DP’s Ex trying to drive a wedge between us

[OoooImBlindedByTheLight]

DP and I both have 2 DCs each from previous relationships, none together.
Been together just short of 5 years and have bought our first house together. Previously not lived together but our house completion has been postponed due to the coronavirus.
DP had been living in rented so has moved into my house until our new house is ready.

DP’s Ex was fine for the first 4 years of our relationship but in the last 9 months or so she has for some reason really taken against me. I don’t speak to her, not in a nasty way I mean we don’t have any communication because we don’t need to but if I see her dropping off the kids I will always say hello or wave to her if I see her in her car.

I thought we were fairly cordial but since I went back to university to get a masters degree and really ramped up my career she seems to hate me. The kids make comments which they are repeating from their mum, for example “My mum said anyone can go to university these days and it’s not a big deal”.
This was said the week I was due to graduate and the tone my SD used came across unkind. I turned it into a positive and said “Mummy is right! Most people can go to university they just need to work out what subject would be good for them. What do you think you’ll be good at SD? You’re great at maths aren’t you so maybe you might choose a career in engineering or something?”

I try to turn the comments into a positive chat rather than get upset and it seems to work.

Problem is their DM has really ramped up her unkindness towards everything I do. We’ve bought a wonderful 4 bed house but I’m getting “My mum said your house isn’t that nice and we could have a bigger house if we wanted to”.

I don’t understand what her problem is with me, I’m lovely to the kids, our children all get along nicely, my family always include the children and my extended family buy Christmas presents and Easter eggs for them too.

Most recently she has refused DP’s contact weekend this weekend stating “Well you can’t have the DCs because I don’t know where she has been”.

DP explained we are in our 4th week of isolation, we haven’t let our property at all other than myself having taken two trips to Tesco for food shops. We’ve been in isolation for 10 days longer than their household and she knows this so it feels like an excuse to try and cause problems in our family.

I sent her a message to try a reassure her I haven’t been anywhere and my DC’s dad has been WFH for 4 weeks and is in total isolation too so we are following all the guidelines and being extra cautious, but she simple messaged back saying “My kids. My rules. No”

I feel so bad for DP, he can’t see his kids and she’s blaming the withholding of contact on me and my DCs.

I don’t know what to do but it feels like since she’s seen our new house (kids have taken her on a drive-by of it) she has tried to deuce a wedge between my DP, myself and my SCs.

We suspect she’s also been playing on younger SC’s insecurities as she’s mentioned that her mum has said things like it’s disgusting she’s got the smallest bedroom and that dad will have a new family.
SC is definitely not the one saying this as she has been excitedly picking things for her new room and is looking forward to the move.

Where do we go from here? What can my DP do to try and put the situation right with his SCs and limit the damage we think is being done

Your partner needs to be more assertive with her. They are his kids too so it's not just 'her rules'. Has contact always just been agreed between them, no mediation or legal agreement?

It sounds like the Ex is a dog in a manger. Has moved on with her life and that’s fine but doesn’t want your DP to do the same, especially not with someone who is doing well for themselves. I’m in the same situation, as soon as any life event happens she starts to kick up a fuss about something. Even though she has raced to do everything with her DP first- moved in, got engaged, had a baby etc etc. Its extremely infuriating

My DP’s ex is like this about qualifications. She’s got none (left school with GCSEs) whereas I’ve got a PhD. DP has a degree and lots of professional qualifications. She’s clearly terrified that the DSC will aspire to more than she has so she is petty and tries to make out (particularly to DSD) that having an education and a career are bad things. She told DSD that you can’t be a mummy and have job, for example.

It’s all just fear, jealousy and bluster though. If she weren’t regularly quite malevolent, I’d feel sorry for her.

@jamjar18
My DH's ex is like that as well. Very very small town mentality, which is fine, but don't thrust it on your kids. When I was getting ready for work (emergency services) DSC asked me why I go to work and I should just be a mummy we're both worried she will get pregnant very young as that's all she's seeing from her mum, but hopefully I've instilled a bit of work ethic and that's there's more to being a woman than being a mum. and not even a good one

I wasn’t going to mention this as I didn’t want to be accused of being judgemental or horrible about DP’s Ex but she’s very similar to @VeryShortNotice‘s SC’s DM.

She’s 38 and has never had a full time job. She worked part time for a short while but hasn’t worked at all now for over 2 years through choice.

I work full time and I have had comments also about how I’m not a “proper mum” because I use a childminder.

Yep, exactly same here OP.
DH's ex not worked a day in her life, even before kids. Now they are all school age and looks like that won't be changing anytime soon.
I get bitter sometimes because I'm out working all the hours God sends and the kids don't seem to understand why because 'Mummy doesn't have a job and she has money'
She got an inheritance about ten years ago which is dwindling away on her lone trips to Disney in Florida.
Just remember that when the kids have all flown the nest, we can retire and live comfortably, whereas she will have no financial safety net. Hard as it is.
She needs to be told this is parental alienation. Is DP going to speak to her?!

DP lost his rag with her yesterday which is very unlike him, he’s so laid back and not argumentative at all.

His Ex said he could take the kids for a walk today if he wanted to, he explained as he had a few days off work his plan was to up-cycle some of his furniture in the back garden, including the SCs bunk beds which he is planning to sand and repaint.
Youngest SC is really keen to help with this but their DM is flatly refusing to allow her to come over.

It’s utterly ridiculous and makes zero sense as she’s happy for DP to take her for a walk and potentially encounter other people and / or gates and things any other number of people could have touched, but being in her dad’s back garden is deemed unsafe

It’s totally nonsensical. Either he is allowed to see them or he’s not. And the back garden is clearly safer than a public walk!

It’s younger SC’s birthday tomorrow too and I’ve potted some seeds and plants for her as she has taken a liking to gardening. Their DM said I’m not allowed to drop them off as she doesn’t want them in the house because of potential contamination, however the hanging egg chair she went out and purchased yesterday from B&Q is fine to be on her property.

I give up, I honestly do.

They absolutely never make sense. We can’t do right from wrong as Step mums. I have the opposite problem at the moment, we have got my SS’s up with us and will do for the whole month. She’s used it as an opportunity to dump them and not have to incur any costs or bother to look after them. But she thinks it’s ok to drive and sit outside our house for the kids to go and sit in the car with her when she wants to see them. This is despite being told to self isolate for 14 days because her toddler (with new partner) has a cough.

Latest update:
It was younger SCs birthday last Weds and as it was supposed to be the Easter school holiday DP had booked a week off work.
He is a key worker and has been working throughout the whole of lockdown (in an isolated position, not the reason the SC’s DM cut contact by the way as her own partner is still working in a job which requires lots of interaction with others).
Anyway, DP kept his annual leave last week but was not allowed to see the SCs at all so he spent the week at home with me and mine.
He went back to work on Monday and last night we get a text from his Ex saying how she has decided he can have the SCs this weekend?!!
Why is it suddenly ok in her eyes for him to have them? Why didn’t she let him have contact last week when he was off work and could have spent some quality time with them and seen his child on their birthday??

The whole thing is a total power trip. I wish we could tell her to get lost but we desperately want to see the children, however DP feels so powerless in this situation because she’s been able to completely call the shots.

It’s so frustrating