I'm 31 and have a 17 year old step daughter

[SJWRSW]

I'm probably going to get some backlash for this but I need some advice before I lose my sanity. My stepdaughter moved in with my husband and I when she was 14 only 6 weeks before I gave birth to our first child together. I had previously miscarried and the second pregnancy was rough. Step daughter was troubled, self harming. I had only met her a handful of times before she moved in. Her biological mom is a (offensive term edited out by MNHQ) So I totally get that.
Since step daughter moved in we have had a number of issues, and on the whole I feel I've delt with it OK up until tonight when I had a mental breakdown. She will be 18 in a few months and I just turned 31 myself yesterday. She's a very disrespectful teenager, very miserable, difficult to be around. Does nothing to help round the house, barley notices her little sister. She lies all the time, taken drugs, had unprotected sex umpteen times. Goes out dressed as a tart with her fake ID. Her dad just gives her what she wants. For a massive chunk of her life he wasn't allowed to see her so I get that he doesn't want to be the bad dad.
As a first time mom to my perfect nearly 3 year old I have struggled with the step daughter being under our roof too. It all happened so quickly going from 2 of us to 4 of us in 6 weeks.
My mom and my mother in law continue to say "well that's teenagers for you" everytime I mention that I'm struggling with my step daughter. I don't feel that's very constructive and only Makes me feel worse.
My husband and I argue all the time over her and its becoming to be wearing on me. We never used to be like that.
My step daughter is seeing a therapist each week but it doesn't appear to be doing much and I feel its just made her more secretive. She sleeps around and has admitted she has this need to be wanted.
I love my husband and he is a amazing dad to our nearly 3 year old but I am at breaking point and I do not know how much longer I can continue to put a brave face on every day. I sounds like a right cow saying this about my step daughter as I know she hasn't had a easy ride in life. We have done nothing but given her the world. Showered her with love and tried so hard to be a proper family but she's so disconnected. It's become unbearable for me. Any advice??

Why is everyone being so nasty?? The op needs help and advice, not bitchy comments.

I agree 100%

So much nastiness to someone who is reaching out for help....and you say the OP is horrible. Well done for driving a stepmum in need of support away.

It’s no wonder the girl is having issues. Her father messed up massively when she was at an extremely critical age. I would recommend that the two of them attend therapy. He needs to give her a safe space to express how the situation he put her in made her feel. Then, they can work on building a stronger relationship going forward, which will likely help with her acting-out the way she is now.

My god but with the exception of the few sane voices on here you are all a bunch of nasty, vile, bullying posters!@BillieEilish I think the real Billle Eilish would be appalled to see a troll such as yourself use her name!

The op came on looking for advice & at the end of her tether & has received nothing but abuse for both herself and her dp. You don't know the circumstances of his previous relationship so stop making assumptions as to his past parenting.
OP I do understand your frustrations but take the advice of the few sane people on here. Try to understand where dsd is coming from esp. if she's had a rocky start in life. Try not to judge her by her clothing choices -a lot of that is modern fashion (think Kardashians, Cardi B etc.).

However I personally think the drug taking is a major concern - coke has serious addictive properties & mdma is pretty nasty & can be fatal if a bad batch. I'm not sure how you tackle this if these are the circles she's moving in but your dp REALLY needs to take this seriously & not brush it under the carpet. She sounds desperately unhappy & very much in need of the right type of attention. You can be a massive support to her without mothering her as in truth it's your dp who needs to do this.
If you want more advice get off the step-parenting form & try the teen form - there may be some kinder people on there. The step-parenting form isn't known for outpourings of empathy & support!

So many unnecessary nasty comments. Utterly bizarre.

OP did you try and get her involved with DD from the start? Do you do family things? Do you treat her as an adult or are you trying to parent her?

I know you've had her in your home for 3 years now and it's clearly not easy as she seems to have come a long way already, but she's at an age where maybe what she really needs from you is for you to be a friend she can turn to.

You mentioned that she's horrible to you. Do you call her out on that or do you let her do it so as not to upset her dad?

Family counselling?

Attachment issues are really tough.
I appreciate you have given her tons, but I can imagine she has probably never been able to trust a grown up.
When you see life through a lens of self hatred and mistrust it is really hard to notice when people ARE nice to you. People like your step daughter need to build self esteem from the bottom up- they are often a bit broken at their very core, and it is like there is a very small child driving the behaviour.

Maybe experiment. Try and find something positive that inspires her ( instead of pointing out her bad behaviour, try and find positives in others).
Each day try and say at least three positive things to her. Just try it for awhile- 2 months?

And please get yourself some support too.

( and yes, your DH isnt just being benignly soft- he's also childishly relegating parental responsibility).

That is shit OP. Thing is the only person who might be able to get through to her is you. She probably won't open up to her dad about the drugs and risky sexual encounters. She must be in a very dark place to be doing these things. It is hard not to take things personally, but as someone who was a troubled teen much like your SD it is not about you it is about how she feels about herself. The only reason I am still here today is because my mother didn't give up on me and continually reminded me there was another way. She doesn't have this if her mother is as you describe. I know it is hard but she is in pain and lashing out, she does not have the insight that you have into her behaviour yet. You are right, you are not responsible that is the role of her parents, but maybe you could just be a friend. She is not beyond help.

What happened tonight that pushed you over the edge? At the end of the day your DH needs to step up and parent his child vs you arguing with him over it. What are his thoughts? The 'dressing like a tart' comment is pretty shit, as is the 'getting herself into bother' IMHO. A woman should be able to dress in a figure hugging/bum skimming/high heel ensemble without worrying that's a man is going to assume 'she's up for it', and not just following fashion (short skirts have been in since the 60s). It doesn't sound like she's a raging drug addict, more likely she's dabbled and will leave it at that post clubbing days (very common). How did you spend your teens OP? Because it all sounds rather normal tbh. My Dd loves her younger half brother, but as a teen she didn't want to act as a surrogate mum tbf (because she wasn't! And why would she?).

How have you got two girls at both ends of the spectrum? One is 2? The worst your going to get is the terrible 2s. The other is 17, I was a shit at 17 but I turned out ok. Hormones, stress, peer pressure.

She has admitted that she has a need to be wanted.

That is the most telling statement in all the diatribe.

You are 14years older than her - not enough to parent her more like a big older sister or aunty. She lives with two people who do not want her there and a mother who does not either.
She barely knew her father until 3 years ago when she has to live with him and his very young wife.

She is crying out for help, behaving like a lot of teenagers and sees her father look after her sister like he never did for her.

Poor girl - and yes emotionally she is nowhere near an adult because the adults in her life screwed up big style. Your DP needs to get her some counselling and you need to stop making her out to be evil child step child and your other 3 yr old daughter to be an angel.

A 35 year old could easily have a 17 year old daughter - 31 isn’t ridiculously young to be her step mum.

Also I think you are way too focused on your child being perfect.

Get the poor girl into counselling, family counselling might also be appropriate given all the issues here.

You and your husband need to learn to parent.

Can’t believe some of the replies.
OP it’s so hard, I’ve an 18 year old SD living with us and she just can’t help herself being hostile and difficult due to the role I occupy.
It’s frustrating and upsetting but you can’t take it personally.
Agree some ground rules together (around manners, respect, safety and most importantly zero drugs) and ensure your DH is the one to enforce them. Outside of the ground rules, don’t sweat the small stuff. Let her do her thing, you do yours.

You've been given an unfair hard time. You didn't say she was a tart, you said she dressed like one, and indeed, many young people (and older) do dress in a very sexualized way which sadly attracts them to the wrong people, which is concerning when they are so desperately vulnerable for attention and affection.

What I don't get from your post is what is causing you to be at breakdown stage specifically. What does she do that affect you directly? Is it that you have become too emotionally involved so that what is happening to her is affecting you in the same way than if she was your own daughter, or it is that you she is rude to you and treating you badly?

Ultimately, she does sound like a teenager who has gone through a difficult upbringing and this will inevitably impact on her behaviour. Sadly, it might have had lasting effects. One sure thing is that she is unlikely to become a pleasant, helpful, engage teenager all of a sudden, so all you can do is control how it is impacting on you. Could you remove yourself from the intensity and stress of it, at least enough to not feel like it is taking your life over? Can you tell yourself that ultimately, you are not emotionally responsible for her wellbeing, and take a bit of the weight off your shoulders?

OP I don’t have a lot of advice to offer. But you’ve had such a bashing here I wanted to balance things out a little.
It’s really tough to be a teenager at the moment. Many of my friends and work colleagues have children who have self-harmed, have depression, anorexia etc. It feels to me like an epidemic. And the ones i know of are children who come from stable homes. You maybe don’t see this yet as you are young for knowing parents of 17 year olds. Look on the teenager forum here.
Your DSD being willing to undergo therapy is good news even if you are not seeing results yet. On a practical note - It’s also worth having her hormones checked if not already done. I’m not a doc but I know of one friend’s daughter who greatly benefited from contraception to stabilise her emotions/mood.
To pick up on one word you used - Of course you think your little one is perfect. And I’m sure they are! But perfection is a dangerous concept as children get older. My DSD (at age 6) gets distressed over not doing things perfectly or being perfect. (I’m pretty certain that stems from her thinking if she was more perfect her parents would still be together) Maybe take care to reframe the concept of perfection in your mind.
As others have said you can be a wonderful support for your DSD but your DP needs to step up. If he doesn’t have a clue give him specific ideas and help him to pick his battles. Or point him at professional help to navigate this phase of parenting.

WTF is wrong with some of you people? Poor OP. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Can you try to look at her possible future. Discuss jobs/ unis/ best towns, unis with best night life - what does she want to do. Sport?
Try to find something to praise, encourage. My DDs rooms are a mess and they're in their late 20s (not at home).

It's not sexist to call a woman a tart in my opinion but dressing that way is symptomatic of a whole host of other problems

Well, that would be the majority of young women today then, wouldn’t it? Thousands of young women with loads of problems? Or fashion?

Women in jeans and a T-shirt are just as at risk of being raped as a woman in a short skirt if they come across a man who is a rapist. Or are you saying the women in jeans don’t deserve it but the ones in short skirts do?

What is your partner doing to tackle the issues? Because he should be doing the bulk of the work here. Does he spend time with her 1-1?

Personally I disagree with you saying she dresses like a tart and could attract the wrong attention - but it’s not really what the threads about and recognise you need help here not telling off

Just a heads up...
MDMA is ecstasy.
And the gas canisters (NOS-nitrous oxide) are legal to buy and involve filling up balloons with the gas. It's is dangerous and there have been reports in media of gas canisters exploding into people's chests and killing them immediately.

It sounds like your SD is really struggling to fit in somewhere. Have you tried spending one on one time with her? Does her father? Sounds a bit simple, but scheduling a part of your week which belongs to her could really go far in building your relationship. Just an evening a week when you go out for dinner, watch a film together, go for a walk. Spend time listening and getting to know her without judging or giving your opinions. Help build a safe space for her to begin to reach out. Make sure her father is doing the same if he is not already.
Ask her if her therapy is working or helping, don't just assume it's not...these things take time. Plan and arrange family time including all of you, and make her feel like she's a valuable member of your family.

Op I've read most of the comets and think you shouldn't take it to heart. Being a step mum can be so rewarding if you invest in the sc. What I mean is.
Value her
Treat both DD the same.ie same amount of attention and love.
Do the things she likes like dinners hair whatever she is into get involved. Try and understand her as a person and not a naughty teenager. The best advice I can give to you really is be nice about her biological mother no matter what. Be friendly about her always. As if you say nasty things about her mother inevitably you are saying that about her also. Be patient be kind be loving and always have a calm voice. I am a step mum also I've had issues when he was a teenager you can't stop a teenager being a teenager although you can stop yourself being effected by the energy that is put out. I get on very well with my dss and life wouldn't be the same without him he is a credit to anyone he mets. You can do it op it's hard although very rewarding if you can balance your emotions. I wish you all the best for 2020.

Honestly, she just sounds like an average 18 year old. As long as she isn't actually breaking the law, she's doing ok. And therapy won't fix problems straight away
Have you thought about family therapy?

My husband and I have been together 11 years, regards to the biological mom she mentally abused my step daughter which is a really long story and dam right bloody awful. The night my step daughter rang me and said her mom has told her not to go home I went out late at night, heavily pregnant and picked her up and she never went back. There was complications with my pregnancy before and after and I suffered Prenatal depression. My 2 year old nearly died at 3 weeks old so yes maybe I'm a little over protective not to mention I won't be having anymore children.
I have never called my step daughter a tart and I'm guessing I totally worded that wrong anyway. Whoever said she should be able to wear whatever she wants is absolutely right but in this day and age it is a worry for any parent.
To clarify again I don't hate my step daughter! I care about her.. A lot. She's not had anything to do with her mum since she left and that's her choice. In everything she has done we have supported her.
I didn't come on here to get abuse thrown at me. I came on here because I want my family to work and I wanted some advice maybe some advice from other step parents. My step daughter is involved in everything we do. Family meals, outtings, holidays etc. She is herself aware that there's a problem and it frustrates her. She will swear, cuss, be rude and say shes like her mom and don't want to be. Her mother has a lot to answer for. She has been to the doctors for tests and is low folate Nothing else has come up. We pay privately for her to see a therapist as the waiting list was so long on the NHS.
She doesn't respect her body and she's admitted that to me. She said if she gives boys what they want then she's being needed and wanted. For a short period of time anyway. I've had to take her to get the morning after pill like 4 times and take her to be checked at the GUM. She's not wanted her dad to know so I've had to take the baby with me and keep hush. I've never lied to my husband. I figured if I told him she would lose trust in me right? Like I said I've never posted anything like this. I'm in a really dark hole. And I reached breaking point I suppose I am just sick to death of her mood swings, walking on egg shells with her. The attitude and swearing. The way she behaves towards our 2 year old at times really upsets me.
And my husband well let's face it he wasn't allowed to see his daughter for many years. His ex made it very difficult. The wider family aswell as my husband never gave up trying so I guess he just litrally doesn't know how to deal with a teenage girl like I don't.

I asked this before, but how is she doing in school, is she headed to university next year? She seems to need focus and goals.

This will pass, she will grow out of it. She has had a pretty shit start in life and clearly needs a lot of support and help.

She will look back and realise you were there for her, but at the moment she is just lashing out because she is hurt. Neither parent was there for her when she was younger.

Why did your DH not see her for a long time? If the mother is a 'fruitcake' why didn't he try to get residence years ago?

If a child has an emotional problem, the whole family has an emotional problem. This is the basis of family dynamics. Start with looking at theraputic parenting, see if you can find anything useful, I hear there are some good videos and podcasts around the web advising on dealing with difficult teens.

Try to get some family therapy going, make it clear to your stepdaughter that family therapy is so that you and her father can have help to hear and understand her, rather than to deal with her issues.

Make friends with her, can you do martial arts with her once a week? its always good to learn self defence and it may help your stepdaughter in the future, if she doesn't learn good self care.

Im decades down the line with this, (although i didn't bring up my stepdaughers, their parents died two decades ago) What I can tell you is that if this isn't dealt with correctly it will echo down the generations. Im watching exactly that happen right now, have had to disengage from the next generation for the good of my own mental health.

Modelling the behaviour you expect her to display is always positive, learn as much as you can about personal boundaries, model those too, while encouraging dsd to practice her own boundaries, help her learn to be comfortable with having her own boundaries. Practice it together, pointless ones are great fun, make it game between you two.

She sleeps around and has admitted she has this need to be wanted

This behaviour in girls and women can often be as a result of paternal abandonment.

Leaving a young child with her mentally ill mother while running around with someone half his age likely contributed.

I love my husband and he is a amazing dad to our nearly 3 year old

Let’s hope he sticks around for your child, lest they go through the same thing as their older sister.