DP’s Ex trying to drive a wedge between us

[OoooImBlindedByTheLight]

DP and I both have 2 DCs each from previous relationships, none together.
Been together just short of 5 years and have bought our first house together. Previously not lived together but our house completion has been postponed due to the coronavirus.
DP had been living in rented so has moved into my house until our new house is ready.

DP’s Ex was fine for the first 4 years of our relationship but in the last 9 months or so she has for some reason really taken against me. I don’t speak to her, not in a nasty way I mean we don’t have any communication because we don’t need to but if I see her dropping off the kids I will always say hello or wave to her if I see her in her car.

I thought we were fairly cordial but since I went back to university to get a masters degree and really ramped up my career she seems to hate me. The kids make comments which they are repeating from their mum, for example “My mum said anyone can go to university these days and it’s not a big deal”.
This was said the week I was due to graduate and the tone my SD used came across unkind. I turned it into a positive and said “Mummy is right! Most people can go to university they just need to work out what subject would be good for them. What do you think you’ll be good at SD? You’re great at maths aren’t you so maybe you might choose a career in engineering or something?”

I try to turn the comments into a positive chat rather than get upset and it seems to work.

Problem is their DM has really ramped up her unkindness towards everything I do. We’ve bought a wonderful 4 bed house but I’m getting “My mum said your house isn’t that nice and we could have a bigger house if we wanted to”.

I don’t understand what her problem is with me, I’m lovely to the kids, our children all get along nicely, my family always include the children and my extended family buy Christmas presents and Easter eggs for them too.

Most recently she has refused DP’s contact weekend this weekend stating “Well you can’t have the DCs because I don’t know where she has been”.

DP explained we are in our 4th week of isolation, we haven’t let our property at all other than myself having taken two trips to Tesco for food shops. We’ve been in isolation for 10 days longer than their household and she knows this so it feels like an excuse to try and cause problems in our family.

I sent her a message to try a reassure her I haven’t been anywhere and my DC’s dad has been WFH for 4 weeks and is in total isolation too so we are following all the guidelines and being extra cautious, but she simple messaged back saying “My kids. My rules. No”

I feel so bad for DP, he can’t see his kids and she’s blaming the withholding of contact on me and my DCs.

I don’t know what to do but it feels like since she’s seen our new house (kids have taken her on a drive-by of it) she has tried to deuce a wedge between my DP, myself and my SCs.

We suspect she’s also been playing on younger SC’s insecurities as she’s mentioned that her mum has said things like it’s disgusting she’s got the smallest bedroom and that dad will have a new family.
SC is definitely not the one saying this as she has been excitedly picking things for her new room and is looking forward to the move.

Where do we go from here? What can my DP do to try and put the situation right with his SCs and limit the damage we think is being done

She’s obviously jealous and the type of person that would rather tear others down for making their lives better (through education, career, better house etc) than improve her own situation.

You know it’s not you. Or your DP.

The best plan might be (for you let DP) to arrange a mediation appointment (they may be doing this remotely at the moment, or he might have to wait) and agree a parenting plan.

What I don’t get is that she has a DP who she moved in after a few weeks of dating. He has 2 DCs who go to their house EOW but she is implying we’re wrong for buying a house together after 5 years of taking things slowly.
I forgot to mention we recently got engaged too so that may have been a catalyst.
DP and his ex were never married and his eldest has remarked on this too.

I don’t think we’re doing anything wrong. We’ve taken our time and have been living and understanding with SCs and Ex at every turn

Loving and understanding*

I would let your dh deal with her.
Sorry I have no advice. Some people are just irrational.

She sounds like an appalling mother to be talking about you and your dp like that in front of the children. Maybe she's upset because she thinks she won't be able to have so much control over your dp anymore because you're going to be a family unit. I think she's forgetting they're not just her kids.

There is no logic in jealously so don’t waste too much headspace in trying to find some.

Let her DP deal with her, I wouldn’t get into any discussion surrounding her unfounded concerns. Be concise and don’t get drawn into tit for tat, establish what you want to discuss and don’t deviate.

As others have said get your DP to discuss with her, mediation is a good idea.

You sound like you’ve got great patience and positivity so well done.

So the latest is that DP is allowed to go to their house and take the SCs out for a walk??
This doesn’t even make any sense? If he’s allowed to see them then why can’t they just come to our house?
She said him and only him (i.e. me and my DCs cannot come)
It’s becoming clearer and clearer that she is being horrible towards me.
I honestly don’t know why, it seems like a power play

It is power play.

What is the legal position between your partner and his ex, who has custody of their children?

Oh dear. I’d pity the poor woman. She has been struck down by the worst case of jealousy I’ve seen on here for a while.

Her ex is happy and doing very well without her. He’s marrying you, but never married her even after 2 kids together. That’s annoying.
My DSDs mother had been fine for ages but when we got married and bought our house and DS came along the mask slipped for a while and she was jealous and difficult to deal with for a while. Thankfully, she at least seems to have shielded DSD from this and now has realised that DSD is as much a part of our family and plans as she ever was so relations are back to normal.
Maybe all the woman needs is time? (And a slap for being so stupid and selfish as to make these comments to her children - doesn’t she have any clue how damaging that could be for them??)

She is very jealous and it’s making her say and do completely irrational things. She may even realise this but it won’t stop her continuing.

I like your response to the uni comment. When she goes low, you go high. Please resist feeling anything negative towards the children as they are just parroting back what she has said and she is playing heavily on their loyalties.

As a PP said, don’t give it headspace. Whatever her insecurities or expectations, they are not relevant to you and I doubt anything you do, however well intentioned will change this right now.

She is using the children to exert last shreds of control over your DP. In this situation he should reassure his DCs daily how much he loves and misses them. It will pass. Kids are smart.

Hang in there and she WILL get tired of it.

I echo everything other posers have said.

She’s jealous and is using the children as a control play.

I have the same. My now OH has been divorced over 8 years, we’ve lived together for 3 years and the bitterness and vitriol relayed through the children is fo very sad. I feel for the women that after all this time she can’t move on.

My advice would be don’t give her any head space. Rise above it (which you sound like you are doing really well). Let your DP deal with her.

Good luck. You sound like you are doing an amazing job.

I’m not sure why the anger towards us though, as I said before she has a partner who lives with her.
Ex and DP split 10 years ago, ex left DP for someone she’d met at work and subsequently got engaged to. It didn’t last with him but she’s had a few relationships in between so it’s not like she’s been sat at home lonely and pining over DP by any stretch.

I do not resent the kids or get upset with them when they say these things, I just try and turn the conversation into something positive. For example when the youngest repeated something her mum had said about our new house and how she could have a nicer one, I replied along the lines of “How lovely, you’re lucky to have two nice homes aren’t you SD. What do you think you’d like in your room in the new house? Have you decided on colours?”

I really try to be positive all the time and whenever their mum is mentioned by them I’m always happy to listen and respond nicely. “My mum said she wants that type of handbag you’ve got”, I’d say “Ahh mum’s got good taste hasn’t she, I think we like a lot of the same things don’t we”

I just feel so sad for my DP not seeing his kids. I know it’s not my fault but she’s certainly trying to make it seem that it is. I want to make it right for DP and them but it’s out of my control.

My kids are off to their dad’s for the weekend in a couple of hours and DP has asked me to come on the walk with the SCs but I’ve said no because I don’t want to be inflammatory. I think their DM will cause a fuss and be unpleasant about it.
It’s a shame because younger SD has been on FaceTime to me and my DD today saying she misses us.

She’s got a long term partner who presumably doesn’t want to marry her. Your DP didn’t want to marry her either. Now he’s marrying you, you’ve got a lovely new house and you’re building a great career for yourself.

It’s easier for her to be angry at you than to admit she’s unhappy about her own life, or to make changes.

It’s a real shame for the children though.

Jealousy. There's nothing you can do OP, just laugh it off. It's a bit sad really when you think about it, you just carry on doing what you're doing

In terms of contact, can he not apply for a court order? I've seen it being advised to other parents on here where the other is refusing to let them see the children.

The kids are 15 and 11 so I don’t think a court order will help to be honest.
She doesn’t normally stop him seeing the SCs, in fact she does the opposite and tries to drop them on us at the last minute quite regularly which is why this massive change of attitude towards contact has left us baffled.

Also I’m not sure what her relationship is like with her DP. The SCs have implied they are planning on having a baby so I’m assuming it’s all going ok and they’re happy, they’ve been together for around 3 years now and have lived together since about 3-4 weeks of meeting so it sounds quite intense.

What she's doing is parental alienation and is a form of child abuse. Some studies have shown that if done over a prolonged period of time it is as damaging to a child's wellbeing as physical abuse. What a horror of a woman.
I think you need to nip this in the bud, DP needs to be giving her printouts about parental alienation and explaining that is not acceptable and will not be tolerated towards their joint children. It was the only thing that worked for us. As for your behaviour, just keep your head high and keep rebutting those comments from the kids in a breezy, light way. FWIW though, it might be that 'anyone' can go to university, but not everyone can do a ruddy masters ffs!!
You sound like you're handling it well. Talk to DP about getting this shut down.

Her jealousy is shockingly obvious.....and while her and her DP may be planning to have a baby....there don't seem to be any plans to get married.

I love how you keep turning those comments into a positive light...it's brilliant...keep doing that.

OP I have experienced the exact same. Every time DH and I have a life event, exW suddenly starts calling for chats and sending little snippets to remind him of their time together (I’m surprised she has any left given they weren’t together very long at all, I had high school boyfriends last longer) then a few months later, she will then go off and do whatever it is we have done herself.

She told DH she was pregnant at 6 weeks, he didn’t even ask 😬 they don’t even have idle chit chat and she shares things like that. She love attention.

I hope mum in your situ settles down. She’ll get bored soon. Atleast the kids are getting to an age where they can soon speak to DH by their own steam, your links to her will weaken.

I think there are a lot of separated parents who have made the decision not to mix households, even where isolation has occurred/is occurring because it just feels like the safest thing to do. Don’t make a big deal of it. Skype the kids regularly and do it all in the name of tackling this virus and keeping safe.

If he's allowed to take his kids out for a walk, they should be allowed to continue contact. It's a power play.

@Sotiredofthislife if their DM had said she was concerned about mixing households so she’d rather skip this contact weekend as she’s wants to do her utmost to keep the SCs safe then we would have of course respected that. I’m a mother too and taking every precaution to protect my own DCs, so I could understand that position.

However she is allowing contact between my DP and SCs just on her illogical terms. If DP is allowed to collect his kids, take them on a walk, kiss and hug them goodbye etc then surely if she genuinely thought for some reason our household was harbouring the virus then the damage would have been done?
It doesn’t make any sense. It seems like a control thing to me. DP can see the SCs on her terms only, and they cannot see me or my DCs even though we live with DP. The way she said it was also unpleasant, it was like she was implying we were dirty if that makes sense?

When DP explained we had taken every precaution, followed all guidelines and had been isolating for a week longer than their household so there is minimal risk her reply was “Don’t compare me to her”.

Also I don’t think she’s bothered about about getting married, literally no one in her family is married (all cohabit and have families, none married) so I don’t think it’s very important to her. I think it’s more the fact I had a romantic proposal and nice ring.

Her first response when she heard we got engaged, literally 10 mins after the SCs arrived back home to her, she sent a text asking for more money from my DP. It was as if she was angry he spent money on an engagement ring rather than give extra to her.

Thank you all for the advice and kind comments. I think I’ll just carry behaving as I have, staying positive.

Call me Nostradamus but I just have a feeling that when the lockdown restrictions are lifted she’ll be emotionally blackmailing DP to have the SCs at short notice again or whenever it suits her and will no doubt use this period of limited contact as a reason “but your barely saw them last month” and it’ll mess up our moving plans.

It’s becoming exhausting

Has your DP cottoned on to her behaviour?

I also think she's scared and insecure that the kids like you.....do she pulls you down like with the university comment.

Why does she know that you were studying though? It's nothing to do with her and the less she knows about you, the less she can play these ridiculous games.

Her jealousy is really not in her children's best interest and more than driving a wedge between you and him, she wants to drive a wedge between you and her DC.

Why does she know that you were studying though?
Because it wasn’t a secret. The kids would be there whilst I was studying and my eldest SC was really proud of me and would ask what marks I got for assignments etc. I got a distinction so we had a big family meal out to celebrate, and same with my actual graduation because I was proud and we were all happy. It was lovely.

DP is definitely wise to her. If she is attempting to drive in our relationship then she’s actually having the opposite effect on DP because he has become very protective of me and if anything he’s become apologetic for behaviour because it’s out of my control that she’s a presence in our lives IYSWIM.

I’m hoping once we’re in the new house the SCs will be settled with us again and hopefully the novelty of the new house will mean they’ll want to come over a lot and spend time there