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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I hung up on DP’s DD tonight

131 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 15/05/2020 23:25

I have 2 DCs, including a DS who is 5 years old.
I bought some colouring hair conditioners for me and my DCs to have some fun with during lockdown, we all have blonde hair so the colours from these take really well on our hair but wash out after 3-4 washes. In case anyone is they’re a vegan product with no nasty chemicals in so no risk of damaging my DCs hair.

Today I coloured DS’s hair with an electric blue colour and he absolutely loves it. He thinks he is the coolest kid around and is convinced he looks like Sonic the Hedgehog
He wanted to FaceTime some friends and family to show them his hair, including my DP of 4 years who has his DD11 staying with him.

DP answered and said “Oh cool, let me show DD” and passed her the phone and she immediately said “Urggghhh! You look horrible! Your hair looks so gay!”

So I hung up.

A few minutes later I get a FaceTime call back off DP’s phone and when I answered it was DP’s DD.
She was very rude and demanded to know why I hung up so I calmly said
“Because you were being unkind and rude to DS so i hung up. Also it’s horrible and homophobic to use gay as insult so please don’t use that in front of me again”.

DP then took the phone from her and tried to resume a normal conversation for a few seconds before he hurriedly said he had to go and he’d call back later. He didn’t, which is fine as he’s got his DD there and should be spending time with her anyway. I think she may have got upset after I called out her rudeness.
I sent him a text to say goodnight and I’ve been ignored.
I suspect he’s a bit annoyed that I pulled his DD up on her unkind remarks to my DS.

She has form for saying awful things, being rude and being a bully at times and I never ever say anything unless it’s aimed at me or my DCs.

She’s not a tiny child, she is going to secondary school soon and is fully aware that she what she wasn’t nice (or ok to use a homophobic slur).

WIBU to hang up and later explain why I did to his DD?
I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong but I suspect I’ll have to defend myself tomorrow to DP.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PinkCrayon · 16/05/2020 06:46

I think you were right to hang up on her. You showed your ds how he never has to tolerate bullying. You removed him from the situation. Her behaviour was totally unacceptable towards a 5 year old and the fact your dp hasnt made her apologise would put me off.

userabcname · 16/05/2020 06:48

Actually I think hanging up was very good role modelling for your DS. When someone is being mean, walk away/ hang up / stop engaging. So many people seem to think calmly engaging with bullies and explaining why they are wrong will stop them. Of course it won't! It might when it's an adult talking to a child but for the OP's DS taking that approach - he'd get laughed at/mocked even more. Equally, yes it's rude to hang up on someone but it's worse to insult someone using homophobic slurs. If she doesn't want people to be rude to her, she needs to treat them respectfully. It's a good life lesson.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 16/05/2020 06:50

Yep, you do seem to only want corroboration.

If you are in the presence of anyone, child, adult or in between it is absolutely fine to pick them up on disgusting disablist behaviour so I hope you did that on that occasion in the park?

Your dp seems to have the arse with you now. Perhaps it's time for you to have an honest conversation with him about his dd's more unkind side and what is he doing to help her grow out of it.

supermanisdead · 16/05/2020 06:56

What kind of adult puts the phone down on an eleven year old?

You handled this really badly. I'm not surprised your partner is angry.

It shows up your poor relationship with her.

I really feel sorry for her. She's eleven, she made a mistake. Poor girl.

CurlyEndive · 16/05/2020 07:08

I think you did the right thing OP.

Rainycloudyday · 16/05/2020 07:27

You did absolutely the right thing OP in standing up to what sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant child. All the posters saying you shouldn’t have hung up are probably the types who would give their almost secondary age child a cuddle and a gentle chat about feelings after slinging homophobic insults Children need clear boundaries and discipline and I’m shocked at her behaviour in the park particularly. I would personally be questioning having a child like that in my children’s lives and would be questioning the relationship with her father unless he’s clearly doing everything he can to deal with the behaviour. If my child did what she did in the park I would have gone nuclear, instantly packed up and headed home and found some kind of service for the child to complete to help do something for a charity for people with disabilities as a way of apologising. Did he come close to cracking down on the behaviour in that way?

This is Mumsnet so you’re not allowed to state the fact that some children are actually very unpleasant, whether it’s their nature or bad parenting. You have done absolutely the right thing in showing your son to walk away (in this case virtually) from nasty bullying behaviour and now you need to think hard about exposing him to that kind of thing for the rest of his childhood every time he sees this girl.

Rainycloudyday · 16/05/2020 07:28

I really feel sorry for her. She's eleven, she made a mistake. Poor girl.

And this kind of wet pandering is exactly why a nearly teenage girl is slinging homophobic insults at a small child and imitating disabled children in parks

okiedokieme · 16/05/2020 07:29

Hanging

PlanDeRaccordement · 16/05/2020 07:30

First, the DD was exhibiting normal sibling behaviour by pulling your DS leg with the “you look horrible” You can’t diagnose “bullying” from the first and only sentence out of her mouth. I would have waited to see how the conversation went before assuming the absolute worst.

I think a talk about what she meant by saying “that’s so gay” was warranted before assuming it was a homophobic slur. After all rainbow hair (hair dyed in vivid colours) is a gay pride symbol and you might have the wrong end of the stick. My gay DD came out at 11 and she used that expression frequently as a descriptor with her friends when someone adopted dress/hair associated with being gay...not as a slur. To her and her also gay friends, it was important to dress/appear as gay because that was part of their emerging identity. Kids today use language very differently from even ten years ago.

Second, you were horribly rude by simply hanging up on a child and then stonewalling her and acting like she is dead to you. Some allowance should be made for her age and immaturity. It’s extremely intolerant to act in such a way to a child.

1066vegan · 16/05/2020 07:31

YNBU to feel angry and protective.
YBU to hang up.

It would have been better to have firmly told her that it was extremely unkind to laugh at a much younger child and also tell her that the word gay shouldn't be used as an insult because it's homophobic.

Then I would have paused to give her time to react. If she apologised to your ds then the conversation could have carried on. If she started making excuses then you could have behaved like an adult and politely told her that you were going to end the conversation. That would have been a better point at which to hang up.

You would still have been sticking up for your son and still showing him that he doesn't have to tolerate unkind behaviour.

Btw, although she was extremely unkind and her behaviour was totally unacceptable, she wasn't bullying him. Most schools teach children that bullying is unkind behaviour which is deliberate and repeated. This helps them to distinguish between the times when they have fallen out with another child and that child has said something unkind or done something to hurt them and actual bullying. A single incident, while still needing to be dealt with, can't in itself be considered bullying.

SocialifeofHotWaterBottle · 16/05/2020 07:33

I don't think you did anything wrong and sometimes you do things instinctively. Why would you allow the bullying and name calling to go on a second longer than you had to. DP should have given her good talking to as well.

JudyCoolibar · 16/05/2020 07:34

However hanging up on her was not on.

Nonsense. It was a completely proportionate, sensible way of dealing with the situation. It showed her, quickly and effectively that bullying a younger child is not acceptable.

Alittleshortforaspacepooper · 16/05/2020 07:38

I don't know if hanging up on them was "right", but her behaviour was appalling and since her father didn't step in you needed to do something. I may well have hung up on her as well if I was in that situation.

She owes your son an apology. Be very firm about that.

R2519 · 16/05/2020 07:44

You did jothing wrong OP. We are told if we don't like something to walk away. You ended the conversation so its the same thing really.

If you DP doesnt acknowledge you after this then I would reconsider things with him.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 16/05/2020 07:46

Having gay family members that they love doesn't stop 11-yr-olds using it as an insult.
I think there was an opportunity to teach your SDD and your DS but you threw it away when you hung up the phone.
You didn't teach your DS how to handle bullying because you reacted emotionally. You didn't show resilience or calm. Instead you pulled rank in a way a 5-yr-old can't emulate and turned the issue into you hanging up rather than your SDD's behaviour. I'd recommend reading 'How To Talk' and 'Get Out of My Life'.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2020 08:13

I also don’t think you should have hung up on her. She and your ds didn’t learn anything from that interaction beyond her being shut down. She sounds needy. Shutting her down is going to increase her anxiety and need.

You don’t have to parent, her. However, if you want to have a relationship with her df, you have to work out a way to treat her as an individual and deal effectively with her neediness / inappropriate behaviour without exacerbating it further.

You say your dd would not have said this in the first place. Therefore, you would not have had a need to treat your dd in this way in the first place. Instantly, to this 11 yo, you are treating her differently from how you treat your 11 yo. This will further feed into her fears, whatever they may be, that there is a them and a her on the outside.

If your dp hasn’t responded, perhaps it is precisely for this reason. Despite him knowing his dd is in the wrong, he cannot sit back and watch while his dds mental health is being affected.

bigvig · 16/05/2020 08:14

I don't think you behaved badly. However I do think you should have explained how you felt and given her a chance to apologise first. She probably wouldn't have apologised but by giving her a chance it may have hit home a little more how unacceptable her behaviour was. Now she'll probably just feel like you don't like her.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2020 08:41

I really feel sorry for her. She's eleven, she made a mistake. Poor girl.

Why do you feel sorry for her? Do you always feel sorry for bullies?

PlanDeRaccordement · 16/05/2020 08:46

I think there was an opportunity to teach your SDD and your DS but you threw it away when you hung up the phone.

Agree. It was a teaching moment. I would have waited for at least sentences 2-4 to come out her mouth to see if it was just sibling teasing first before acting. If it was just a bit of teasing that then went into a nice conversation, I would have had a quick private word with DP to have a chat with SD about the “gay” comment. If the conversation truly was horrible, I would have stepped in and said to DSD “that’s enough” and “there’s friendly ribbing but you’ve gotten a bit rude now, please stop and apologise to DS here or we are going to end the video chat.”

PlanDeRaccordement · 16/05/2020 08:49

Do you always feel sorry for bullies?

By definition, bullying is not a single, isolated comment. There is zero evidence that DSD is a bully. And labelling an 11yr old child a “bully” for one comment that could have been friendly leg pulling is just plain nasty.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2020 08:51

*Now she’ll probably just feel like you don’t like her.” ie zero positive learning. I wouldn’t allow my child to associate with people, whose reactions make her feel that way however wrong her behaviour was.

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 16/05/2020 08:51

If my 11 year old used homophobic and disablist language I would hope that if someone heard they would tell them off.
We have to show our children it’s not acceptable. Even if she’s heard it from someone else at school and is showing off she still needs to learn she can’t say it.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2020 08:54

Ok, I will rephrase the question to the pp:

Do you always feel sorry for children who have been really horrible?

There, no bully label. Still makes the same point.

Annaminna · 16/05/2020 09:15

You can use the "bully" label because she is a bully and already in such a young age!
And she is a bully to younger child and openly.
How horrible!

Annaminna · 16/05/2020 09:19

I suspect I’ll have to defend myself tomorrow to DP.

Oh no, opposite! In your shoes, I would give him a pice of my mind. Your DP ows an apologie to you and your son. His DD is out of order.

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