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Original poster

My already pretty weird stepsons just got even weirder, at least, *i* think so ;)

135 replies

Indyboymom4 · 02/01/2020 04:55

My super weird stepsons just keep getting weirder

So I’ve looked all over the internets and couldn’t find anything that could help me understand a new very strange (to me at least) thing my stepsons are doing so here I am asking you guys...very brief backstory is that up until several months ago, my husband had his own home and I had mine so on the weekends he had his boys they stayed over there & my four boys were of course at home with me. Our kids have very different personalities or things in common so we rarely hung out together. When we got married in July we gave up our respective homes and bought a house together. The upshot is his kids stay here and sleep in my kids’ rooms on the four days a month they are with their dad. I switched weekends with my ex-husband (the father of my kids) so we have them on different weekends. (Sorry for not being as brief as I promised!) Anyway, they seem very strange to me and I’m never sure if they really ARE weird or just seem like it to me because they are so different from my kids (they are all teenagers) here is the weird thing I have a question about...two of them choose to sleep together in the same bed even though there are two separate (but equal!) beds in the room. They are 16 & 14. There are no cultural differences since they are all the same race and were all born and raised in the same city in a midwestern state (in the US) does this seem odd to anyone else? Has anybody else dealt with something like this? Or am I the weird one for thinking it’s weird? I get that it probably feels not great to them to have to sleep in my kids’ beds & I totally understand & I try to make them feel comfortable when they are here. I just can’t wrap my head around them choosing to be in the same bed at their ages when they are already together in the very same room.

OP posts:
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Seriouslyconfused3 · 02/01/2020 08:05

Are they scared of something op? Maybe one of your ds’s?

When you think about it it’s terrible that we’d be ok with two girls bed sharing but find it weird boys want the same comfort- no wonder there’s such an increase in male mental health issues

paranoidmum2 · 02/01/2020 08:06

And when I was 14, sis was 16, so seems notmal to me.

HannaYeah · 02/01/2020 08:12

OP it sounds like you personally should be seeking out counseling. This whole situation is beyond the help an online forum could provide.

@Mummyoflittledragon unfortunately in the US a person can get a masters in ten months then do a little on the job training and be considered a LCSW. It seems to be a degree cooked up by the insurance companies and universities to make money. It’s no indication of anything and I’ve met countless who are counseling children and families while their own lives and behaviors are in utter disarray. Some are wonderful, helpful, insightful people so I don’t want mean to paint them all with the same brush. There’s really no quality control mechanism though.

daisychain01 · 02/01/2020 08:14

it would be really great to be able to afford a house big enough for 9 people so everyone could have their own room, but unfortunately we can only afford a four bedroom house.*

You and your partner are the adults.

You have both taken leave of your senses deciding to throw 9 people together into one house and expecting it to somehow work. If you've got concerns with your 2 "weird" Stepsons, how about you get off the internet and talk with their father about it?

If you can't even communicate with the father of those children you should be in a relationship.

ArcWorc · 02/01/2020 08:14

Where does your third stepson sleep? Are they all in the same room?

Soontobe60 · 02/01/2020 08:15

I thînk one reason they share a bed could be because your own boys, or at least one of them, has told them in no uncertain terms not to sleep in his bed. It could be the one who is always in trouble at school.
OP, I'm afraid you and your DH are doing a really crap job at parenting these boys. I feel sorry for them. Your DH doesn't show any interest in them, you think they're weird, and yet you purport to be a social worker? The whole bloody family needs counselling! It's bad enough when step children have to share rooms in a house that belonged to the step mother, but you've bought a house jointly, and chose not to get one big enough for them to have their own room. I'm assuming you had a 3 bed house and DH had at least a 2 bed? So why not buy a 5 bed? You've just not factored in his boys needs in the house purchase. 'Oh we only have them for 4 days a month so they can sleep anywhere.'
Maybe they shared beds at their fathers house before he bought one with you?
Get the boys their own bedroom, stop treating them as second class children and step up to loving parenting - both of you!

PinkCrayon · 02/01/2020 08:15

I do think it's weird they share a bed at their ages, But what I think is weirder is that you kept your sons separate before moving in, why would you not let them all get to know each other properly first before expecting them all to share a room together?

PinkCrayon · 02/01/2020 08:17

"I thînk one reason they share a bed could be because your own boys, or at least one of them, has told them in no uncertain terms not to sleep in his bed. It could be the one who is always in trouble at school."

Could this also be the case op?

GrannyBags · 02/01/2020 08:17

Bit late to the party but @HopeItComesWithBatteries said it all ready.

SuperMeerkat · 02/01/2020 08:22

Why are people obsessing over the number of room thing? @Indyboymom4 can’t afford a big enough house for everyone to have a room of their own so get over it people.

I’m a mum of one and SM of two but the Step kids have to share as they’re only with us 4 days a month. We couldn’t afford to stretch the budget by £100k to accommodate 4 nights a month. In answer to the OP’s question, I do think it’s a little strange that they do this, especially at their age. However, you should just leave it as it’s their choice. Telling them it’s weird will probably make them more anxious and worried.

ArcWorc · 02/01/2020 08:25

Also - is it that there is a double and a single in one room, so all three sleep there? Or do both rooms have 2 singles, so one child would be alone in a separate room? There could be many different scenarios - none of which would be unusual in the slightest.......

Dollymixture22 · 02/01/2020 08:26

It is a little odd and I would be worried they don’t feel comfortable in their dads home.

Why is contact so low?

lunar1 · 02/01/2020 08:27

Normally my boys wouldn't want to share a bed, though I can imagine they might if they were scared/uncomfortable etc. They would definitely turn to each other for support.

The home situation you and your husband have placed them in certainly casts them as outsiders, it sounds like they have cocooned themselves off from the rest of you for the duration of their stay.

It's more than likely the situation they have been put in which has caused the slightly unusual behaviour.

It's worrying that a social worker can't see things from a different perspective.

Louise91417 · 02/01/2020 08:27

Really dont no why op is getting such a bashing. Is it weird a 14 and 16yr old share a bed when they dont have?..yip..at very least it is strangeHmm

EntropyRising · 02/01/2020 08:29

My boys are 13 and 17 and although they have separate rooms, it is very normal for them to share a bed - I don't know about a twin bed (perhaps in a stressful situation). I find them curled up together all the time, I think it's very sweet.

Do you think there's something inappropriate going on between them?

Catsandchardonnay · 02/01/2020 08:33

OP do you not realise how very wrong it is to describe children as “super weird”? Did you not pick that up from any of your training? It is the behaviour you should be describing as weird, not the person themselves. If it even is weird. I would describe it as unusual not weird.

Get your DH out of his room and get him to parent his kids. Playing video games non-stop for 2 and a half days is much more worrying than sharing a bed. They’ve probably had their realities disturbed so much by all the gaming and no parental interaction that they’re clinging together for security. I feel sorry for them. They have to spend 4 days a month with a parent who doesn’t seem to care about them and a stepmum who talks about them like you do. Poor things.

slartibarti · 02/01/2020 08:34

Have you asked them why they're sharing a bed?
As a social worker you should know how to do that in a supportive non-confrontational way.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2020 08:42

@HannaYeah
Thanks for the explanation. I have no training in social work or similar but 10 months and little on the job training seems woefully inadequate. And that it’s cooked up for profit is shameful.

seven201 · 02/01/2020 08:46

Maybe it's just for a silly reason like they think one of your sons doesn't wash much, so they don't want to have to sleep in that bed. Just ask them if there's a reason so you can help. I hope they have their own bedding sets. It must be hard for them feeling like unwanted visitors with such a crap dad. I think you were a bit foolish buying a house with a man you're already having issues with.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 02/01/2020 08:54

I think that your response is pretty confrontational and rude
First time on aibu?

Ivyr0se · 02/01/2020 08:55

With 4 rooms, you could give 2 boys one room each, with bunk beds. It would help your step sons to feel more welcome and have their own space.

It would also indicate to all the children that they are all equal and much loved.

HannaYeah · 02/01/2020 08:56

@Mummyoflittledragon
I should also say that there are longer more reputable programs, but I know more than one that did MSW programs that allow you to finish quickly. They do “supervised” clinical hours to qualify also. My point is that it’s not at all the same as a psychiatrist and definitely doesn’t mean the person is an expert in healthy behaviors or healthy themselves.

Imagine having your family counseled by a person who is cheating on their own spouse. I know of two different situations like that!

Just my opinion that it’s all profit driven. Insurance pays for this type of counseling and we can churn out LCSW much faster than actual doctors.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2020 09:01

Hannah
Yes, I understood that not all courses were like this. The example of the cheating counsellor counselling a family in a similar crisis is awful.

HannaYeah · 02/01/2020 09:06

Just didn’t want a team of angry US LCSW coming after me! Crown Wink

TorysSuckRevokeArticle50 · 02/01/2020 09:08

Do they actually want to spend time with you and your DH, do they want to continue contact?

They sound like they are incredibly uncomfortable at your house, segregating themselves from you and DH during the day, sleeping together at night for comfort.

I would usually expect 14 and 16 year old siblings to want to spend some time away from each other, the fact that you describe them essentially huddling together against you and DH is concerning.

Is there or has there ever been verbal or physical abuse towards the children or their mum from your DH?

Do you know how the children are when they are at home with their mum? Are they quiet and insular like you describe or comfortable and more gregarious when in their home surroundings?