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Original poster

My already pretty weird stepsons just got even weirder, at least, *i* think so ;)

135 replies

Indyboymom4 · 02/01/2020 04:55

My super weird stepsons just keep getting weirder

So I’ve looked all over the internets and couldn’t find anything that could help me understand a new very strange (to me at least) thing my stepsons are doing so here I am asking you guys...very brief backstory is that up until several months ago, my husband had his own home and I had mine so on the weekends he had his boys they stayed over there & my four boys were of course at home with me. Our kids have very different personalities or things in common so we rarely hung out together. When we got married in July we gave up our respective homes and bought a house together. The upshot is his kids stay here and sleep in my kids’ rooms on the four days a month they are with their dad. I switched weekends with my ex-husband (the father of my kids) so we have them on different weekends. (Sorry for not being as brief as I promised!) Anyway, they seem very strange to me and I’m never sure if they really ARE weird or just seem like it to me because they are so different from my kids (they are all teenagers) here is the weird thing I have a question about...two of them choose to sleep together in the same bed even though there are two separate (but equal!) beds in the room. They are 16 & 14. There are no cultural differences since they are all the same race and were all born and raised in the same city in a midwestern state (in the US) does this seem odd to anyone else? Has anybody else dealt with something like this? Or am I the weird one for thinking it’s weird? I get that it probably feels not great to them to have to sleep in my kids’ beds & I totally understand & I try to make them feel comfortable when they are here. I just can’t wrap my head around them choosing to be in the same bed at their ages when they are already together in the very same room.

OP posts:
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Winterflower84 · 02/01/2020 07:18

Hi OP, I don't understand why people are attacking you. My answer to your question is yes, it is pretty weird. They are not 4 and 6 years old. I am not a stepmum so don't know how that dynamics works but could you approach them kindly and ask why they prefer to share a bed if there's a space available? Just mention you want to make sure they are comfortable in the house or something like that. Or get your husband to deal with it? But yes, if there's a space offered to them but they still choose to sleep on one bed, it is weird.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 02/01/2020 07:19

They sound anxious and traumatised tbh. Huddling together for protection.

They have to spend 4 days a month in a house where they are clearly uncomfortable and unwanted by their ‘father’. Horrible.

Noti23 · 02/01/2020 07:19

Yeah, that’s weird. People hate you because you’re a step mum.

C’mon people, they’re 14 and 16 not 10 and 12.

Sparklybaublefest · 02/01/2020 07:20

Are you seriously that passive that you would let them sit in the same position for two and a half days?
you are the weird one

Sparklybaublefest · 02/01/2020 07:21

Perhaps you need to go back to separate houses

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2020 07:22

Custardbear
Yes this. Plus blending the family better.
Bed 1 - non resident 3 sds’s
Bed 2 - op and dh
Bed 3 - 2 of her ds’s
Bed 4 - ditto

differentnameforthis · 02/01/2020 07:22

Would you think it was weird if 2 girls did it?

Why do you speak about them in such negative tones?
Super weird weirder

Does your husband know you talk about them like this?

LatentPhase · 02/01/2020 07:23

OP you have a dh problem.

He is failing you and them by failing to parent his kids.

You can’t solve this without DH on board. He is the problem.

Marmitepasta · 02/01/2020 07:24

Yes the problem here is your 'd'h. He sounds like a pretty crap father.
Also, I think it is really bad that your stepsons do not have their own room. No wonder they feel uncomfortable. Having to sleep in your sons' beds (or bed as the case may be 🤣). Talk about making them feel unwelcome.
If you have 4 bedrooms and there are I think 7 sons who live st some point in the house, why can you do
1 your bedroom
2 and 3 your sons' bedrooms
4 your stepsons' bedroom

The whole set up (uninterested dad + having to sleep in someone else's bedroom) just sounds awful for them

GertiMJN · 02/01/2020 07:27

FWIW I do think it is unusual for the 14 and 16 year olds to choose to sleep in the same bed.

But, there is so much more in your life that I find much weirder and difficult to understand.

Given that you have 7 teenage boys between you who are very different in personality, I can't imagine why you decided to sell up your respective homes and move in together. Having his sons use your sons rooms when they are away is really weird to me.

And your DH's behaviour is weird full stop. You only got married in July and are in counselling because he spends all his time on his phone in the bedroom ... Why is all this news to you? And why on earth did you not leave things as they were, living in your respective homes?

eaglejulesk · 02/01/2020 07:30

Given that you have 7 teenage boys between you who are very different in personality, I can't imagine why you decided to sell up your respective homes and move in together. Having his sons use your sons rooms when they are away is really weird to me.

Isn't it normal when people get married to move in together? The OP said they did this in July when they got married.

pilates · 02/01/2020 07:31

I think your DH behaviour is weirder. He has them four times a month and can’t be arsed to parent them. May be they are sticking together because they feel insecure 😟

MiniGuinness · 02/01/2020 07:31

People hate you because you’re a step mum.
That makes no sense at all.
The OP called children weird. That’s pretty disgusting, then claimed to be a licensed clinical social worker. Would a social worker really talk about children this way? Especially children in her blended family. She sounds pretty horrible really, these kids are clearly not welcome.

LemonPrism · 02/01/2020 07:37

Me and my sister did this all the time, we'd fall asleep chatting or pissing around. Especially at dads, it's comforting.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 02/01/2020 07:37

They sound like they aren’t comfortable in the house to be honest. Huge change for them and they are teenagers. They probably also suspect you don’t like them

HopeItComesWithBatteries · 02/01/2020 07:39

Tbh OP there seem to be a few “weird” things going on from your post.

The behaviour you mention.

The fact you and your DH seem to have made very little effort to integrate your families and all get to know each other before the wedding. How did you know it was going to work? You didn’t.

The fact your DH spends all his time in the bedroom messing about on his phone - just like the average teenage boy in fact.

The fact that your husband seems to make very little effort with them and you do all the running ( credit to you for that).

The fact you got married in July and you’re already in counselling.

Let’s be honest, it’s not great is it?

The boys probably - understandably- - feel uncomfortable in your home, and your husband’s not exactly putting out the welcome mat, is he? Your kids get shipped off too when they arrive.

Either that, or they feel unsafe for some reason.

You and your husband seem to have rushed this and handled it badly. You BOTH need to focus now on building bridges before it’s too late -as someone else said, soon they’ll be able to choose whether to come or not.

I feel very sorry for them. Good luck.

LemonPrism · 02/01/2020 07:43

Reading the FT it sounds like they just hate being there and rely on each other because they feel uncomfortable. DH needs to step up

HopeItComesWithBatteries · 02/01/2020 07:43

A question - did all the children come to your wedding? How did that day go?

NewName73 · 02/01/2020 07:47

It does sound unusual at that age.

Do you know the sleeping arrangements when they are at their other parent's house?

Can you give them a separate bedroom each?

It's a shame they don't spend time with your kids ever ... even if they are different, it's good to learn how to get along with people who are different.

Your DH needs to step up and interact with his kids more. Can you facilitate this? Get everyone outside to play a game of soccer, arrange a trip to the movies ... etc

Oh, and if you are new to MN, ignore the vipers. Worse at the moment because of Xmas holidays and some people have too much time on their hands ...

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 02/01/2020 07:56

HopeItComesWithBatteries has said pretty much everything I thought.

HannaYeah · 02/01/2020 07:56

It sounds to me like would have little reason to feel like their dad cares about them. Only 4 days a month they stay with him and you have to get him to come out of his bedroom.

Now at one of the toughest times developmentally for these boys, he lives nearly full time with 4 other teen boys. Can you imagine how that makes them feel?

Not sure how long they have been basically abandoned both emotionally and physically by their father, but it’s likely older one has long been a surrogate father for the younger one.

They might be strange or just might be extremely uncomfortable being forced into this new and even worse family situation. It’s a traumatic and depressing thing to basically loose your father and not be given any indication that there is even space anymore in his life for you. Using some other kid’s bedroom would make it clear they are barely an afterthought.

Their Dad sounds pretty weird himself, possibly very depressed and definitely unable to function as an adult. I’d be worried about having your own boys see a man acting like this.

At minimum these boys deserve their own (shared) bedroom in their father’s house, even if he basically ever sees them.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 02/01/2020 07:56

TBH, my kids are wild & im getting a phone call from the principal on at least one of them at least twice a month

Your kids aren't "wild" they are badly behaved.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2020 08:01

I’ve just read the private messages and blocked you. I don’t appreciate being told I am rude and need to act like an adult and you can help with that because of your clinical training. You have so much disfunction in your household op. I suggest you use that training in your home. The irony of your posts and private messages are palpable.

paranoidmum2 · 02/01/2020 08:03

You have a husband problem, OP!

Is the bed a double? I've always had night terrors and would have much preferred sharing a double with my sister when we were kids, even at 14. Even now I sleep like a baby when DH is here, not so well on my own.

olivertwistwantsmore · 02/01/2020 08:03

You're really a social worker? With such a poor ability to parent your own kids, and such a lack of understanding of their people and their behaviour? If this is true, I'm sorry for your clients.

Why let your stepsons sit on the couch and game for two days?

And why did you marry your useless husband?? You have a DH problem. He won't come out of your room? Won't parent his kids? Won't talk to you about his dc?

Why on Earth did you marry him if he's always been like this? Those poor kids.