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Original poster

My already pretty weird stepsons just got even weirder, at least, *i* think so ;)

135 replies

Indyboymom4 · 02/01/2020 04:55

My super weird stepsons just keep getting weirder

So I’ve looked all over the internets and couldn’t find anything that could help me understand a new very strange (to me at least) thing my stepsons are doing so here I am asking you guys...very brief backstory is that up until several months ago, my husband had his own home and I had mine so on the weekends he had his boys they stayed over there & my four boys were of course at home with me. Our kids have very different personalities or things in common so we rarely hung out together. When we got married in July we gave up our respective homes and bought a house together. The upshot is his kids stay here and sleep in my kids’ rooms on the four days a month they are with their dad. I switched weekends with my ex-husband (the father of my kids) so we have them on different weekends. (Sorry for not being as brief as I promised!) Anyway, they seem very strange to me and I’m never sure if they really ARE weird or just seem like it to me because they are so different from my kids (they are all teenagers) here is the weird thing I have a question about...two of them choose to sleep together in the same bed even though there are two separate (but equal!) beds in the room. They are 16 & 14. There are no cultural differences since they are all the same race and were all born and raised in the same city in a midwestern state (in the US) does this seem odd to anyone else? Has anybody else dealt with something like this? Or am I the weird one for thinking it’s weird? I get that it probably feels not great to them to have to sleep in my kids’ beds & I totally understand & I try to make them feel comfortable when they are here. I just can’t wrap my head around them choosing to be in the same bed at their ages when they are already together in the very same room.

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TatianaLarina · 02/01/2020 06:35

Well I do think it’s odd. But then I find the whole tone of your post odd. A social worker calling children “weird” especially her own stepsons? If you work with people with similar issues on a daily basis why do you show so little insight into them?

I also find it odd that you say you spend more time with them than your DH. He only sees them 4 day a month. Why is he spending less time with them than you? Why is he not talking to you about them at all? Does he not really have much interest in them? Why is it you who ‘gets’ their dad to come out of his bedroom to play games with them? Why is he not doing that off his own bat?

Perhaps stepsons are unhappy with the arrangement and clinging to each other for emotional support in an alien environment.

And yes I agree with the others: 4 beds = 2 for your 4 boys, 1 for you and 1 for your stepsons. It’s really important they have their own space.

Alicealicewhothe · 02/01/2020 06:42

Maybe they are weirded out by their stepmum who seems to think she is better than them as she is a licensed clinical social worker and they want security by sharing a room together incase their weird stepmum tries to over analysis their behaviours and do something crazy as part of that. Maybe your too intense and therefore they dont like being left alone with you.

How many children does your DH have? Agree 4th bedroom should be their room that could be used as an extra space for your kids to hang out in when they are not there.

It is strange that you havent tried to blend your family together more and kept it so separate. And your husband doesnt seem interested in spending time with his kids. It wont be long in suspect before they stop coming to your place anyway if their dad doesnt show them any effort.

7Swans · 02/01/2020 06:42

It is disappointing that you aren't able to express your opinion like an adult. If you want help with that, I am a licensed clinical social worker and work with clients having the same difficulties on a daily basis.

Oh dear God.

Reporting and hoping hairy hander for those boys' and clients' sakes.

Sparklybaublefest · 02/01/2020 06:42

if they didnt share a bed, would they have separate rooms?
in which case that could be the reason

SpudsAreLife84 · 02/01/2020 06:46

With 4 bedrooms, I'd put my 4 in 2 of the rooms, myself and DH in 1 and my DSS's in the other so that they could have their own space. I would never ask them to sleep in another childs bed like a houseguest in their Dads home Sad

IHateBlueLights · 02/01/2020 06:48

Ignore the vipers, OP.

It is weird. Very weird, but have you asked them why?

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/01/2020 06:55

I agree it's very odd to share a bed at those ages.

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 02/01/2020 06:55

It’s not the conventional norm, but I wouldn’t describe it as weird. They sound very close, which can only be a good and positive thing.

Everyone is different, but initially when you described them as weird I thought it would be something off the scale.

But I agree, some people have given you some unpleasant responses. Spoils the tone on a thread but you’ll always get that.

Van the boys not get a separate room though if you have 4 bedrooms?

Sparklybaublefest · 02/01/2020 06:57

oh I just had a re-read. there are two beds in the room and they choose to share.
no idea,
my dds would do the same.

Sparklybaublefest · 02/01/2020 06:58

get dh to tell them, they would be more comfortable sleeping separately

Sparklybaublefest · 02/01/2020 06:58

they are probably looking at a phone together or something?

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2020 07:00

@Ginfordinner
Yes I know she does gin. She’s talked about 8 people so that’s 2 to a room but apparently there are 9 of them. I asked her who no 9 was but she’s yet to reply.

It is very important for them to have their own space. Right now all they see is dad playing happy families and op shipping off her kids for a few days to accommodate them in beds, which aren’t even their own.

Ignore the vipers
Very easy to say this once op has apologised... after she insulted 2 boys and posters. Until that point, I’d say people were pretty restrained.

Bringonspring · 02/01/2020 07:01

There is a really unpleasant undertone about all of this. You have kept your families really separate. You did this pre marriage and have continued post.

I do find it surprising that they opted to sleep in the same bed but the fact you didn’t just ask them shows a lack of relationship with them. It could be really simple answers like powder charger as PP said. It could also be more concerning reasons like one of your sons told them not to sleep in their bed, they took comfort because of the strange circumstances. What are the ages of your sons?

The language you use to describe the situation is really telling on you ‘weird’. Different to your sons etc.

I really need do think you need to reflect on your whole family unit

Pulpfiction1 · 02/01/2020 07:02

Op, you should be aware in mn world all none resident children should have a their own individual rooms in your house irregardless of how little time they are there. Resident children are also less important and have to sacrifice things or go without for non resident children.

You as a stepmum can't win no matter what you do.

Angie6868 · 02/01/2020 07:03

FWIW I think it's weird

TW2013 · 02/01/2020 07:04

What do they do at their mother's house? Maybe they are used to sharing a bed. There are worse things a teenager could be up to in their bedroom.

LatentPhase · 02/01/2020 07:06

FWIW I also think it’s weird. But you have committed the sin of speaking negatively about your dsc you’ll not much sympathy here on MN.

Has their dad spoken to them about why they are sharing a bed?

Original poster
Indyboymom4 · 02/01/2020 07:06

My husband has three boys:) I said that about getting my husband out of the bedroom because he is pretty much in there watching the news or messing around with stuff on his phone. He does this every weekend & weeknight, not just when his boys are here. It’s a problem for sure and we just started counseling and it’s one of the main reasons we are doing that. One effect it’s had is making it harder for me to form a relationship with my stepsons. And as I said in my original post, I explained that his kids are really different than mine so the things I see as odd or unusual might just seem that way to me because they are doing things my kids wouldn’t do or not doing things my kids would do. TBH, my kids are wild & im getting a phone call from the principal on at least one of them at least twice a month. I’m sure that if the situation was reversed & my kids had to go live with my step kids mom, she would totally think they were weird:) as far as what other thing do they do that strike me as odd: they don’t shower or brush their teeth at all while they are here, they sit together in the living room and I can’t hear them talking to each other, they never ever go outside & just do their video games the entire time they are here. Last weekend my husband got their game hooked up for them & they literally sat on the same couch for 2 and a half days. They have big black circles under their eyes and Their skin is pale and unhealthy looking. I’m realizing as I write this that I need to somehow get across to my husband that he needs to interact with all of us to help facilitate our relationship (& his relationship with them)

OP posts:
Original poster
Indyboymom4 · 02/01/2020 07:07

I’d like to ask him but I’m worried he will get defensive & think that I’m just being a jerk.

OP posts:
CanIHaveADrink · 02/01/2020 07:08

I would take that as a sign of anxiety/distress more than anything else....

Maybe the fact their dad can’t be bothered to look after them has something to do with it it. Maybe it’s because of the move (assuming they weren’t doing so when they slept at their dad’s) and they dint feel at home.

Your best bet wouod be to talk to them tbh.

TatianaLarina · 02/01/2020 07:09

So you’ve married a man who doesn’t come out of his bedroom?

Sounds like his sons are following his lead really.

CanIHaveADrink · 02/01/2020 07:12

Xpost.

Yes you have a DH problem there. And a crap father.
The dark circles under the eyes is probably from the lack of sleep from gaming all night.
The being quiet and not talking is like my own teens unless you actually make the effort to interact with them.

It sounds like you are the one to make all the effort there. From organising counselling to trying to get your dsc better etc... and your DH does fuck all tbh.

Bringonspring · 02/01/2020 07:13

You and your husband allowed them to go that for 2 and half days. Yes of course there needs to be parenting here/relationships formed etc. It sounds also that you need to improve your parenting of your own children, the level of contact from the school is concerning with regards to their behaviour. I’m not sure if it was reverse she would say ‘weird’ she would say badly behaved.

I’m really worried about how this ‘family’ is brining up all of these boys. It’s a new year so I think you need to really reflect and make some changes. Those two boys sleeping in the same bed is the least of your concerns

Seriouslyconfused3 · 02/01/2020 07:14

I feel really sorry for them there are obviously some underlying issues but frankly op your Dh needs a kick up the arse

custardbear · 02/01/2020 07:17

Your DH sounds strange if he's shutting himself in the bedroom and not interacting with the family!
I'd give 1
Room to all non residential children with sufficient beds, probably the largest bedroom in the house

Residential children a bedroom each then you and DH have 4th room

Have gaming time by all means but interact and take them out other times when they visit

Curfew so they get some sleep, and decent food and fresh air for a bit during the day

A little effort can radically change the family dynamics but you two are the adults and you need to instigate it