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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I'm 31 and have a 17 year old step daughter

120 replies

SJWRSW · 29/12/2019 21:12

I'm probably going to get some backlash for this but I need some advice before I lose my sanity. My stepdaughter moved in with my husband and I when she was 14 only 6 weeks before I gave birth to our first child together. I had previously miscarried and the second pregnancy was rough. Step daughter was troubled, self harming. I had only met her a handful of times before she moved in. Her biological mom is a (offensive term edited out by MNHQ) So I totally get that.
Since step daughter moved in we have had a number of issues, and on the whole I feel I've delt with it OK up until tonight when I had a mental breakdown. She will be 18 in a few months and I just turned 31 myself yesterday. She's a very disrespectful teenager, very miserable, difficult to be around. Does nothing to help round the house, barley notices her little sister. She lies all the time, taken drugs, had unprotected sex umpteen times. Goes out dressed as a tart with her fake ID. Her dad just gives her what she wants. For a massive chunk of her life he wasn't allowed to see her so I get that he doesn't want to be the bad dad.
As a first time mom to my perfect nearly 3 year old I have struggled with the step daughter being under our roof too. It all happened so quickly going from 2 of us to 4 of us in 6 weeks.
My mom and my mother in law continue to say "well that's teenagers for you" everytime I mention that I'm struggling with my step daughter. I don't feel that's very constructive and only Makes me feel worse.
My husband and I argue all the time over her and its becoming to be wearing on me. We never used to be like that.
My step daughter is seeing a therapist each week but it doesn't appear to be doing much and I feel its just made her more secretive. She sleeps around and has admitted she has this need to be wanted.
I love my husband and he is a amazing dad to our nearly 3 year old but I am at breaking point and I do not know how much longer I can continue to put a brave face on every day. I sounds like a right cow saying this about my step daughter as I know she hasn't had a easy ride in life. We have done nothing but given her the world. Showered her with love and tried so hard to be a proper family but she's so disconnected. It's become unbearable for me. Any advice??

OP posts:
TheresWaldo · 29/12/2019 21:17

So you think she dresses like a "tart", obviously don't like her, and you wonder why she plays up and wonder why she wants to be wanted and loved by someone? You need to give your head a wobble and the pair of you do some proper parenting.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2019 21:19

Is she taking drugs in your home? Your husband isn’t being a great dad to your SD if he’s choosing to look the other way over her dangerous self harming behaviour because he missed her when she was younger.

patchworkpatty · 29/12/2019 21:24

Here's an idea HeresWaldo perhaps she is accused of dressing like a 'tart' because maybe she's dressing like a tart ? If my daughter dressed inappropriately I would tell her so to, but guess what ? OP is a SM so MUST be wrong ??

TheresWaldo · 29/12/2019 21:27

What exactly is "dressing like a tart"?

BillieEilish · 29/12/2019 21:29

I don't follow, what has your age got to do with it?

Living with a 3 year old must be horrendous from her point of view.

London91 · 29/12/2019 21:29

It sounds like your SD's behaviour is difficult but it also sounds like you don't particularly like her. It's wrong to say she dresses like a tart. If she's had a difficult start in life then you can probably only imagine what she has been through. Your DP probably feels bad for not being able to see her and is overcompensating. Yeah your life was probably easier before she came on the scene but I'm sure when you met your DP you knew he had a child from a previous relationship and when you enter a relationship you take on some of that responsibility and appreciate that sometimes you aren't going to come first. It's great that she's seeing a therapist. Ultimately if your SD is making some poor decisions all you and DP can do is either try to guide her through them and be there when things go wrong.

BillieEilish · 29/12/2019 21:30

'Dressing like a tart' makes me have zero sympathy for you. Zero.

It is your DH's first born.

TheresWaldo · 29/12/2019 21:34

Do you talk to her about the "unprotected sex"? How do you know all this? Have you or her father tried to address this? Suggested a trip to whatever facility you have in US for contraception?

misskick · 29/12/2019 21:34

Dresses like a tart. The way you talk about her is awful. Maybe change your attitude and her behaviour will improve, she is just a child and surely realises you dislike her.

Isadora2007 · 29/12/2019 21:34

One of the issues is that your husband wasn’t a good dad to his 12-13 year old troubled kid- getting you pregnant instead of concentrating on the child he already had with a “fruitcake” of a mum. So he isn’t a good dad really, is he?
Imagine your “perfect 3 year old” in ten years time hating herself so much that she self harms. Imagine how that feels to be that girl. I don’t know why you’re banging on about your age as though you’re just some young girl yourself- you’re a grown ass adult. Act like one- get talking to your SD and connect with her. Tell her you love her and ask her what you can do to make her life better and LISTEN to the answer.
And give your husband a kick up the arse and tell him to parent his daughter before it’s too late.

Shopkinsdoll · 29/12/2019 21:35

I don’t understand what the age thing your posting about? She’s 17 your 31? I’m lost.

Original poster
SJWRSW · 29/12/2019 21:35

Sorry I will elaberate she been going to nightclubs and chooses to wear clothes that don't cover up much. And not it's not that I don't like her she's a stunning young girl and it worries me that she will get into trouble by attracting the wrong attention. Like I said I'm 31 myself I don't know how to deal with this, I'm being honest and reaching out for some help, not to be hammered down anymore.
She was self harming when she moved in. She isn't anymore. She was doing it when she lived with her biological mom. Regards to drugs she told Me she has done coke earlier on in the year and something called mdma. In the summer she had her friends stop over and they did these gas canister things in the garden. I had never heard of them. They all told me it was legal and all the parents let them do it. My husband is 18 years older than me. And for the last 3 years I have given my all. I'm being honest I just don't know how to cope with my step daughter

OP posts:
TheresWaldo · 29/12/2019 21:41

If you are 31 surely you can remember what it's like to be a teenager? How hard it is? How you need to find your place in the world. Jeez, I am 51 and have a clearer memory of that than what I had for breakfast yesterday.

BillieEilish · 29/12/2019 21:42

Ok then...
I have NO idea what MDMA is either (48 with an 11 year old) I am stupid.

I have NO idea what it is like to be 17. I am stupid.

I have EVERY idea of what jealousy looks like. I am stupid.

Good luck to you, but better luck to your DH's poor DD.

TheresWaldo · 29/12/2019 21:42

How is she doing at school? Plans for the future? Or is it just her sex life we should be frothing over?

OhCumInMyFaceful · 29/12/2019 21:43

Your stepdaughter's behaviour and what she's admitted about it makes me think she has some attachment issues.

My natural daughter has had a rough ride because of abuse from her father and the difficulties we suffered directly because of that. And she falls into this personality type which needs to be validated and wanted by others to the point it's inappropriate.

I've got some books on it, but a good place to go would be on facebook, search for a group about attachment parenting. They have lots of resources.

Dollymixture22 · 29/12/2019 21:44

What would your ideal outcome be?

Is she still in school? Will she be going to I university next year?

Gingerkittykat · 29/12/2019 21:44

Goes out dressed as a tart with her fake ID

As a first time mom to my perfect nearly 3 year

She sleeps around and has admitted she has this need to be wanted.

Her stepmum idolises her small sister, thinks she is a tart and then wonders why she has feelings of being unwanted? No doubt her upbringing with her mum has contributed but her current living situation is not helping/

Are you American?

Original poster
SJWRSW · 29/12/2019 21:47

Do you know what it doesn't matter. I've never posted anything like this before in my life. I signed up on here tonight because I have reached rock bottom. I have 2 girls at opposite ends of the spectrum. All round I have tried my hardest in our family so that everyone is happy. My step daughter has had the best we have wrapped our loving arms around her and on a daily basis I get spoken to like dirt for no reason. Christmas day was the cherry on top of the cake.
Right now I really don't need anyone to be shitty with me as I'm in a really dark place. I made a step by coming on here and reaching out. I went from being a new first time mum and a step mum in the matter of weeks and I can't cope I'm sorry for admitting that

OP posts:
BaubleTheLumpOfCoal · 29/12/2019 21:47

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NewNameSameOldGame · 29/12/2019 21:49

The age is relevant because the OP isn’t old enough to have a child of SD’s age biologically and her SD will not see her as a parental figure due to that, which makes “parenting” her that bit harder.

The truth is, you can’t really parent her. She’s on the cusp of being an adult herself.
You can, however, try and offer her guidance and friendship.

Her “tart” clothes, the sleeping around to feel wanted, drug use etc all seem like a massive scream for help. Happy, secure and loved people don’t usually go off the rails like that.

She needs some compassion and I know it’s hard but try to be extra kind to her. Kill her with kindness until she realises you and her dad will be there for her no matter what she does. Once she realises that she’ll likely calm down.

It almost seems like a toddler testing boundaries because she’s actively telling you about these things. She may be trying to see what reaction she gets.

Troubled teens often try to do bad things to try and encourage the people they care about to reject them, or reject them themselves in order to prove they were right about their own insecurities.

She sounds like she has low self esteem and needs building up and made to feel worthy of love and caring.

crochetandshit · 29/12/2019 21:55

Your responses are entirely based on the misogynistic language you use about a mentally unwell teenager.
Your suggestion that her clothes will get her into trouble are really fucking awful.

If you don't want your perfect child around her, and your husband won't kick an unwell teenager in therapy out (thank god) then you and your child will need to leave.

It isn't shameful that you don't know how to cope with her behaviour, far from it, but your language about her is very worrying.

BillieEilish · 29/12/2019 21:56

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Cherrysherbet · 29/12/2019 22:00

Why is everyone being so nasty?? The op needs help and advice, not bitchy comments.

Op, I can see how this is a very difficult situation. Going from no children to two so quickly is a lot to adapt to. You feel out of your depth. Teens are tricky at the best of times. All I can suggest is to keep the lines of communication open between you all. Work together with your dh , and try to give her some boundaries. Don’t give up on her. You can make a real difference to her life, but it will take time and patience. Take care of your self💐

TheresWaldo · 29/12/2019 22:00

You haven't responded about her education? Or whether you have actually discussed contraception with her?