Too young for a phone??

[janekay129]

Just looking for some advice for my 9 year old step-daughter, her mother has gone behind my partners back and given her a phone with access to the internet (unrestricted and we have found out she has social media now aswell) my partner feels she is far too young to have a phone and to be on any social media and has no need for one as she is still in primary school. None of her friends have one either. My daughter is the same age and my son is 7. I am quite strict when it comes to the internet/social media, they have tablets that have restrictions on and both know that they can't have social media until I deem it appropriate. My step daughter recently sent my partner a video of swearing and a few other things that a 9 year old should not be watching or repeating. We spoke to the mother who said it's none of our business what she does on her phone. The 9 year old is also talking to strangers and seems to be left to her own devices. The mother just doesn't seem to care and we wondered if there was anything we could do without upsetting anyone. when she's with us she knows to follow our rules but reminds us she can do what she likes at her mums and she doesn't have to listen, she gets told that when she's here she's treated the same as everyone and respects our rules but this falls on deaf ears most of the time and it's becoming difficult because my 9year old is starting to pick up on it. We are trying to be consistent with her but it proves difficult when it's constantly on sided.

UPDATE: we have tried to put restrictions on said phone but SD mother threatened to stop us having her. We have a court order so we know she can't. We have found she has been talking to men on some social but mother still refuses to put anything on it preventing this. She is very wrapped up in us trying to go against her but that's not the case, I think we would have been more accepting if restrictions had been put on it and common sense applied but this is not the case. Other half has tried to reason with her saying SD just doesn't understand the dangers, if someone asks her to send a picture and things like that SD said she would, we have said phone will be off when at ours from now on. She is JUST a child and a very naive one at that. Im not trying to step on anyone's toes in regards to how others parent, I was simply asking for advice. We have taken legal advice and are taking it from there. All we want is to protect all our kids.

If she has only just had the phone and is already talking to random men then I would be concerned that something else is going on. Have other friends linked her in to something? Maybe have a chat to the Safeguarding lead at her school?

I am confused as to why safeguarding your SD is causing such an issue with her mother? I am making the assumption that her Father has spoken directly to her mother about putting the restrictions on? It’s not as if he has taken the phone away, why would she threaten to stop her coming just because of you using phone restrictions?

@GrannyBags we have been told that her friends don't have phones, so we know it's not others influencing her, she has had the phone for a while but we didn't know at the beginning until SD let slip. @Tiptoearound we have no idea either, I thought everyone would be on the same page when it comes to something like this, father has tried to reason with her a few times and it falls of deaf ears, the fact that she doesn't see her 9 year old talking to men a problem and putting safeguarding/restrictions on as problem is just worrying us. Me and the father have been together for quite along time now (nearly 6/7 years) and everything has been fine up until this point. We weren't nasty about the phone issue or trying to cause problems, we were just concerned to begin with and it seems we were right to be.

I would just put restrictions on anyway, like I said previously that’s exactly what my husband did. Eventually this situation will blow over

What man is she talking to? How did she get in touch with them? Is he a stranger?

You are not paying for the contract so have no right to take the phone and keep it. What you do have control over though is educating your dad over the risks and dangers and what to look for. What restrictions were you thinking of putting in place?

Her father has a right if his daughter is at risk of harm and the mother refuses to acknowledge it; it is his duty to protect her and if that meant confiscating the phone then that is what he should do!

Newname. Still making personal attacks? Why not say ‘oh, maybe there are circumstances in which it would be OK for a 10 year old to have a phone. Hadn’t thought of that’ rather than persist with the ‘madness’ of it all and attempt to labour your point with insinuations about my parenting? Because what I challenged was that it is not necessarily ‘madness’ for 10 years olds to have phones, not that the OP’s situation should remain unchallenged.

At this point we don't know who these men are and how they have got in contact.

I expect mum knows these 'men' and it could be innocent. Surely if we are talking about total strangers with dodgy discussion, and mum has non-issue with it, than its SS who should be involved.

@Sotiredofthislife because you made it about you. Your son is 10 and has a specific medical condition and is at least a school year older. You’re splitting hairs.
I said it is madness (and unnecessary) for 99.9% of kids of the OP’s SD’s age to have a phone.
If your child falls into the 0.01% then good for you, you’re happy with your choices in your situation.
But I stand by my view that it is madness in almost all circumstances. Kids of 9 are not emotionally mature enough to have that amount of responsibility or unrestricted access to a phone.

@Sotiredofthislife and I did, I said it 99.9% of circumstances.

Anyway you’re derailing the thread 🙄

OP your DH needs to have a discussion with her mum, if she isn’t amenable then I would contact the school safeguarding officer and see if they can speak to the mother about concerns and internet / phone usage and safety.

We attended a meeting about internet safety at my DD’s school (also 9) recently and even though I’m pretty savvy I was shocked by some of the ways and apps in which kids can interact with strangers. It was very informative