Furlough and Maintenance

[AccidentallyRunToWindsor]

We have the DSC every weekend and over the last few weeks, this has increased to 3 or 4 nights a week.

The DSC also spend 1-2 nights a week with their grandparents (even now)

DH has been furloughed and that combined with with increase in nights we are having them meant he asked his ex if he could pay less during this time, she wasn't happy with this.

To add context, if we go on holiday she expects him to pay more for the nights we don't have them in that month.

What is everyone else doing in this situation? I wouldn't mind but they spend more time here than they do at home now!

The money is to be spent on the children so needs to be where the children are. If paying normal maintainance to their mum just now means you are struggling to provide for them when they are with you then it’s not really a question to the mother so much as “we need this money to feed the children”. Unless it’s through CMS in which case there’s not a lot you can do other than ask her to be reasonable.

We are leaving maintenance for DSD as it is because we can just about afford it plus all the extra days. It’s not worth the conversation just to be a dick. If we couldn’t afford it then DH would absolutely be telling his ex that it was being dropped to the CMS level for his normal number of nights. DSD has to eat even when she is with us 🤷‍♀️

I think it's wrong sorry ds df had ds for 2 weeks whilst we self isolation in 5 week month he didnt cut the maintenance nor did he reduce it because hes behaving ds for another day and night.

To add context, if we go on holiday she expects him to pay more for the nights we don't have them in that month.

Does he actually pay this? If so, you aren’t unreasonable to lessen the maintenance now for the extra nights you have them

Yes he pays the extra if we go away, it's less hassle and abuse to do so

@Starlight1243 if it was for that then of course we wouldn't even be questioning it. They spend 1/2 nights a week with their Mum now but we are still expected to pay as normal meaning we are struggling.

How much do you pay?

@Giespeace yeah the 20% is a large amount and he pays privately but more than what CMS would suggest he does.
The kids are teenagers so eat a lot!

@Starlight1243 it's above what the CMS calculator suggests based on 2 nights a week

I didnt ask if it was above I asked how much you paid the fact you're affording it says alot. Its difficult to know if it's fair without numbers and how many dc.

I don't normally condone paying the minimum, but if you're partner is struggling, then I'd pay her what she would be due using the calculator. Show her the calculation.

Do the DC participate in clubs? It's likely these fees have been suspended (my DC's has, although dad normally pays this) so maybe that's a saving she's already making. She's also not paying out for school lunches, travel, haircuts, socialising, as she might normally do.

She shouldn't be profiting from the situation while the household doing the bulk of the caring is struggling.

And I say that as an RP whose DC hasn't been to dads in 6 weeks.

@AccidentallyRunToWindsor
Excellent. Your DH sounds like he’s got a track record of not being a dick and paying the absolute minimum he can get away with. Based on this, the mother should be taking him seriously when he tells her he cannot afford a triple whammy of
A) a 20% wage cut
B) suddenly having them more than half the time
C) paying her the normal amount of maintenance despite points A and B

Just cut the amount. She doesn’t have to like it. There’s nothing she can do. Her children need to be provided for by both parents out of the available funds. The money is not for her.

@whatstheisyoo no clubs at all, there's nothing like that they are in to really.

@Giespeace yeah it annoys me that so many men do act like a dick and it kind of tars them all. I've got plenty of friends whose ex's do everything they can out of paying so when he's always paid more monthly, gone half on school trips, uniforms, big purchases like bikes, driving lessons etc it just seems a bit much that she won't accept he can't now afford to pay over the minimum until he is back at full pay. We are glad to have them here for sure but at 2 adult sized humans they require a lot of feeding 🤣

I am wondering why your DH is paying anything if you are having them more than 50% of the time. ? Shouldn't the mother be paying your DH instead (Seeing as they cost of the kids is coming out of your household)

I agree that’s it’s fair when they’re now spending more time with you. My DH has been furloughed and he’s still paying the full amount as it’s not worth the hassle to even suggest that as his income has decreased that he should pay any less so we and our DC are absorbing all the financial hardship.

I don't think he should have asked her, just gave her a months notice and told her the amended amount.

Do you have them 50/50? If so, no maintenance is required. He’s been furloughed, so his ex needs to understand circumstances have changed.

If you’re having them more than half then she should be paying him!

If he can't afford it as his salary has been reduced to 80% I would reduce the payment to the CMS amount at his reduced salary, the fact you have them more than 2 nights per week is effectively meaning he's still paying more anyway.

If the ex is nasty about it I would tell her to go through CMS instead

A lot of people have a new financial reality and his ex isn't exempt from it!!!

I am always first to advocate "don't be a dick, pay more than CSA", but in this case, if he is having the DC more AND his money has been cut, then I would run it through the CSA calcualtor based on the number of nights that they are with you. Work it out over the year and then average it for weekly. Then pay her an amount based on that and reassess it when all this is over.

You can't provide for them while they live with you and continue to pay her the same money.

DH should message her and tell her that the payment for this month will stay the same (if you can actually manage that)but starting next month the payment will be reduced to x (maybe what CSA would've asked for) amount. No negotiating,no explaining just telling her it is happening. She knows you have them more, she knows he's earning less.

Considering you pay more when on holiday, then she shouldn't have an issue with this. Just reduce the amount accordingly.

Agree with Sandy. He doesn’t need her permission.

My children are with me full time at the moment, their DF doesnt speak to me so I've gone through CMS as I go to half pay soon and need the extra money he should be paying. I'll be called all the names under the sun including money grabber but I am trying to keep a roof over the DC's head and food in their belly whilst all this is going on. (Also recuperate from a brain hemorrhage but that's a whole other story!!!)

I see your position as no different than mine. Give his ex notice and then do what is best for everyone and pay what CMS says for the period the changes occur.

You cant put yourself into financial hardship to continue paying what the ex expects/demands.

Personally,in this case, considering that your contact has increased and given that ex demands more money for "missed nights" if you go away and cant see the kids then I would reduce maintenance money accordingly. Particularly given that you may be struggling financially.

Money should be provided where the children are to cover their costs there. So this is only fair really and I dont believe you are being out of line.

Unless it’s through CMS in which case there’s not a lot you can do

Well there is, you can reduce it to the amount shown on the calculator and according to the increased nights you are now having the child.

I wouldn't ask permission. The money is for the child, not the mum. If DC is now with you half or just under half of the week and you've had a pay cut then you need that money to house and feed DC.

Pay what the calculator says and just tell her.

I think it's wrong sorry ds df had ds for 2 weeks whilst we self isolation in 5 week month he didnt cut the maintenance nor did he reduce it because hes behaving ds for another day and night

If your ex had taken a 20% pay cut and was therefore struggling to pay maintenance at the same amount whilst also caring for DC extra nights/weeks then no he wouldn't have been wrong to cut it because the money he pays is for the DC.

If he can afford it great but I don't judge people in this moment in time for having to rethink things if contact has increased whilst pay has reduced.