Dictating what happens at our home ref bedrooms

[Spanglyprincess1]

So current two youngest Dsc share 8 (dsd) and 9 (Dss). And eldest Dsc (12 dss) is on a daybed in the dinning room. All is fine. Plans are when youngest dss goes to high school to swap rooms so two dss are upstairs and dsd is on daybed. Logic is she's too young now (has medical conditions) plus is staggeringly irresponsible. We have them overnight 1 day in week, eow and half school hols.
Other option was to have three is largest room and split with a room divider but dp didn't want that.
Last night their mom called dp n said she's not happy as middle one dss is sexualised now and wants two boys upstairs or is stopping contact.
This isn't okay for dsd at all for medical etc reasons and we don't wnat to do that. The room arrangements and changes when at high school were all agreed at mediation last year. The children are happy and we have had no behaviour issues (their mother has at her home but we haven't).
Surely she can't dictate contact like this?

I think you've misread... Its the boy she's worried about not dsd.
The room isn't big enough... As already said.
I am not doing into dsd medical conditions she's on smae floor as her mom and is on same floor as us due to previous issues.

Caspianbergs suggestion sounds good.

The one year old has a bedroom. It isn't a long term solution, he has terrible sleep issues as it is and it's his home too. It's a non negotiable for both me and for dp.
Other option is all three share as 1 year old is a boy but that wouldn't work as he would disrupt the older 2 sleep and the one has high school. So it isn't fair on them

They are getting too old to share I agree with her you need to sort arrangements out. Get the boys to share you out dsd in the box room and you or you're dh have you're 1 year old in you're room and put a travel cot downstairs with you on the day bed.

And this is why if your a step parent mn is awful and full of people.
The baby can't exactly dispaear now can he?

So why have another baby when you had other dc to consider? No one seems to think of these things and wonders why theres problems with sleep arrangements.

Thank you for your advice. I'm going to let dp sort it out with a soclitors letter n mediation I suspect, though hopefully it can be resolved before that.
Cheers to ppl who were actually helpful.

You need to comprise and make appropriate arrangements they are getting older and need space.

In most schools 8 and 9 year old boys and girls change separately so I'm hoping that she means sexually aware rather than sexualised. It sounds like you're doing your best. I think that you need to either ask mum if dsd downstairs with a baby monitor would be ok - otherwise the only other solutions are baby sleeps with you when stepchildren visit.

Well then your DP needs to tell her that the current arrangements are 'non negotiable'. She will know where she stands then and can seek legal advice/ take action based on that. I do think refusing to have a one year old in with you for a couple of nights a fortnight so older kids can have some privacy isn't really fair tbh. I imagine the ex will feel the same and whilst stopping contact isn't necessarily the right way to go about things it's your DP and his kids who will suffer. But it's 'non negotiable' so you've made your priorities clear.

be prepared to go back to Court, where she can explain her reasoning.

What were you hoping for here? People have made very reasonable suggestions and you seem determined to do nothing. I suspect you were hoping that everyone would agree that the children's mother is being unreasonable, but to be honest her concerns are valid.

i would do

daybed in dining room and also a travel cot so one of you sleeps with the baby down there if needed (also cot in your room for 1 year old)

frees up 2 other bedrooms - girls one boys other. problem solved.

i agree with the mother tbh - 11+ is not an age that should be set in stone. kids get sex earlier nowadays and i find it inappropriate kids that age sharing a roomforced. if they want to find, but they absolutely need to have their own space. girls can have periods at 9!

I suspect the courts would be interested to hear the genuine concerns from the dm. The dc are older end of the day appropriate arrangements need to be made.

Dsd’s bed fit in your room? Or the babies room? With the nursery as is.. then on that night if babies unsettled travel cot n day bed for whoever’s “on shift”.
Then mediation to find out the root of the problem? Stops her cutting any contact in the mean time until there’s something that could be done or until you could work out something better?
If her bed fits in your room you could pop a curtain round it or something to make it more private?

I have sympathy for the lack of flexible communication.
Also not much sympathy for the attitude to say second wives/partners should give up any aspirations of having kids if their partners already have them.
If you do have to go to court or mediation it probably would be useful if you have some ideas of meeting the concerns around your DSD. I think the suggestion of giving her the babies room for now and adults using the daybed with the baby in a travel cot if sleep is disturbed is a good one. You can still put the baby down for a nap in your bedroom during the day.

Sharing is okay with mixed sex siblings when young but they now need their own space.

It sounds like you need to either have a home that actually caters for your family or no overnights.

I understand the annoyance that it was agreed in mediation so should stand but as a parent, you don't always know what strategies and arrangements won't work or need to be changed later. The problem as you said is the poor communication between ex and your h

Well no, the baby can’t disappear, but nor does a one year old need his own room and, considering you’re talking about 4 nights out of 14, him sleeping with you is by far and away the best and easiest solution for all concernedz

It's not their mum's call where they sleep when they're with their dad. She can express her concerns, but then it's up to your DP (and you) to weigh up the risks and practicalities.

Personally I think that DSD's medical condition and being close enough to be heard if she takes a turn for the worse trumps a 9-year-old just being more aware of bodies and sexuality (as he naturally will become). Perhaps consider a room divider - doesn't need to be a full wall, just one that folds out.

Presumably it wouldn't even help if the one year old went in with you as it sounds like his room is small and you couldn't put a bed in there anyway.

I think your current plan is fine and age appropriate. Unless their mum has a genuine incident to report then I would leave things as they are.

Well no, the baby can’t disappear, but nor does a one year old need his own room and, considering you’re talking about 4 nights out of 14, him sleeping with you is by far and away the best and easiest solution for all concerned

But not if he's in a box room and there isn't room for a bed without dismantling his cot completely?

I would say a 1-year-old who has the potential to disturb everyone's sleep and is there every day should stay in the small room.

The baby should go in your room when the step kids are staying.

It's only two nights a week a week and you're going to be getting up for him anyway

I would go step daughter in single room, boys in double and three sharers for you DP and baby. With the day bed downstairs used by either you or partner to get the sleep rather than sticking another cot in there. Its not like you are sleeping in the same room anyway so do that for now

The baby should go in your room when the step kids are staying.

It's only two nights a week a week and you're going to be getting up for him anyway

But this doesn't solve any problems when the baby's room is too small for a bed!

OP, has their mum given any reason why she is no longer concerned about her daughter not being close to you overnight anymore?? Has she had some kind of update on SD's health that means she no longer needs that level of supervision?

If you temporarily move people the baby can go in a truckle bed that can be used by an 8 yr old - get one that can have sides like a cot which can be removed when used by DSD