I hung up on DP’s DD tonight

[SpongebobNoPants]

I have 2 DCs, including a DS who is 5 years old.
I bought some colouring hair conditioners for me and my DCs to have some fun with during lockdown, we all have blonde hair so the colours from these take really well on our hair but wash out after 3-4 washes. In case anyone is they’re a vegan product with no nasty chemicals in so no risk of damaging my DCs hair.

Today I coloured DS’s hair with an electric blue colour and he absolutely loves it. He thinks he is the coolest kid around and is convinced he looks like Sonic the Hedgehog
He wanted to FaceTime some friends and family to show them his hair, including my DP of 4 years who has his DD11 staying with him.

DP answered and said “Oh cool, let me show DD” and passed her the phone and she immediately said “Urggghhh! You look horrible! Your hair looks so gay!”

So I hung up.

A few minutes later I get a FaceTime call back off DP’s phone and when I answered it was DP’s DD.
She was very rude and demanded to know why I hung up so I calmly said
“Because you were being unkind and rude to DS so i hung up. Also it’s horrible and homophobic to use gay as insult so please don’t use that in front of me again”.

DP then took the phone from her and tried to resume a normal conversation for a few seconds before he hurriedly said he had to go and he’d call back later. He didn’t, which is fine as he’s got his DD there and should be spending time with her anyway. I think she may have got upset after I called out her rudeness.
I sent him a text to say goodnight and I’ve been ignored.
I suspect he’s a bit annoyed that I pulled his DD up on her unkind remarks to my DS.

She has form for saying awful things, being rude and being a bully at times and I never ever say anything unless it’s aimed at me or my DCs.

She’s not a tiny child, she is going to secondary school soon and is fully aware that she what she wasn’t nice (or ok to use a homophobic slur).

WIBU to hang up and later explain why I did to his DD?
I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong but I suspect I’ll have to defend myself tomorrow to DP.

I don't think you were unreasonable at all.
Wish I'd done that in similar (ish) situation.

I wouldn't have hung up. I would have said something though. It is very difficult to get kids to understand that 'gay' is an unacceptable insult because itvis so widely used.

This is an excellent video to show her when things have calmed down:

Don't blame you. Either hanging up or saying what you said when she called back were your options. I also think her dad should have immediately told her it was wrong to say that.

@Luzina I hung up because she was saying it directly to my 5 year old son, I wasn’t going to let her carry on bullying him so I cut her off.
He’s was so excited and happy and I didn’t want him upset.

@Butterymuffin I could hear him saying “What do you say to (son‘s name)” in the background so I think he was trying to encourage her to apologise whilst she was demanding in a very rude tone to know why I hung up

She sounds young and immature and you said your piece .
Don’t worry about it.

Whilst the remarks that the 11yo made were unacceptable, 11yos get stuff wrong. They aren’t adults, she’s a primary school kid, you cannot hold her behaviour up to the standard of an adult. She got it wrong and you came down on her heavily and probably made her feel crap. Maybe like you were in a headteacher type role, rather than a parent/step parent.

Whilst the content of what you said was broadly ok, I do think the tone that comes across is the sort of tone that would make her feel shit.

You demonstrated to your ds that he doesn't have to tolerate people being unkind or bullying towards him, and made it clear to your dp's dd that you weren't going to allow her to continue being horrible to your ds. I think you handled it fine, and your dp has a responsibility to parent his daughter in such a way as she understands why her behaviour was unacceptable.

Ok picking her up on the word Gay is fine, hanging up, is not showing her good role modelling is it.( I don,t like what you said so I,ll stone wall you although your an 11 year old child.) And I expect my brothers of sisters would have told me if they din,t like something I wore too. Your the adut she is a primary school child.

Yanbu. She is more than old enough to tell a white lie to spare his feelings never mind not use a homophobic insult.

@ekidmxcl I’m sure it did make her feel bad, as it does with every child when they’re told off.
I was 100% in a parent role when I said it, I was protecting my own child.
I wasn’t unkind towards her, I just let her know that saying those things to us was unacceptable and won’t be tolerated by me.

She’s got form for this sort of behaviour which I find difficult but today is the first time I’ve said anything as it was directed at my little DS.

She often uses disablist remarks too which DP and I have explained are offensive. I’m sometimes absolutely appalled at the things she says or things thinks are funny. It’s not my place to parent her unfortunately but I will set my own clear boundaries on what I will personally tolerate if it’s directed towards me or my DCs.

hanging up, is not showing her good role modelling is it
I disagree, showing my son he doesn’t have to accept bullying remarks and cut her off because she could continue with insults is good role modelling for both my DCs

@june2007 to be clear I wasn’t stonewalling her, I hung up so my DS wouldn’t get upset as she was being horrible to him. My concern and intention were not to punish her, my concern was my own child’s happiness

Shes 11.

You were right to pull her up on her behaviour. However hanging up on her was not on.

My DS’s face crumpled when she was insulting him, I don’t see why he should have to tolerate that to save the feelings of a much older child who was being unkind to him.
Would you have let her carry on then and stayed on the phone?

She was talking directly to my son when she was saying those things and he looked so upset

hanging up, is not showing her good role modelling is it

It's the equivalent of leaving the room if she'd said it in person. The fact that she asked you why you hung up shows that her Dad didn't tell her that she'd done something extremely unacceptable

Do you only want corroboration?

I don't think hanging up on her is so bad. If someone is horrible you have a choice to argue back or remove yourself from the situation. Given that one participant was only 5yo it doesn't seem like risking escalation was the best idea so OP removed them.

If the 5yo hadn't been present then hanging up would have been excessive. But 11 is old enough to know how to be polite to a younger child even if you think they look ridiculous.

I don’t understand why her feelings seem to be more important than the child she was being next to
I wasn’t unkind to her, I just cut the conversation off so she couldn’t continue making a much younger child upset

@ProseccoBubbleFantasies no I wouldn’t have posted if that was the case. How would you have handled that differently?

That is a disgusting comment. I’m glad you removed your ds from that situation when he was so happy and excited.

YANBU and you did the right thing. Likely if you stayed on the call and tried to admonish her, she would have only keep pushing and would have worsened her language and behaviour. I don't blame you at all.

I think it would have been better to pull her up on it immediately instead of hanging up.

I don't think what you did was awful though.

@Fruitytootie but I don’t normally “parent” her. I’m her dad’s DP not her parent so I don’t really feel it’s my place to tell her off IYSWIM.
Plus I didn’t really want to make it into a big deal in front of my DS as he was having such a nice time until she spoke to him like that and if I’m sure if I’d said something right then it would have dragged on. I didn’t really want to reprimand her and would have dropped it had she not called me back and spoken so rudely to me demanding to know why I’d hung up