Am I wrong to just want some time alone to grieve?

[RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven]

My father died two weeks today. He had been ill a long time and he was 88 but it was obviously still awful.

I asked DH whether we could just be alone and not have the SDC as planned last weekend. I wanted to be alone with just him and there were things to sort out. He told his ex this and she agreed.

She is now asking whether they will be coming next weekend. How do I explain to DH that it's too soon? She says they're asking. He's supporting me but I think is nervous of telling her it's too soon and she needs to understand. He's explained to the kids that I'm upset.

I feel bad he won't see them for a few weeks but I've lost my father. Any advice on helping her understand? They usually come one night a week in lockdown.

‘MN attracts a surprising number of people who like to bash stepmothers on a semi-professional basis it seems, and those posters are best ignored.’

A significant number of us are also experienced step mothers

RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven

I think those of us responding should take into account that the OP has posted:

I will look at counselling I think. I think it is bringing up all sorts of issues

I am sorry for your loss and I hope you do indeed seek counselling ASAP. Recognising that your unreasolved issues are making you respond inappropriately is a massive step. Your grief is appropriate but it is not appropriate to stop your step children from seeing their father one night per week because of your issues.

It is very important that you accept that the children's right to continue long established contact with their father is absolutely nothig to do with your DH "giving his ex wife a break". The children have a right to a night a week with thier father. It is nothing at all to do with what their mother wants, nor really what their father wants. The contact is for the children first and foremost, as it should be.

Lockdownsucks

It sounds to me like your using this situation to your advantage

I agree. It's like every weekend will be "no,I'm still grieving so they cant come'
It's totally unfair to the kids and their father.
Kind if ironic given op has lost her father and now doesn't want another father to see his own children
Blunt but true I suspect

I’m sorry for your loss OP but it sounds like you are being unfair on your DH and his children.

I lost my Mum before I even hit 30 a week to grieve would have been nice but DH had one day with me before he had to back to work and I had two days.

You are coming across as a bit selfish. You can’t stop your stepchildren seeing their own father in Father’s Day just because you can’t see yours. I know you’ve lost your dad and it hurts but you can’t expect the world to stop.

As for advice on helping the ex understand, I think your DH should just tell her that losing your father has been very hard and you're not ready. I don't think you have to go into detailed explanations to defend what are perfectly understandable feelings. Your feelings should just be respected. I don't know the ex's motivation maybe she wants the children to see their dad, maybe she just wants a break but if she is a reasonable adult she should see that this is one of those times in life that don't run to a schedule.

A significant number of us are also experienced step mothers

So am I!

I don't think you can be a serious poster expecting them to stay away from their father for more than a month as you've lost your dad. If you are then I hope you've realised how incredibly selfish you're being. Say hi to them and go to bed with a box set. It's one night out of 7! Grow up

Yes you are wrong. The kids need their dad. I do however worry for the atmosphere they will content with, coming into your home.

You sound very controlling and I have empathy for your poor husband.

It must be terrible losing a parent - but how can you use this to control him? Let him go spend time with them. Your issues should not impact on those poor two kids.

Op, my DF died in April. He was 81. My DH is working full time for the NHS. I am wfh and homeschooling two DCs. My kids understood that for a while I was a bit shocked and wobbly, but they needed me to carry on cooking meals, spending time with them, making them feel valued. I hardly ever get 'alone time' with my husband to catch up, let alone grieve.

Your husband isn't helping out his ex with childcare. He is their parent! If, god forbid, their DM died, they would be with you full time. Letting kids see grief is healthy. I just cannot fathom how lacking in insight you are to put your adult needs about your dead father, above their dependent and juvenile needs for regular contact with their living father. Please tell me you can see that their need for consistency trumps your desire for alone time with your husband.

Sorry for your loss OP but you are being unreasonable and a little selfish here.
Of course the dc want to see their dad and him them.
It's 1 night per week surely that's manageable even if a little difficult for you.
It's also not on dictating where he see's them, what's the issue of him visiting their house if it saves you having to see them when you don't really feel up to it. Unless his ex answers the door in stockings and suspenders every time he goes then I don't understand the big deal you are making of it - it's a solution to benefit you.
I agree with a PP - you will end up damaging your relationship with your DH if you insist on banning his dc.

I'm so sorry for your loss Op but you are being completely unreasonable expecting your DH to not see his own children for such an extended period.

He is their father, so he's not giving his ex a break, he's seeing his children and putting your needs above theirs is horribly selfish.

It's awful to expect them to not see him on Fathers Day either - I get you're grieving and I am very sorry for that but your treatment of the step children and expecting them to not see their dad is just terrible.

@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven

We have said we will see them soon at some point and that will be nice. They can text DH if they want still.

Thank you for understanding @TazSyd. I'm aware it's fathers day soon. I was thinking maybe they could come after that again. I don't want them here then it would be too awful.

You don’t want your SDC’s to see their father on father’s day? Because you miss yours?

I feel sick for your SDCs.

She tried to say that when her father died she carried on looking after them but I think it's different as they're her children.

And they are his children soon and they want to see him, I understand needing time but they need to see their father, he needs to see them too. You’ve already said they don’t do much while there so you can take the time you need while he is with his children.

Why can’t he go over there?!

You should not be with a man that has children.

I'm sorry about your loss. It's hard. My FIL died near the beginning of this lockdown and it's a rubbish time. We've since lost my nana through it too. its a really rubbish time for everyone going through deaths as nothing can happen as normal.

I understand it's a difficult time for you.

However, I do still think the children should be allowed to visit their father, and for their mother to have her time without them as well.

If they mainly sit playing games they're not really in the way. You can take time out by having a walk, a soak in the bath, time in your room. But you may also them being there a nice distraction too if you normally have a good relationship with them.

I think asking until after a Father's Day is too long personally. One or two weeks maybe, but over a month isn't fair to the children or your Dh I'm afraid.

How generous of you to allow them to keep texting their dad while you monopolise his company.

If you're looking to do lasting damage to their relationship with him as they are left hurt and baffled at being blocked out, then by all means, crack on.

You should not have married a man with children.

I think I understand better how they feel. I was really jealous as a child when my dad remarried

In that case, can you imagine what it would have been like if your stepmum stopped you from seeing your Dad on father's day, because she had a bereavement? At some point they will be back, and while it's hard, maybe getting a little bit of normal routine back into your life will help you to start moving forward.

I'm sorry for your loss.

You aren't wrong to feel that way, of course not. But it would be wrong to do it. The kids need their dad and he needs them. It might be hard but getting on with life is the way to healing, and kids are not optional, no matter what the circumstances. If you think you can't handle being around them, take yourself away to relax and pamper yourself, something nice for you. Condolences.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Do not have children with this man who is willing to just cancel contact. Those poor kids. He only has them one night a week as it is AND he is willing to cancel it two weeks running?

Grief makes us crazy so I'm not going to criticise you, he actions on the other hand are dreadful.

I was really jealous as a child when my dad remarried
@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven
Has your father's death brought bad memories back? Are you attempting to fix those feelings by making sure that this time the main man-your husband picks you?
I'm really sorry for your loss and although I understand that you are grieving I definitely feel that you are being very unfair to your husband's children.
As pp have said he's not helping his ex wife out, he's being a father.
Please get some professional help to deal with all your emotions.

So sorry for your loss. I would never keep them away from their Dad on Fathers Day though, it's not their fault. Hard as it is I would have them over this weekend as well as their life is very strange too with lockdown and I'm sure they need to see their Dad. It's so hard for you. Could they go out for a long walk with their Dad, or could he take them to the seaside or something so they're not under your feet the whole weekend?

Sometimes, having things to do can, lighten your mood,when you are lost in grief, wanting to be alone is quite normal,but not always the best thing.

It matters about the children, could you not speak to them personally,and tell them how you feel, and get their view on this situation,instead of adults deciding everything.

I am not sure why a couple of kids playing on computer games for an evening would be so awful. Maybe it will help take your mind off things having a change in the house.

btw I am a stepmother too and lost my dad when they were about that age. They just came round as normal and gave me a hug, as they were sad too. Dont worry about shedding tears with them there either.

Sorry for your loss, but 88year olds die! Someone of that age has had a full life. I think you need to have some perspective. You are being selfish with your husband’s time. There’s no reason why he can’t see his children just because you’re upset. No one is suggesting that you can’t be sad and grieve but it shouldn’t be impacting on your husband’s children.