I'm 31 and have a 17 year old step daughter

[SJWRSW]

I'm probably going to get some backlash for this but I need some advice before I lose my sanity. My stepdaughter moved in with my husband and I when she was 14 only 6 weeks before I gave birth to our first child together. I had previously miscarried and the second pregnancy was rough. Step daughter was troubled, self harming. I had only met her a handful of times before she moved in. Her biological mom is a (offensive term edited out by MNHQ) So I totally get that.
Since step daughter moved in we have had a number of issues, and on the whole I feel I've delt with it OK up until tonight when I had a mental breakdown. She will be 18 in a few months and I just turned 31 myself yesterday. She's a very disrespectful teenager, very miserable, difficult to be around. Does nothing to help round the house, barley notices her little sister. She lies all the time, taken drugs, had unprotected sex umpteen times. Goes out dressed as a tart with her fake ID. Her dad just gives her what she wants. For a massive chunk of her life he wasn't allowed to see her so I get that he doesn't want to be the bad dad.
As a first time mom to my perfect nearly 3 year old I have struggled with the step daughter being under our roof too. It all happened so quickly going from 2 of us to 4 of us in 6 weeks.
My mom and my mother in law continue to say "well that's teenagers for you" everytime I mention that I'm struggling with my step daughter. I don't feel that's very constructive and only Makes me feel worse.
My husband and I argue all the time over her and its becoming to be wearing on me. We never used to be like that.
My step daughter is seeing a therapist each week but it doesn't appear to be doing much and I feel its just made her more secretive. She sleeps around and has admitted she has this need to be wanted.
I love my husband and he is a amazing dad to our nearly 3 year old but I am at breaking point and I do not know how much longer I can continue to put a brave face on every day. I sounds like a right cow saying this about my step daughter as I know she hasn't had a easy ride in life. We have done nothing but given her the world. Showered her with love and tried so hard to be a proper family but she's so disconnected. It's become unbearable for me. Any advice??

You need to change the way you are thinking about her or it will put a massive strain on your marriage. I wonder what you thought would happen when you married a man with a teenage child. I say this as someone who did similar, only my stepson was 2. I thought because I like kids it would be fine. He’s 25 now and it’s been a long slog. I have a great relationship with him now and I think that’s happened because I made a conscious decision to always be kind to him when he came to love with us more recently. You need to win her trust and respect. Be kind, include her in things that are going on. Chat nonsense with her whenever she’s willing. You are the adult and it’s your responsibility to make the effort. Your hubby will appreciate it too. It sounds like she’s desperate to feel valued. Keep gently chipping away and things should very slowly improve. 💐

How much time does she get with her dad?
It may be difficult for her to see her dad putting more effort into your new child when she didn't get that growing up.

I think if she is feeling neglected by your partner, then he needs to address that.
Do they go out just the two of them ever?

Gingerkittycat and BillieEilish , just curious to know what you think OP's assumed nationality has to do with anything? Billie I think your shitty, sarcastic "you're not welcome here" response makes you sound like the "extremely unpleasant person" tbh.

OP I think other posters are right on the whole that you need to try to see things from your stepdaughter's perspective and adjust your attitude which at present seems to be that she and her problems are in the way of your otherwise 'perfect' family. That's incredibly unfair. You two being part of the same family is a choice that you and her father made. It's up to you to do your damndest to make her feel loved and wanted and not judged and in the way.

Let her dad parent her.
She already has a mum and dad.
Take a step back and enjoy your own dd.
You cant help her if you are crumbling yourself. Tell your DH you are struggling and you need him to step up because you love her and don't want to see her coming to any harm. She is near 18 so she needs to take some responsibility.
Hang in their op
We have another thread on teenagers section. Teenagers affecting your mental health might be worth a read.
Take time out and enjoy your 3 yo

Oh please. Some of the responses are ridiculous. I have daughters and several friends with daughters this age who also wear revealing outfits and yes, we worry about them and fear they'll attract the wrong attention. It's not misogynistic FFS, it's parents thinking about their kids.
I'm sure it's difficult for you and I sympathize. You don't deserve some of the comments you've received on here but remember this is Mumsnet and a very narrow pool of opinion.
I do feel sorry for your SD as sounds like she's had a shit start. Is there any chance of a relationship with her mother?
I wouldn't try and be her mum but instead guide her and help her as an older sister. Sounds like she's open with you so try and relate to her.
I moved out when I was 18. Is it likely she'll be in a position to leave home soon?

No, nobody is welcome here IMO who speaks about teenaged girls like that.

Disgusting misogynist sexist stupid shit.

She knew what she was getting into. Absolutely.

Yes, good advice let's hope she moves out soon FFS

She isn't the problem. You and her Dad moved way too fast, moving in together and having a baby at the same time. Did you ever think of how she must have felt? He also sounds absolutely useless at parenting, so instead of calling her names, maybe you should take a good look at yourselves.

Funny though, your earlier response made it seem like saying 'mom' and 'reaching out' was the big problem and why she should go find an American forum, 'honey'.

It's possible to call out sexism and misogyny without behaving like a schoolyard bully over characteristics (like nationality) which are fuck all to do with what the problem is.

"Dressing like a tart" isn't misogynistic?
Ok then.
Nobody's clothes get them into the kind of trouble being implied here.
Rapists get people into the kind of trouble being implied here.

Who defended the OP's use of 'dressing like a tart'? Did anyone?

People do it to posters about 'Nethuns' all the fucking time.

She is the schoolyard bully and make no mistake. Hun. (Nancy Mitford is my reference BTW)

Anyway, I give the marriage 2 years tops.

Rave PutBabyInTheCorner responded that op hadn't used misogynistic language at 22.20.

Are you real 😂 is there any responsible adult in that household?!

I wish all the best for the 17yo 'tart' poor child

Big mistake step mum to steroids mum. You do not under any circumstances say anything nasty about the biological mother. If age matters I'm 37 dss is 24 he is amazing no help from his biological mother. You are not being kind.

I mean step mum to step mum.

Poor effort. Cringing for you.

Not RTFT but something jumped out at me which is the unprotected sex. Unprotected sex can be a form of self harm and I’ve seen it used as such. I would see that as another facet of her self harming rather than some kind of wantoness on her part. I can understand that living with her must be tough, but part of that must be down to the fact that her start in life was poor and your DH was part of that. You need to talk to him about moving forward.

Sounds like she's desperately unhappy and needs support. I'd suggest the first thing you do is change the language you're using. Stop describing her mother as a 'fruitcake' it's unkind, and what ever has happened, she's still her mother. Stop saying she 'dresses like a tart,' it's derogatory. Stop making comparisons between her and your 'perfect' daughter. The age gap is so big, you can't say they are on the opposite ends of a spectrum. They're not on the same spectrum.

Do keep up with her counselling sessions. She needs to be given the tools to manage her mental health. The counselling will help with this.

Talk to her about safe sex. Get her some sodding contraception sorted out. You can't stop her from having sex, that is clear. You can talk to her about doing it safely, and healthy relationships.

The drug use needs to stop. Again this seems like a form of self destruction. Perhaps she could bring it up.with her counsellor?

Bless ya, hope you're Ok. Try netmums chat for some advice as not many helpful comments here!?

I haven't got any stepchildren but
all I can say is although there would absolutely have to be boundaries.. Try being her friend? Take her out regularly for a girly day, cinema or wherever! Start getting some mutual ground and build on it from there.

You can gradually talk about what you don't find acceptable and what you don't want your little girl seeing at home etc. Explain you're worried about her when she's dressed like such. Also tell your husband how worried you are! Even if you have to do it on a long message or something or family could watch your little one whilst you go out for a bite to eat where you can chat about it all.

Basically it sounds like you are worried about her, worried about your little girl and not sure what to do. It may seem you're the ol dragon but you're probably far from it and was just looking for some like minded, helpful advice!!
XxX

What you are experiencing op, is simply the crappy reality of the relationship with an older man who already has a child.
You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last.
First born child always suffers most though so spare a thought for her
You’re experiencing a bit of crap now after the initial love bomb where he buys stuff and impregnates you and plays the psycho ex/ mr protector card. You’re painted as the ‘perfect’ mother in contrast to ‘the fruitcake’.
But hey . Soon you’ll be the fruitcake 🤷‍♀️
It’s a story as old as the hills.

Also the bit where you say “He’s an amazing dad to our three year old”
Yep. Tell yourself this.
You can’t says he’s an amazing dad full stop because he isn’t . He isn’t an amazing dad to his own daughter and this will be your future. It isn’t because these types of men like ‘perfect’ children better than ‘troubled’ children. It’s because these men just give up when the going gets tough and don’t give a fuck to the consequences. They leave a trail of destruction.

I think you are getting a hell of a lot of unnecessary abuse on here.

Your age IS relevant because it's hard for someone who is barely out of their twenties to try and parent someone who is almost an adult themselves.

Try to be a friend to her and not a parent. She has parents already and obviously isn't asking for a second mother.

If you can work at building a friendly relationship then she may confide in you. She is craving attention. Trust me I was in the same place at her age.

Let your partner do the parenting!

I have huge sympathy for you OP not only for the hammering that you're getting on here but also for the situation you're in. But you are in it so let's work on the practicals.

I too have a stepdaughter should treats the house like a hotel, does NOTHING around the house and gets aggressive whenever there's a suggestion of helping out.

There is a line and it's a very fine one to tread. I spent around 3 years detaching from the emotion that used to really get to me whenever these situations arose. Don't want to tidy your room? Fine. I'll shut the door. Don't want to sit down for dinner with us? That's ok. Don't want to spend time with the family/dog/friends? Your loss. Want to scream and shout at everyone because you're having a bad day? That's ok too but I'll go out for a walk and your dad can listen to it in the house.

Because I'm technically not her parent. And her Dad is. So when she's kicking up a storm because she's been allowed to get away with this bullying behaviour at home he has to sort it out. (And yes I did post on Boxing Day yet again frustrated with my household)

I get the "tarty" comment just the same way I would get a man being called a f*ckboy" which is the modern day equivalent. It's not sexist to call a woman a tart in my opinion but dressing that way is symptomatic of a whole host of other problems.

Drugs at her age are more common than you'd think unfortunately, but her dad needs to have a serious word about how ana when they're used. That is of concern because it escalates very quickly if not managed.

What you do need to do very carefully though is manage and direct your anger towards your partner. Mine knows when I'm pissed off and it normally involves me leaving the building to cool off. If I don't he's oblivious. She unfortunately is too young to understand adult reactions to highly emotive situations and you'll become an enemy forever the minute you step in. And you'll have an army of mums on here attacking you if you dare to blink incorrectly in her direction.