Too young for a phone??

[janekay129]

Just looking for some advice for my 9 year old step-daughter, her mother has gone behind my partners back and given her a phone with access to the internet (unrestricted and we have found out she has social media now aswell) my partner feels she is far too young to have a phone and to be on any social media and has no need for one as she is still in primary school. None of her friends have one either. My daughter is the same age and my son is 7. I am quite strict when it comes to the internet/social media, they have tablets that have restrictions on and both know that they can't have social media until I deem it appropriate. My step daughter recently sent my partner a video of swearing and a few other things that a 9 year old should not be watching or repeating. We spoke to the mother who said it's none of our business what she does on her phone. The 9 year old is also talking to strangers and seems to be left to her own devices. The mother just doesn't seem to care and we wondered if there was anything we could do without upsetting anyone. when she's with us she knows to follow our rules but reminds us she can do what she likes at her mums and she doesn't have to listen, she gets told that when she's here she's treated the same as everyone and respects our rules but this falls on deaf ears most of the time and it's becoming difficult because my 9year old is starting to pick up on it. We are trying to be consistent with her but it proves difficult when it's constantly on sided.

As a SP myself I have had similar issues concerning phones/devices, we did same as you & spike to mother who took it as if we were attacking her parenting rather than as a concern for daughter, we put heavy restrictions on her phone with various passwords & security measures (family sharing on iPhone) that only we could remove so her mother couldn’t change them without asking for the password and any purchases had to be approved etc, anyway her mother wasn’t happy about it but my husband told her that if any restrictions are removed or if she is caught looking at things that were not age appropriate then he would confiscate the phone indefinitely. It seemed to do the trick and there were no issues after that

Do as the PP suggested.

I am a mum and a step mum to girls the same age (both 8) one has a phone (my daughter) and my SD doesnt. It comes down to if its right for the child.

If your SD's mum wants her to have a mobile when she is with her then fine. If dad doesn't want her to then ask her to leave it at her mums when she comes over. Doesn't need to be a power struggle between the parents. No criticizing of mum required.

What tiptoe said.
Jerseygirl - have you any concept of the dangers of mobile phones? This isn’t about a power struggle or what’s right for the child it’s about safeguarding!

I’m sorry but why does a kid of that age need a phone? I personally think secondary school onwards when they’re venturing out on their own etc.

This isn’t about a power struggle or what’s right for the child it’s about safeguarding
This.
I honestly am aghast people let young children have access to phones. It’s madness

Does she need a phone? My son had one at 10 as he started walking home from school on his own at that age. He had a lot of restrictions on it to start, some of which have been lifted now he is at High School and has proved that he can be trusted. I still check it daily though.

Also, your SD is too young for most Social Media - have they lied about her age? You would be surprised how often that happens. As a Safeguarding Officer for both school and church I can not tell you how many conversations I’ve had with parents who ignore age limits.

They can be dangerous, but only if your not responsible with them.
My dd has to walk to after school club and I like knowing i can call her from work while she makes that journey. Not always dangerous in the right hands with the right, age appropriate restrictions.

I honestly am aghast people let young children have access to phones. It’s madness

Yeah, absolutely. My 10 year old, Type 1 diabetic, has a phone. It means he can record his own glucose monitoring, can look up and calculate the carb content of his food so he can correctly calculate his insulin requirements, can walk home after school and know he is able to contact me - or phone an ambulance - if he is unwell. But yeah, madness. Utter madness.

I personally think that 9 is too young if it is not needed for some of the safety issues PPs have mentioned.
My DPs exw got their youngest a phone at younger than 9... ..went against DP and got it anyway. There was none of the safety concerns as mentioned in PPs ie walking home from school. Within a few months they were on social media and yes they had lied about their age.

What XJerseyGirl said. The op's stepdaughter doesn't bring the phone to her house, what she does at her mum's house is up to her mum.

Well that’s very different circumstances though isn’t it @Sotiredofthislife. In your instance a phone is appropriate, in others not so much.

I remember when a couple of my DD's friends had mobile at in year 5 or 6. The mum's were labelled as irresponsbile, putting the girls in a vulnerable position, and got really slatted.

Well they are now 20yo and both are at Uni and doing very well. None got into trouble. Ironically, the big scandal that took place at secondary school was as a result of a girl who had just got her first mobile at Xmas in Year 7.

Everyone is entitled to have their own belief in terms of what is the right age to have a mobile but no-one has the right to judge others.

The problem is, snowball, is that people say stuff without recognising that we all have parenting choices to make and that we make choices according to our circumstances. I can’t stand the blanket ‘I am honestly aghast...it’s madness’ type comments aimed at proving what wonderful parents they are and how shit those of us are that make different decisions. If you make a blanket, sweeping statement, you can expect others to fight that. My older children didn’t have phones till they were on high school but the technology is an essential element of keeping my youngest healthy. It would be madness not to use it.

Your DP needs to discuss what's best for his daughter her mother, no need for you to get involved, she has 2 parents and you're not one of them so nose out.

with her mother

@Sotiredofthislife yours is a very unusual set of circumstances and nothing to do with the OP.
Most kids do not need a phone, especially that young. And yes it is madness to let young children have a phone in almost all circumstances.
Can I ask what you would have done in your situation without the phone?

Also you let a 10yr diabetic child walk home on their own?
Again, madness.

Yeah, madness. Utter madness. At what point did I say he walks alone? Wouldn’t I also be a bad parent if I didn’t ensure my year 6 child was appropriately prepared for high school come September where he will be potentially walking alone? Maybe think, just a little, before you judge? Without the phone, we would still be having to make preparations but we would be doing it with considerably more trepidation.

If he’s not walking home alone, why does he need the phone?
Again, you’ve made your choices but I still see no reason why 99.9% of 10 year olds need or should have a mobile phone.

Again, you’ve made your choices but I still see no reason why 99.9% of 10 year olds need or should have a mobile phone

You don't see it, others do, end of. There are bound to be things you allow your kids to do that others will think there is not need for it. Raise your kids as you see fit, let others do the same.

NewName
There are obviously regional differences in Y6 behaviours.
Round here, many Y6 (so, age 10, turning 11) are walking home without a parent. Most of them have a phone. My Y6 usually walks home with me, as I'm collecting his younger brother, but those going "home alone" are often with a friend. There are very few who are totally alone.
I would say 90% of the Y6s have a phone.

Sigh. Because....technology. Read up on it before judging. I also made the decision in conjunction with my child’s other parent, his diabetic nurse and the school. We all consider this to be an appropriate form of action for him. But hey, if you say it’s unnecessary madness, that must be the case . After all, you know my child better than me.

@KittenVsXmastree the OP’s SD is 9, so at the eldest at the start of Yr5, possibly even Yr4. There’s a big difference between kids of Yr4/5 and Yr6 in emotional maturity and levels of freedom.
Oh FGS @Sotiredofthislife I said there is no reason for 99.9% of kids of OP’s SD’s age to have a phone. Not your diabetic yr6 kid, but you’re determined to labour the point even though your circumstances are totally different (just like you do on every thread I’ve seen you post on).
The OP’s SD isn’t emotionally mature enough for one as she’s sending / viewing massively inappropriate content for her age.
It is madness and it is ridiculous