New baby and in-law problems

[PeachyB]

Hi everyone,

This is my first thread, hope I’m getting this all right.

DH and I are expecting our first baby together (my first) and I’m struggling to cope with my in-laws. Each time we skype or social distance see them in the garden they grill us on why we want to buy all new things for our baby when they have baby things we could have that were SC’s. We’ve tried to be polite and explain purchasing our own things is an important part of the experience for us together and we do not want the association with the past. It really upsets me that they can’t understand why I would want to have my own things for our baby and I would not want things another woman had chosen.

I’m most definitely not opposed to second hand items from friends or bargains we find online but always having the pushy offer of an ex’s belongings just really strike a nerve with me and they just can’t see the problem.

To give some additional background. DH has two children already. DH previous relationship was abusive and this abuse has continued since we have been together resulting in us both being in situations of physical danger and near constant harassment by his ex. We have the police and solicitors working to make sure we remain safe and DH can continue contact as per his agreement free from danger. His family are well aware of this situation and kindly act as a middle house for swap overs to avoid direct contact between DH and ex.

With this in mind it’s mind blowing to me they would be so insistent on us having her chosen baby items just because ‘you have them already’. DH and I work extremely hard to up keep contact with his children and making sure they have all they need while ensuring we and our new baby will remain safe. We have no expectations of family to pay for any new baby things as we are thankfully able to afford these ourselves.

Sorry for ranting, hopefully it makes some sense. I don’t know how to keep myself open to contact with DH family when I always leave so upset or how to put this idea to bed in a way where they don’t think less of me.

@Dougalthesyrianhamster

YABU and extremely wasteful. You cannot erase his kids! You need to accept that he already has children and they're not going away!

I can't believe you've fallen for the "My ex is crazy" line 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry I’ll remember this next time we are dealing with the police or I receive abusive messages and threats to my live and baby...

@pinkyredrose

Just accept the clothes and donate them to charity. Do your husbands children live with you? As his ex is so dangerous?

They spend half their time with us. The only positive thing I will ever say about his ex is she is a great mother, the children have never been privy to these outbursts and are non the wiser about how their mum behaves towards their dad and me. Should this ever change the living arrangement would change I’m sure of it.

Thank you every who replied.

We spend a few hours talking this through yesterday and have agreed that I won’t have as much direct contact with PIL until DH can speak to them for one final time to explain why this isn’t appropriate and help them find a place to donate these items (mainly the big important bits)

Having SC you accept that lots of experiences won’t be naturally everyone’s first and I’ve had my fair share of those so far but I’ve always wanted the experience of shopping for my baby. SC are excited for the baby and I’m sure would be thrilled to have input into the items and keep some of their older kids stuff back for when our baby is older.

Hi op, I am a mum and step mum so I do understand how you feel. I felt the opposite to you, and would happily have taken hand me downs but we live a zero waste lifestyle. Its totally your choice what stuff you want for your baby.

Dougal You should try to write fiction just like your post on here,you seem to have a vivid imagination!
I was offered second hand baby items from a yard sale my husband's cousin had been selling purchased by my parent in laws. They were dirty and outdated and I had zero intention to use them plus they had purchased brand new,expensive items for their first two grandsons and I felt insulted.

YABU and extremely wasteful. You cannot erase his kids! You need to accept that he already has children and they're not going away!

Ha! I bought all new (pram, crib, clothes) for my second son. I guess I was trying to erase my oldest, but he still hasn’t went away!

I'm kind of in the same situation too OP. Mine and partners first child, he has child from previous relationship, we are in a good financial position. The only difference is, it's my partner trying to push on me his firsts child's stuff and doesn't understand why I said no.