Issues with partners ex - father of her kids.

[PdLm]

So the brief story is . Partner has two kids , her ex contributes nothing financially or with childcare.
Every 12 weeks he would have one over night on his terms when he clicked his fingers combined with messaging my partner randomly asking if they were ok or for when he needed a favour.

As things progressed I told my partner I don’t feel comfortable with this and I want her to claim child maintenance off him and force him to share child care . She refused .

I have since moved in and I am going to split bills etc whilst he pays nothing and has to be forced into the odd weekend of child care .

I feel my partner could do better than simply accept this arrangement am I being unfair ?

Every 12 weeks he would have one over night on his terms when he clicked his fingers combined with messaging my partner randomly asking if they were

Or

He usually texts on a Friday every six weeks randomly and she delivers them and picks them up at his convenience .

12 weeks or six? Looks like she's making progress?

has to be forced into the odd weekend of child care .

So she is pushing the issue?

move out. It's her children she can do what she wants with them. You are dating a mother who comes with stepchildren and it seems the pair of you (not sure if both of you work) are expected to fund them and look after them.

It doesn't sound like a relationship i would be interested in, and your right it doesn't sound fair but it's her decision and her children. You cant change that
I use the following quote in moments like this:
"grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference"

You cant change this accept it and ask yourself would you start a relationship knowing this. If not then get out of there quickly.

If his dad is a deadbeat who barely sees him, let’s him down and won’t pay maintenance then why try to push for more contact?

Does the little boy do nice things and have a good time when he does see him? If not, just leave the deadbeat to arrange it and do the travelling.

It sounds as if there may have been some sort of abuse involved between your GF and her ex for her to so keen not to rock the boat.

Or, if this is about money, you have your firm answer, and can decide whether to stay and drop it or leave.

I have spent 3 years chasing child support and consistent contact. I have had no joy In either. I also have no idea where ex lives. I can't force him to step up. I can't force him to pay. I can't force him to do anything and I sick of putting myself up for another fall.

Ex has avoided CMS and once deductions of earning were in place he went self employed. I have a court order in place for the first years money. And yet nothing has happened. The CMS have no teeth.

As for contact I wait to hear from him now as there are only so many times I can get the children ready and then have to handle the fall out when he is a no show.

I'm open to any suggestions you have got to make him step up.

Why did you move in with her? You should have been very clear that she pays for her children or you don't move in.

It's too much baggage....what's in this for you?

Out of interest How do you expect her to force him to spend more time with his kids? Even the courts can not force access on a parent!

I agree she just says it. She asks ‘pressure’s me into changing circumstances in our relationship and sacrifice things

Because you're a pushover and he isn't.

She might also be scared of him....but people treat you how you let them in life ...you let her pressure you into changing your plans.

She let's her Ex do what he does...and goes running when he clicks his fingers.

It's who you are and it's who she is.

You saw this before moving in...so you can't say things have changed.

You should consider separate finances..otherwise you'll be pretty resentful in the end.

I think you have to leave this to your partner. There may be more to it than you realise but in any case, as long as you live happily, why worry? Your partner may just be carrying on with those arrangements as she did before you moved in and it obviously suits her.

You need to work out if you are content being a stepfather, it's not for everyone. It certainly isn't very nice for the children to hear your views on their father, if they do hear it.

Honestly it's not your business and as long as you aren't out of pocket, just leave it.

The CMS is useless btw.

No, they’re not your business when it comes to childcare and financial arrangements between their actual parents. You are their mums boyfriend, your opinion on their set up is just that, an opinion

And this also means you have no obligation to financially support them..but I'm sure she expects that of you.

I don't know your ages...but I'll say what I would say to a woman in this position... why have you settled for this?

Why can't you find a woman without kids and a deadbeat dad? This is only going to put a strain on your relationship and what do you get in the end? Nothing... not even quality time.

It's lose lose for you.

In some ways it would be easier for you if there was no deadbeat "father" around then you could be the step dad and get the respect for doing a good job and raising the children but all the time there's 2 parents on the scene no matter how useless he is you're always be seen as stepping on his toes.

@AllsortsofAwkward

Tbh it doesnt sound like you're up to dating a mother with kids. Majority of mothers tend to have the majority of care when it comes to dc. You either accept her dc come as a package or leave. My own dh is step dad to my ds and his presence has never been an issue.

This. My DD very rarely sees her Dad now she's in her teens - she picks and chooses the odd weekend here and there. My DP has always accepted her as being part of the home and he loves her to bits and is amazing with her. It's been the situation from the moment he moved in with me and he accepts and embraces it. She'll always have a home with her mum. And we do still manage to get "us" time.

She should get rid of you. This comes across very strongly as though the kids are a challenge for your partner’s undivided attention. You’re a man child and shouldn’t have moved in with a pre-existing family that you are actively trying to dismantle.

It very much sound that like you are only tolerating, at a push her kids because you know that you won't be able to her without them.

This is recipe for disaster. You can't be expected to fall in love with them as you have with her, but barely tolerating them is just not enough.

They really do come as a package and if they are nothing more than extra weight in your heart and mind then do them all a favour and move on. You will only end up resenting her and despising her kids.

I'd forget trying to get maintenance - I know a few people who are owed thousands in CSA payments but their ex's never pay up and it just causes more grief than it's worth.

I completely agree that she should try and get her ex to have some semblance of routine over when he has the kids. However if he is a deadbeat Dad maybe she doesn't want him to have the kids more and only lets him have the kids when he asks so she can never be accused of stopping contact? Has he been asked to make a regular arrangement? If not, she could try asking but from the sounds of it it's very unlikely he'll agree to this.

Look at it this way - if he refuses to have the kids on a set routine and your partner then digs her heels in and refuses to take kids as and when he clicks his fingers unless he agrees to a routine the kids will probably wind up never going to their Dad and you will get no 'child free' time at all plus a pissed off ex causing all sorts of havoc claiming 'she wont let me see my kids' - my ex tried to play this game when I first met my DP - cancelling arrangements at short notice, being non committal about when he had the children - I was lucky in that I had people I could ask to baby sit so I wasn't reliant on my ex for childcare and he soon realised he was punishing himself.
If you want child free time you need to look at other options - are there family or friends who could babysit occasionally? Paid babysitter once a month?

You cant force her to confront her ex about this issue - yes you can suggest she asks but if she says no (and it sounds like she wouldn't because he may kick off) then the choice is do you live with it or walk away?

Why do you think she would want her children to be with someone who has to be coerced into doing it?

Right, this is harsh but what I think you need to hear:

I think you should stand in front of the mirror and repeat the following to yourself several times a day:

"The children come first. It's not about me."

See if it sinks in.

This isn't about what's best or right for you, for your girlfriend or for the children's father.

What's best for the children is having a calm, stable environment, their mother facilitating contact with their father and their father being happy to see them when he does. Would it be better for them if he saw them regularly and joyfully and paid towards their upkeep? Why yes, it would. Does that sound like a likely scenario without upsetting aforementioned calmness and stability? Why no, it doesn't.

Even if she could somehow magically force regular contact, I can't imagine she'd want to send her children off to someone who resented having them and therefore probably wouldn't care for them properly. The well-being of her children is more important than her having free time. When he is willing to have them, she drops everything because she wants her children to be able to take advantage of seeing their father when they can and their well-being is, again, more important than her free time. Is it fair? No. But it sounds like she is selflessly doing what she feels is right for her children.

Leave it alone. Your girlfriend is doing the best she can for her children based on the information she has, which - believe it or not - is likely to be a lot more than you.

Stop beating your chest and decide whether you can swallow your pride and sense of injustice for the sake of the children, which is what it sounds like your girlfriend is doing very well, god bless her.

If you can't and you stick around anyway, you're going to be patting yourself on the back for being a 'good role model' while actually making the situation worse for them. It would be better in that case if you just leave now before the resentment that's clearly simmering bubbles over.

If he already isn't bothered about seeing the children on anything other than his own terms then I think he's very unlikely to agree to a regular arrangement. Even a court can't force a father to see the kids. It'll just lead to a big blow up which your DP probably knows.

I think it's really really hard for anyone who isn't in this position to understand how incredibly terrifying it is to hand your precious little children over to someone you are scared of and who you know to be volatile. You will do literally anything to keep the peace and reduce chances of the children suffering from his temper (even if you are fairly sure he'd never actually hurt the children).

You also need to remember that she has probably been trained by him over a long period to feel fearful of his responses and therefore not challenge him. It took me a long time to get things to a point with my ex where things weren't all on his terms and it was a combination of DS getting older, Ex sorting himself out a bit and becoming a little less volatile and lots of patient talking from me about how much better it would be for DS to have a better visiting schedule. Ex still pays nothing (has his own business so it'd be a lot of stress for me with him very easily able to wriggle out of it).

Your relationship will only work if you can see the situation as you having the privilege of enjoying the children and see him as the loser who is missing out on all that. And assume zero childcare from him. Act like he doesn't exist but there's a random uncle who occasionally spends time with them! If you can't accept that, the resentment you feel will kill your relationship anyway and it'll be horrible for your DP to feel trapped between you and her fear of the ex and what she instinctively feels is best for her children.

The kids will grow up and realise who was there for them. My DS at age 7 saw a bill from the childminder and said "but Daddy should pay half of this!" even though I've never ever said anything about his Dad paying anything (he doesn't) to DS.

Do you love this woman?
Do you love her children?

Why don't you try to be a brilliant dad to them and quietly cut their deadbeat dad out of the picture?
It really doesn't sound as though the kids get that much out of their relationship with him since he sees them so sporadically.

They currently have a mum who adores them and wants a peaceful life for all of them, a crap biological father who really can't be arsed to make any effort to spend time with them and a man who lives with them who also has a simmering resentment about their constant presence and the lack of interest and responsibility of their father.

Can't see how this makes you feel loved and wanted.

You could be the brilliant dad who raises them to be fantastic people.
You could be the dad and role model that they really need and want.

Bollocks to the shit exH.

His actions are screaming way louder than any words that he doesn't give a shiny shit about his children. They will grow up always knowing this on some level and it's not a good feeling.

You could be the dad who covered them with love and security and gave them all the things (no, not just materially) their own father never did.
He will become an irrelevance in all of your lives.

To be with their mother means that you are also with them.
Either get on board with everything involved in being with them or walk away.

It is right that he pays and it is also right that he spends time with his children, regularly. But he obviously doesn’t want to and isn’t interested in doing so.

I imagine she’s has had this for a significant amount of time and has her reasons for not wanting to push it.

You knew before you moved in this was how it is and you have to just accept it. You can talk to her about it, you can tell her you don’t agree and aren’t particularly happy about it. But what you can’t do is force her to change it.

My partner has things with his ex I don’t agree with, he knows I don’t, and there are things we have almost split up over at times. But I can’t force him to change it. We either work through it, agree to disagree or I or he walks away. That’s just how it is. I imagine it’s the same with me and some of my decisions with my ex also.

In many ways I am your DP my DC's is a deadbeat has verbally and emotionally abused them, drops them when it suits him and pays a pittance.
My DP adores my DC and sees us as a package as someone who would have dearly loved children and with his first wife ( he's a widower) had multiple rounds of ivf can not understand why you would be a deadbeat Dad. It makes DP angry that Ex treats DC so poorly and pays a pittance, but he also accepts that I have lived with this far longer, I know how pushing Ex plays out and ultimately I live with the situation to protect my DC.

The only time DP made me stand up to Ex was when his messages broke over into Harassment and DP made me contact the police.
Whilst it can be great to have a regular contact schedule, if he fails to turn up or dumps them on someone else it is far more damaging for them than what you have now.
I love my DP, but I would walk over hot coals to protect my DC from harm.

I would like her to arrange set days for him to have his kids so we can have some free time instead of letting him do what he wants unchallenged. I think this is fair

I think it is fair BUT no-one can force him to have the kids when he doesn’t want to, so your partner can talk to her ex and try to arrange it but you knew the situation before you moved in so you have to be okay with it remaining as it is, you can’t reasonably move the goalposts now. Same with the child support.

Is there a reason your partner hasn’t chased these things with her ex? Does he get aggressive or otherwise difficult? Maybe she knows the child support won’t be much and isn’t worth the hassle.

if he is forced to pay maintenance he could well insist on seeing them more, just to be awkward and I suspect from what you have said that this is not what your partner wants, I wouldn't either by the sounds of him. like others have said, the child maintenance system is not easy, infact its an absolute nightmare!! when my step children came to live with us, the ex put in for maintenance even though they didn't live with her. it took 9 months of paying to prove that they were actually living with us, its not a system I would recommend anyone to use unless they are absolutely desperate!! if he was a good person he wouldn't need to be asked to contribute to his kids upbringing. You need to follow her lead and try and keep frustrations at bay.

No, they’re not your business when it comes to childcare and financial arrangements between their actual parents. You are their mums boyfriend, your opinion on their set up is just that, an opinion

And this also means you have no obligation to financially support them

Agree with this completely.

You can't force Dad to want to see his kids, you just can't. She can't, you can't, the courts can't. And I wouldn't want my kids being pushed off to be with a person who so clearly didn't want them around anyway. You knew this was the set up when you moved in. It's tough. You're with a woman who's kids barely see their dad, that was your decision, that wasn't going to miraculously change.

However, the money side of it I also feel for you on. If she is not chasing any sort of maintenance from their father but expecting you to foot the bill then I can see why that would be hard to take. Can you not split the bills so she pays slightly more for her kids? I personally have never done this with DH (I'm the step parent) as I just don't see the point of sectioning off our money like this but I know some people do and I don't judge, you shouldn't have to pay for her children if you don't want to. Just be prepared that she might not see you as very much of a team player 🤷

All your posts are about what you want, what is best for you. The mother has their best interests at heart. She knows her ex, she knows his limitations and to force the children on him is not in the kids best interest.

Why do you think your needs trump theirs?

If this had all suddenly come about after you moved in you might have a pint but you knew the situation and she's been clear on her stance. She has no way to get him to take dc more often and I'm sore she has personal reasons for not claiming. Perhaps he's self employed and she doesn't want to waste the start up fee and go through the stress knowing she won't get anything anyway. Yes he should be paying but you knew he wasn't and you moved in anyway!