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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Issues with partners ex - father of her kids.

125 replies

PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:10

So the brief story is . Partner has two kids , her ex contributes nothing financially or with childcare.
Every 12 weeks he would have one over night on his terms when he clicked his fingers combined with messaging my partner randomly asking if they were ok or for when he needed a favour.

As things progressed I told my partner I don’t feel comfortable with this and I want her to claim child maintenance off him and force him to share child care . She refused .

I have since moved in and I am going to split bills etc whilst he pays nothing and has to be forced into the odd weekend of child care .

I feel my partner could do better than simply accept this arrangement am I being unfair ?

OP posts:
ellsom · 29/06/2020 16:47

I can see how you feel, but she was providing for them before she met you and will continue to do so after you, if you want to be part of her life you will have to accept that she is playing mum and dad like so many woman have to do but she's not asking you to feed her kids.

A lot of men promise woman the world get them pregnant and then swan of leaving them to pay the lot, while the attitude of men who didn't father that child is why should I pay for your kids, if you can't afford them keep your legs closed.

It's pretty rotten that she's left doing it on her own and now she's met someone who hopefully treats her better than the deadbeat dad she has as an ex.
Nobody is asking you to pay what he doesn't but he isn't prepared to and she's paying instead, in an ideal world he'd step up but she's in this situation regardless of how anyone feels.

I agree he should pay but this is what a lot of men do unfortunately and woman just have to get on with it.

I also understand why she wouldn't want her children to be with someone who can't be bothered with them.

Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:48

Thank you for your reply and yes he is a dead beat you’re the first person to condemn him and not me!

Her reason is if he’s challenged on anything his defence mechanism is to lash out and cause war .

People are saying it is none of my business but i literally am a guardian minding his children often who I want to influence and bring up properly and it is a hard task so I feel she could show me that we are strong stand up to him and get some money and child care off him so we could have quality time.

Also to those telling me I knew this when I got involved , yes I did know he had his kids little so the little he does be it two days out of 28 could she not ask him that the two days he at the end of the month weekend or something so we could enjoy some life instead of whenever suit him which usually is when his football team aren’t playing .

OP posts:
Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:50

So why when he clicks his fingers does she drive miles and back and let him have his kids why not ask him for it to be a suitable time for us so we can go and do something together ?

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 29/06/2020 16:52

could she not ask him that the two days he at the end of the month weekend or something so we could enjoy some life instead of whenever suit him which usually is when his football team aren’t playing .

She could. But she doesn’t want to because “his defence mechanism is to lash out and cause war”. She’s protecting herself and her DC from that. You are disregarding her experience of him because of your ego and you want her to make a show of loyalty to you. You need to get over yourself.

Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:53

You’ve got to stand up for yourself at some point in your life or be walked all over .

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 29/06/2020 16:53

So why when he clicks his fingers does she drive miles and back and let him have his kids why not ask him for it to be a suitable time for us so we can go and do something together ?

She.doesnt.want.to

How else do you need it explained to you?

This is what she is offering you. If it’s unacceptable to you then don’t accept it. There are lots of other women.

ellsom · 29/06/2020 16:54

Because he can and he gets away with it.
He's got it easy so why would he change?

Smallsteps88 · 29/06/2020 16:55

You’ve got to stand up for yourself at some point in your life or be walked all over

And she is standing up to you. You just don’t like it.

Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:57

No she says she doesn’t want to make him pay maintenance but she will make him have the kids on set days four a month then never does . If that’s standing up to somebody then ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:57

Exactly my point .

OP posts:
Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:58

She keeps saying she will stand up and tell him he has to setup up his child care then never does . So if she doesn’t want to why tell me she wants it to be different ?

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 29/06/2020 16:58

You knew he was not contributing or involved in their welfare before you moved in. Whether it is fair or not, she is choosing to accept it as it is and it is her choice to make. If she wasn't happy with the situation and wanted you to support her trying to change things that would be fair enough. However, she doesn't want to change things so either accept it or move back out.

You are not her boss so stop acting like you are and frankly there are undertones of you making this an ego-driven battle between you and him, but a battle you expect her to fight.

For info, I have been where you are. I have raised my step-children as the primary earner from the ages of 5 and 7 with not a single penny contributed by their disinterested father.

lunar1 · 29/06/2020 17:00

She's protecting herself and her children from a deadbeat who will cause war. Sadly she moved a bully into her children's home, I hope she sees you for what you are and sends you on your way.

Get a babysitter if you want a night out.

Smallsteps88 · 29/06/2020 17:02

So if she doesn’t want to why tell me she wants it to be different ?

Because you’re bullying pressuring her so she’s saying what she needs to say to get you to leave her alone.

BluebellForest836 · 29/06/2020 17:03

I don’t think your unreasonable in the slightest.

But... if she won’t do it then your options are to accept it or find someone else.

I wouldn’t be happy with my partner dropping everything and running the kids around for an ex when he does jack shit 26 other days of the month.

Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 17:03

I agree she just says it. She asks ‘pressure’s me into changing circumstances in our relationship and sacrifice things I’ve complied , I’m just asking for the same for the good of everyone involved .

OP posts:
Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 17:04

Ha ha ha exactly !

OP posts:
ScottishStottie · 29/06/2020 17:04

Maybe she likes spending all her time with her children? I imagine that she doesnt want to force them on her ex at times he doesnt want them because that would be miserable.and damaging for the children.

At least if they are going to him at the rare times hes keen to have them, its more likely going to be a happy time.

I dont understand why you progressed tbe relationship despite your partner drawing clear lines, but still expected things to change

Itsjustabitofbanter · 29/06/2020 17:04

Are you fucking serious? You’ve moved in with a single mum, and now decided you want to force their deadbeat dad to have them more so you can have their mum without them? You need to grow up, that or move out. Her childcare and child maintenance arrangements have got literally fuck all to do with you. You knew the set up before you moved in. Stop dicking around with this already broken family

Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 17:06

No I want him to if he’s going to have child care then let it be in our terms so we can get some quality times not on his terms .

OP posts:
Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 17:07

Because she keeps saying she will confront him over child care mate.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 29/06/2020 17:08

Look, you must know now that she will not go down the child maintenance route unless you bully her into it which would be totally wrong of you. He is a crappy father and you can't control that either.
If you resent paying towards her children then move out. Where you live is the only decision that is yours to make. Don't get me wrong, I agree with you that he's a deadbeat dad but you can't do anything about that and you have to stop haranguing your partner about it. She's made her decision for whatever reason. Either you can make your peace with that or you can't.

Smallsteps88 · 29/06/2020 17:09

I agree she just says it.

So you admit you know she doesn’t want to. So let it go. Accept it. Stop forcing her to do something you know she doesn’t want to do.

BluebellForest836 · 29/06/2020 17:09

@Itsjustabitofbanter - he’s asked for the deadbeat dad to have them a set weekend instead of when he clicks his fingers so they can plan some time together and go out instead of it being last minute.

It’s got plenty to do with him since she wanted him to move in Confused

Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 17:10

So I can’t suggest she does something regarding this set up anymore ? The kids aren’t any of my business even though I live with them , mind them and take care of them ?

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