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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Issues with partners ex - father of her kids.

125 replies

PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:10

So the brief story is . Partner has two kids , her ex contributes nothing financially or with childcare.
Every 12 weeks he would have one over night on his terms when he clicked his fingers combined with messaging my partner randomly asking if they were ok or for when he needed a favour.

As things progressed I told my partner I don’t feel comfortable with this and I want her to claim child maintenance off him and force him to share child care . She refused .

I have since moved in and I am going to split bills etc whilst he pays nothing and has to be forced into the odd weekend of child care .

I feel my partner could do better than simply accept this arrangement am I being unfair ?

OP posts:
theproblemwitheyes · 29/06/2020 16:13

It's up to her how she handles it. If she doesn't want to force him to pay CMS then she won't - it's none of your business.

If you're not happy paying for her and her children, then don't move in together. But the CMS has nothing to do with you.

lunar1 · 29/06/2020 16:15

Nobody can force him to spend more time with his children, not even the courts. Why doesn't she want to claim child maintenance?

I understand your issues over the maintenance, but I would question how much pressure you are putting her under. She was clear she didn't want to do these things before you moved her in, did you think you could pressure her to change?

Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:16

Considering it would massively improve everyone’s life in the home I live in you could see why I might have an interest.

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 29/06/2020 16:17

I told my partner I don’t feel comfortable with this and I want her to claim child maintenance off him and force him to share child care . She refused .

She told you where she stood on the matter. It’s her choice what she claims off her ex and how she deals with him. Not yours. She made that clear to you.

I have since moved in and I am going to split bills etc whilst he pays nothing and has to be forced into the odd weekend of child care

So when you moved in you moved in knowing the lay of the land. You knew her position on the matter. Do you moved in accepting that’s how it would be. You don’t get to whinge and resent paying for bills etc when you knew the score.

I feel my partner could do better than simply accept this arrangement am I being unfair ?

Yes because you don’t want this for her. You want it for you. Because you resent paying for her children when their father won’t.

Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:17

I thought she genuinely wouldn’t expect another man to put food on the table for her kids while their biological father doesn’t un challenged.

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 29/06/2020 16:20

@PdLm

I thought she genuinely wouldn’t expect another man to put food on the table for her kids while their biological father doesn’t un challenged.
Did she expect that? Did she push for you to move in? And feed her children?
QuentinWinters · 29/06/2020 16:20

I thought she genuinely wouldn’t expect another man to put food on the table for her kids while their biological father doesn’t un challenged.
Omg you are a piece of work. You should pay your way. You discussed this before you moved in.
It's up to your partner and none of your business. You aren't putting food on her kids table. You are paying your share of the bills, as agreed.

Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:21

She always wanted me to move in. I accepted he won’t pay anything under duress now I would like her to arrange set days for him to have his kids so we can have some free time instead of letting him do as he wants uh challenged I think this is fair .

OP posts:
Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:23

I think everyone should pay their way , there’s three adults involved with two kids , two adults pay everything one pays nothings and spends all his money in the pub instead of his kids .

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 29/06/2020 16:23

Ahhh the joys of being a step parent. You need to work out if you're up to the job on the terms and conditions you find yourself in. If not walk away now as clearly the resentment is brewing already.
I'm annoyed at the moment as my DSD has been here for the past 2 months without any say in it and it's my house! Even worse is that her father/my husband has lost his job so I'm paying for everything and her mother hasn't even offered to give us the child benefit.
Being a step parent is very challenging and sometimes it's just not worth it.

lunar1 · 29/06/2020 16:25

No, it isn't fair. You moved in knowing she didn't have child free time. Nobody would force me to send my children to someone who didn't want them. You decided to get your feet under the table and make unreasonable demands.

Smallsteps88 · 29/06/2020 16:25

now I would like her to arrange set days for him to have his kids so we can have some free time instead of letting him do as he wants uh challenged I think this is fair .

No, it isn’t fair. You don’t get to decide how much other people parent their children. You are making demands. You don’t come across well at all tbh.

there’s three adults involved with two kids , two adults pay everything one pays nothings and spends all his money in the pub instead of his kids

That’s what you agreed to when you moved in. If you don’t agree to it you shouldn’t have moved in & You can move back out.

Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:29

How is asking a father to pay and mind his kids unreasonable ?

OP posts:
maybemu · 29/06/2020 16:29

Walk away if you are not happy because I can tell you what would happen if she tried, she would get a massive fight off him to get any money, maybe even try and hide earnings or quit his job in order not to pay. She probably can't be doing with the fight. If he took the children how could she know they are being looked after? I wouldn't leave my kid with someone who didn't want to have them. Doesn't sound like you are putting the children first and if that is the case your not cut out for step parent life because it is hard work!

Original poster
PdLm · 29/06/2020 16:31

She is happy for him to have his kids on his terms but she won’t ask him for set days so we can plan anything that is the frustrating bit.
He usually texts on a Friday every six weeks randomly and she delivers them and picks them up at his convenience .

OP posts:
AllsortsofAwkward · 29/06/2020 16:33

Tbh it doesnt sound like you're up to dating a mother with kids. Majority of mothers tend to have the majority of care when it comes to dc. You either accept her dc come as a package or leave. My own dh is step dad to my ds and his presence has never been an issue.

theproblemwitheyes · 29/06/2020 16:34

How is asking a father to pay and mind his kids unreasonable ?

It's not unreasonable, but your partner doesn't want to. She's probably got very good reasons, such as "he's a shit father who spends all his money in the pub and i don't want him near my children" and "if i apply for CMS he'll barrage me with abuse and then wriggle out of paying and I'll end up stressed and miserable with no extra cash" or simply "my life is better with minimal contact with him and this is a trade-off I'm willing to make"

It is none of your business! If you're not happy with your living situation then you need to change it!

canigooutyet · 29/06/2020 16:35

You knew the set up before you moved in.

She can ask him as much as she wants, but she cannot force them on him.

Csa isn’t easy.

She knows the guy. She knows wether he will do what many deadbeats do - quit the job or falsify accounts - if she put in a claim.

You telling her to do this, that and the other isn’t the way. Although I’m amazed she let you move in tbh.

Clearly you have grievances and I suggest you don’t move in. The children don’t need it. The animosity will be obvious to them and it will be very clear should you two decide to have children.

theproblemwitheyes · 29/06/2020 16:35

Have you considered that maybe she doesnt want to set regular days because she's very happy having her kids all the time and doesn't want to regularly be without them?

lunar1 · 29/06/2020 16:36

You need to move out.

Smallsteps88 · 29/06/2020 16:38

How is asking a father to pay and mind his kids unreasonable ?

It’s not. But that’s not what you’re doing. What your doing is forcing your partner- a person you purport to like- to do something they’re not comfortable with.

canigooutyet · 29/06/2020 16:38

Have you also considered that it’s this way just to try and retain some contact between dad and the children?

And have you also considered the day when he stops seeing them?

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/06/2020 16:40

You can’t move in and then put conditions in place retrospectively. You’re not her boss. If you don’t want to contribute to the cost of her children then don’t live together. You can carry on dating but live apart. She’s clearly not going to be able to make him have them, it’s clear how he operates and she’s obviously okay with that.

You don’t say why she won’t claim maintenance but you knew she didn’t so it’s not up to you to try and bully her into doing so.

Again, if you don’t want to be paying towards them then don’t live together. If you want a partner who has childfree time pick one who doesn’t have children or who has a set arrangement with their other parent. Even then the other parent can move, get ill, die, and there’s a chance they’ll be with you 24/7

No one is forced to be a step parent. It doesn’t suit a lot of people. That’s fine. But be honest, know your limitations and choose girlfriends accordingly.

You’re being childish, demanding and unfair.

BluebellForest836 · 29/06/2020 16:41

What’s her reason for not asking the ex?

To be honest if he hasn’t bothered with his kids and doesn’t pay then he isn’t going to do it just because she’s asked 🤷🏼‍♀️

If he wanted to see his kids every week or every other week then he would of had that arrangement ages ago. Same with paying towards them.

He’s a deadbeat. You need to decide if you can live with that.

canigooutyet · 29/06/2020 16:43

Oh and if she did manage to get csa it wouldn’t be live changing. You would be surprised that many pay as little as a couple of quid a week. And if he suddenly turned into mr responsible and had them overnight for x amount of nights, it would be reduced. And if he turned into dad of the year and shared 50/50 there would be nothing.

If you was expecting a gravy train, you’re on the wrong one. 🤣