Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

What can I even say to comfort her? She’s saying her mum doesn’t love/care about her. I reassure her that she does but I can’t make promises about when she’ll see her again

There’s nothing you can say to make it ok for her
All you can do is make her feel loved and cared for when she’s with you and make her feel like she is worthy of love. Please shower her in cuddles and praise, she must feel so rejected by her shit excuse for a mother.
I feel so sad for her and you. You both deserve better. Thank goodness she’s lucky enough to have you in her life

Ignore the shower thing. A smelly kid is playing you.

You're much too tired. Time to call a meeting between SDD's parents. Do not let her feelings control the house, or your health.

I hope your H stops paying maintenance I'm sure that will get his exes attention very very fast...

@SpongebobNoPants I’ve just tried to cuddle her as much as I can. Build her confidence a bit too.

She acts out a fair amount but that’s only normal, she must be experiencing a range of emotions that most adults would struggle to comprehend. I’m struggling between letting her get away with stuff because it’s probably a natural reaction to being ‘abandoned’ and feeling bad for having to reprimand her when she’s taken it a step too far because deep down, I know that isn’t her fault. Am I right to set boundaries? I have two younger children that also need to learn about acceptable behaviours and I don’t want them seeing DSD getting away with it when it’s unacceptable. But then I feel so guilty for having to have words. I don’t know what to do for the best. I’m definitely softer on her than middle DD which will likely cause its own problems.

It’s not often I read stuff on here that play on mind and I honestly feel for you both in this awful situation. You’re a great stepmum

I would treat them all the same, don’t be overly soft on her behaviour wise.
Discipline and boundaries are an expression of love and kids need to know where they stand.
Part of loving parenting is raising them and shaping them into nice individuals. You can set boundaries with love... it’s an equal measure of praise and discipline in my opinion.
It isn’t your place usually to do this and your husband should take a lot of the burden, but fit the sake of this child you need to do it too

*I think we need to go through court and get something rigid in place.
Something that her mum has to stick to to ensure that she does see her from time to time. I can’t see any other way. *

But that won't work. Court can't force a parent into contact. It will only ensure your OH is the RP. No one can ensure that her mother makes any effort with her.

I think you need to treat them all the same for things like hitting/swearing etc.

But your dds have a loving, caring mother and dsd does not. If her poor behaviour is answering back, rudeness, slamming doors etc then i think she deserves a little extra leeway. A bit of kindness so she knows that someone cares about her. Youre an incredible stepmother op. No stepmum asks to be in this situation but honestly - that little girl will look back and remember who it was that was there for her. for you op. I'm glad your dh is stepping up a bit more.

She’s clearly really upset about her mum and pis probably testing you to see if you’re going to leave her, too.

It’s sounds like your doing a fantastic job,

If her mum was struggling in some way and needed help it would be easier to understand but it defies belief that she is merrily out and about visiting friends and their children.

is you’re

I think you have to have the same household rules, same age appropriate punishments for hitting, hurting, bullying. The resentment and sibling rivalry it will creat if you don't!

Look up therapeutic parenting, also I would be using the sentence "the rules in our family are x y z" remind her she is part of the family equal to her sisters.

The leeway with her behaviour is accepting that she is developmentally behind and also being aware of dynamics and intervening before arguments and disagreements get violent.

Your H is going to have to do far more to help around the house either by using maintenance money to pay for help or doing it himself. Helping all the girls feel love wanted and secure is a full time job.

[quote user1488481370]@mintyt this is where I’m a complete twat and my own worst enemy. I feel as though I’m failing and admitting defeat if I get a cleaner 😬😱😫

I know, I’m an idiot![/quote]
Actually you are giving yourself options and more space and energy for your own self in your life. A cleaner would help reduce not just the grunt work but also your mental load. Also, if you wanted to justify it further, you are giving paid work to someone looking for it. Win-Win.

@RandomMess, thank you, some brilliant advice there. Have been researching therapeutic parenting and it seems the way forward for us so thanks for the heads up.

We still haven’t made any headway with DSD’s mum with regards to contact I’m afraid. OH has been in touch and asked if she’d like us to bring her over for a couple of hours but she’s declined to agree. DSD is still struggling with the lack of contact with her mum. It seems to really affect her at bedtime. We’re trying to love bomb her and make her feel more secure.

DD went back to school this morning for the first time since lockdown began. She stayed for dinner and we picked her up at 1pm. I homeschooled DSD and it was nice to have some (not quite with the 1 YO) 1:1 time and supporting her with her school work.

I can guarantee as soon as the maintenance doesn't hit her account his ex will be in touch!!

I would actually refuse to return DSD until a court order is in place because it's clear that she does not care for DSD emotional welfare. It is highly likely she would take DSD to get the money and then keep her away to prove a point.

For DSD sake you need to get this to court ASAP

@RandomMess oh she’ll be in touch when she’s out of pocket - sadly, it’s all she seems to care about.

To be honest, I don’t think she’d keep her away from us. I don’t think she can cope with her.

Of course I’ve tried to point all of this out to OH. Whichever way you look at it, DSD’s needs aren’t being met.
What’s best for her is that we get residency.

I'm so glad she has you, OP. You and your OH will work this out, I do think. Good luck to you all x

I've just read this, you sound like an amazing stepmum. That poor girl

Has he stopped the maintenance yet, OP?

Hope you can get your cleaner soon.

@MeridianB - she isn’t due a payment for a couple of weeks yet. OH is apprehensive about not paying her but I think it needs to be done now. What happens if she demands to have her back as a result?

This is why you should take it to court to set out contact.

You could refuse to return DSD based on her emotionally abusive attitude towards her and tell her to take your DH to court over it. I only say these because your DSD needs stability and nurturing and sadly her Mum seems unwilling or incapable of providing it.

How many weeks is it since DSD spent time with her Mum and how many calls has she failed to answer?

9 weeks now roughly?

Ultimately your DH has to decide.

Does he want DSD to live with him most of the time? Does he think his ex behaviour is ok?

Is he happy for his ex to ditch DSD when it suits her? Is he happy to just have DSD as and when his ex doesn't and does he think it's fair on you and the other DC to have no consistency and routine?

If you are doing 2 nights each week plus most of the school holidays is he over paying on maintenance "to keep the peace"

I know I think it would be best for DSD to live with you and have EOW with her Mum but what does her Dad think and want?

If his ex doesn't see her until it kicks of when she doesn't receive maintenance that will be what 11/12 weeks refusing to spend time with her daughter!

If he continues to pay when his eldest daughter is now living full time with you, it means she is not getting the benefit of that money and is losing out. I hope he will be brave enough to do the right thing for his daughter and not make excuses to take the easy way out. You haven't done that, you have stepped up. Now he needs to.

We’ve had her for between 9-10 weeks now. I don’t think DH being resident parent for DSD would be any great loss to her, the money that would ‘disappear’ (for want of a better word) would be a great loss to her though.

She has been given the opportunity to speak to DSD twice a week. It’s been once a week at the most on FaceTime. She’s rejected lost calls from a OH and hung up on DSD when she’s mentioned contact.

Despite everything. OH is still reluctant and dragging his heels with going for custody. He thinks his ex is a crap mum but he doesn’t think she’s crap enough to for his to gain custody.

He would be more than happy for DSD to live here FT. He doesn’t think his ex’s behaviour is ok, he was especially pissed off that she’s been over seeing friends without making the effort to spend some time with DSD.

Historically, he’s had DSD as much as we were able to. So technically, he doesn’t mind his ex ditching DSD when it suits. As main carer for DSD when she’s here, I do mind. More importantly, it’s also evident that DSD minds too. It’s not unusual for us to have DSD for 5 weeks straight in the 6 week holidays.

He does a lot to keep the peace with her, a lot of it is driven by guilt too.

To be honest, I highly doubt her mum would commit to EOW. We had a period of time where DSD stipulated that she wanted one weekend every so often with her mum. She settled on once a month. This arrangement lasted a month and then ex reckoned she couldn’t commit to it.

@ButteryPuffin yes, thank you, at first I wasn’t bothered about him paying the maintenance. But I now realise that, under normal circumstances - she would be missing out on that. We wouldn’t be bothered for a penny from her mum if we weren’t paying the maintenance to her.

He has a lot going on with his business right now but I’m hoping that I’ve made him see how important this is and how important consistency and routine is for ALL OF US.