I hung up on DP’s DD tonight

[SpongebobNoPants]

I have 2 DCs, including a DS who is 5 years old.
I bought some colouring hair conditioners for me and my DCs to have some fun with during lockdown, we all have blonde hair so the colours from these take really well on our hair but wash out after 3-4 washes. In case anyone is they’re a vegan product with no nasty chemicals in so no risk of damaging my DCs hair.

Today I coloured DS’s hair with an electric blue colour and he absolutely loves it. He thinks he is the coolest kid around and is convinced he looks like Sonic the Hedgehog
He wanted to FaceTime some friends and family to show them his hair, including my DP of 4 years who has his DD11 staying with him.

DP answered and said “Oh cool, let me show DD” and passed her the phone and she immediately said “Urggghhh! You look horrible! Your hair looks so gay!”

So I hung up.

A few minutes later I get a FaceTime call back off DP’s phone and when I answered it was DP’s DD.
She was very rude and demanded to know why I hung up so I calmly said
“Because you were being unkind and rude to DS so i hung up. Also it’s horrible and homophobic to use gay as insult so please don’t use that in front of me again”.

DP then took the phone from her and tried to resume a normal conversation for a few seconds before he hurriedly said he had to go and he’d call back later. He didn’t, which is fine as he’s got his DD there and should be spending time with her anyway. I think she may have got upset after I called out her rudeness.
I sent him a text to say goodnight and I’ve been ignored.
I suspect he’s a bit annoyed that I pulled his DD up on her unkind remarks to my DS.

She has form for saying awful things, being rude and being a bully at times and I never ever say anything unless it’s aimed at me or my DCs.

She’s not a tiny child, she is going to secondary school soon and is fully aware that she what she wasn’t nice (or ok to use a homophobic slur).

WIBU to hang up and later explain why I did to his DD?
I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong but I suspect I’ll have to defend myself tomorrow to DP.

Imo if you would have dealt with your own dd for bullying ds then so you should have done what you did. One day you may all live together. Dsd needs to know you won't accept such behaviour. You may not be her dm but that's a get out clause for not being respectful /following rules imo.
She sounds an absolute delight... Not..

Yabu you should have told her off. Not hung up. She’s 11 years old, you should’ve given her a stern word, not run off

I don,t like what you said so I,ll stone wall you although your an 11 year old child

Stone walling? Don't be so dramatic. It's the equivalent of leaving the room and not engaging if someone is being nasty to you. Nothing wrong with that, especially when it was directed at a much younger child.

How about 'I don't like what you said as it was unkind and therefore I don't want to speak to you right now'. Teaching consequences of being nasty...

11 is perfectly old enough to know not to be and to be pulled up for being nasty to a 5 year old.

but my first concern was my upset child, not the child who was insulting him

And this is absolutely right, don't feel guilty for that. Of course your first thought was for your 5 year old son who'd just been insulted and put down and not your partners 11 year old daughter who knows better.

I wouldn’t allow my child to associate with people, whose reactions make her feel that way however wrong her behaviour was

Really? No matter how wrong your child's behaviour was you'd blame the people who eventually came to dislike them for it?

Perhaps focus on your child's behaviour and people would find them more pleasant to be around?

News flash: Other people's kids can be very easy to dislike if they behave in a horrible way. Instead of expecting everyone to excuse your child's poor behaviour and like them no matter what they do, why not deal with it instead?

@SpongebobNoPants - I haven't read through the whole thread as I can't be dealing with the inevitable few who will say you were wrong; she's just a kid!
FWIW I think you did the right thing & you've explained you hung up to save your small ds an good amount of upset. Furthermore your dp is very much in the wrong ignoring you & in your shoes there is no way I would feel the need to defend myself to him tomorrow; his daughter was unkind to a much smaller child & used homophobic insults & as such he should be apologizing to you & taking her to task.
To those saying siblings are often unkind to each other - she's not your ds's sibling! And in truth if I caught one of mine speaking to a sibling or anyone else like that I'd call them out on it straight away.
I'm also firmly of the belief that you shouldn't offer an opinion on someone else's appearance unless you are specifically asked by that person for your opinion & kids need to be taught this.

God, what a brat. I don't see the problem with hanging up - it shows that if you say rude things, other people won't want to engage with you. It's not a punishment, it's a natural consequence.

11 year olds know that the word gay shouldn't be used as a swearword - I teach younger and they certainly know that. She did it to be a little wagon to the smaller kid and make him feel bad.

Op just seen your last update now - sounds like a good outcome (at least your dp sees his dd's behaviour for what it is) & your own dd sounds like a great kid - go her!

I think you did the right think OP, you protected your child and put his feelings first. Good Parenting from you and a young child who knows his mum will always put him first.

@SpongebobNoPants I agree you did the right thing, and it is the equivalent of leaving the room. Your DS should not be expected to put up with insults from a child who knows better. And I understanding why you wouldnt continue the conversation at that moment with your son present as if shed continued her attitude then your DS would have become increasingly upset, so I feel in the context of the situation you dealt with it correctly minimising the distress to your DS (context is very important, in some situations hanging up would've been inappropriate, but not this one). And from the way your DD deals with your DSD I would say you are doing a AMAZING job of bringing up your children, to show that much maturity when dealing with unpleasant situations.

To the PP who stated
I genuinely would break up with a partner for that. Regardless of his reaction and how she is disciplined, the fact that this is not the first time she has behaved in that way in general, shows her character and the fact that the discipline & guidance she is receiving from both her parents simply is not enough and is not working.
This is rather dramatic. Without knowing how much time OPs DSD spends with her dad and mum it's impossible to comment on. As a step parent in my experience (we only see the kids every other weekend due to their mums choices, but that's another issue), that theres only so much we can do about long term behavioural issues, as their mother wont engage over it, and although by the end of the weekend the kids may have learnt to stop being inappropriate, by the next time we see them it's back to square one, as their mother is reinforcing the behaviour we want to minimise. No matter how consistent we are with behaviour, by the time we see them again (it was the same when we saw them in the week and most weekends) everything they've been told and had explained has been forgotten. And it's much easier to reinforce bad behaviour then it is to stop it. Especially if children are copying the other parent or with a parent who undermines the other.

You did the right thing, OP.
Yes, you had to hung up to protect your son from mean comments. Yes, you had to challenge her when she called back to keep stirring up a conflict. All that you described makes me believe, that she is fully aware how her worlds can hurt another person's feelings and she is doing it intentionally. Very sad!
I hope your boyfriend had a good talk with her and told her off.
Calling her behaviour a banter is out of order. Banter is when you don't intend to hurt another person's feelings.

I teach that age. (11)
She's perfectly old enough to understand that what she said was wrong and if she can dole out language like that, she can take having someone hang up on her.
If it's "hurt her feelings" then maybe the message has got through.

Good for you for hanging up.

11 is kind of on the cusp really isn't it. Her behaviour is vile, and tbh it sounds like her Dad needs to go up a gear with things now, rather than let her get to secondary school before clamping down.

Should you have hung up? Yes, absolutely, because the person at the top of the queue here isn't the 11 year old, it's the 5 year old about to be really upset by an older child bullying him. No, I wouldn't have stayed on the phone to have a stern word with your 5 year old listening in and getting upset as the fact that the DD is CHOOSING to be nasty to him is underlined. Better to get straight off the phone and out of the situation - he's too liittle for that, and your focus right then and there was taking him away from the immediate bad feeling.

Yes, if she'd been directing her nasty nonsense at you, of course you would have stayed on the phone - you would have been in an appropriate situation to pull her up on it calmly, and as an 11 year old, of course dealing with her in a nurturing way would have taken precedence.

It wasn't that situation. And quite frankly, if she's going to start branching out into nastiness to smaller children as part of her repertoire, she'd better get used to having the 'fall-out' prioritise the feelings of those younger children over her.

You did her a favour - definitely hold that line.

I do wonder whether it might be better to cut right down on contact between them if she is going to target your younger one.

You did the right thing, OP. And @RonSwansonIsBuff is spot on.

@FizzyGreenWater - great post & while I know all children are different the OP's dd's handling of matters compared to how dsd behaves really highlights how differently these girls are being parented. Children are rarely born nasty, rather they are allowed become so.

YANBU, but in future I would avoid calling them in moments like that if she routinely tries to spoil them. I'd just say they're busy.
It's also possible that this child was upset that her one on one time with her father was interrupted by OP and her kids. Not at all an excuse for her behavior but perhaps an explanation for her foul mood.

DP’s DD uses gay, faggot, fudge packer, bum boy etc all as insults. She is fully aware of what they mean.

This is horrendous. Why has your partner allowed this to go on?

Read your update- good news all round.

I actually think it was a great lesson for an 11 year old your language won’t be tolerated. It would be far worse consequences if she was caught speaking like that in school.

I also think a lesson for a 5 year old you don’t have to listen to unpleasantness.

Just to answer a few questions, my DP comes down her like a tonne of bricks when she behaves like this. He’s definitely not letting her off the hook, but it’s hard to have any real positive influence on her behaviour as he only has her every other weekend and often the changes he’s able to make are undone by the time he sees her again. It’s an uphill battle that long precedes his relationship with me unfortunately.

It's also possible that this child was upset that her one on one time with her father was interrupted by OP
I doubt this is the case as she always initiates contact with us when she’s with her dad, asking to come over to see us or asking if we want to go there. Also even if that was an explanation for her behaviour it doesn’t excuse how horrible she was being to my DS or how rude she was to me when she called us back.

Also thanks to everyone who took the time to reply, it’s interesting seeing other people’s perspectives on her behaviour and how to handle it. I’m not in a position to discipline her, nor would I want to.
I think judging by the success of this particular situation I think I will remove myself and my DCs from situations where she becomes highly unpleasant again in the future.

Glad it worked out OP. This is a really interesting thread showing a range of perspectives!

it’s hard to have any real positive influence on her behaviour as he only has her every other weekend and often the changes he’s able to make are undone by the time he sees her again.

she always initiates contact with us when she’s with her dad, asking to come over to see us or asking if we want to go there

'Sorry DD, SpongeBob and I think it's best we don't videocall/visit this weekend. You were so horrid on the phone last week to SpongeBob DS that we think it's time for a break. Nobody wants to video chat if they might heave such horrible, homophobic words thrown at them.'

He may only have her every other weekend, but consequences that make her think about her behaviour and where it gets her are still possible. The above sounds hard core, but honestly, this is where your partner is at if he doesn't want his daughter turning into a nasty bigot. And to be honest, if you don't want to find yourself having to tell him that you don't want her around your kids any more.

Great suggestion @FizzyGreenWater.

ignore the nutters. smile

Oh the irony.

I dont agree that visits should be stopped because of bad behaviour. That isn't dealing with the issue.