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Original poster

Dictating what happens at our home ref bedrooms

76 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 07/11/2019 09:43

So current two youngest Dsc share 8 (dsd) and 9 (Dss). And eldest Dsc (12 dss) is on a daybed in the dinning room. All is fine. Plans are when youngest dss goes to high school to swap rooms so two dss are upstairs and dsd is on daybed. Logic is she's too young now (has medical conditions) plus is staggeringly irresponsible. We have them overnight 1 day in week, eow and half school hols.
Other option was to have three is largest room and split with a room divider but dp didn't want that.
Last night their mom called dp n said she's not happy as middle one dss is sexualised now and wants two boys upstairs or is stopping contact.
This isn't okay for dsd at all for medical etc reasons and we don't wnat to do that. The room arrangements and changes when at high school were all agreed at mediation last year. The children are happy and we have had no behaviour issues (their mother has at her home but we haven't).
Surely she can't dictate contact like this?

OP posts:
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RB68 · 07/11/2019 12:29

At around 14 months my DD worked out how to climb out of a cot so had to go in a bed anyway

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 07/11/2019 12:30

Other option was to have three is largest room and split with a room divider but dp didn't want that.

I Think your DP needs to revisit this option.

Winesalot · 07/11/2019 12:38

I would have thought that if the DM was picking up something, you should be paying attention surely. That despite it being ‘decided’ even last year, you need to be ready to adapt to needs as things change and quickly if it is necessary.

Perhaps convert dining room fully into bedroom for both boys? Leave daughter up stairs.
The garden room outside if the eldest is old enough?
If you are already sleeping in one year old room, move one stepchild temporarily into the main bedroom til it gets sorted???

There is always a way to make it work if you actually want it to.

And be prepared to change things again when your own child is getting better at sleeping. It may mean that he sleeps in your room for a year or two til the next swap around needed.

I would definitely be asking deeper questions about the reasons behind what the mother is saying.

Besidesthepoint · 07/11/2019 12:52

What exactly did you have in mind for future sleeping arrangements and why can't you do that now? You say that the baby will disturb the oldest when he goes to highschool in a few years but the baby will be bigger by then and hopefully sleep through the night?

I understand that you feel undermined, and it is frustrating after all the mediation but she has a point and you have to make changes in a year or two anyway so just do it now?

crochetractor · 07/11/2019 13:48

I think turning the dining room and into a bedroom is a good idea.
One one of my friend's did this for her kids when they got too old to share and it worked really well.

I stopped going to my dad's when I was a teenager due to a similar setup (sleeping on a couch bed in the living room) so I do think you really need to sort something better out.
You're step daughter will really need her privacy in a few years time.

converseandjeans · 07/11/2019 14:21

I would turn dining room into a bedroom and put both boys in there. You could get them daybeds and some decent storage.

Baby needs to stay in own room. But really you need to sort sleeping out. You shouldn't be up and down every hour.

Then leave DD in her room. I imagine eldest used to have a room until baby arrived? Must be difficult as a child to accept new baby moving into their room?

PotteringAlong · 07/11/2019 15:07

There are 6 of you and 3 bedrooms. No one can have their own room here!

PotteringAlong · 07/11/2019 15:08

Sorry, pressed post too soon!

No one can have their own room unless someone triples up. You need to decide whether it’s best that that’s you, DH and baby or the children

Frankola · 07/11/2019 16:58

The moment you said you have a 1 year old with dh you were doomed OP.

Many Mumsnetters firmly believe that children of second marriages should be treated with utter lack of fairness if there are children from a first relationship as THOSE KIDS MUST ALWAYS COME FIRST Angry regardless of your situation.

I don't believe the 1 year old should move. I believe you should talk with the kids about what they would like within your boundaries and do that.

It's nothing to do with ex. And "threatening to stop contact" unless you do as she says is unsurprising...but means nothing. She cannot dictate your home to you.

RandomMess · 07/11/2019 17:14

One of you sleeps downstairs with DSD and she has the day bed.

It seems the easiest tbh. Plus whoever is upstairs listening out for 1 year old may sleep better because not actually sharing with 1 year old and waking at every noise...

I would actually be working on sort out 1 year old night waking as you must be utterly shattered.

Butterymuffin · 07/11/2019 17:14

I'm not down on step mums. But I do think it sounds most practical that the 1 yo goes in with the parents as they are up and down with them a lot anyway. I'd say the same if they were all kids of the same parents.

stuffedpeppers · 07/11/2019 18:07

So what happens when the baby needs more space - you will have 3 teens or at best 2 - so Baby gets big room, DSD gets box room and DSS gets downstairs - this is not going to work.

Firefliess · 07/11/2019 20:44

I don't think you'll get very far unless your DP is able to have a grown up conversation with his ex to understand her concerns. My DS and DD are both teens and still share a room at their dad's. There's been no other option and they, and I, understand that. They're obviously both sexually aware but that doesn't mean they can't share a room a night or two a week.

But it may be that something has happened that means your DSCs' mum is worried about them being "sexualised" If she does have reason to be concerned you really need to listen to her and be prepared to change the setup. You can't co-parent adequately if you can't or won't talk to each other

MIdgebabe · 07/11/2019 20:49

At 8 years old it's best practise to split sexes for bedroom. Waiting to 11 is unreasonable

ColaFreezePop · 07/11/2019 22:56

@MIdgebabe waiting until 11 is not unreasonable.

I grew up in an area where brothers and sisters shared bedrooms until they were 11 if their parents couldn't move house. In fact a couple of my siblings brought their first properties off such families this century.

If you don't have enough bedrooms then children have to share.

It's only in this century do people think that kids shouldn't share rooms and primary aged children are automatically sexualised.

Anyway OP agree with Frankola

Tminus3days · 08/11/2019 00:58

It's absolutely none of the ex's business and she cannot dictate what goes on in your home. Solicitor sounds like the best way to go for you.

Btw on MN never ever mention you have a child with your DH. They are second rate and defer second best of everything on here. Next time just say you have a 2 bed house and can't afford a 3rd.

aSofaNearYou · 08/11/2019 09:43

Having the one year old share with you is obviously not a long term solution because they will soon be a toddler, then a child, and will have the same need of space that the others have. So in as little as a years time the set up would have to change again, causing more disruption for the children. Presumably they will have more things, too, since they live there full time, so it would be highly impractical for them to be the only child without a bedroom.

The bottom line is no she can't dictate anything. It sounds like she has offered very little information as to what the problem is so I would just be asking her to expand further on why she suddenly thinks it is so imperative. There could be some worrying behaviour that would make the situation worth revisiting, but if it is purely that the son is becoming aware of bodies but hasn't displayed any worrying behaviours surrounding the issue, then she will quickly become unstuck when asked why she considers that more important than you being close to the daughter in the case of an emergency.

MIdgebabe · 08/11/2019 15:10

Just double checked, NSPCC say over 10, not 8. My mistake . If you go the legal route, you should try to adhere to best practise. I think I am muddling with schools where it's usually from year 5 that separate changing is provided

HeckyPeck · 09/11/2019 00:45

Ignore the people who think you should make your baby disappear/magic up a 4 bed house. They’re always the same!

I’d just keep things the same and sort out a divider for privacy. His ex won’t have a leg to stand on then if she does mess around with contact.

BellyButton85 · 09/11/2019 02:47

IMO you shouldn't have moved in together if you couldn't comfortably sleep his DC. I wouldnt be very happy being their mother knowing one of my children doesn't even have a proper bed nevermind a room at their fathers house

Tminus3days · 09/11/2019 08:28

IMO you shouldn't have moved in together if you couldn't comfortably sleep his DC.

Say they move out of the house and live separately, so one of his DC (I.e. his young baby) isn't allowed to sleep in the house with their dad but his children by the ex are? Or what exactly are you suggesting since this man has 3 children?

Tminus3days · 09/11/2019 08:29

Oops sorry I meant 4 children

HeckyPeck · 09/11/2019 08:49

IMO you shouldn't have moved in together if you couldn't comfortably sleep his DC.

Perhaps you could lend OP a tardis?

Cakeandmorecake · 09/11/2019 08:52

Do you own the house? Could you extend your mortgage to get a loft conversion.

HeckyPeck · 09/11/2019 09:05

Have a look at bunk bed room dividers OP as well. Someone else had mentioned them on here before and they might be just what you’re looking for.

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