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Original poster

I want to spend time with just my DCs

110 replies

HowDeepIsYourGlove · 02/11/2019 07:47

I have 2 DCs from a previous relationship and so does DP. I work full time, long days so don’t get any quality time with my DCs during the week.
They’re still small so by the time I’ve collected them from the childminder after work it’s straight home to dinner, bath and then bedtime within an hour and a half. Weekdays seem such a rush and I miss them terribly. I also share custody with their dad so I only get two weekends a month to really spend time with them.
DP has his DCs a couple of weekdays for dinner and every other weekend. Our weekends with the kids are not the same, which before worked great because it meant we could focus on one set of children at a time.

However, recently DP has started working nights which means we don’t see each other at all in the week as he’s left for work before I get home from work. He’s still seeing his DCs for dinner in the week as he drops them home on his way into his shift.

My problem is I plan things for my DCs on the weekends I have them, nice activities that I want to enjoy doing with them and make memories and all of that cheesy stuff. However, DP keeps trying to invite himself and his DCs onto these things without asking me if I’m ok with it or if we want them there.

I’m very conscious of the fact our children haven’t chosen each other, we have, and that they still need one on one time with their respective parents. DP seems to get all the one on one time he wants with his DCs on his weekends but he has now started having them almost every weekend (their DM is very relaxed about contact) which means they’re always trying to tag along with us and it’s causing arguments between DP and I.

Last night, for example, I booked in advance and took my DCs to a Halloween disco at our local social club. Whilst there DP rang me and said “I haven’t seen you all week, can I come by for a beer”. Sure that’s fine.
Next thing I know he’s talking about “Oh I can’t get old oh DC2, not sure if she’s coming now”.

I was like “What? No. I’m spending time with my DCs. It’s my weekend with them”.
His DD would have had to stay over due to how late it finished and I just want to spend one on one time with my children.
DP gets his DC all to himself next weekend, I’ll make myself scarce for the whole it Saturday so they’ve got daddy to themselves and my DCs are at my Ex’s etc and I wish he’d offer us the same courtesy.

I’m not asking him to spend time with us without his DCs there before I get flamed, I’m happy to have my DCs all to myself and actually really enjoy it that way at times. If he wants to join us for a bit that’s fine but it’s certainly not asked of him.

I also spend time with his DCs without mine there so I’m more than fair in that regard.

I just feel he is forcing his DC into my plans all the time. It’s meant to be his DC weekend with their mum but we’ve been invited to PIL house for dinner so we’ve got them all day Sunday, I’m then taking my DC to a fireworks display which I’ve pre-bought tickets for.
DP asked to come with us, fine, but again he’s already saying “Oh but DSDs would love it, can we get them tickets?”
It’s relentless.

If I explain, no I don’t want them there he accuses me of being uncaring or mean to them. I’m not stopping him seeing them, he can go off and do whatever he likes with them but the weekends I have my DCs on their own I want it to stay that way. We have his DCs all next weekend on their own, currently they’re getting tons of time with dad.

How do I make him see how unfair he’s being? My DCs need time with their mummy on their own and that’s ok, isn’t it?

OP posts:
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Original poster
HowDeepIsYourGlove · 02/11/2019 07:48

Sorry title was meant to read
I WANT TO DO THINGS WITH JUST MY DC

Not sure where the don’t came from Confused

OP posts:
Inthemoment38 · 02/11/2019 07:55

MN will edit your title for you if you ask!

Original poster
HowDeepIsYourGlove · 02/11/2019 07:57

@Inthemoment38 how do I ask?

OP posts:
Duchessofealing · 02/11/2019 07:57

I can see both sides of this, he’s trying to blend the family, and the special things you are doing with your DC do sound fun and your DSC will also enjoy them.
Why not do some less “obviously fun” things with your DC - maybe a coffee and a cake out or a walk in the autumn leaves then he might not feel his DC are missing out so much.
Also - stop making yourself scarce - you are now part of their lives and their family, making yourself scarce looks like you don’t want them.
Have you told him you just want time alone with them? Because if you are happy for him to come but not DSC it feels like it is about DSC and not alone time.

dancemom · 02/11/2019 07:57

So you're happy for your partner to join you and your dc at these activities but not your partners children?

user1493413286 · 02/11/2019 07:59

I do understand that you want time with just your DC but you and your DP just don’t seem to be on the same page and I wonder how your approach will effect the future. Either you and your DP are a family with all of your children or you are two separate parents with your own children, it sounds like you want to be the second one and your DP wants to be the first. I can see how you’d take your approach at the beginning but I don’t really see how it works over the long term especially living together as how do all of your children form relationships and how do you as adults form relationships with the children. I wonder how the children will understand your approach in the future; whether his children will just think you’re disinterested in them especially as you live with their dad yet make yourself scarce when they visit.
There is a balance where you could agree on a certain amount of time that your children get just with you but it sounds like you expect your weekends with them to always be just you and them.

Fuckenstein · 02/11/2019 08:00

I'm on the fence here a bit to be honest, I see where you are coming from but do you really need the entire day to have alone time with the children? If you are going yo be a family it's nice to do things together.
Are his children nice? Well behaved? Is there a massive age gap?

Original poster
HowDeepIsYourGlove · 02/11/2019 08:01

@dancemom if he’s asks to come along occasionally I’ll say ok, I’d prefer it if he didn’t do be honest. Like I said, I want one on one time with my DCs. He gets plenty of that with his.

@Duchessofealing I make myself scarce on the Saturday because they need time with their dad without me there, it’s important they do. I spend the Saturday night/Sunday with them though, without my children there too.
Also I don’t see why my DCs shouldn’t be doing some “obviously fun” things with their mummy? Why should I dampen down our activities to suit my DP?

OP posts:
Beamur · 02/11/2019 08:03

This would drive me mad too!
Your DP is being very thick thinned about this if you have explained what you want but he keeps gate-crashing your time with your kids.
I'm a SM and have a DD of my own and whilst my SC's are all grown up now, our arrangement meant we had an equivalent amount of time with all the kids, or just DD. Which was perfect to be honest! The fact that the time you see your kids is more limited makes it all the more precious.

Original poster
HowDeepIsYourGlove · 02/11/2019 08:04

We do have a balance and the children do all spend time together as do we with each other’s DCs. But if I want one on one time with my DCs I don’t think it’s fair for him to try and encroach on that and make me feel guilty because he wants in on it.

The irony is he is always harping on about having one on one time with his kids or saying “They need a daddy day so we’re going bowling/swimming/cinema” and there fine.
I wonder how he’d feel if I suddenly rang my ex and collected the kids to join in on these activities? I’m sure he’d be feeling differently

OP posts:
Seahorseshoe · 02/11/2019 08:05

Hmmm it's a tough one. Do all the children get on? If they do, as an outsider looking in, it would be nice, if you plan to spend the rest of your life with this man, for your families to mix well and get on.

On the other hand, I know I would just want time with my DC all by my myself too, if I were in your boat.

I think you need a frank discussion. Honesty is the best policy, but I'm quite a "this is how it is" kind of person. I think there are times when you should make an effort for your whole family - all the kids, to bond and make memories together, but I don't think it's unreasonable to want occasional time alone with your children, in this relationship.

Hatherden123 · 02/11/2019 08:06

I think you are both doing your best - just not communicating very clearly.

You need to clarify for each other - so when he says can I come over for a beer - you clarify with him that he means just him not extra children.

You can both be a bit more flexible when the patterns are established - at the moment yu have n't got your - this is our normal pattern - established

HelloYouTwo · 02/11/2019 08:06

I don’t think you’re wrong, but tbh saying the DSC can’t come to a fireworks display is a bit rotten! A big public event would be ideal for doing something together . If you’d booked tickets for a show your dc love or to an activity you want to allow them to enjoy for themselves without diluting your time that’s different. You don’t say how old they all are, that can make a difference- if yours are little and the DSC are older and better at things that can really put a dampener on your activities. Or if your are older having little ones tag along can make an activity very limited. Do the children get along and like each other?

MissBPotter · 02/11/2019 08:07

I think it would look a little strange to take just your DC to a fireworks display and it invite his DC.

I do see your point that you want time alone with them but I’m not sure it is compatible with being in a blended family.

I also think it is a bit strange that you make yourself scarce on the Saturdays. I can understand you not always joining them but I wouldn’t have thought you’d have to always go out all day.....

On the other hand could it be that your dp doesn’t plan interesting or fun activities with his dc and should do so more?

It’s a very difficult situation but I think you need to think of yourselves as one big family a bit more.

HelloYouTwo · 02/11/2019 08:07

Just seen your latest post. Perfectly fair for you to say “no DP, kids need a mummy day with just me. See you later.”

Fatshedra · 02/11/2019 08:08

Can you spend some time with him and his DCs when he has them - then he can't complain he doesn't see you . Sounds like he wants you there to help entertain his to me.

keepingbees · 02/11/2019 08:08

I see your point. It probably feels he's prioritising his DC and they have the best of every situation.
Just do what he does and say 'they need a mummy day, we're off to do xxxx today' and that's that. Don't invite him. Have quality fun time with your DC, make him fit around you, like he does with you.

Inthemoment38 · 02/11/2019 08:12

I think if you report your own thread and then write what you'd like them to change it to, that should do it. Hopefully someone will say if there's a better way.

Original poster
HowDeepIsYourGlove · 02/11/2019 08:13

@Fatshedra read my OP, I do that all the time

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 02/11/2019 08:14

It doesnt sound like being in a relationship us working for you. You hardly see each other by the sounds of it, and dont want to blend your families to get more time together.

Do you actually want to be in a relationship?

DriftingLeaves · 02/11/2019 08:14

YANBU. Just keep telling him you deserve one on one time just as he does. Selfish git.

INeedNewShoes · 02/11/2019 08:15

I can completely see why you want some time just you and your DC.

I can also see why your DP would think that if you're taking your DC to a big busy public event (disco, fireworks) that it's fair game for him to ask to come along.

Aside from those sorts of outings I think it's fair for you to say 'my kids and I need a day just us tomorrow).

I do think that you need to sit down and have a proper calm chat with your DP, detached from any specific event and talk to him about how you feel about missing your kids and that on at least one day each weekend that you have your DC that you feel it's important to give them your undivided attention and that means it's just you and your DC on that day.

Original poster
HowDeepIsYourGlove · 02/11/2019 08:16

@keepingbees I don’t invite him. I just tell him what I’m up that weekend in advance. Sometimes he’ll want to come along, sometimes he won’t, I’m not fussed either way. I just don’t want him hijacking everything I do with my kids for his kids.

@MissBPotter his kids are going to a fireworks display tonight with their mum and it’s her weekend. My DCs are going to a fireworks display on Sunday with their mum (me), what’s weird about that?

OP posts:
SeaSidePebbles · 02/11/2019 08:18

YANBU.
I would sit your DP down and spell out the rules.

So, you don’t live together, but he brings his kids around to yours when he has them?
And when you organise stuff with your kids, he piggy backs his onto you as well?

No matter what he tells you, if you don’t want this to happen, you just say no.

I speak as a mum, and my DP has a DD too. We live together, his DD, whom I adore, is with us EOW.
We don’t do childcare for each other. We don’t mix the two unless it’s the panto at Christmas or something like that. My DD does not babysit his DD. We keep the parenting pretty separate. Yes, there is an age gap, but I enjoy spending time with my DD on my own, his is at an age when she needs her dad all the time.
I keep it fair. I have one day off in the week, so always meet my DD in town for a coffee and a chat. Without DP. I take mine on a mother daughter holiday every year. That stays sacred. yes, DP wanted to come too. I said I’m happy to have a blended family holiday AS WELL, I need time just with my DD, so what I book with mine stays like that.
HTH

MissBPotter · 02/11/2019 08:18

I also wonder if you should cut your working hours down so you’re 4 days a week, as it sounds like you miss your dc so much because you don’t see them much during the week.
Obviously might not be possible but worth considering.