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Original poster

This is going to be a divisive one...

290 replies

TeaAndWine · 06/02/2020 10:59

Interested in opinions and ways to deal with this. Will try to be succinct.

4 DC between 5-13. We have them two nights in the week and EOW, plus lots of times one on their own for sleepover etc.

DH pays what is set out on CMS but is officialy through the CMS if that makes sense. We just used the calculator on their website. Plus extras for trips/uniform etc.

DH's ex wife is going with a friend to Disney Orlando for two and a half weeks in September, without the kids, so we will have them that time. No problems, I'm quite looking forward to it.

The kids have been to Florida as holiday many times before, and this will be around her 15th time going. Odd to me why of all the places to go in this world without kids you would choose to go their again but hey ho, horses for courses etc.

My question is - Surely if we're having the kids for nearly three weeks DH should not be expected to pay CMS while she's there? That's effectively giving her spending money. Our bills for food/days out etc will go through the roof.

We simply cannot afford to pay the CMS that month and to have them. The CMS is just that - for the children. Who we will have.

We have them numerous other nights that have never been taken into account with the calculation.

I think part of me that I'm happy to admit is bitter as she's never worked a day in her life, even before she had kids, yet we can't even afford to go for a weekend away despite both working full time, but perhaps that's a different thread.

Would we BU to say we will be paying CMS for the one week she has them that month? As the money is for the children, who will be with us nearly the whole month?

Open to hearing thoughts. Don's tin hat

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Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 06/02/2020 11:03

The amount of child maintenance does not change regardless of special circumstances. However your OH could speak to his ex explain the situation and see if a compromise could be reached? Unless you speak directly to them nothing can be achieved.

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 06/02/2020 11:06

I've ignored your jealousy also as that is clear throughout and whether you aee it or not taints your whole view. Child maintenance your DHs responsibility, not yours and as is not based on your income should still give some flexibility. The extra 15 nights would make it 50 50 for the year would it not? Perhaps formalised through CMS could help

Motacilla · 06/02/2020 11:08

Does the that three weeks change the nights per year bracket/

This is going to be a divisive one...
ShagMeRiggins · 06/02/2020 11:10

Is that money her only source of income?

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 06/02/2020 11:11

Well, she’ll still have rent/mortgage/bills to pay while she’s away. It would be good of her to maybe offer some money for food, but not expected.

They are your husband’s children fgs and Cms is an absolute pittance compared to the costs of raising four children.

Don’t let your jealousy over her holiday turn you into a petty fucker.

Original poster
TeaAndWine · 06/02/2020 11:15

@Motacilla no, I don't think so - we're at the maximum.

OP posts:
Waterandlemonjuice · 06/02/2020 11:15

YABU

Original poster
TeaAndWine · 06/02/2020 11:16

@ShagMeRiggins no, she got a substantial sum in an inheritance and benefits etc

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaAndWine · 06/02/2020 11:18

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets (love your username)
I'm well aware that money is for his children, hence why I'm asking for more for the kids when they're here.

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 06/02/2020 11:18

YANBU.

Original poster
TeaAndWine · 06/02/2020 11:20

For those who've just said YABU or YANBU, could you explain more?

OP posts:
beargrass · 06/02/2020 11:22

Sounds reasonable to ask for contributions towards whatever costs you're incurring eg childminder / after school, which you wouldn't normally but are doing so in order she can go on holiday?

Magda72 · 06/02/2020 11:22

@TeaAndWine - I'm in Ireland so a bit different. But, whenever I'm away & the kids are with my exh I always tell him to stop maintenance. The maintenance he gives me is for the kids & there's no point in me having it if they're not with me! He pays me court appointment maintenance for day to day & we go halves on all the big expenses.
Honestly - again I'm just flabbergasted at the amount of women who seem to think that's it's ok not to work, even part time, & expect to live off their ex husbands/partners. In Ireland at least maintenance is for the KIDS - a dm is expected to cover her own lifestyle outgoings & choices. Whole thing makes no sense to me whatsoever unless the kids are of pre school age or there are SNs.

FuzzyAtmosphere · 06/02/2020 11:22

Whilst the money is for the children, it’s unlikely it actually covers how much they cost and I would expect she pays more for them over the course of the year. Despite being on holiday, there will still be certain expenses that CMS covers which include mortgage, household bills, school lunches etc.

Why doesn’t your DH chat to her about whether there can be a slight reduction for that month, especially if the number of nights changes the category over the course of the year that he has them for.

Also, a Disney World as an adult is great fun! I can totally understand why she is going there.

Hellohah · 06/02/2020 11:27

I don't think you're being unreasonable.
She doesn't need the money for the children during those 3 weeks. You need money (that you don't have if you pay the CMS) during those 3 weeks to look after the children.

I think it's fairly simple, but of course many on Mumsnet won't agree.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 06/02/2020 11:28

I hate the assumption that CMS is for the children. It’s a contribution towards the costs of raising them. It’s not meant to be pocket money.

Luzina · 06/02/2020 11:29

I do understand your feelings about this but unfortunately I don't think its worth the fallout. The better the relationship between the adults is, the better it is for the children. Cut down on any days out to save up in advance. Yes your food bill will go up but you can plan for that. My husband's ex goes on holiday fairly regularly, we rarely do. She takes kids on lovely days out which we also can't afford to do.

If you really really can't afford to feed them for the extra days they're with you then your husband will have to speak to her. But imo its not worth the tension.

Original poster
TeaAndWine · 06/02/2020 11:29

Thanks all
@Magda72 sounds like you are very level headed. No pre school, no SN's.
With regards to bills etc - her house is going to be empty for going on three weeks whereas our bills will go through the roof.

OP posts:
SproutMuncher · 06/02/2020 11:31

I agree with you - you will be incurring the majority of the expenses for the children for those three weeks, not her.

Hulahoopqueen · 06/02/2020 11:32

If my SS was with us for 3 weeks out of 4 I would be thinking along the same lines as you. I’d expect to not be out of pocket for my partner’s ex’s choice. I wouldn’t cancel the CMS entirely but allow for the additional food, bills etc that you will incur while having the kids for the extra time.

michaelbaubles · 06/02/2020 11:33

The first year after I separated exDH thought he could stop maintenence as the DC were with him for three weeks. Er no, first of all that had already been accounted for as it's an average over the year, secondly I still have to pay my rent and bills (I only rent the size house I do because of the DC, it's not like I can move into a one-bed flat for three weeks to save a couple of hundred pounds), I'd bought all the clothes and toys they took with them, hell even the suitcases and toothbrushes...

Babyg1995 · 06/02/2020 11:35

I don't think yabu she won't need the child maintenance the 3 weeks she's away but your house hold will need it more as the children are with you .you don't sound jelous either your only stating facts .

SproutMuncher · 06/02/2020 11:40

michaelbaubles

I think that’s slightly different as it sounds like you provide everything for your children whereas here the children’s father has them 6 nights in 14 and pays for extras like uniform and trips. I imagine (although OP doesn’t actually say) that given how often the children are with them, she and her partner don’t expect their mother to send toothbrushes and clothes every time and probably buy their fair share of these things for them. No doubt OP will correct me if I am wrong.

AlexaAmbidextra · 06/02/2020 11:43

I've ignored your jealousy also as that is clear throughout and whether you aee it or not taints your whole view.

Oh, here we go. 🙄

aSofaNearYou · 06/02/2020 11:46

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, sounds very logical and I wouldn't think much of her if she refused. People will always use the argument that CMS isn't enough anyway so any time something like this happens, and it becomes unfair for him to pay, it's a good thing because he MUST be paying a pittance compared to what he should anyway. People on MN will say you are being unreasonable for that reason.

It sounds like you are officially having them slightly less than 50/50 and in reality somewhat more than that, and presumably both parents are having to rent a larger house due to needing the space for the kids and neither parent are paying for childcare, so to be honest I really don't buy the argument that he should be paying her more. If he is having them closer to 50/50 than is being acknowledged then you should go down the official route and look at reducing it. In any case, you certainly shouldn't be paying her for that month.