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Original poster

I hung up on DP’s DD tonight

131 replies

SpongebobNoPants · 15/05/2020 23:25

I have 2 DCs, including a DS who is 5 years old.
I bought some colouring hair conditioners for me and my DCs to have some fun with during lockdown, we all have blonde hair so the colours from these take really well on our hair but wash out after 3-4 washes. In case anyone is they’re a vegan product with no nasty chemicals in so no risk of damaging my DCs hair.

Today I coloured DS’s hair with an electric blue colour and he absolutely loves it. He thinks he is the coolest kid around and is convinced he looks like Sonic the Hedgehog Grin
He wanted to FaceTime some friends and family to show them his hair, including my DP of 4 years who has his DD11 staying with him.

DP answered and said “Oh cool, let me show DD” and passed her the phone and she immediately said “Urggghhh! You look horrible! Your hair looks so gay!”

So I hung up.

A few minutes later I get a FaceTime call back off DP’s phone and when I answered it was DP’s DD.
She was very rude and demanded to know why I hung up so I calmly said
“Because you were being unkind and rude to DS so i hung up. Also it’s horrible and homophobic to use gay as insult so please don’t use that in front of me again”.

DP then took the phone from her and tried to resume a normal conversation for a few seconds before he hurriedly said he had to go and he’d call back later. He didn’t, which is fine as he’s got his DD there and should be spending time with her anyway. I think she may have got upset after I called out her rudeness.
I sent him a text to say goodnight and I’ve been ignored.
I suspect he’s a bit annoyed that I pulled his DD up on her unkind remarks to my DS.

She has form for saying awful things, being rude and being a bully at times and I never ever say anything unless it’s aimed at me or my DCs.

She’s not a tiny child, she is going to secondary school soon and is fully aware that she what she wasn’t nice (or ok to use a homophobic slur).

WIBU to hang up and later explain why I did to his DD?
I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong but I suspect I’ll have to defend myself tomorrow to DP.

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timeisnotaline · 16/05/2020 00:39

I think it was probably the right thing if the op thinks that interrupting to say we don’t talk like that and we are never horrible to people, especially younger people, wouldn’t have worked. The 5 year old needed that conversation stopped.

I would be cross if dp had a go at me. I’d ask him what he thinks should be done, as if it were a friend of the dcs or a friends child, it would be quite simple - they aren’t coming back to my house.

Nitpickpicnic · 16/05/2020 00:40

Don’t engage with your DP over this. You didn’t do anything knee-jerk, or in a mood. It was a parenting decision, centred on your son. You’d have acted the same way had anyone been insulting him. You weren’t parenting her. If your DP brings it up, you could ask him to look to his parenting decisions, as you do yours.

Disciplining or explaining or teaching his DD to watch her language is a key protective measure that good parents do to ensure their teens can interact happily in the outside world of friendships, higher ed, work and generally being an asset in society. Tell him you’re shocked he’s willing to let her be excluded and looked down on for her attitudes and language. Cos that’s what’s coming next. It’ll affect her success, no matter how you define it.

The way I see it, you seem to be the only adult concerned for her future. You certainly don’t need to apologise or explain that!

Twooter · 16/05/2020 00:43

Yanbu

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/05/2020 00:44

What would you have done if your daughter had said it? Hanging up doesn’t teach her anything. You need to call out her rude comments there and then and give her a choice to either apologise or you hang up.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 16/05/2020 00:47

She's a primary school child. You don't sound you like her very much in general, if I'm being brutally honest. Maybe there's very good reasons for that but she's still a child, and your DP's daughter.

There's other ways you could have protected your DS rather than instantly hanging up on her. I don't think that's an appropriate way to interact with a child - which is borne out by the fact she rang back and didn't have a clue why you hung up on her. I think you should have at least tried to cut in and explain, plus give her a warning that if she repeated the language you'd hang up.

Btw, I bet your son's hair looks fab!

Veterinari · 16/05/2020 00:49

It's not the OP's job to parent or correct her DP's child. It IS her job to protect her own child from unkindness and bullying.

Hanging up achieves exactly that. She protected her own child, sent a clear message that homophobic slurs won't be tolerated, and it's up to her D.P. to parent his own child and discuss why such language is unacceptable.

totallyoverthisbullshit · 16/05/2020 01:01

Hang up on the little madam! Hopefully, she feels embarrassed! It's no different than walking out a room. Why on earth would you continue a conversation to further upset your son?

This would be a deal-breaker for me, OP. She's not sprouted with that kind of language and those lack of boundaries. He's contributed to that and the fact he did not give her a bollocking and make her apologise speaks wonders about his character.

totallyoverthisbullshit · 16/05/2020 01:02

It shouldn't be up to you to chastise bullying and homophobic language - that's her parents' job and at eleven years old the fact she doesn't understand why that language is wrong means that they've failed her.

Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 16/05/2020 01:08

@GrumpyHoonMain if it was my DD (who is coincidentally the same age as DP’s DD) I would have gone nuclear for using that language and for being a bully. But she’s my child and it’s my place to teach her right from wrong and to discipline her.
Although she wouldn’t use “gay” as an insult as we have gay family members who she is very close to and she loves them very much.

@ExhaustedFlamingo I don’t think I was very clear before, she wasn’t confused as to why I hung up, she was demanding to know why I had hung up in the sense “how dare you hang up on me”, he de her rude tone. It was very much an entitled demand, as in “explain yourself to me!”
Not because she didn’t know why.

If I’m honest I don’t dislike her, but I dislike a lot of her actions because they can often be unkind or inappropriate. The last time we all went out before lockdown she was mocking and doing impressions of a child with Downs Syndrome we saw at the park. That sort of behaviour is disgusting and very unlikeable

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 16/05/2020 01:09

*hence her rude tone

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongebobNoPants · 16/05/2020 01:14

the fact he did not give her a bollocking and make her apologise speaks wonders about his character
He would definitely have given her a bollocking, I have no doubt that he’s probably spent most of the evening disciplining her after that. He’s not ok with her behaving like that at all, if he was I wouldn’t speak to him at all.
He looked mortified when he grabbed the phone off her after I’d explained why I’d hung up.

OP posts:
Astella22 · 16/05/2020 01:35

I would do the exact same OP. My reaction would of been one of complete shock so I’d of needed to remove myself from the situation immediately to gather a measured response which you did when ur DP called back.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2020 01:40

Hanging up is absolutely fine. I agree that challenging her is also fine.

Hanging up signals to DS that one doesn't have to continue to engage with homophobes and bullies. One can just exit without an apology. It also signals to her that you are withdrawing attention from her attention-seeking, unpleasant behaviour. She does it to get a reaction. Hanging up removes that.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 16/05/2020 01:43

Good for you, OP. Maybe if her parents stopped giving her attention when she bagged like a brat, then she wouldn’t behave like that to a much younger child.

You were right not to get into an explanation or argument with her, in front of your son. The five year was the priority.

funinthesun19 · 16/05/2020 01:43

Good! I’m glad you put her straight. Your DS was happy and excited and she was extremely rude and nasty. Your DS will be comforted by the fact you stuck up for him.

I understand why you put the phone down on her. It was a reaction to remove your DS from the situation and to protect him before she said something else. I totally get it.
I’m so glad she rang you back though so you were able to tell her how mean and hurtful her words were. If your DP is in a huff then leave him to it. You’ve done nothing wrong.

EmbarrassedWoman · 16/05/2020 01:54

Op you handled the situation very well. Better than i would have!
I hope your wee man is okay and still loves his sonic hair. Smile

Ilovecats14 · 16/05/2020 02:37

You did the right thing. Hopefully he had words with her too.

justilou1 · 16/05/2020 04:45

Good for you! I’m not a SM, but a lot of my friends are step parents and they tell me that when it comes to disciplining stepkids, they simply can’t win. I think you empowered yourself to express yourself in the only way you possibly could AND you stood up for your own child! Parenting gold star for you!!! She sounds like she has really big issues and needs some in-depth counselling. She is looking for attention in the wrong way. Mocking people in the manner you mentioned at her age is really not a case of not knowing any better at her age, it’s a case of either being psychologically unwell (most likely scenario) - or being a genuinely horrible person. I doubt the latter is the case.

justilou1 · 16/05/2020 04:46

BTW - hair sounds awesome!

lunar1 · 16/05/2020 04:54

I don't know why some people think it's so bad for an 11 year old to be made to feel bad. Her behaviour was appalling, and not for the first time apparently.

I wouldn't have my children anywhere near a child like that. There is an 11 year old boy in my sons class who makes racist and homophobic comments regularly at school. His parents will literally excuse him anything, I don't know how much older they think they can use the line that he's young and doesn't mean it for.

In the circumstances hanging up was the best option.

JingsMahBucket · 16/05/2020 05:33

@SpongebobNoPants I genuinely wonder where she’s learning the behaviour if it’s not from your partner. Is it from school, her mother or her mother’s friends?

BillHadersNewWife · 16/05/2020 05:39

Her feelings aren't more important but it would have been a better example if you had said something about how rude she was being and then said a blunt goodbye

My2catsarefab · 16/05/2020 06:08

YANBU. An 11year old using the word gay to insult a 5 year old? Disgusting behaviour. I'd have done exactly the same in hanging up. If your DP kicks up a fuss about you hanging up or the subsequent facetime call, instead of apologising for his daughter's behaviour, I'd hang up on him too!

EdwinaMay · 16/05/2020 06:26

I would concentrate on the bullying. I get it's a homophobic slur but at 11 she is just doing it to attract attention/ shock/ show off imv. So I would say why can't she be nice to her SB is more the issue. What are the reasons for that?

pastel01 · 16/05/2020 06:35

I think you did the right thing. The only thing I perhaps would have done is waited for your dp to correct her & if he didn’t then have said what you said. But hindsight is a wonderful thing! You stuck up for your child. I’ve been there so many times in the past where I’ve corrected my own children’s behaviour and the ex dp’s children were never corrected. This doesn’t send a good message to our own children. Your dp should be the one seeing if your ok, not you chasing him