Issues with partners ex - father of her kids.

[PdLm]

So the brief story is . Partner has two kids , her ex contributes nothing financially or with childcare.
Every 12 weeks he would have one over night on his terms when he clicked his fingers combined with messaging my partner randomly asking if they were ok or for when he needed a favour.

As things progressed I told my partner I don’t feel comfortable with this and I want her to claim child maintenance off him and force him to share child care . She refused .

I have since moved in and I am going to split bills etc whilst he pays nothing and has to be forced into the odd weekend of child care .

I feel my partner could do better than simply accept this arrangement am I being unfair ?

@PdLm

So I can’t suggest she does something regarding this set up anymore ? The kids aren’t any of my business even though I live with them , mind them and take care of them ?

You have suggested it though and it sounds like she isn’t agreeing. There are only so many times you can suggest it.

As for paying for his children. I agree that he should. I also agree he should have his children part/half of the time and look after them properly but even the courts can’t force this so I think you need to either accept he has sporadic access or else he doesn’t see them at all (because by pushing him that might be the end result).

I think you need to look at whether accepting things as they are is something you are happy to continue with. If not, then I don’t think this is the relationship for you.

In the eyes of the law you are not their guardian. Your just some bloke who is seeing their mum. If you want to be involved in their parenting take legal steps to do so.

Until then like it or not, they have two legal parents. She can rightfully tell you to go fuck yourself.

Why can’t you arrange a babysitter if you want quality time with your partner?

OP you won’t get anyone see it from your point of view on here.
I actually agree with you that she could at least ask instead of being a wet lettuce and running around when he says jump but she’s clearly not that kind of person.

I’d personally stop posting and cut your losses with your GF. She won’t stand up to her ex.

You are not unreasonable to think he should be paying maintenance, or to not want to contribute towards them yourself, or to want free time. But you are unreasonable to expect her to change those things now, after moving in, without discussing them first. You should really have backed off at the point she made her arrangement clear. It's also not as simple as just "making" the other parent share care, they can't be forced and if they could, it may not be in the kids best interest to make them stay with someone who doesn't want them there.

I do agree with you that I wouldn't be willing to cover more than my share of household bills, to cover for my partner not being able to afford hers and her kids due to choosing not to claim maintenance. But unless that is the scenario, does it make any difference to you how she affords her share of the bills?

I do sympathise to a degree as I certainly wouldn't be happy in your position and I would not be in a relationship where I never got any quality time alone with my partner, but you can't force her to do any of the things you want her to do or share your priorities, and you will spend your life either bitter or essentially bullying her into your way of thinking for the rest of your time together.

I quite agree that non resident parents should both see and financially support their children. Your partner has decided that she does not want the stress of making him do either. It’s a pity she feels this way but it’s her choice and you must accept it or finish the relationship. Sorry.

My eldests biological father is a deadbeat waste of space. I've never had anything from him and my son has never met him. I met my dp when D's was 3, if he had started trying to force my to send my DS to see him, or try and fight him about maintenance I would have shown him the door. Luckily my dp wasn't as selfish and wouldn't have wanted to force my DS on anyone who didn't want him, and never grudged paying half of anything.

It’s obvious why paid care isn’t an option, it would involve him spending even more.

Until he moved in she probably didn’t need maintenance. Same with with she was getting any extra support from housing benefit etc. It’s costing him more than he thought.

Wouldn’t be surprised if his next wonderful suggestion is it makes sense for her to be a sahm.

You want her to stand up for herself but not when she’s standing up to you. Translation: you just want her to do as you tell her.

What is this quality time posters keep speaking of?

Quality time post-kids is like rocking horse shit.

Part and parcel of being a parent, if you wouldn't/don't like it; don't have kids/don't agree to be in a relationship with somebody who has kids.

You give off really bad vibes OP. I think you'd do everyone a favour by leaving.

But she's not making a decision is she? She's reacting to her ex with no thought for the person she lives with OR her kids! Putting the adults aside this ad hoc routine must be quite hard on the kids.
Op - you have two issues here.

1. The df doesn't pay maintenance & your partner won't ask. In this I think you just have to respect her decision. As pp's have said no one can make him pay up. You either respect this and accept it (hard as it may be) or you bow out.
2. Df doesn't take the kids routinely. This you don't have to accept - imo anyway - or at least you are right to ask your partner if she will work on this for the sake of the household. Your partner is obviously happy for them to go to their dads otherwise she would not oblige him. So, assuming there's no wellbeing issues and she's happy to send them I think she needs to call his bluff. Either he respects a set routine (even if it's only once a month or every 6 weeks) for everyone's sake especially the kids' or she ceases to oblige him. If she doesn't want to do this & is happy running around after her ex (which is what she's doing) then again, I would leave if you can't deal with this.

I don't understand why you would move in on the terms you did.

Of course he should support the children but he has no intention of doing so and you still move in. You're being played for a sucker.

Why did you move in knowing that it would be like this?

I bet you never shut up about this either. I feel sorry for her. Useless man won't provide for her kids, another one moves in and resents the hell out of it. She's clearly scared of him and how he will react, why don't you support her instead of adding to her load by whinging about he shit he is (she knows!) and what she should be doing better. Move out for all your sakes.

What you're missing OP is that by pushing this you're just another man putting his expectations on your partner, who is probably exhausted. You're another person making demands, expecting his needs and wants to come first, expecting her and her kids to work around what you think is reasonable and right. It's selfish.

You could support her in increasing her earning potential and arranging childcare for some quality time together. Both would solve the problems you are having without putting her and her DC at risk of her ex lashing out.

If someone moved into my home and told me I had to start working with the nrp or else. Fine pack up your shit and get out of my house.

All we know of dad his he’s volatile. We don’t know it what way other than war. Perhaps this is her protecting them because if she doesn’t do this he takes her to court and they are exposed to him more.

You're missing the biggest point here. All she can do is ASK him to spend more time with this kids. She can set a routine. She can say what days he can have the kids. But he doesn't have to agree. He doesn't have to stick to it. If he says no, that's it. If he says "I'm happy with the set up we have now" there is nothing she can do.
Even a court cannot force someone to see their kids more often, or within a set routine, if they don't want to.

She will have made her choices with her children's best interest in mind, you seem to be making yours with your interests in mind.

If he's a deadbeat dad the children will remember that and that you were there when he wasn't.

You're on a hiding to nothing can't see this working long term I'd quit now TBH.

She seems to be prioritising maintaining a relationship between the children and their dad over creating waves for you convenience. I'd be in completely the same camp, it's not about him or you, it's about the kids. If there's no barriers in place by her they can't turn around later and say she prevented a relationship with him. She's keeping herself as clean as she can for their sake. Nobody wants to drop everything to taco their kids around at their ex's convenience.

Your partner seems to have a type.

She can ask all you like, the fact that she receives no maintenance and does the driving to take them to see their dad tells me this is as good as it gets.

Her pushing it with him will make it worse for the children and her. Do you care about that fact as you've ignored multiple posters telling you this?

@PdLm

So why when he clicks his fingers does she drive miles and back and let him have his kids why not ask him for it to be a suitable time for us so we can go and do something together ?

Because she's trying to maintain some level of relationship between her children and him.

You're incredibly arrogant. You think that you can change the status quo, when she's clearly got her reasons! I call this bullying and manipulating. Not something I'd want to be called..
Yes he should pay. But that's her choice to pursue or not.
If you don't wish to pay for her children, then you should have not moved in. She'd have no doubt have been better off beforehand.
You don't sound like a great partner. You certainly don't sound like you're cut out for step parenting given how your solenfocus is money and time alone. Both of these issues were clearly laid on the table at the outset. Noone has changed those, except you and your pushing your partner. Your posts make me feel like there's infernal moaning and whinging about this. A surefire way for her to reconsider her relationship with you I'd suspect if you don't review your take on this.

Sorry.
I'd kick you out if you kept insisting I send my children to someone who clearly doesn't want them there because you want alone time with Mum.

You aren't being a good role model in bullying her to do what you want. Yes their Dad is a deadbeat. You can be a role model without coming in and saying things have to be your way. My stepdad never once insisted we be sent somewhere we weren't wanted because he wanted us out of the way. He showed me what a good dad looks like in the way he raised and treat us. He didn't need to force my shit Dad to step up, my step dad stood up.

I'm gonna be honest. You sound like you resent the time and money you have to spend with your stepchildren and I'm getting undertones you're cheesed off that you aren't the one in control here. You're also sounding jealous because to you she's prioritising her ex over you? When she's actually putting her children's well-being first, she knows her ex better than you and how he's likely to react and the impact that reaction will have on her children.

If you knew the financial and physical access arrangements and couldn't accept them then you shouldn't have moved in instead of continuing to insist she does what you want.

I hope the kids aren't hearing you talk about them like this .