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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Going back to normal after Covid?

42 replies

CBADotCom · 08/06/2020 10:15

Firstly, I know DP and I aren't married but for the sake of simplicity I will refer to DP, DSS, MIL etc.
Secondly there is a back story that I really dont want to go into.

Ok, so just to try and summarise:-

Been with DP for 6 years, I have 2 DS 14 & 18, he has 1 DS almost 13. DSS lives FT with DP at MIL/FIL (they have a huge house near a very good school) and has very little contact with his mother (she appears to be happy with this - hasn't seen him since Xmas and the only time she asked to see him then decided to go out and cancel at the last minute).
Prior to DSS moving with his Dad 2 years ago, DP was living with me however when DSS came to live with DP he didn't want to live here (various reasons) so they moved in with MIL/FIL and we've kinda muddled along for the last 2 years. It's not been easy. It's not the relationship I wanted and there have been times when I've questioned whether I want to live like this for who knows how long.

Cut to now - due to DP, MIL & FIL all being key/essential workers, DP & DSS have been staying with me more during Covid lockdown. Whilst DSS doesn't exactly need full time childcare, DP didn't want him being left at home on his own for 8-10 hours a day and as I'm WFH most of the time it seemed the easiest option. I dont have a problem with this, DSS initially wasn't happy but we've now settled into a routine of sorts and he's accepting of the situation. The constant asking when he's going to be able to stay at his Nans has subsided, he accepts he stays there when he's told and things are generally getting easier.

This is partly whats caused my issue - I really like DP being here more and I dont want to go back to how things were before - him staying here 2-4 nights a week sometimes with, sometimes without DSS (more with DSS during school hols). It's not possible for DSS to move in here once schools are back as he cant get to school from here. We cant move somewhere together as it's too expensive to purchase or rent a 4 bedroom property in this area. I cant move closer to MIL/FIL as then my sons couldn't get to school.

Is it unreasonable to consider him moving back in here at some point and DSS staying with MIL/PIL? DP has changed jobs so in theory DSS could stay here every Thurs - Sun or would that be too much disruption to school? DSS is almost 13 and a part of me thinks when he chose to live with his Dad he knew his Dad lived with me and then forced his Dad's hand because he didn't want to stay here. But another part of me thinks he's not yet 13 and his mum (although I'm sure she loves him) has been a bit crap with contact since he moved out so would he see this as his Dad also abandoning him? But then at what point, if ever, would DP be able to say to DSS - I'm moving back in with CBA, you're welcome to come, you're welcome to stay with MIL/PIL.
Whole situation is a mess really isn't it?

OP posts:
Twooter · 08/06/2020 10:20

Yes, it is unreasonable, sorry. Imagine how abandoned he’d feel.

Original poster
CBADotCom · 08/06/2020 10:28

@Twooter

Yes, it is unreasonable, sorry. Imagine how abandoned he’d feel.
Not disagreeing with you as that is why I asked - I genuinely want opinions as I'm torn too, but does this apply even though DSS was the one who decided he didn't want to live here?

And then, at what point/age does it become acceptable for DP and I to move in together?

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/06/2020 10:32

I don't think a child should dictate where his parent lives but at the same time it has to be workable in terms of getting to and from school. If that's not possible from your house then I don't think the scenario you're describing would work.

Where's the mum and why isn't she the resident parent?

IncrediblySadToo · 08/06/2020 10:37

Why did your DP allow his DS to dictate that he moved out from yours to his parents in the first place?

What does your DP want now?

Original poster
CBADotCom · 08/06/2020 10:42

@chocolatesaltyballs22

I don't think a child should dictate where his parent lives but at the same time it has to be workable in terms of getting to and from school. If that's not possible from your house then I don't think the scenario you're describing would work.

Where's the mum and why isn't she the resident parent?

School was only decided after DSS decided that he didn't want to live here. He was due to go to a school local to me but refused because he wanted to live with MIL/PIL. In theory, He could stay with MIL/PIL Sun eve - after school Thurs, DP pick him up and DP take him to school Fri. DP would also stay with him at MIL/PIL Sun eve so it would only be 3 eves a week school term time he wouldn't see him.

DSS mum moved out of the area. DSS didn't want to go with her. Said he wanted to stay with his Dad (his Dad was living with me at that time). Then once she moved and DSS was here and school etc was being sorted he decided he didn't want to live at my home and wanted to be at his Nan/Grandads instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
CBADotCom · 08/06/2020 10:47

@IncrediblySadToo

Why did your DP allow his DS to dictate that he moved out from yours to his parents in the first place?

What does your DP want now?

That is part of the complicated back story and DP deeply regrets allowing this decision to be made. His parents spoke to DSS about living with them before they cleared it with DP and DP felt everyone had backed him into a corner.

DP is torn - he wants to be there for his son but at the same time also wants to be able to have a proper FT relationship with me. There will eventually have to be point where, if DP wants to live with anyone he'll have to leave DSS with MIL/PIL (DSS will never move out of there through choice) - it's just when will there be a right time?

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/06/2020 10:47

I'm sorry but it sounds like the kid is calling far too many shots! Fair enough he wanted to live with dad rather than mum, but then he's not happy about where his dad lives?! He shouldn't be allowed to control things to that extent.

Original poster
CBADotCom · 08/06/2020 10:52

@chocolatesaltyballs22

I'm sorry but it sounds like the kid is calling far too many shots! Fair enough he wanted to live with dad rather than mum, but then he's not happy about where his dad lives?! He shouldn't be allowed to control things to that extent.
I agree and DP realises this too, unfortunately it's a bit too late now. Wouldn't be fair to pull DSS out of his school and make him start again elsewhere. We did look at moving to somewhere that was accessible for all our kids to get to school but it just wasn't affordable.
OP posts:
Magda72 · 08/06/2020 10:53

Hmmmm op - this is a very tricky one.
Have you spoken to your dp & if so how does he feel about things?
The lack of relationship with his dm must be very hard on your dss but it does sound like he has managed to get his needs met with respect to his df. Children can be very manipulative even in a subconscious way - that doesn't make them awful but I think it's something a lot of parents don't realise.
It sounds like your dss has been allowed dictate his relationships with all the adults in his life which is very misguided parenting from both his parents.

Original poster
CBADotCom · 08/06/2020 12:19

@Magda72

Hmmmm op - this is a very tricky one. Have you spoken to your dp & if so how does he feel about things? The lack of relationship with his dm must be very hard on your dss but it does sound like he has managed to get his needs met with respect to his df. Children can be very manipulative even in a subconscious way - that doesn't make them awful but I think it's something a lot of parents don't realise. It sounds like your dss has been allowed dictate his relationships with all the adults in his life which is very misguided parenting from both his parents.
DP understands how I feel but just doesn't know what to do for the best.

DSS doesn't appear to want a relationship with his mum - he makes no effort to contact her, didn't want to see her over Xmas (DP made him go over and stay there for a couple of nights) or on her birthday. She apparently calls/texts him but has stopped asking DP to take DSS over (she doesn't drive so cant get to him) and when DP has asked DSS he doesn't seem bothered about it at all and actually asks not to go over.

DSS has always wanted to live with DP at MIL/PIL and I cant really blame him. They are very comfortable so he has his own room with everything he needs/wants. As he's their youngest grandchild, they do everything for him, buy him anything he wants (to be fair, he doesn't actually ask for much), take him anywhere he wants to go. Which is part of the reason why DP is actually a little less inclined to move out - he's worried that if he's not there to provide some boundaries, DSS will be overly spoilt and get things even more his own way than he does already. (It's taken DP a long time to realise that putting rules and boundaries in place is not a bad thing and you cant give a child everything they want out of guilt)

The ideal would be a windfall so DP and I can move together with all the kids somewhere that all can get to school but thats not going to happen any time soon so what else can we do?

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 08/06/2020 12:22

Is it unreasonable to consider him moving back in here at some point and DSS staying with MIL/PIL?

You’re expecting your partner not to live with his child so he can live with you.

Repeat that to yourself as many times as you need to before you find the answer to your question.

Smallsteps88 · 08/06/2020 12:26

Perhaps your children could live with your parents or their other parent and you move in with DP.

IncrediblySadToo · 08/06/2020 12:27

It's a shame DP took such a long time to get to this point! However, it's not always easy to see it when you're in the middle of it! His parents really didn't help - they shouldn't have encouraged him to live there.

Anyway, you are where you are...

Would DO's parents be in a position/willing to help out with a deposit for a house in a suitable area?

Is it you/your kids DSS doesn't want to live with, or is it purely the material trappings & grandparent indulgence he's after?!

IncrediblySadToo · 08/06/2020 12:32

@Smallsteps88

Is it unreasonable to consider him moving back in here at some point and DSS staying with MIL/PIL?

You’re expecting your partner not to live with his child so he can live with you.

Repeat that to yourself as many times as you need to before you find the answer to your question.

Not exactly, your missing bits of the puzzle.

DP wants to live with @CBADotCom**

DSS could live there with his Dad

DSS (12) is currently dictating that his father lives with his parents, rather than as an adult with his partner.

Repeat that as many times as you need to

Rainycloudyday · 08/06/2020 12:37

To be honest I wouldn’t look twice at a man who was willing to leave his son to live at his parents, so that he could live at his girlfriend’s house with her kids. The fact that you want that to happen doesn’t reflect well on you though, so perhaps you’re a match made.

Poor child has already been abandoned by his mother. His father should put him first and if that isn’t compatable with a relationship and being a step father figure to other children, so be it.

Rainycloudyday · 08/06/2020 12:37

Oh and what @Smallsteps88 said. Yuck.

Rainycloudyday · 08/06/2020 12:39

@IncrediblySadToo so you think that a 12 year old who has already been abandoned by his mother should be forced to live with whoever his dad wants to shack up with, and to hell with his well-being? No wonder there are so many scarred and messed up kids around Sad

Original poster
CBADotCom · 08/06/2020 12:43

@Smallsteps88

Is it unreasonable to consider him moving back in here at some point and DSS staying with MIL/PIL?

You’re expecting your partner not to live with his child so he can live with you.

Repeat that to yourself as many times as you need to before you find the answer to your question.

I'm not expecting that at all! I'm asking that, given that DSS had the option to live with us all and refused, at would point would it be reasonable for DP to move out and live with me again? When DSS is 16? 18? 30? Never?

DSS will always be welcome here. I've made space within my home for him, he has his own things here and I would go out of my way to welcome him back if that is what he wanted but it's just not practical and not what he wants. So how long does DP allow a child to dictate his life?

OP posts:
Original poster
CBADotCom · 08/06/2020 12:48

@Rainycloudyday

To be honest I wouldn’t look twice at a man who was willing to leave his son to live at his parents, so that he could live at his girlfriend’s house with her kids. The fact that you want that to happen doesn’t reflect well on you though, so perhaps you’re a match made.

Poor child has already been abandoned by his mother. His father should put him first and if that isn’t compatable with a relationship and being a step father figure to other children, so be it.

DP was living here. DSS wasn't abandoned by his mother, she moved - he chose to live with DP (who was living with me). Once he'd moved to my home, he then decided actually he didn't want to live here after all and made his Dad move out so he could live with Grandparents.

No one has abandoned him (although I do accept that his mother could make more of an effort with contact).

I dont feel comfortable with the idea of DP moving back in here while his son stays at GP's but at the same time if the son is old enough to dictate where he lives then surely he is old enough to understand the situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
CBADotCom · 08/06/2020 12:57

@IncrediblySadToo

It's a shame DP took such a long time to get to this point! However, it's not always easy to see it when you're in the middle of it! His parents really didn't help - they shouldn't have encouraged him to live there.

Anyway, you are where you are...

Would DO's parents be in a position/willing to help out with a deposit for a house in a suitable area?

Is it you/your kids DSS doesn't want to live with, or is it purely the material trappings & grandparent indulgence he's after?!

Thank you for being understanding of the whole picture.

Unfortunately, a 3/4 bedroom in the only area that accessible for all kids to get to school is £500k plus so the monthly mortgage would be astronomical. Plus, I suspect IL's would not be too forthcoming as they like having DSS there (they still try and interfere e.g telling DSS he can stay there at times when DP has told them they're staying here).

Regarding DSS's living preference, I suspect it's mainly having his own room (we were going to partition the big bedroom here so he had his own space) plus the GP's indulgence. I think even if we could buy a place in a suitable area with his own room he would be very reluctant to move (although DP would now be more insistent).

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 08/06/2020 14:13

[quote Rainycloudyday]@IncrediblySadToo so you think that a 12 year old who has already been abandoned by his mother should be forced to live with whoever his dad wants to shack up with, and to hell with his well-being? No wonder there are so many scarred and messed up kids around Sad[/quote]
Oh give over. He was living with his Mum, his Dad was living with CBA (For SIX YEARS, not shackled up with a variety of randoms as you rudely suggest). His mum wanted to move so he decided he wanted to live with his Dad, then at the last minute PIL said he could live with them, so his Dad moved in there too.

He wasn't forced to live with anyone. He's a child that's called ALL of the shots.

Your post is spiteful & ridiculous.

Rainycloudyday · 08/06/2020 16:13

@IncrediblySadToo oh come on, it’s not remotely spiteful. I personally believe that this child will have been pretty scarred by his mother choosing to move away and barely see him. As a parent, my priority in that situation would be his stability and wellbeing. I think there are far too many parents who expect their kids to adapt seamlessly to blended family situations and it does them no good whatsoever. If believing that makes me ‘spiteful’ then so be it Hmm

Rainycloudyday · 08/06/2020 16:15

And if he was being unreasonable calling the shots then the father should never have moved him out of the Op’s home. For whatever reason he saw fit to do that. Either you’re a family or you’re not. Chopping and changing and moving back and forth is unsettling and wrong for a child. If the right thing was to remain in OP’s home as a blended family then why didn’t they do that?

aSofaNearYou · 08/06/2020 16:50

DP was living here. DSS wasn't abandoned by his mother, she moved - he chose to live with DP (who was living with me). Once he'd moved to my home, he then decided actually he didn't want to live here after all and made his Dad move out so he could live with Grandparents.

I think it was an absolutely crazy idea to go along with this in the first place, he has been given far too much power over the situation. It doesn't sound healthy him living with his grandparents either, if they are habitually undermining his father. It's hard to know what to suggest now that he is settled in his school in that area, but I do think the current set up is a terrible idea.

Smallsteps88 · 08/06/2020 17:15

DSS (12) is currently dictating that his father lives with his parents, rather than as an adult with his partner.

Is he dictating that he lives with his grandparents or is he just dictating that he doesnt live with OP?

If his father proposed the two of them living in their own place near to where they live now would the boy object?