New baby and in-law problems

[PeachyB]

Hi everyone,

This is my first thread, hope I’m getting this all right.

DH and I are expecting our first baby together (my first) and I’m struggling to cope with my in-laws. Each time we skype or social distance see them in the garden they grill us on why we want to buy all new things for our baby when they have baby things we could have that were SC’s. We’ve tried to be polite and explain purchasing our own things is an important part of the experience for us together and we do not want the association with the past. It really upsets me that they can’t understand why I would want to have my own things for our baby and I would not want things another woman had chosen.

I’m most definitely not opposed to second hand items from friends or bargains we find online but always having the pushy offer of an ex’s belongings just really strike a nerve with me and they just can’t see the problem.

To give some additional background. DH has two children already. DH previous relationship was abusive and this abuse has continued since we have been together resulting in us both being in situations of physical danger and near constant harassment by his ex. We have the police and solicitors working to make sure we remain safe and DH can continue contact as per his agreement free from danger. His family are well aware of this situation and kindly act as a middle house for swap overs to avoid direct contact between DH and ex.

With this in mind it’s mind blowing to me they would be so insistent on us having her chosen baby items just because ‘you have them already’. DH and I work extremely hard to up keep contact with his children and making sure they have all they need while ensuring we and our new baby will remain safe. We have no expectations of family to pay for any new baby things as we are thankfully able to afford these ourselves.

Sorry for ranting, hopefully it makes some sense. I don’t know how to keep myself open to contact with DH family when I always leave so upset or how to put this idea to bed in a way where they don’t think less of me.

What is it that you have now that you won't use as clearly, it won't be case of the ex giving to you.

You buy what you want, your decision. The only reason I could understand PIL views is if you are complaining of being short in money and/or asking them to loan/give you some.

I’d not be entertaining this either, OP. If you’re being kind then you could say they are just trying to help, but nobody needs this kind of pestering.
Next time I think I’d suggest if they don’t want the items anymore they should consider selling or tipping them. Don’t entertain any more discussions. If your DH has already explained to them why this is inappropriate then they are just being pig headed and downright unkind, so I wouldn’t be sugaring the pill.
I would also pull right back from visits and Skypes etc. if all they are going to do is insult you with this nonsense and stress you out then it’s not worth it. Leave it to DH to explain why you no longer want to chit chat with them.
Don’t worry about them thinking less of you. You will be thinking a lot less of them is they carry on like this.

Imo take the stuff and donate to a charity. Once it's gone they can't mention it again.. Buy new..

That’s very bizarre behaviour by PIL. I presume they know the full story about the ex? It’s very insensitive or naive maybe. I’d maybe say before it’s brought up again that you want to buy your baby the things you want and that you won’t be needing/wanting any of the items that were picked by ex so you are happy for them to be sold and then maybe PIL can pick out something for your baby or keep for themselves.

It seems they can’t get their heads around why you don’t want the stuff but if you’ve explained it to them clearly then they really need to just keep quiet about it now regardless of their views.

Unless the items in question are already at your PILs’, that’s weird. I think the idea of accepting them and donating them as you “know a new mum who’s in desperate need of these for her new baby” rather than straight up ripping them might be kinder if you have an otherwise decent relationship with DP’s parents.
I adore DSS but DC will have a new cot and mattress when they arrive, plus pram. I figure that if DSS’s mum got to choose those items for her first born, I should have the choice to have that experience too. Having said that, we have kept some special clothing and toys from when DSS was very small that we hope to see DC in, so 🤷🏼‍♀️ having it both ways I guess!

Straight up *tipping, lol not ripping

Maybe they think he was forced to pay for all the dc's stuff previously and feel he needn't shell out again.
Not saying that is the case - your relationship is obviously not abusive - but they may feel concerned about your finances regardless..

I think this always happens.... I think it's good to do it all together new as it's a new life! My SKs were too old to share baby items but When I was pregnant with our son my DHs family said that when we were thinking of names we should have it end in a 'e' such as henry as my partners 3 other children all have names that end this way so it would be nice to match.

I was furious and not Ashamed to say I stayed we'll away fo any e sounds!

I’m exactly the same with the beginning letter of names. SC have same initials so I’ll be steering clear of that too! Haha

@dontdisturbmenow

What is it that you have now that you won't use as clearly, it won't be case of the ex giving to you.

You buy what you want, your decision. The only reason I could understand PIL views is if you are complaining of being short in money and/or asking them to loan/give you some.

Thankfully we are in a position to fully support the new baby and the many items that you need to purchase. Not that kind gifts from family won’t be welcome.

It’s possible they bought stuff for the SCs that they have in their house and want to give to you. It’s also possible this is a request that isn’t coming from them but via them from the ex for her reasons. I think it’s best just to be honest - that you don’t want stuff she has chosen.

@hulahoopqueen

Unless the items in question are already at your PILs’, that’s weird. I think the idea of accepting them and donating them as you “know a new mum who’s in desperate need of these for her new baby” rather than straight up ripping them might be kinder if you have an otherwise decent relationship with DP’s parents. I adore DSS but DC will have a new cot and mattress when they arrive, plus pram. I figure that if DSS’s mum got to choose those items for her first born, I should have the choice to have that experience too. Having said that, we have kept some special clothing and toys from when DSS was very small that we hope to see DC in, so 🤷🏼‍♀️ having it both ways I guess!

I think if they do get pushy then donating is a lovely idea, I’m sure there are lots of mums and families that could benefit from the donation!

It’s definitely those big items that are bothering me more as we have lots of toys and older children’s clothes that can be reused. I just don’t want to feel further robbed of the new mummy experience!

I would tell them one more time that you will not be using any of these items and from now on this discussion is closed. If they bring it up again, hang up or leave. You need to set very firm boundaries with them, obviously.

I can see where you're coming from. I have 2 DSS and a very kind SIL who offered me all sorts of second hand things but I wanted a new pram.and to choose my babys bed they have all done for both if my kids and a my brother is about to have his first will be offered to.him but if his DW doesn't want them I will donate them. But I do love second hand things I just wanted to choose my own pram big items as I saw this as an investment and didnt want a deadline on when I could use them until.
Maybe take the things you already have and sell them or try to swap them? Or just donate them to people who need them?

Why have they kept them? Do they have a loft full of stuff?

YANBU. You need to get your DH to explain to them and close this down once and for all so it doesn’t keep coming up.

Depending on where you are based, there are some amazing Baby Banks they could take it all to. Little Village is the one we give to and it’s amazing, most people they help live on less than £5 a day.

I’ve been in the same position OP. I took the items and put them in a drawer/wardrobe/or the loft. Ready to pass onto the next unwitting in-law who has a baby.

The only thing I’ve kept was something that was sentimental to MIL that she had apparently been saving. It’s still at the bottom of a drawer and hasn’t resurfaced. I thought it was really insensitive to push something that was gifted to DSS when he was born onto me.

Now my own DC has passed the age where my DH and DSS’ Mum spilt I’m not bothered. Fortunately for me in this scenario they didn’t even make it to DSS’ first birthday so all the hand me downs were quite short lived. There are over ten years between DSS and my DS so I’m surprised all this stuff was stored so long!!!

YABU and extremely wasteful. You cannot erase his kids! You need to accept that he already has children and they're not going away!

I can't believe you've fallen for the "My ex is crazy" line 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

YABU and extremely wasteful. You cannot erase his kids! You need to accept that he already has children and they're not going away!

You’ve taken OP’s post and stretched it to the furthest possible extent your imagination will allow.

She knows her DP has children, she just wants to enjoy her baby without reminders or comparisons of her DP’s experience with his existing children whilst still in a relationship with his ex.

Birth and carrying a child are quite intimate and personal experiences. A bit like not wanting to hear about your partners sexual experiences with their exes before you get it on...

My aunt was like this she had bought a pram nor of my choosing as a gift when I was pregnant with ds when I was 21. I later met dh after ex left and when we had DS together we wanted to pick that pram together something I never got to do, she wanted us to use the pram in previously, dh put his foot down.

Dougal what the hell? The police are involved. She might just be crazy. And even if she’s not, she’s clearly a source of much negative energy in OP’s life.

OP you have the right to accept or not. But maybe you could reframe these items in your mind as items that your baby’s older siblings had when they were little rather than stuff their mum chose. Like that it can be a nice connection for the older kids with their new baby brother/sister if you were to accept an item or two. Ive no idea what’s being offered to you but I’m thinking something like a baby bath you could perhaps compromise on.

YABU and extremely wasteful. You cannot erase his kids! You need to accept that he already has children and they're not going away!

I actually thought you were being sarcastic at first. Are you serious?

She’s not trying to erase his kids. She just doesn’t want stuff for her baby that his ex chose for her baby. It would be different being given second hand things by a friend, but there is something quite icky about using baby stuff the ex and your partner used when they had a baby together.

And where does it end? Should the op just continue to accept hand me downs from the ex/ILS as her children grow and never buy anything new for her own children? Because if she doesn’t she will be seen as erasing his kids

This is probably going on a bit of tangent now but I still think it’s relevant.
What about all future decisions like where her children go to school? Should the op just never get a say in these decisions because the op’s partner and his ex made that decision for their children a few years prior and the op’s children should just follow suit? I was very firm that I didn’t want my children to go to the same school as their older sibling. It had nothing to do with erasing his child, but more to do with the fact that my children are people in the own right too, and I didn’t want their life being determined by decisions that have been heavily influenced by his ex wife.

Have you been clear and direct with them?
“I need to be clear: This is my first baby, I want to choose my own stuff, and I especially do not want things passed on from ExW, especially as that relationship does not bring happy associations. If you are concerned about waste it would be lovely to donate them to a mother who is in need. But thank you, as far as me using them, the conversation is at an end. Ooh, I meant to ask, have you been watching xxxx on TV?”

Just accept the clothes and donate them to charity. Do your husbands children live with you? As his ex is so dangerous?

Your husband just needs to say no, you are not interested in any of his and his ex's feelings. I wouldn't sugar coat things, they need to learn to respect your boundaries. They must be pretty dense to not get this.

If you've made your point clear and they havent stopped, let them drop the stuff off then donate it to charity (maybe hold back one or two bits as keepsakes for SC when they are older).

When they ask after it, just say you were gifted other things so gave it to someone more in need.