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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Redundancy and Child Maintenance

999 replies

TazSyd · 08/06/2020 12:23

DP is currently furloughed and found out last week that he is at risk of redundancy. He has been expecting this and thinks that there is a high chance that he will be made redundant. He’s been there less than 2 years, so will only be paid 1 month notice and accrued holiday pay. As he lives with me he will only be entitled to £75 a week contributions based benefits.

We have a DD together and he also has another daughter who lives with her mum but stays with us 2 nights a week (in normal times). One weeknight and also on a Friday night and Saturday day - we pick her up from school on Friday and drop her back at her mum’s after dinner on a Saturday. As DP has been furloughed, we (well he, as I have been working from home so haven’t done much childcare during the day for either DD or DSD) have been having her more often - more like a 50/50 split. Despite his drop in income and the increase in childcare, he hasn’t reduced the maintenance he pays to his ex.

I’ve spoken to a couple of recruiter friends and they’ve said that the employment market has picked up a bit but realistically they aren’t expecting it to pick up properly until September. So DP could well be unemployed for a few months.

DP will pay £7 per week out of his JSA to his ex but this is a lot less than he currently pays (£300 per month). I know I have no legal responsibility for DSD but should I top up the maintenance to DPs ex?

OP posts:
Original poster
TazSyd · 11/06/2020 10:51

Who says that this suits her? He could even offer to have the child ft and expect her to pay maintenance but that wasn't the arrangement agreed between them before, why should it now be agreed just because it suits him.

But it seems to have suited her for him to increase childcare from 2 to 3 nights a week, whilst not reducing maintenance (150% of the CMS minimum). This also wasn’t the arrangement before.

OP posts:
LittleFoxKit · 11/06/2020 10:52

If the OPs DH gets a full time job.. who is supposed to provide the childcare so his Ex wife can work during the week?

Giespeace · 11/06/2020 11:00

You are not being asked to shoulder her responsibilities, just his. Her past and present situation has nothing to do with you. All that matters is HIS responsibilities.

Why is the ex not equally responsible for providing for OPs child during this time? After all, she knew what she was getting into, having a child with a man, cheating on him, splitting up etc. She must have known he might well go on to have another child. And she should always be willing to step up to provide for that other woman’s child, as that’s her childs sibling for goodness sake...

No? Bit silly? Well so is this ridiculous nonsense that OPs personal savings (accrued thorough full time work and a bit of grown up financial restraint) should go to a woman who works part time and has historically pissed her money up the wall and racked up debts. OP is already going to be providing for her step child while the child is under her roof. That’s enough.

dontdisturbmenow · 11/06/2020 11:17

Ah right so it doesn't matter what is best for the child, only what suits the mother
Why are you assuming that 50/50 is best for the child? If it was,why wasn't it agreed before or if not agreed, why didn't OP go to court for it before?

Why is the ex not equally responsible for providing for OPs child during this time?
Noone mentioned OP having to support her dsd. We are talking about her father doing so, and if required to do so, OP supporting her OH to meet his responsibilities.

Giespeace · 11/06/2020 11:20

Noone mentioned OP having to support her dsd. We are talking about her father doing so, and if required to do so, OP supporting her OH to meet his responsibilities.

Playing pass the parcel with the money doesn’t change the fact that you want it to go from OP to DSDs mother 🤷‍♀️

aSofaNearYou · 11/06/2020 11:21

No, you will be supporting your husband. He will be supporting his children

I'm trying to imagine what it must be like to have the confidence to tell a stranger they "will" do this or that, whilst suggesting something outlandish that only I have deemed reasonable. It's just so incredibly presumptuous, which is also exactly what it is to say OP should be using her own personal savings for this.

caringcarer · 11/06/2020 11:23

Your partner should warn his ex do she has as much time possible to prepare.

You could offer to have DSC more and to.buy her clothes and shoes.

It would be kind of you to give his ex cash from your salary but I would get your partner to explain £7 will be from his benefit and you may top up a little if possible some weeks but point out your household will be less affluent too.

NoHardSell · 11/06/2020 11:28

I don't know how immensely useful it is to have an ex who changes their mind about their childcare responsibilities at the drop of a hat
Can do 70:30 unless he gets a job with different shift patterns in which case he can do 20:80
Can do 50:50 but on different days to those previously agreed so ex has to change her working days
Can't do 50:50 once school starts back as the two households live miles away from each other (that's a guess - can he keep up the school runs once school restarts)
Wants to change £ maintenance constantly depending on all these changes from a range from £7 to £300.

Original poster
TazSyd · 11/06/2020 11:35

@nohardsell

Selective reading there.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 11/06/2020 11:36

@NoHardSell it's ridiculous not to accept that things are different for everybody right now and parents might need to work together to come up with a temporary solution. Expecting everything to be exactly as it was and putting moral judgments on people for being in a different situation during this pandemic to the one they are usually in is incredibly tone deaf. People will have less money, lose their jobs through no fault of their own, be at home for a completely different amount of time to normal, lose their usual childcare options. None of these things would be happening under normal circumstances and it does nobody any good to act like people are being deliberately difficult or flaky.

Bollss · 11/06/2020 11:38

Why are you assuming that 50/50 is best for the child? If it was,why wasn't it agreed before or if not agreed, why didn't OP go to court for it before?

Well its a choice between 50/50 between parents or less with one parent, more with the other but spending half that time at childcare? What do you think sounds better?

Money money money all that matters isn't it.

Bollss · 11/06/2020 11:40

@NoHardSell ffs a lot has changed in the past few months it's frankly fucking stupid to assume things like contact and maintenance won't change in this period.

Giespeace · 11/06/2020 11:44

I don't know how immensely useful it is to have an ex who changes their mind about their childcare responsibilities at the drop of a hat

“At the drop of a global pandemic and recession”

Fixed that for you 👍

pinkglove75318 · 11/06/2020 12:11

£7 per week for a child is disgraceful in my opinion. I know times are tough for everyone. But that is not the child's fault.

Bollss · 11/06/2020 12:14

@pinkglove75318

£7 per week for a child is disgraceful in my opinion. I know times are tough for everyone. But that is not the child's fault.
Even if he's providing 50% of the care?

What about the child he lives with why don't you care about their welfare!

Original poster
TazSyd · 11/06/2020 12:15

@pinkglove75318

Even if he’s doing more than 50/50 childcare?

OP posts:
Howaboutanewname · 11/06/2020 12:56

Ah right so it doesn't matter what is best for the child, only what suits the mother. Got it

Why would a change of residence (which is what I think you are advocating) because the father’s circumstances have changed be necessarily best for the child?

Bollss · 11/06/2020 13:00

Why would a change of residence (which is what I think you are advocating) because the father’s circumstances have changed be necessarily best for the child?

It's not a change of residence? It's one extra night with her dad?

NoHardSell · 11/06/2020 13:02

A temporary change

I mean, next week he might be working shifts, off she hops back to mum, heaven forbid that he sort out childcare for 'his' days.

Then he fancies saving some £ so it's full time at his for a few weeks

Then school restarts. Conveniently I bet it's back to mum's once there's school runs to do daily

Off she trots again

It might or might not suit the ex and the dd, but it doesn't sound like that's at the forefront of op's mind

Howaboutanewname · 11/06/2020 13:02

But none of that applies to op does it? I'm sorry your ex is shit but it's not really comparable with what's happening here

OP made a comment about how those of us who don’t agree with her hands down ‘don’t get what we want’ from our ex’s because we are such awful people. My point was, it has fuck all to do with what I want or expect to get from my ex and everything to do with being decent towards the children. That is my only expectation - that the children are treated fairly. Only they aren’t. I am not to blame for that. OP seems to think if I were only nicer, he would ‘give me what I wanted’. I am a fucking model ex. No trouble whatsoever.

Bollss · 11/06/2020 13:04

@NoHardSell

A temporary change

I mean, next week he might be working shifts, off she hops back to mum, heaven forbid that he sort out childcare for 'his' days.

Then he fancies saving some £ so it's full time at his for a few weeks

Then school restarts. Conveniently I bet it's back to mum's once there's school runs to do daily

Off she trots again

It might or might not suit the ex and the dd, but it doesn't sound like that's at the forefront of op's mind

a temporary change was ok when it meant mum got paid well more maintenance than she was entitled to and more nights with dad though wasnt it?

you cant have it both ways. either its give and take or its not.

seemingly if you're a mother you can do no wrong.

Bollss · 11/06/2020 13:05

That is my only expectation - that the children are treated fairly

and they are being? and yet op is still being berated?

Herja · 11/06/2020 13:06

ExH was meant to pay (didn't actually, but was meant to...) £300 pm. He has recently been made redundant, I fully accept that this means no maintenance for the time being, and have no issue with it. It is what it is - if we were still together, we'd be down £2k pm, rather than the notional £300 I actually am.

Talk to her, explain the redundancy. If you're having DSD so much extra at the moment, I'd keep the money to spend on her at yours. You're not her parent, you are not obliged to top up the mothers income from your own. Your DH is, but he doesn't have an income, there's no money owing.

dontdisturbmenow · 11/06/2020 13:17

Playing pass the parcel with the money doesn’t change the fact that you want it to go from OP to DSDs mother
If OP's has car payment, in all likelihood shell be paying it for him because they will need to be paid. She of course doesn't have too. The car could be repossessed and he could have a bad ctrditvreport. It's not her problem. But when it's money going to the ex, suddenly, it's seen like an outrage to provide it on his behalf. But of course, it's nothing personal...

They should agree to something until September to be revisited then when hopefully OP' OH will be back in FT work.

Bollss · 11/06/2020 13:32

@dontdisturbmenow

Playing pass the parcel with the money doesn’t change the fact that you want it to go from OP to DSDs mother If OP's has car payment, in all likelihood shell be paying it for him because they will need to be paid. She of course doesn't have too. The car could be repossessed and he could have a bad ctrditvreport. It's not her problem. But when it's money going to the ex, suddenly, it's seen like an outrage to provide it on his behalf. But of course, it's nothing personal...

They should agree to something until September to be revisited then when hopefully OP' OH will be back in FT work.

Op is responsible for her own bills. I dont know about them but most of our household bills are joint. Maintenance is not a joint bill. It is not OPs responsibility. You can dress it up however you like, but the child is not OPs. Its really not outrageous to want to pay maintenance for a child that is not yours.