enjoyable day in bed alone. 🤣

She can’t force him but she can challenge him

But she told you she doesn’t want to. What part are you not understanding?

Your not going to get what you want out this situation so I'd cut your losses and leave.
There's plenty of threads on here about deadbeats who won't and don't pay and won't have their kids. Read them.
You can't get blood out of a stone. My kids Ada is the exact same and any man who came into my life demanded that i start a stressful fight to get him to do what he should be happy to do would be shown the door.
I'm assuming your partner drives the miles to drop the kids off when he choses for the kids benefit. Because she has already discovered this is the easiest way for a calm life albeit massively unfair.
Why don't you feel more empathy for the children that their deadbeat loser dad doesn't want to see them or pay for them instead of trying to ship them off for some free time?
I get what you are saying about standing up for yourself and not getting walked over etc but it really doesn't work like that.

@PdLm

So I can’t suggest she does something regarding this set up anymore ? The kids aren’t any of my business even though I live with them , mind them and take care of them ?

You have the option of not minding, taking care and livinf with them.

Your choices are leaving the situation or accepting the situation. Its as simple as that.

Stop forcing your partner into situations she is clearly not comfortable with.

Even though I am second in the world who spends time with them and spends massive periods of time in full responsibility of them ? I be quiet ?

Yes. That’s step parenting.

set free time which is good for everyone in the house

Perhaps not for the children. Sounds like you just want rid of them to be honest. What if he wasn't in the picture at all, who would look after the children then.
I can't say I think much of someone who wants to force children to spend time with a parent that doesn't really want them.

I don’t think anyone is disagreeing that he’s a deadbeat dad - however you knew all this yet still chose to move in.
That’s what people are saying.
She can’t force him to have the children and between you and him I can imagine she may be feeling pretty warn down and caught between you both.
Just try loving and supporting her, and creating a great life together!
If you love her children as much as you love her then surely you’ve won 🤷🏽‍♀️