I'm 31 and have a 17 year old step daughter

[SJWRSW]

I'm probably going to get some backlash for this but I need some advice before I lose my sanity. My stepdaughter moved in with my husband and I when she was 14 only 6 weeks before I gave birth to our first child together. I had previously miscarried and the second pregnancy was rough. Step daughter was troubled, self harming. I had only met her a handful of times before she moved in. Her biological mom is a (offensive term edited out by MNHQ) So I totally get that.
Since step daughter moved in we have had a number of issues, and on the whole I feel I've delt with it OK up until tonight when I had a mental breakdown. She will be 18 in a few months and I just turned 31 myself yesterday. She's a very disrespectful teenager, very miserable, difficult to be around. Does nothing to help round the house, barley notices her little sister. She lies all the time, taken drugs, had unprotected sex umpteen times. Goes out dressed as a tart with her fake ID. Her dad just gives her what she wants. For a massive chunk of her life he wasn't allowed to see her so I get that he doesn't want to be the bad dad.
As a first time mom to my perfect nearly 3 year old I have struggled with the step daughter being under our roof too. It all happened so quickly going from 2 of us to 4 of us in 6 weeks.
My mom and my mother in law continue to say "well that's teenagers for you" everytime I mention that I'm struggling with my step daughter. I don't feel that's very constructive and only Makes me feel worse.
My husband and I argue all the time over her and its becoming to be wearing on me. We never used to be like that.
My step daughter is seeing a therapist each week but it doesn't appear to be doing much and I feel its just made her more secretive. She sleeps around and has admitted she has this need to be wanted.
I love my husband and he is a amazing dad to our nearly 3 year old but I am at breaking point and I do not know how much longer I can continue to put a brave face on every day. I sounds like a right cow saying this about my step daughter as I know she hasn't had a easy ride in life. We have done nothing but given her the world. Showered her with love and tried so hard to be a proper family but she's so disconnected. It's become unbearable for me. Any advice??

She's at college studying engineering. She has 2 horses too.
It's difficult to go into his ex screwed him over and took all the money and the house. He lived in a rented flat afterwards which the courts said was unsuitable. He had to build his businesses back up after they split 16 years ago. She brain washed the children against their dad and aunts and uncles and grandparents.

They split up long before I met him thanks

"Women in jeans and a T-shirt are just as at risk of being raped as a woman in a short skirt if they come across a man who is a rapist. Or are you saying the women in jeans don’t deserve it but the ones in short skirts do?"

Who was talking about rape? I wasn't. I was talking about women who don't understand that being overtly sexual in the way they dress isn't comfortable for anyone that they shove it in the face of, its unnecessary and degrading to young women. I made no mention of rape, you did.

In addition to the other advice you have had I would strongly suggest looking at damage limitation in the short term, to reduce the risk of harm whilst she is behaving like this.

• do everything you can to persuade her onto some sort of long lasting contraceptive (coil, injection, implant etc)
• talk to her about the importance of condoms to stop disease, buy her some, offer to buy more whenever she asks for them - no judgement and no questions asked and do it.
• Offer to take her for regular sexual health checks - suggest a pattern (eg every 3 months) so she doesn't have to ask you for this
• try and find a reliable, factual, non judgemental website / book about drug use so she has real facts about the side effects of coke etc - knowledge is better than ignorance for all of this sort of stuff
• talk to her about the fact that if she is ever in trouble and doesn't want to call her dad she can always call you - 4am, drunk and drugged up in a club she's too young to be in? You will always always always come and get her.
• ban your 3 year old from her room, put a bolt on the outside for when she isn't in so that 3 year old can't get in by themselves (incase she is storing drugs)

Hi OP,

Try to hang in here and read the comments that help you in your current situation, and ignore the comments that are unhelpful.

There are people on MN Step-parenting site who will try to help, and others who will be quick to criticise (wrongly thinking that will help).

I can imagine how tough it is for you, SJWRSW. What you describe of your step daughter's behaviour is at the extreme end of normal for her age. You both worry but her father is the parent in this situation, he needs to lay down the law a bit. However it isn't an easy time.

From what you say, you and your husband are doing your best. I wonder why he was not allowed to see the children for so long - I 'get' that the place he rented wasn't quite the thing for them to stay but surely he could have still seen them either at their home or take them out.

Early on in your opening post you describe her mother as a 'fruitcake' and you having a 'mental breakdown' tonight. I don't know about her mother but nobody has a mental breakdown in one evening, there's a gradual build up. I wonder if the mother had reached the end of her tether with her daughter which is why she moved in with you, I hope she sees her mother though.

You may well end up with some mental health problems if you continue in this unhappy situation. You're very young to be coparenting a seventeen year old with a small one of your own.

Honestly I will never understand women who marry men with dependent children, it seems like one big headache to me but what's done is done.

I'm assuming the girl knows all about STIs and contraception even if she does tell you she takes risks - could be just saying that to wind you up. What she wears is not your business but you have a right to insist she brings no drugs home. MDMA is Ecstasy and it is illegal here in the UK however a lot of young people take it and most are OK, they need to keep up their fluid levels because dehydration causes problems - even death, rarely. I expect SD knows more about that than any of us.

Up to you what you do but make sure you have an escape route and the exits are clear.

Good luck.

Please op I know it's difficult. I beg you not to say anything nasty or anything that insults her mother. I know it's hard I know you may not want to I have read that abuse could be involved. Although through all and everything involved she still loves her mum even if she doesn't say. Be nice about her mother as that is the only way to resolve this situation. I really do know what I am talking about and ready for anyone who disagrees. Your dsd needs safety and clarity. Also lots of RESPECT.

@Thatagain just because you still love your shit mother doesn't mean everyone else does.

I agree that OP can't bad mouth her to DSD but she can bad mouth her here.

A lot to unpack here.

Your internal misogyny is showing.

Do not compare your “perfect” 3 year old to a traumatised, abused 17 year old. They are not even remotely the same thing.

I was that abused 17 year old living with my Dad, he met my (fucking incredible) Step Mum when my MH was at its absolute fucking worst. She was 35 with an 8 year old of her own.

I was doing the same things, although drugs wise I just smoked weed every now and then. I was in therapy. I was also put on medication.

Most of this behaviour is due to trauma and is a form of self harm.

Please educate yourself about MH in abused teenagers.

Wtf if some one says something negative about your mother they are saying negative thungs about you also that is just nature. It could also make uou feel not wanted. (How can you not love your mother) I do love my mother I do not agree with how she was to me.

People who have no love for their mother loose their sense of I what I mean is its a big contributing factor for MH issues and low self worth. Which is what I am getting from op. It's not that hard to be kind and loving towards someone who gave birth to you.

Exactly what @NewNameSameOldGame said. Very wise words. And please don't use that kind of language in front of your sd. I doubt very much your 3 year old is perfect and she'll be a teenager one day too. And your sd probably dresses like most other teenage girls. I'm also 31 and probably am seen to 'dress like a tart' to some people

It's not that hard to be kind and loving towards someone who gave birth to you.

Not all mothers deserve kindness and love. If someone says someone negative towards you're mother it is nothing at all like saying something negative towards you.
You have some dependency issues.

I really feel for you OP. Some of the posters on here are pretty nasty. I have a similar situation but in reverse, my 12 yr old daughter is difficult and her step dad has to cope with her challenging behaviour. In contrast the son we have had together is an angel. It's a cocktail of discord and our days are tricky. Lots of arguments, taking sides etc. Only thing I can recommend is don't try to parent her, that's her dads job and parenting from you will never be welcomed. Always try to kill with kindness, she hasn't got long before she starts to mature and she'll put these more turbulent days behind her so just grin and bear it.

It must be awful having to live with a tart when you have another, perfect child to lavish with all your love. SD should ask for alternative accommodation until she is able to live alone as an adult. I am quite angry reading the op, absolutely hateful.

Honestly Mumsnet really shocks me sometimes, how mean some people can be. Word choice may not have been very good but it's clear OP is struggling and needs support? Some responses have been poisonous!

I don't really have a good answer I'm afraid, I was born when my half sister was 18 and we had a lovely relationship, perhaps getting her involved with your daughters care might help build some bridges? Appreciate perhaps babysitting may not be on the cards for a while if you're concerned about her behaviour but could you go out together? I absolutely loved when my big sister looked after me xx

Goes out dressed as a tart

I gave up reading at that point.

I have a similar situation but in reverse, my 12 yr old daughter is difficult and her step dad has to cope with her challenging behaviour. In contrast the son we have had together is an angel

Well aren't you the charmer. No wonder step mothers get a bad name

Iget the "tarty" comment just the same way I would get a man being called a fckboy" which is the modern day equivalent. It's not sexist to call a woman a tart in my opinion but dressing that way is symptomatic of a whole host of other problems*

Another charmer. And when is that insult ever lobbied at a young man? Answer- never.

Yes I imagine being unloved and disliked as a child can make you a bit vulnerable. I have the t shirt. There should be more checks before people are allowed to randomly enter children's lives in this way.

You lost me at "fruitcake".

Dressing how she wants is not making her difficult to deal with, that's obviously your problem.

Having unprotected and frequent sex is not through a massive fault of her own and doesn't make her a difficult child, you know where the cause is and you can help her with it. It's obviously a response to neglect and you are so horrible by using it as a reason to try and make her look bad.

The other thing is swearing and rudeness - like literally every other teenager on the planet. If you weren't prepared to try and parent a teenager then maybe you should rethink your arrangements.

I can't see where this poor girl has actually done anything properly wrong.

Not much advice op but I’ve been there with 2 step daughters and it’s bloody hard. One behaved a lot like yours, 10 years on she’s a nurse with a family of her own and she’s lovely.
Their mother was an alcoholic who brought various men home whilst drunk, the girls used to be left alone and they never knew what they would be getting up to each morning, they saw their mother get beaten up by one of her one night stands.
Things came to a head when she dropped the girls on my doorstep with their belongings. The younger one was 13 and pregnant.
With a pre teen of my own and a baby with special needs life became unbearable and it broke my marriage up. Their father, my husband at the time simply would not parent and I couldn’t do it by myself. They were very troubled children.
They went to live with their maternal grandparents who gave them the stability they needed to become the women they are now.
I can never understand why step mothers get such a hard time on here.
Also on MN the belief that the birth mothers are saints and the step mother is the wicked witch. Utter bollocks.
Wishing you lots of luck.

I was with you until you typed my 'perfect' nearly three year old 🙄.
You don't sound like you like your step daughter and she will sense it .