Do I EVER get a break?!

[user1488481370]

We’ve had DSD for the last 5 weeks. We aren’t resident parents but a normal routine would consist of her staying every weekend Fri evening - Sun evening and probably 80%-90% of school holidays.

We also have DD2 (6) and DD3 (1) and I’m 16 weeks pregnant with baby no 4.

Knackered isn’t the word for it. DSD seems to go back to her mum’s house for 2 weeks maximum but can stay here for any unstipulated length of time. I will do 99.9% of her care whilst she’s here. I’ve got them both to homeschool with a 1 year old trashing everything. The house is an absolute tip, I have dirty washing everywhere, I’m so behind on paperwork for OH’s business the thought of doing it makes me feel sick and to top it all off, I’ve been in and out of hospital thanks to my BP being high.

She’s been keeping in regular contact with her mum via zoom, there’s been no discussion of when she’s going back and I feel like I’m always left in the lurch. I’m so annoyed with OH. He works hard but this means he has very little time to do anything with the DC’s or be an actual parent. The times where I’ve been in hospital my mum has had to come round and look after them.

Her mum isn’t working thanks to the current pandemic, she has no other children at home either.

Although DSD and I get on well, I’m finding her quite difficult to deal with at the moment. Her behaviour is getting progressively worse the longer she’s here. I don’t know whether that’s because she misses her mum (although she hasn’t expressed a wish to go back there once) or whether it’s just her age and hormones. I’ve been trying to teach her to wash her self - whether that’s a bath or a shower, just to help me out a little - surely she would like the privacy of being able to wash alone now? But it ends in screaming meltdowns, she has no concept of how to wash her hair or body even though she’s had it done and explained to her hundreds of times over the years. Brushing her teeth is a similar battle and bedtime is a nightmare, her and DD2 share a room, she’s often awake until gone 11, she wakes the 1 YO and DD2 is constantly knackered because she isn’t getting to sleep until late. I’m just sick of it and need a break!!

Does mum know she's not getting the next maintenance payment? DSD definitely sounds like she would be far better off placed with you.

However if the roles were reversed you would be shot down in daring to even suggest it.

@combatbarbie, funnily enough, she was due another payment yesterday. She didn’t get it.
It’s the first time in over 8 years that OH hadn’t paid her on time or at all. Regardless of the fact that from the age of 18 months - 4 years old we had had 5 nights a week and during summer holidays we’ve had her for at least 4 weeks.

Safe to say she’s now going to contact CSA! She would be shooting herself in the foot under as she would only be getting £40 per week all things considered through CSA. OH pays double that. Plus extra for birthdays, Christmas and school uniform every year.
But that won’t be an issue . . . Especially when we tell the CSA that we’ve had her for over 11 weeks barring a night at her auntie’s house.

We were meant to be driving DSD over tomorrow to see her mum which she’s cancelled because apparently she now can’t afford to do anything with her.
DSD distraught. Said a walk costs nothing. Wise beyond her years unlike her mother. 😩

I've read the whole thread and your previous. Just have to say what a shit tip of an excuse for a mother. Your DSD (and you) deserve so much better. Understatement saying that.

Fill out papers for school transfer. Give your DSD the stability she deserves. Can't afford to see her kid my arse. I'd walk barefoot as far as I could to see mine. Nothing could ever stop me. She is an absolute joke. I just want to cry for your DSD. How can any mother treat their child like this?! Is there any underlying depression/mental health issues causing her to be such a poor mother? It is no excuse and DSD is truly lucky to have you.

Her mother is a real piece of work.

It’s more stuff to log. Such a shame she can’t even be arsed with a couple of hours once a week. The absolute bare minimum.

It seems DSD’s mum had a change of heart, or so I thought.

We drove DSD over to her mum’s. OH go back into the car and as we were driving away told me not to be mad but he’d given his ex £40 so that she could do something with DSD. That was apparently the condition for her having her today, unbeknownst to me. I’m not angry about the money, he could’ve given her £200 for all I care, it’s the principle. He’s basically paid her to look after her own DD for a few hours.

Fast forward a few hours, we pick DSD up. She spends the car journey home with her coat over her head trying to stifle her sobs.

We got home, she yelled and screamed at DD for no reason. She then wished everyone in the house dead 😢 OH then shouted back at her and said ‘you have a mum and you have a dad, I never even got to meet my dad so shut up.’ Which of course, didn’t help matters!! So I’ve gone through him about that before going to comfort DSD. He currently won’t speak to me 🙄

DSD literally fell into my arms after being offered some love and comfort, that’s all she wanted. She said sorry for yelling at her sister, sorry for the things she said etc. She also said that her mum had told her today that if she kept crying when she got home from seeing her then she wouldn’t come and see her anymore. Does she not realise that it isn’t DSD who is the problem? It’s her!

Please report her to social services for emotional abuse. I am being 100% sincere, she is seriously damaging DSD.

It will also help present the wider issues to Cafcass.

I wouldn't even get DH to arrange further contact, the things her Mum said her so utterly poisonous it isn't in her best interests, please protect her from that. Tell her Mum is working - she will know it's not the truth but I don't think she can handle what is going on until she has a specialist therapist.

@RandomMess you’re right. It’s just going from bad to worse. She’s distraught tonight. So annoyed with OH’s handling of it tonight too.

That poor little girl. Her parents are both failing her. Your oh is meant to be the adult for fucks sake. How dare he say that to her. He's almost as absent as her mother is!

I hope your dd is ok too. It's not fair on her either to be used as punchbag for her sister's emotions.

@ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal I know 😣 I’m so mad with him too. He could’ve handled it so differently and she would’ve responded positively. I feel as though a lot of this is her testing us to see how we react and to see if we care. I hope she knows I care. Despite her parent’s blatant lack of interest in her or in her feelings.

DD has been cuddled and comforted too, she was upset at first but DSD apologised to her unprompted. I think DD understands that people make mistakes and say things that they don’t mean from time to time.

The children are under so much stress. Do they get on generally?

@ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal we’ve had difficulty with their relationship in the past.

DSD always seemed very jealous/resentful of DD which is understandable really isn’t it? I do feel that their relationship has gotten better recently though. Despite everything. Whether that’s because DSD has been around much more and realised that they’re both treated the same .....
Don’t get me wrong, they’re still quite catty, DSD can be very impatient and bossy with DD but I don’t put that down to anything other than big sister/little sister relationship. I wouldn’t say it’s anything out of the ordinary.

They both dote on youngest DD. Especially DSD. I’d never seen that side to her until after DD was born. In some ways I’d say it’s been the making of her.

I'm just lost for words with all this.

I can understand why your H gave her the £40... or was for his DDs benefit.

I can also understand why it annoys you.

I feel sorry for you...DSD and your DD. The long term damage for DSD is something to be concerned about.

This sort of thing leaves kids thinking it's their fault their mum can't be bothered... they are in turmoil wondering why and can be left feeling not good enough throughout their lives.

It's this feeling that can lead them to end up in abusive relationships... they start by getting lovebombed and because they crave love which they didn't get from their parents... they end up being vulnerable.

Your H loves her...but he doesn't spend quality time with her...he shouts at her and handles situations poorly....in young mind this isso confusing... as the two people who should love her unconditionally...just aren't up to the task.

It's incredibly sad...and your DSD is posting the price for it unfortunately.

You... are a real hero to her. I couldn't do what you do ..because I'd feel taken advantage of...but you have a good heart.

@SandyY2K you’re so right. I’ve been reading up about the effects of emotional abuse in childhood and I’m so worried for DSD in the future.

There was a list of 8 ‘red flags’ of signs of emotional abuse. She ticks every single one 😢

I’m honestly not bothered about the money. She can smoke it, drink it, but herself some new nails with it. It’s more the fact that she wasn’t interested in having DSD for a few hours until OH offered her the money. Her mum didn’t really do anything with her today. DSD said that she watched TV while her mum was on her phone and then they went for a walk to the village shop and straight back home again. I just feel as though offering money to her when she sees DSD is setting a dangerous precedent. It’s all very sad.

I do feel used and taken advantage of but not by DSD and she’s the one who matters here. I despair every day about it all but then remember that I’m doing the right thing by her. Or at least I hope I am. It’s difficult to know.

My own dad and step mum were/are hideous people. My step mother is a sociopath with narcissistic tendencies and my father is spineless.
Cutting them off and finding out what they were like was painful, messy and left me feeling very vulnerable but now I’m dealing with this, I’m grateful for the lesson on how not to behave. I believe that this experience has also given me an insight into the feelings and emotions that DSD is feeling right now.

I am glad she is back with you.
When DH finishes with his strop, you need to have a word.
It is as though he can’t see how badly ex treats DSD.
He needs to understand he can’t fix it by throwing money at it.
He just needs to concentrate on integrating DSD into your home and family and forget about ex.
Ex needs to be responsible for her own relationship with DSD, it can’t be forced by him, no matter how much he wants DSD to have a good relationship with her Mum. Not going to happen.
DH needs to concentrate on things he has control over.

You're amazing for doing everything you are for this little girl. You're the only constant in her life. I imagine she lashes out at you and dd because she just doesn't believe you love her and she's testing you. Her own parents behaviour can't possibly make her feel secure, your oh shouting at her when what she needed was a cuddle and reassurance that he loved her no matter what utterly heartbreaking. this isn't naughtiness, it goes way beyond that as you know. I might have missed it, are any of you in therapy?

What a nasty piece of work the mother is! She doesn't deserve to have children.
If I were you I'd be doing everything I could to keep DSD with me, social services, courts the lot. Yes you need a break but as you've said DSD isn't the problem it's the lack of support from DH.
Obviously your husband is being a dick and is getting some stick, rightly so, but I honestly think he just doesn't know how to deal with the situation so switches off from it. You find a lot of people shout when they don't know what to do and get frustrated.
Some one on one time with his daughter and maybe some counselling as a family will help cause this can't carry on for anyone's sake.
Her mother is a waste of space but you can't tell DSD that because she's still her mum but you can do everything in your power to stop her toxic attitude affecting your family. we've had all this with my niece from the age of 4, she's now 17 and honestly her mother is poison, tells her she hates her and she wishes she wasn't born but then rings her at 2am crying saying she misses her. She has destroyed her and it breaks my heart so don't let it happen to your DSD.
I just hope your DSD makes the decision on her own to stop seeing her mum before she drains her completely. Xx

Op, I have only read your posts, and I think you are really going the extra mile to help this girl but I think that your situation regarding “custody” (I guess you are in the USA as there is no such thing as custody in the UK) it is far more simple than you may think.

Mother is not interested, there is no need to fight in court, or spend money on that, I doubt she will be arsed to fight anything when you are already paying her to see her DD. The only thing you need to do is to tell her you are switching routines, you have her on the week (in a school near you), she has her on the weekends. Simple, give it two months and DSD is living with you full time as she won’t be arsed (unless it affects her benefits if she get some).

I think it is fair to accept your OH is crap at parenting, won’t parent and can’t be trusted to deal with DSD’s emotional issues without emotionally abusing her himself (yes, he is neglecting her throughout the day and verbally abusing her when DSD needs comforting). You are not going to change him, so the option is leaving or staying with him. If you stay, you need to accept and embrace the idea that he puts a roof over your heads and you do all the parenting, there’s no point on fighting this, he doesn’t give a shit and may be keeping himself busier outdoors to avoid doing the parenting.

If you accept this situation then you would have more control about the situation at home, Honestly, nagging an uninterested parent to parent is far more tiring than doing the work your way, on your own, yourself... you are already doing it on your own, it is not fair, shouldn’t be like that, but if you are not leaving him, it is what it is. I’m sure you will feel less tired and stressed if you stop trying to get OH and ex to parent. If you don’t believe me, just pretend that girl had no parents but you, try it for a week or two and you will see the difference it makes to your wellbeing.

I think that the only way things will work for you while you are living with this man is to treat that girl as if she was your own DD, reassure her you love her all the time but don’t put up with any bad behaviour you would not tolerate from your own kids. I can assure you once she knows the rules and that they will be applied fairly no matter what, she will feel more settled, confident and content. Kids need structure and certainty to thrive. Having that structure will make parenting easier for you as well.

Talking about certainty, not knowing when, how or how much time she is going to spend with her mother must be really driving her crazy. But I would say it is not because she misses her but because she never knows what to expect. The kinder thing for your DD would be not to be told anything about when she is going to see her mother so she doesn’t get disappointed when the plans are thrown out of the window. If mum shows up is a bonus, a nice surprise.

We have hammered into us that contact with both parents is absolutely a priority no matter what. It is NOT if that is not on the child’s best interests. Being pushed to see a mum who actively makes her feel not wanted is far more damaging than not seeing her at all. I’m sure that if you didn’t have the distraction of having to insert two shit parents into your DSD’s life, DSD would be as nice and well behaved as your DD. She, as your DC only have YOU.

Omg her parents are completely taking the piss out of you!!! I would tell your husband to get her sent back to her mums for the summer holidays and you can resume weekends from September. You're pregnant and have other children to look after. Shame on the mum and dad both!!

When you speak to your OH question whether you also get £40 a day for looking after the kids and DSD so you can do things with them and open his eyes to the craziness of having to pay a mother to have their own child for a few hours. He needs to apologise to you and needs to appreciate you so much more. I hope you and bump are doing well through all this!

Sorry I've read the rest of the thread now. Poor DSD. What a difficult situation.

... further on my already long post, don’t let her DD decides when she wants to go to mum or not. Children that young should not be allowed to think they are in control of how much contact time they have. It is a choice loaded with guilt out of respect, loyalty or badly placed loyalty. Much better for them to be told when and how long especially if they are not enjoying contact and, most importantly, if their wishes have no impact whatsoever on the potential outcome.

The only reason he should be persuading and bribing the ‘mother’ to spend time with her own child is if it’s something is of benefit to his DD. If it‘S not - and all evidence suggests it’s not - then make no arrangements, and no contact.

We know the mother won’t try to arrange contact and this will all be relevant to the case for custody,

I’d be so cross about the money, too. It’s such poor judgement,

I think the time in between contact allows DSD to fantasise about her mother being someone she adores and then the horrible reality of the way she treats when they are together is so hard to take. It’s a huge emotional rollercoaster before, during and after visits.