I'm 31 and have a 17 year old step daughter

[SJWRSW]

I'm probably going to get some backlash for this but I need some advice before I lose my sanity. My stepdaughter moved in with my husband and I when she was 14 only 6 weeks before I gave birth to our first child together. I had previously miscarried and the second pregnancy was rough. Step daughter was troubled, self harming. I had only met her a handful of times before she moved in. Her biological mom is a (offensive term edited out by MNHQ) So I totally get that.
Since step daughter moved in we have had a number of issues, and on the whole I feel I've delt with it OK up until tonight when I had a mental breakdown. She will be 18 in a few months and I just turned 31 myself yesterday. She's a very disrespectful teenager, very miserable, difficult to be around. Does nothing to help round the house, barley notices her little sister. She lies all the time, taken drugs, had unprotected sex umpteen times. Goes out dressed as a tart with her fake ID. Her dad just gives her what she wants. For a massive chunk of her life he wasn't allowed to see her so I get that he doesn't want to be the bad dad.
As a first time mom to my perfect nearly 3 year old I have struggled with the step daughter being under our roof too. It all happened so quickly going from 2 of us to 4 of us in 6 weeks.
My mom and my mother in law continue to say "well that's teenagers for you" everytime I mention that I'm struggling with my step daughter. I don't feel that's very constructive and only Makes me feel worse.
My husband and I argue all the time over her and its becoming to be wearing on me. We never used to be like that.
My step daughter is seeing a therapist each week but it doesn't appear to be doing much and I feel its just made her more secretive. She sleeps around and has admitted she has this need to be wanted.
I love my husband and he is a amazing dad to our nearly 3 year old but I am at breaking point and I do not know how much longer I can continue to put a brave face on every day. I sounds like a right cow saying this about my step daughter as I know she hasn't had a easy ride in life. We have done nothing but given her the world. Showered her with love and tried so hard to be a proper family but she's so disconnected. It's become unbearable for me. Any advice??

This is a child who has clearly emotional issues and understandably so. A mother who abused her emotionally to the point she wants nothing to do with her anymore, but yet battling with the fact that deep inside, she still loves her, and therefore probably miss her love desperately.

A father who she's never bonded with, who is looking after her, but who she probably doesn't feel close to as a daughter and father normally do. She senses that he doesn't know how to deal with her emotional need and that makes her even more threatened to let her love him.

Then there is you, probably the only person who showed her unconditional love and who she probably feels closer to loving healthily, except that you are her step-ups and as such, possibly not a constant in her life. So she tests you, not even willingly, she probably kicks herself when she upsets you, but something makes her do it, just to see if you'll still love her and be there for her, even when she is horrible.

This is so typical of children who've been raised by unemotionally involved parents. They are extremely demanding emotionally and very hard to deal with by the people who become close to them. It is not surprising you are finding overwhelming. I sense from your posts that you don't blame her, you are just exhausted from holding her up.

I understand that it must be hard for your husband, but it is ultimately his responsibility to try to build that father-daughter bond with her and learn to take on the emotional overload. She needs undivided emotional attention.

Ideally, she'll meet someone who will be her rock, but it is a very scary prospect for a young man and she is therefore attracting the wrong ones, those who make promises and then let's her down.

I can relate to a much lesser degree to what she's been through and what 'saved' me was having my daughter. I waited until I was 29, stabled and more mature, thankfully, but the moment I held her, I knew I could love unconditionally for the first time because I knew that if I was a good mum to her, she wouldn't run away from me or push me away. The weight that came off my shoulder the day she was born in undescribable.

It might be extremely tough OP, but you will get the rewards because deep inside, she is probably a great person, and when she becomes more emotionally stable, she will finally show her gratitude towards you for being the only adult who went beyond to be there for her.

"Fruitcake", "dressing like a tart" - can only hope this isn't real.

If you want help and advice and not criticism, OP, then my help and advice is to watch your language. She will pick up on the little misogynies, victim blaming and idolisation of her sister that you included in just one post here. I doubt you can say all that here without some of those issues of yours creeping into your interactions with her. You can shower her with love but then comment on her 'inviting trouble' due to her clubbing attire will undo it all. I'd address your thinking around topics like this and I'll bet that has a positive affect on your relationship with her.

Shes told you why she does it, to feel wanted. She probably feels like an additional extra in a family she barely knows.
Tbh OP your language is very telling, you're child is 'perfect' and shes a 'nightmare'. If you treat kids as a 'nightmare' this often exacerbates their behaviour.
Why dont you and DH involve her more? Do something with her shes interested in. Make her feel wanted with the family.

Could your DH watch the 2year old and you could do a bit more to make her feel happier - you say yourself her mum is shit, and her dad hasn’t been about most of the time. She sounds like she needs to be prioritised.

I have a 2 year old, a 15 and a 17 year old. On numerous occasions the 2 year old has been bundled in the car sleeping as my older children need a lift. The older ones often can’t be bothered with the 2 year old, especially if he plays with (wrecks) some of their stuff. They both have a lock on their doors so he can’t go in their room.

posted to early, I meant to say, I think it’s pretty normal for teenagers to lack interest in babies and toddlers, and it does the toddler good to know the world doesn’t revolve around them

She sounds lonely.

Does she know what her 'good' points are? That when she smiles, her face lights up the room? That she is worthy of your love, her father's love, her baby sister's love? That above all, you want her to be happy, safe and feel loved? That she's worth so much more than the uncaring pawing of somebody who wants an underage/young girl's body and not the caring person underneath, the one who her horses love and trust?

If she has horses, I wonder whether that's something you've always had? How do you deal with a traumatised horse - by shouting and focusing on the negative behaviour, or by looking at her body language, seeing the fear, the desire to flee or fight for survival and making sure you are a calm, safe person in their scary, insecure life to encourage a safer response?

I'm with @mcmen05. I don't know why OP is receiving such nasty comments. She is struggling and has reached out for help. Yes, she could have worded things differently but fgs give her a break! Sounds to me like she's trying her best. OP I would step back if I were you and focus on your little one. Leave your step daughter to her mum and dad. I've been roughly where you are and it can be almost impossible IME to be involved. I walked away. Best of luck to you.

don't know why OP is receiving such nasty comments

Perhaps because of her foul disablist, sexist and misogynistic language?

I've actually reported her opening post for the word she has used to describe her step daughter's mother and the vile description of her stepdaughter. I will also be reporting every poster who has used the word "fruitcake" (unless it was to criticise the OP's use of it)

*MissBarbary! Good. I have been deleted as I objected to this rubbish.

I totally agree with you.

No Billie, I think you were probably deleted for being gratuitously nasty about the OP's presumed nationality. Not for being on a righteous crusade against disablism and sexism... for acting like a bigot and a bully yourself. Get down off the cross 🙄

I think perhaps OP your phrasing hasnt been the most helpful, but I do have some concept of the issues you are outlining.
I have a stepdaughter who was 14 when I gave birth to my son (her half brother), I was 26. The problems I had were immense, and she didnt even live with us.
16 years later we've discovered it was extreme jealousy of me that she had never expressed and had never been obvious but had just manifested as really bad behaviour which made my life miserable and really difficult.
The problem is when things do get to a level when they are inappropriate, like going out in completely inappropriate clothing, excessive drug taking etc there is a point where the adults in question do have to say something. If your husband is not taking a responsible and active role the emphasis really needs to be on him to step up. You need to make it very explicitly clear that his daughters mental health and potential physical well being could be in danger and he needs to be in a position to help ensure the danger is reduced.
Part of the problem I had was my husband was always too afraid of upsetting his daughter to say anything too her and wouldn't say boo to a goose. He repeatedly said he didnt want to loose her, however she was aware of his weakness and used this as a manipulation technique. She always commented about how much she needed him etc when in fact he spent far more quality time with her after he was in a relationship with me than before. I ensured they spent an entire day alone doing an activity together and if he could manage with his work schedule a full evening too. Previously he had just seen her by virtue of being in the same house rather than spending time together.
She hated her brother and was actually nasty from the moment he was small, she had completely untrue ideas and built a fantasy world in her mind.
Your SD needs to be challenged but her father needs To be the one to talk about it during together time. They need to have together time every saturday for example and after they are improving their relationship they can slowly introduce the topic.

I know exactly how hard it is to live with this and how much effort you are investing personally (I gave my all), but you are not her mum she resents you for acting like you are. Only her dad is her parent. Add the complexity of teenage angst to emotional issues to parental separation to a new stepmum to a new sibling. All are difficult, add them together, it's obviously a difficult, almost impossible load. Trying drugs, drink, sex arent uncommon, making a habit of them are a problem. Be careful what battles you choose.
Ultimately dad has to be the one to deal with this, she probably already resents you. You've taken her dads attention yourself, you've provided a baby who also takes her dads attention and who takes your own attention too, both in terms of favour and sheer time, a child who suffers emotional issues will not necessarily understand or be able to cope with this. You need to be lenient, give her a break, and let her dad hang out with her without question. He can maybe buy her a nicer outfit too!

The OP also needs to take a long, hard look at herself. She is so full of her belief in her own virtue and goodness yet comes across to me anyway as oblivious to how vile her language and attitudes are.

MissBarbary why don’t you just hide the thread instead of sticking the boot in even more. Are you a step parent? Do you have any idea how difficult it is trying to parent yet not parent a child who already has parents even though they are both worse than useless. When you have had that experience come back and tell us all about it eh.

All 3 of my SK live with my husband & I, we had a chat with each of them about what behaviour we will & will not tolerate and made it clear what we expected and the ground rules whilst also understanding that they are teenagers going through difficult emotional changes so didn’t expect perfection and encouragement is always given for all of us to be emotionally open as much as possible. I have 2 of my own & of course I feel differently about them and I do love them more than my SK It’s just how they are treated in front of my SK is the same. My husband’s ex said abhorrent things about me to my SK so to say you must never say anything negative about her is unrealistic.

Ella - experiences of step-parenting are irrelevant when using such awful language.

Ellathechristmasfairy

MissBarbary why don’t you just hide the thread instead of sticking the boot in even more. Are you a step parent?

Being a step-parent is no excuse for the horrible, disablist language the OP has used. She came on here expecting tea and sympathy- she needs to examine herself with as much hard scrutiny as she is happy to apply to a troubled child.

MissBarbary why don’t you just hide the thread instead of sticking the boot in even more. Are you a step parent?

OP is happy to "stick the boot" into her step daughter and her step daughter's mother.

Wish you'd come back, SJWRSW. Ignore the negatives, you came on here to vent and hoped for some support - well support exists.

That sounds really tough.
You have had some great advice here, ignore the unhelpful.
Has Dad tried family counseling with his DD?