I hung up on DP’s DD tonight

[SpongebobNoPants]

I have 2 DCs, including a DS who is 5 years old.
I bought some colouring hair conditioners for me and my DCs to have some fun with during lockdown, we all have blonde hair so the colours from these take really well on our hair but wash out after 3-4 washes. In case anyone is they’re a vegan product with no nasty chemicals in so no risk of damaging my DCs hair.

Today I coloured DS’s hair with an electric blue colour and he absolutely loves it. He thinks he is the coolest kid around and is convinced he looks like Sonic the Hedgehog
He wanted to FaceTime some friends and family to show them his hair, including my DP of 4 years who has his DD11 staying with him.

DP answered and said “Oh cool, let me show DD” and passed her the phone and she immediately said “Urggghhh! You look horrible! Your hair looks so gay!”

So I hung up.

A few minutes later I get a FaceTime call back off DP’s phone and when I answered it was DP’s DD.
She was very rude and demanded to know why I hung up so I calmly said
“Because you were being unkind and rude to DS so i hung up. Also it’s horrible and homophobic to use gay as insult so please don’t use that in front of me again”.

DP then took the phone from her and tried to resume a normal conversation for a few seconds before he hurriedly said he had to go and he’d call back later. He didn’t, which is fine as he’s got his DD there and should be spending time with her anyway. I think she may have got upset after I called out her rudeness.
I sent him a text to say goodnight and I’ve been ignored.
I suspect he’s a bit annoyed that I pulled his DD up on her unkind remarks to my DS.

She has form for saying awful things, being rude and being a bully at times and I never ever say anything unless it’s aimed at me or my DCs.

She’s not a tiny child, she is going to secondary school soon and is fully aware that she what she wasn’t nice (or ok to use a homophobic slur).

WIBU to hang up and later explain why I did to his DD?
I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong but I suspect I’ll have to defend myself tomorrow to DP.

I don't blame you. But she is jealous of you having fun. You've said your bit, now forgive and forget and move on. She needs reassurance.

You did the right thing. Very reasonable.

Most schools teach children that bullying is unkind behaviour which is deliberate and repeated

By definition, bullying is not a single, isolated comment

This is not an isolated incident and it is not just one comment. This is simply what happened today. There have been many many targeted unkind comments and actions. It used to be aimed at my DD which has stopped because my DD grew physically bigger and is a lot more outspoken than my DS so she’s stand up for herself to DP’s DD.

Prime example, DD got a new bike for her birthday and DP’s DD said “The colour is ugly, it looks like your mum bought you a cheap bike”.
My DD replied “That was rude. I love it and you’re in a foul mood today so I’m going”.
I’ve witnessed it many times.

Her attentions only recently have turned to DS (much smaller, younger target perhaps?). It seemed to coincide with him starting school in September.
He’s quite quiet and shy in comparison to his sister and much more sensitive. So last night when she started to be mean to him I wanted to cut it off to protect him. I’ll be honest, I gave no thought to DP’s DD’s feelings. My sole concern was my DS who looked crestfallen and sad.

I’ll understand your point of view that I shouldn’t have hung up, but my first concern was my upset child, not the child who was insulting him which is a normal parenting reaction. I just wanted to cut it off before she carried on, because past experience has shown me that she would have kept going and going.

I have never heard my DP use language like that before (otherwise he’d be an exDP) and I’ve seen how he’s reacted to it in the past incidents, so I can only assume she’s learning it either at her mother’s house or at school.

Prime example, DD got a new bike for her birthday and DP’s DD said “The colour is ugly, it looks like your mum bought you a cheap bike”.
My DD replied “That was rude. I love it and you’re in a foul mood today so I’m going”.
I’ve witnessed it many times.

I love that response from your DD

Also the “your hair looks so gay” comment wasn’t about gay pride or any other potential pleasantries I can assure you. It was said with disdain not laughing or normal sibling teasing. I have 2 DCs and I’m used to them teasing each other or making fun of each other so it’s not like I don’t know what “normal sibling teasing” looks like. I also have a DD the same age.

DP’s DD uses gay, faggot, fudge packer, bum boy etc all as insults. She is fully aware of what they mean.

I've read all of your updates. She's unhappy, and probably very jealous of your DC.

It's not an excuse for her to be so unpleasant to your children, so definitely continue to pull her up on it, but I wonder if you and your partner need to have a chat about this. Not really sure what you can do as you aren't the parent, but your partner and his ex may need to address this.

@funinthesun19 she’s very resilient

@funinthesun19 she’s very resilient

Good I’m glad That response was very mature and straight to the point.

She's unhappy, and probably very jealous of your DC
Perhaps, although I won’t allow her to be cruel to my DCs to satisfy some unkind some urge towards them.
This isn’t solely targeted at my DCs as I’ve previously stated, there are many other examples of her behaviour towards other children. If it was just my DCs it would make it easier to tackle in a way, because we could focus on making all of our children happy and getting them to bond.

DP’s DD (believe it or not) can be really lovely, it’s just this spiteful insulting streak which comes out every now and then that I’m finding so hard to deal with. And I won’t let her target my DCs.

I think it would have been better to pull her up on it immediately instead of hanging up.

^ I agree.

That would have protected your DS whilst showing him how to challenge people and also a better way of responding to an 11 yo who is still learning.

Perhaps, although I won’t allow her to be cruel to my DCs to satisfy some unkind some urge towards them.

You certainly shouldn't! I think maybe I was unclear in my previous post - you definitely shouldn't allow her to behave like this towards your children. I was just mentioning that she sounds very unhappy, and it may be useful to tr yh and deal with that. As I also mentioned in my previous post, it's quite difficult for you to do much about that as you aren't the parent. That's something that your partner and his ex would need to tackle.

In answer to your original question, no, i don't think YABU to have hung up on her. Don't let her speak to your 5 year old son like that.

I think you did absolutely the right thing.

She has to learn if she is rude to people, they wont want to speak to her.

DP rang just now. He’s very apologetic and said he’s sorry about his DD’s behaviour last night, she had apparently been in a foul mood from the moment he picked her up. He said he’s spoken to her about it and last night he took away her phone and iPad as punishment and explained to her that she may get them back later depending on her behaviour.
He also said he spoke to her about using “gay” as an insult and how offensive it is. He asked her “Would you call XX those names or use them in front of him?” (XX is my brother, who all the kids love and is gay)
He said she looks sheepish and this and said no. So he pointed out that she knew it was an unpleasant thing to say and to think more carefully about the language she uses.

I also spoke to DP about my own personal boundaries and said I never interfere with his parenting but recently she’s been crossing the line over what is acceptable behaviour both in front of and towards me and my DCs.
I said will pull her up time and time again now if I hear her say things like that because I’m not going to tolerate it, if he’s not ok with me doing that then maybe we should avoid the kids mixing.
He said he’s fine with that and totally agrees.

So all in all, I’d say that’s a success.

Ffs it’s not for the OP to teach the girl anything 🙄

She did the right thing to protect HER 5 YEAR OLD!

It’s now her DPs job to teach HIS CHILD that if you are nasty to people they have every right to walk away either literally or metaphorically. Equally a parent has every right to remove their child from a situation in which the child is at risk of being needlessly upset by a spiteful 11 year old.

Educating that 11 year old is HER parent’s job!

Well done op. Good outcome 👍😁

You were SPOT ON OP. Well done for protecting your DS from bullies.

I'm honestly not saying this for dramatic effect, I genuinely would break up with a partner for that. Regardless of his reaction and how she is disciplined, the fact that this is not the first time she has behaved in that way in general, shows her character and the fact that the discipline & guidance she is receiving from both her parents simply is not enough and is not working. For me, any relationship from that point onwards, just wouldn't work.
I could not continue to have my child around them. I would also find myself resenting him

You are a better person than me, I would stop all contact between children given her history of behaviour.

The 11 year old in DS1's class who has been bullying my son on and off for years has finally stopped. Just before Christmas school rang me to say he had been calling my son a racial slur (my children are mixed race).

After talking to my husband and son we made a decision that we would contact the police each and every time it happened again. Racial abuse is a crime and they are over the age of criminal responsibility. I asked the school to let the family know this was our intention, this seems to have put a stop to years of shitty behaviour.

YANBU, but in future I would avoid calling them in moments like that if she routinely tries to spoil them. I'd just say they're busy.

@SpongebobNoPants you’re doing such a good job here with your kids and your partner. I’d suggest to your partner it may be time for therapy for his daughter. There’s something about her behaviour that needs to be corrected.

For example: the fact that she goes straight for extremely offensive adult level slurs whenever she’s angry could be an indicator of something under the surface. That may be anger issues, the inability to express her emotions or even just plain old pathology of wanting to see other people hurt for her benefit. She could also be subject to bullying herself and is turning and using that language with your families. Something’s off here. I’d ask for it to be professionally addressed.

Good in you for pulling her up on it.

My niece has always been known and encouraged to speak her mind, it was always shrugged off. Her parents were roll their eyes and say 'kids' she knew what she was doing, it was as tho she was testing the waters to see what she could get away with and no one ever said anything.

She's a teenager now and her parents are going through absolute hell, solely because teachers and the rest of society won't roll their eyes and say 'kids eh ' ? When they've been on the recieving end of cruel words.

Let your dp sulk, but he's doing his child a massive disservice by not being on top of that behaviour and stamping it out like wack a mole.

but my first concern was my upset child, not the child who was insulting him
It's good you were able to talk to your DP and feel you have a common approach going forward but I was struck by your comment above. Your DP's DD isn't just another child. There's a step-parenting and step-sibling dynamic that needs worked on and if DP's DD is an only child, she will take time to adjust to having two step-siblings and working out how to interact with them.

YABU. You’re an adult and she’s a child. You sound immature and unable to deal with situations without getting in a strop and flouncing off. Get a grip

YABU. You’re an adult and she’s a child. You sound immature and unable to deal with situations without getting in a strop and flouncing off. Get a grip

The fact is, she insulted the op’s 5 year old son and she was protecting him and his feelings. She was not in a strop, she was ending the situation so that her son didn’t have to feel humiliated and hurt while on FaceTime. How is that immature?

@Naaamechangedofcourse I didn’t get in a strop or “flounce” off. I hung up to spare my own child the upset of being spoken to like that.
I certainly didn’t strop and I would have left it had she not been a rude madam when she called back and not letting it drop.

@SpongebobNoPants ignore the nutters. :)