Redundancy and Child Maintenance

[TazSyd]

DP is currently furloughed and found out last week that he is at risk of redundancy. He has been expecting this and thinks that there is a high chance that he will be made redundant. He’s been there less than 2 years, so will only be paid 1 month notice and accrued holiday pay. As he lives with me he will only be entitled to £75 a week contributions based benefits.

We have a DD together and he also has another daughter who lives with her mum but stays with us 2 nights a week (in normal times). One weeknight and also on a Friday night and Saturday day - we pick her up from school on Friday and drop her back at her mum’s after dinner on a Saturday. As DP has been furloughed, we (well he, as I have been working from home so haven’t done much childcare during the day for either DD or DSD) have been having her more often - more like a 50/50 split. Despite his drop in income and the increase in childcare, he hasn’t reduced the maintenance he pays to his ex.

I’ve spoken to a couple of recruiter friends and they’ve said that the employment market has picked up a bit but realistically they aren’t expecting it to pick up properly until September. So DP could well be unemployed for a few months.

DP will pay £7 per week out of his JSA to his ex but this is a lot less than he currently pays (£300 per month). I know I have no legal responsibility for DSD but should I top up the maintenance to DPs ex?

In reality he doesn't want to get a NMW job and you want him at home to solve your childcare issues/limit your joint household costs so you are both spinning the options, justifying his choices to suit what you want the outcome to be.
Sadly that's the feeling I got from your post too OP. Making plans about him being at home before he's been officially made redundant, discussing how hard it is to get a job, any job when no mention of him having even started to look and apply to any.

I do suspect there are savings in the family that is intended to be used because it's been calculated that with him getting benefits, paying a pittance in maintenance and not having to pay childcare, as adamy, you'll be much better off financially than if he took on a lower paid job, and having to pay for childcare and maintenance.

Could be wrong though and ultimately, what matters is that he and his ex can agree on an arrangement that benefits both under the circumstances.

Oh please, he can get a job, revert to the previous contact arrangement and both parents are responsible for arranging childcare on the days they care. So for you DP, whatever mid-week day from a usual school finishing time, a Friday from the same point and a Saturday daytime.

@PinkGinny

I your scenario maintenance will be reduced to £114 per month. Ex will have to pay a childminder £180 per month and claim £80 of that in benefits.

You don’t seem to be grasping that if he takes a minimum wage job his salary will reduce therefore his maintenance will too.

@dontdisturbmenow

Yes, there are savings in the family. They are mine. Are you suggesting that I give them to DPs ex? A woman that is so bad with money that she has racked up enough debt to consider an IVA?

He's as bad. Hang onto your money op. Your loser partner will drag you down otherwise. No savings, doesn't pay his taxes properly, doesn't want a minimum wage job as it's not worth it once he's paid child support to the mother of his child who is so poor she almost had to declare bankrupcy. A prince amongst men. You keep your money. Thank god someone in your family is financially useful.

How did he cover childcare after school previously out of curiosity?

I used flexi on Wed, Art Club (which he paid for) on a Thurs and DP finishes earlier on a Fri, so could pick her up.

no mention of him having even started to look and apply to any.

He’s been looking for a new job since he was furloughed in April. I mentioned this on the first page. There are very few jobs around though. There’s this thing called the Coronavirus lockdown going on, it’s been on the news a lot.

If you are projecting because you haven’t got what you wanted from your ex then perhaps the reason for that is rooted in your own unreasonable behaviour

You know what, what I would like from my ex is that he put our children first but after 10 years of no maintenance on his part and plenty of partners willing to support that (and tell my children how I am to blame for everything from my mother’s dementia to a lack of world peace), I doubt it’s ever going to happen.

And personally, I don’t want anything at all from him but I do want my children to have a dad who cares enough about them to put them first. I don’t want my children confused and upset every week and for them to have to hear what a fucking lazy bitch I am (from a non working woman supported by my ex whilst I’m out there doing 3 jobs), or anything else. What they have had to put up with in the name of money is shameful and now they are old enough to vote with their feet he is confused as to their decisions to see him less and less. But that'll be my fault, eh?! Should have starved to death, perhaps, rather than managing despite their best efforts to see us in the gutter?!

for them to have to hear what a fucking lazy bitch I am (from a non working woman supported by my ex whilst I’m out there doing 3 jobs).

I work full time and DPs ex works 20 hours a week.

@PinkGinny

But *@funinthesun19 and @Coffeepot72* it hasn't, generally, been suggested he should continue paying at previous levels. Rather that choosing to settle for a £7 a week contribution until he can find a 'career' role is not on.

He has responsibilities, that simple fact that the mother of one of his child is able to pick up his slack in one household doesn't negate the need for him to do his level best to meet the responsibilities he has to his other child. It's just poor.

He's offered to have his child 50% of the time. This is him meeting his child's needs ffs.

I'll say it again - does only money count from a man then?

the mother of his child who is so poor she almost had to declare bankrupcy

The debt is because she insisted on 2 holidays a year and food shopping in Booth’s, after she had split with DP and was living on a part time min wage salary topped up with benefits.

@Howaboutanewname

If you are projecting because you haven’t got what you wanted from your ex then perhaps the reason for that is rooted in your own unreasonable behaviour

You know what, what I would like from my ex is that he put our children first but after 10 years of no maintenance on his part and plenty of partners willing to support that (and tell my children how I am to blame for everything from my mother’s dementia to a lack of world peace), I doubt it’s ever going to happen.

And personally, I don’t want anything at all from him but I do want my children to have a dad who cares enough about them to put them first. I don’t want my children confused and upset every week and for them to have to hear what a fucking lazy bitch I am (from a non working woman supported by my ex whilst I’m out there doing 3 jobs), or anything else. What they have had to put up with in the name of money is shameful and now they are old enough to vote with their feet he is confused as to their decisions to see him less and less. But that'll be my fault, eh?! Should have starved to death, perhaps, rather than managing despite their best efforts to see us in the gutter?!

But none of that applies to op does it? I'm sorry your ex is shit but it's not really comparable with what's happening here.

@NoHardSell

He's as bad. Hang onto your money op. Your loser partner will drag you down otherwise. No savings, doesn't pay his taxes properly, doesn't want a minimum wage job as it's not worth it once he's paid child support to the mother of his child who is so poor she almost had to declare bankrupcy. A prince amongst men. You keep your money. Thank god someone in your family is financially useful.

Why are you not slagging her off for not getting a better job then? Or is it just men that are losers for not earning more than min wage?

I'm sick and tired of the view that women look after kids and that's their contribution but that doesn't count if you're a man it only counts when it's cold hard cash.

his choice to cheat will NOT change my DC way of life

Sad isn’t it. DPs ex didn’t see it like that when she chose to have a fling, resulting in DP and her splitting up.

@OllyBJolly But if he was with the mum and on JSA then how could he contribute more to the household? It’s not as though the household he resides in will be rolling in it. He can’t give what he doesn’t have.

@TazSyd You can’t leave yourself short, however honourable you want to be. I say this as a (married) PWC and my husband pays maintenance to his ex.

And @TazSyd you don't seem to grasp that he is also responsible for childcare costs.

My disagreement with your position is not indicative of cognitive failure.

And @TazSyd* you don't seem to grasp that he is also responsible for childcare costs.

My disagreement with your position is not indicative of cognitive failure*

Yet you don’t realise that the CMS reduce maintenance if the NRP has the child to stay overnight? It’s a sliding scale going down to 0 maintenance, if the split is 50/50.

I don’t think you should top up maintenance from your wage, if it were me I’d put that into savings as there may be a time you need it. Whilst your DP has been made redundant, he may still pick up another job, so it could only be a couple of months that the maintenance payment is down. From what you said you are having dsd more so her costs at her mums home will be reduced slightly. If you as a household can afford to buy her clothes/shoes etc when she is staying with you then do that to share the financial burden as best you can. It’s unfortunate all round, but the times we are in at the moment are so so hard.

@PinkGinny

And *@TazSyd* you don't seem to grasp that he is also responsible for childcare costs.

My disagreement with your position is not indicative of cognitive failure.

He's not if he's offering 50/50 care?

Yes, there are savings in the family. They are mine. Are you suggesting that I give them to DPs ex?
No, you will be supporting your husband. He will be supporting his children.

The resentment for the ex is really coming across now, which is why I believe the decisions are also made thinking about her and her lifestyle rather than just sticking to his responsibilities.

You mentioned him looking for well paid job, not him looking for any work. Not all lie paid jobs are minimum wage. My teenager works for a supermarket and gets paid over the over 25yo minimum wage by a couple of pounds an hour.

You are clearly focusing on the negatives when it comes to looking for a job because doing so doesn't suit your family.

Saying all that, if you are indeed prepare to give £50 a month of your savings to him so he can continue to support his daughter whilst also continuing to look after his DD whilst he is off and her mother is working, it might be a reasonable compromise until September.

The resentment for the ex is really coming across now

Really. Just stating facts. She was unfaithful - this is why she is now a single mother. She decided that she would live beyond her means, on credit. You don’t think she should shoulder the responsibility for this? You think DP and I should shoulder the responsibility for her actions?

@dontdisturbmenow

Yes, there are savings in the family. They are mine. Are you suggesting that I give them to DPs ex? No, you will be supporting your husband. He will be supporting his children.

The resentment for the ex is really coming across now, which is why I believe the decisions are also made thinking about her and her lifestyle rather than just sticking to his responsibilities.

You mentioned him looking for well paid job, not him looking for any work. Not all lie paid jobs are minimum wage. My teenager works for a supermarket and gets paid over the over 25yo minimum wage by a couple of pounds an hour.

You are clearly focusing on the negatives when it comes to looking for a job because doing so doesn't suit your family.

Saying all that, if you are indeed prepare to give £50 a month of your savings to him so he can continue to support his daughter whilst also continuing to look after his DD whilst he is off and her mother is working, it might be a reasonable compromise until September.

Why are you ignoring the fact he's offered 50/50 care??????

Still waiting for someone to say the ex is a failure as a woman and as a mother if she doesn’t have emergency savings for just such an occasion as this.

You think DP and I should shoulder the responsibility for her actions?
You are not being asked to shoulder her responsibilities, just his. Her past and present situation has nothing to do with you. All that matters is HIS responsibilities.

Why are you ignoring the fact he's offered 50/50 care??????
Who says that this suits her? He could even offer to have the child ft and expect her to pay maintenance but that wasn't the arrangement agreed between them before, why should it now be agreed just because it suits him.

@giespeace

We have made sure that we can survive on one salary, if something like this happens. Survive is the word though. Going down to one salary means no luxuries or treats, for DD, me or DP. My savings are there for emergencies - car needs fixing etc.

Who says that this suits her? He could even offer to have the child ft and expect her to pay maintenance but that wasn't the arrangement agreed between them before, why should it now be agreed just because it suits him

Ah right so it doesn't matter what is best for the child, only what suits the mother. Got it.

So he can offer to fulfill his responsibility and she can refuse because "it doesn't suit her" and yet if a man did that there would be uproar.

He can't uphold the prev arrangement because he's going to lose his job. This isn't a choice. He has found another way to uphold his responsibility but he can't because wah wah mummy might not like it.

And yet men get slagged off for not spending enough time with their children. This one wants to, and it's no sorry you can't have your child more because I need the cash.

It's disgraceful.