This is going to be a divisive one...

[TeaAndWine]

Interested in opinions and ways to deal with this. Will try to be succinct.

4 DC between 5-13. We have them two nights in the week and EOW, plus lots of times one on their own for sleepover etc.

DH pays what is set out on CMS but is officialy through the CMS if that makes sense. We just used the calculator on their website. Plus extras for trips/uniform etc.

DH's ex wife is going with a friend to Disney Orlando for two and a half weeks in September, without the kids, so we will have them that time. No problems, I'm quite looking forward to it.

The kids have been to Florida as holiday many times before, and this will be around her 15th time going. Odd to me why of all the places to go in this world without kids you would choose to go their again but hey ho, horses for courses etc.

My question is - Surely if we're having the kids for nearly three weeks DH should not be expected to pay CMS while she's there? That's effectively giving her spending money. Our bills for food/days out etc will go through the roof.

We simply cannot afford to pay the CMS that month and to have them. The CMS is just that - for the children. Who we will have.

We have them numerous other nights that have never been taken into account with the calculation.

I think part of me that I'm happy to admit is bitter as she's never worked a day in her life, even before she had kids, yet we can't even afford to go for a weekend away despite both working full time, but perhaps that's a different thread.

Would we BU to say we will be paying CMS for the one week she has them that month? As the money is for the children, who will be with us nearly the whole month?

Open to hearing thoughts. Don's tin hat

The mother only has them one day a week extra? How did you work out that?

well op says they have the kids 2 nights during the week, and EOW. So over 2 weeks, that is 6 out of 14. meaning the mother only has them 8 out of 14 - divide that by 2 its an average of 1 day more a week....

and op goes on to say that they have them extra nights, and one at a time for extra nights, so they're probably verging on 50/50 if not that they actually have them the majority of the time.

YABU as the majority of costs are fixed - her mortgage/council tax/insurance/water rates etc etc will remain the same as will her costs for clothing the children, paying for clubs as and activities etc.
It’s only groceries and heating that would really be affected, so if you feel like pushing the point, ask for a reduction to help offset that.

Thank you all
To be clear, we have them around 168 nights a year. I've just worked it out, this is including the random/flexible nights we have them, however 'officialy' through CMS we have them 132.
Whatever happens that week, it obviously needs re-evaluating.
And yes to a PP, we both work full time, me in emergency services, and it's a lot to us. Read up a bit on the cost of living and the squeezed middle. We are really really struggling.

@Dollyparton3 that's a good point, thank you.

i would certainly be going back to CMS for them to re evaluate OP!

YABU as the majority of costs are fixed - her mortgage/council tax/insurance/water rates etc etc will remain the same as will her costs for clothing the children, paying for clubs as and activities etc

We cover the costs for clothing, clubs and trips etc. We are also renting a 4 bed house which we never would need to otherwise, just like her, so that's also a bit of a moot point. When they divorced DH (quite rightly in my opinion) didn't fight anything for the house. That is the children's home. So he handed it over free handed. This means due to equity etc she's pretty much mortgage free, whereas we are paying £1250 a month in rent.

I guess we could go on forever about who pays what/that's unfair/well we pay this/she pays that.

The main thing is I don't want the kids to have a shit time with us because we have no money for those three weeks. I'd really like to do things with them, but we need to be realistic if she won't be as flexible as we often are.

It's a really tricky one. I do appreciate all your thoughts. Keep 'em coming!

Is this the first time you will have had them stay for a ‘holiday’ outside of the regular 2 nights a week and EOW? If you’ve had them before then what did you do then (regardless of whether ExW went away or not)? There are 13 weeks school holiday a year, I would have thought you would have them for some of those weeks anyway. If this is time in addition to normal then it’s worth going back to the calculator to see if it makes a difference to what your DH should be paying but that’s always going to be averaged over a year and not for a specific short term period.

CMS payments are calculated like a salary, the amount for the year is divided into equal payments, so you aren't paying for that specific two and a half weeks, you are paying a fraction of the amount for the whole year. You still get paid your salary when you are on holiday. In that sense, YABU.

That said, once you add on the holiday to your usual days, it adds up to 173 nights. If you have them 50:50 for 182 nights (which you might with the extra sleepovers), then no maintenance is due at all, any more than that and the ex has to pay your DP maintenance.

Is the ex reasonable? As you are so close to 50:50, I don't think it would be unfair to ask for a reduction that will cover the cost of food for the children.

Thanks @theteenageyears

Yes we have had them over the holidays etc, and around two years ago she again went to Disney with her sister for three weeks, we didn't ask for extra then and it really messed us up, should have said that in the OP!

Thanks @goingoverground that's helpful. She's okay but her behaviour can be very changeable.

She still needs the cost towards housing / council tax etc for the bigger house the children need, even if they are away. That cost doesn't stop. Do you pay her extra for times that you are on holiday then?

gfjoe the op pays for all that too though, doesnt she?

i'd bet op doesnt ever get a holiday tbh.

it baffles me that op has the children almost half the time, and so pays for a big enough house and all that goes with it, but apparently mum should get £££ financial help to do the same even though she only has them very marginally more. Its batshit.

YANBU. Just tell her no money that month - or take the kids with her. Her choice.

Cross-posted. If you habitually have them 168 nights a year, then the extra 2 and a bit weeks mean that you have them 50:50 so your DH doesn't legally have to pay maintenance. Whether he should morally is a different matter though.

You need to all be adult and work out what is fair and best for the DC in this situation.

Little pedantic rant, sorry OP.

52 nights a year or FEWER not 'less'. God almighty, government

goingoverground

so, morally, you think he should pay maintenance even if he has them more then 50%?

why?

Sorry but if it went over to 50/50 how is there any more of an argument for us to pay than for their DM to pay?

As others said her fixed costs remain. The thing she looses is the food costs.

How much does your partner pay exactly? It's hard to tell if it's a fair contribution or not, for the simple reason cms is shockingly low and not usually enough to feed, clothe and home kids.

I've ignored your jealousy also as that is clear throughout and whether you aee it or not taints your whole view.

Oh please.

bluntness

how much would you say is a fair contibution for 4 children, who you have 6 days out of 14, based on lets say the national average of 30,000 a year (or thereabouts)?

As others said her fixed costs remain. The thing she looses is the food costs.

Unless OP and her husband live in a one bed flat, then they are both paying the fixed costs of housing them.

and CMS shouldnt be "enough to feed clothe and home kids" should it? it should be a contribution towards that, because the RP is expected to contribute too..

Oh, won’t someone think of the poor struggling mother, with her mortgage free house worrying how she will pay her council tax from the spending money for her 3 week Disney holiday that she’s not even taking her children on...

The only way forward is a compromise on a reduction to take into account cost of food and increase in gas/electricity, petrol maybe. Maybe 1/3 reduction to 1/2.