My already pretty weird stepsons just got even weirder, at least, *i* think so ;)

[Indyboymom4]

My super weird stepsons just keep getting weirder

So I’ve looked all over the internets and couldn’t find anything that could help me understand a new very strange (to me at least) thing my stepsons are doing so here I am asking you guys...very brief backstory is that up until several months ago, my husband had his own home and I had mine so on the weekends he had his boys they stayed over there & my four boys were of course at home with me. Our kids have very different personalities or things in common so we rarely hung out together. When we got married in July we gave up our respective homes and bought a house together. The upshot is his kids stay here and sleep in my kids’ rooms on the four days a month they are with their dad. I switched weekends with my ex-husband (the father of my kids) so we have them on different weekends. (Sorry for not being as brief as I promised!) Anyway, they seem very strange to me and I’m never sure if they really ARE weird or just seem like it to me because they are so different from my kids (they are all teenagers) here is the weird thing I have a question about...two of them choose to sleep together in the same bed even though there are two separate (but equal!) beds in the room. They are 16 & 14. There are no cultural differences since they are all the same race and were all born and raised in the same city in a midwestern state (in the US) does this seem odd to anyone else? Has anybody else dealt with something like this? Or am I the weird one for thinking it’s weird? I get that it probably feels not great to them to have to sleep in my kids’ beds & I totally understand & I try to make them feel comfortable when they are here. I just can’t wrap my head around them choosing to be in the same bed at their ages when they are already together in the very same room.

You got married on July to a man who won't leave the bedroom and you need counselling?

It sounds like no one likes spending anytime with anyone. You’re on your own, your husband is on his own, the step boys on their own and your own children not in the house when the step boys are in the house.

Also asking teens to tell you stories of their life etc would probably get a “whatever” response. It all sounds very tense.

I think it is a bit odd but I guess I would just ask them what it is they like about it as I would about ask about a weird food combination preference or watching TV upside down or wearing odd socks or anything that was interesting - not weird - interesting about them - just frigging ask them.

But the fact this does not seem to have occurred to you as a possibility seems to say an awful lot about the relationships here.

So they visit your house 4 days out of the month. Their dad CLEARLY doesn't want to spend time with them/rejects them and their step mum thinks they're weird. No wonder they need to comfort each other.

I have 2 boys, currently 9 and 6 and they have their own rooms, but often bunk in together (in a single bed) - they like it, we coslept as babies, it means that if we stay somewhere else there's no problem with them sharing a bed etc.

I can imagine in a new situation when they were older that they'd share again - especially if they were asked to sleep in someone else's bed. Kinda minimising how much of them is in contact with someone-else's stuff.

some people have forgotten - or ignored - that this is in talk not AIBU.

The behaviour is certainly odd and you need to find out why they are uncomfortable being in your home. Ask the buys is there is anything you can do to make them feel more comfortable or make your husband ask them. You also need to tell your husband he needs to have more of a relationship with his sons. He needs to see them sometimes apart from when they visit you.

Stop making excuses for your sons too - what action do you take if they see the principal? You have badly behaved children.

Maybe try speak to them? Approach them in a proper manner without making them feel weird There is 7 years between my older sister and I. When we were growing up we shared a room. Two perfectly good beds in there. We grew up around DV and whenever there was a bad argument my sister used to lay beside me to keep me calm as best she could as I'd be afraid. This went on so many times it became the norm for a long time out of comfort. Nothing weird or odd just a big sister protecting a little sister.

Sounds like your husbands a twat and you don’t know how to do your own job.

eaglejulesk

Marriage and living together are not compulsory! Even once married, cohabitation is not compulsory.

When you have 7 other people's lives to consider, maybe it's not a foregone conclusion that selling 2 properties and buying 1 is the most sensible option. Especially when that one property doesn't accommodate the new combined family, so the family has to function in shifts, sharing the bedrooms .... The OP states that the 2 sets of teens have nothing in common and no real relationship, but the parents thought it was a good idea to move them. I see no benefits for anyone other than the 2 parents who get to spend every day together.

But then, OP describes how dysfunctional her relationship with her DH is because every weeknight and every weekend he shuts himself in the bedroom on his phone. It is such a problem that they are starting counselling!

The whole situation sounds weird tbh, but your stepsons sound a bit traumatised

Op, what advice would you give a client ?

Would it be: you and your husband need to get more involved with them and part of that is impose a bedtime and insist they have a shower. Speak to both your stepsons and sons and see how they get on.

Yep, first time here:) some of the calmer responses have provided guidance and insight and helped me see things from a different lens and I appreciate that very much. However, I came here with a concern and am an imperfect person just like we all are. I see that “weird” describing their behavior was triggering for some people and I’m sorry for that for it wasnot my intent. In addition to being a normally flawed human, I am a social worker and have recommended to many clients to find an online supportive discussion board where they can interact with their peers to share their stories and my main goal when doing this is to help them see that others sometimes have similar problems and they don’t have to feel so alone & isolated anymore. That realization can be a very valuable thing. I do regret my word choice of “weird” and can see that it has negative connotations. However, apart from being a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, & yes, even a social worker who is just a human being having a bit of a rough patch and trying to navigate my way through this pretty new situation. I’m allowed to have negative feelings about my step kids. That’s a pretty common occurrence. What I’m not allowed to do is to not provide kindness, caretaking, and what I must do is to approach them at all times with warmth & empathy, which is exactly what I do. I agree that my husband’s lack of interaction with them is worrisome and I plan to bring it up at our next counseling session. Thank you to everyone who kindly offered their take on the situation without making me feel like a total bitch.

@HannaYeah your information is incorrect. In the United States, an MSW program takes two years to complete if it is at an accredited school.

No, I know for certain there are ways to do it faster.

Anyway, I wouldn’t go waving that flag around as if it makes you an expert on being an adult, raising a family, communicating properly. Most people I know that go into the field do it because they are trying to figure their own damage out. I find plenty of them to be very dangerous people.

For example, even schools like Columbia (!) offer programs that can be completed in ten months using credits from one’s bachelors degree, leaving 40-42 hours only to achieve an MSW. The outcome is as good as the person themselves.

I’m not trying to discredit the whole field, but I find the type of pomposity you displayed here, telling another adult you’ll teach her how to communicate far too common to social workers. So many don’t seem to have any humility or respect for the damage they can do to another person or family.

Op, your last post was gracious, however can you not communicate with your family rather than a counsellor ?

I’d concentrate on the other issues, like their father not interacting with them, the lack of hygiene, the sons not interacting with the stepsons rather than the bed sharing.

I'm afraid your last post sounds like it's part of a dissertation rather than writing personally from the heart. I almost expected to see references cited at the end!

OP, the set up you and your DH have with your joint children is poor, to say the least. You decided between you that your own children are more important to both of you than his children. They clearly feel that utter rejection.
You don't need a counsellor to tell your DH he is being a shit parent, you can do that perfectly well yourself.

Those poor lads.

Your 4 are “wild” and always in trouble at high school. They sound intimidating.
His 3 huddle together, only play video games, have no interaction with their Dad that isn’t forced by you and don’t have beds or spaces the the home for their visits EOW.

You may as well have hung a banner over the front door - We Barely Tolerate You.
You and your husband need a king think about how disrespectfully you treat his children

Omg what a load of woke twaddle. Brits don’t tend to talk like they’ve swallowed an evangelical text book.

Your sons act like hooligans, your husband barely interacts with you and your step sons are showing signs of distress. Yet you’re pretending to yourself that you’re oh so calm, centred and together. Float down from your pedestal and take a good look in the mirror.

Yes two teenage boys choosing to sleep in the same bed is a little odd!! Teenage boys being allowed to spend all their time gamin is a little odd!!
Husband spending all spare time in his room on his phone is a little odd!!
Two calls a month from the principle is a little odd!!
Being unable to afford an 8 bedroom house is not odd!!
Sounds like some serious communication issues I would suggest cutting off the wifi and all technology including phone contracts until, all start communication, no phone calls from school and husband removes himself from his room.

I agree that my husband’s lack of interaction with them is worrisome and I plan to bring it up at our next counseling session
Or you could actually TALK directly to him today rather than waiting to communicate thru a third party.

I’d like to ask him but I’m worried he will get defensive & think that I’m just being a jerk.

This is appalling.
Do you know how your DH interacted with his sons when they were at his home?
If he has been ignoring them for years, it's no wonder they're withdrawn now.
In any case, his lack of interest now must be upsetting for them.
I can easily imagine that they don't want to interact with you and to pretend that everything is okay, while their dad mostly ignores them.

You are seeing the boys as the problem when, in fact, it's your DH and the situation they are being pushed into for 4 days per month.

I would be very concerned about these boys. Do they feel the need to sleep in the same bed at their mums house? Is there something at your house that is making them feel uncomfortable or scared? Why doesn’t their dad bother with them? Why are your sons so out of control?

Come on op you claim to be a social worker, but you see, to have no emotional intelligence

I question the OPs validity as a SW if they don't even possess the communication skills talk to their own husband about his sons' behaviour. That's about duty of care to two vulnerable young people.

@MNHQ ???