I want to spend time with just my DCs

[HowDeepIsYourGlove]

I have 2 DCs from a previous relationship and so does DP. I work full time, long days so don’t get any quality time with my DCs during the week.
They’re still small so by the time I’ve collected them from the childminder after work it’s straight home to dinner, bath and then bedtime within an hour and a half. Weekdays seem such a rush and I miss them terribly. I also share custody with their dad so I only get two weekends a month to really spend time with them.
DP has his DCs a couple of weekdays for dinner and every other weekend. Our weekends with the kids are not the same, which before worked great because it meant we could focus on one set of children at a time.

However, recently DP has started working nights which means we don’t see each other at all in the week as he’s left for work before I get home from work. He’s still seeing his DCs for dinner in the week as he drops them home on his way into his shift.

My problem is I plan things for my DCs on the weekends I have them, nice activities that I want to enjoy doing with them and make memories and all of that cheesy stuff. However, DP keeps trying to invite himself and his DCs onto these things without asking me if I’m ok with it or if we want them there.

I’m very conscious of the fact our children haven’t chosen each other, we have, and that they still need one on one time with their respective parents. DP seems to get all the one on one time he wants with his DCs on his weekends but he has now started having them almost every weekend (their DM is very relaxed about contact) which means they’re always trying to tag along with us and it’s causing arguments between DP and I.

Last night, for example, I booked in advance and took my DCs to a Halloween disco at our local social club. Whilst there DP rang me and said “I haven’t seen you all week, can I come by for a beer”. Sure that’s fine.
Next thing I know he’s talking about “Oh I can’t get old oh DC2, not sure if she’s coming now”.

I was like “What? No. I’m spending time with my DCs. It’s my weekend with them”.
His DD would have had to stay over due to how late it finished and I just want to spend one on one time with my children.
DP gets his DC all to himself next weekend, I’ll make myself scarce for the whole it Saturday so they’ve got daddy to themselves and my DCs are at my Ex’s etc and I wish he’d offer us the same courtesy.

I’m not asking him to spend time with us without his DCs there before I get flamed, I’m happy to have my DCs all to myself and actually really enjoy it that way at times. If he wants to join us for a bit that’s fine but it’s certainly not asked of him.

I also spend time with his DCs without mine there so I’m more than fair in that regard.

I just feel he is forcing his DC into my plans all the time. It’s meant to be his DC weekend with their mum but we’ve been invited to PIL house for dinner so we’ve got them all day Sunday, I’m then taking my DC to a fireworks display which I’ve pre-bought tickets for.
DP asked to come with us, fine, but again he’s already saying “Oh but DSDs would love it, can we get them tickets?”
It’s relentless.

If I explain, no I don’t want them there he accuses me of being uncaring or mean to them. I’m not stopping him seeing them, he can go off and do whatever he likes with them but the weekends I have my DCs on their own I want it to stay that way. We have his DCs all next weekend on their own, currently they’re getting tons of time with dad.

How do I make him see how unfair he’s being? My DCs need time with their mummy on their own and that’s ok, isn’t it?

Op, some people seem to think certain children within a family unit should have absolutely everything and everyone should bend over backwards for them to detriment of other people.

It depends on how you two best communicate.

With my DP timing is everything! He "can't" have a serious talk first thing in the morning, when he's hungry or tired. Or on a Friday evening! I do tease him for this and we both know it's more to do with his slight tendency to avoid possible confrontation. I usually say "DP, after dinner can we talk about a couple of things I've been thinking about". And then he knows a Talk is coming and he listens and doesn't feel ambushed and brings his reasonable head to the talk.
Probably sounds silly but it really works and our communication is a real strength. I'm telling you this just to make the point that there's probably a communication style that works best for you if you think about it. If I was trying to have the talk that you are, part way through I'd fetch the calendar and talk through monthly patterns so it was visual and you could both point out adjustments needed or just make it crystal clear.
Also OP I would say don't make any "forever" rules just day this is what I feel we need to agree and stick to for now.

Ask him:

In the last 2 months how much leisure time have your DC had with just you?

In the same time how much leisure time have my DC had with just me?

Let him see in hours the inequity.

On a weekday how much leisure time do they vary with you - 10 minutes at bedtime? What do his get on the 2 evenings a week, half an hour/hour each time?

Then the weekends when he has had just them for 2 whole days versus what your have had.

Ime him gate crashing your plans with his dc is far easier than actually planning himself. Then he looks great to his dc they are doing something fun. Zero effort on him.
My exh was the same.
Exh...
You know your dc are being treated unfairly really.
Act or Ltb is my advice..
Ltb was my option, or rather throw the lazy twat out option...

HER time with HER kids is being compromised because her dp is not extending the same courtesy to her and her kids as she is to him & his.

Agree with this.
OP you are just going to have to sit him down and tell him you are both entitled to a daddy/mummy day and you won't be encroaching on eachothers day.

Don't change your activities to something boring so DP doesn't want to come.

Just be a bit vague about what you are doing until you get back. It's not like you want to rub DSC's nose in it.

How to I say it without causing a huge row? He’s so defensive and implies I’m being horrible, whilst insisting his DCs have time with him.

If he isn’t listening to your point of view, or doesn’t care-he isn’t the sort of person I’d want to be with.

I honestly think it's laziness plus he doesn't want to deal with any "complaints" from his DC that they have missed out etc.

With his attitude it's always going to be an issue because he and his DC wants will always trump your and your DC needs...

I don’t think it’s laziness because he plans a lot for when he has his kids, he just doesn’t seem to grasp the concept that I may want to spend time with them on my own.
I’m not sure why, because he likes having his DCs on his own and carves out that time for them. Yet if I do the same with my DCs he implies I’m being cruel to his kids. Who at that same time should be spending time with their own mother.

I think he just wants his kids involved in everything that I do, I’m not sure why.
Sometimes I feel he is forcing them upon me, which is frustrating because I don’t do that to him with mine.
I wish he’d just relax and stop trying to force the issue. We spend plenty of time together, but it’s ok to do separate things too

Maybe his ego won't allow for the fact you enjoy your time without him?

Because his wants trump your NEEDS.

It's actually refreshing to read a thread where the mum isn't trying to blend the family at break neck speed. Your children do deserve time with you without the other kids. I wouldn't want my nieces piling in on every day out with my dc.

I agree with the "My kids need a mummy day" approach. It works for him, so it should work for you.

I think it's guilt

He feels guilty that he lives with someone else's kids, sees them every day more or less and not his own

I'm going to add another word to my motto

Consistency
Structure
Communication
Acceptance

You need a consistent approach

The contact needs to be structured so that everyone knows where they are

You both need to communicate about arragements

And it seems HE needs to accept that just sometimes his kids wont be around

@RandomMess it does seem that way a bit.
He’s lovely to my children and to me, as am I to his DCs. It’s just this one issue.
It’s almost as if he’s trying to force us to be one big family, which we are of course but it isn’t as simple as a nuclear family. I am not his DC’s mum and he isn’t my DC’s dad, and because of that things need to be handled more sensitively and the kids emotional needs put before ours.
I think I’m balancing it all quite well, I’m trying to make sure everyone in our little unit gets the time and attention they need.
Funnily enough tonight we are kid free for a bit as my DC’s grandparents have asked if they can have them for a couple of hours to take them to a relative’s party.
DP jumped on this when he realised and said he’ll invite his DC’s over. Which again is absolutely fine but I’ve made plans to have dinner with friends which he is now huffy about “But DCs are coming over now and will be disappointed you’re not here”.

Well he should have checked with me first. He doesn’t seem to understand that my life doesn’t revolve around his children just because his does. However I seem perfectly capable of doing the same in reverse, I don’t expect him to revolve his life around my DCs or even me for that matter.

@TrebleBadger he doesn’t see my children every day though, he’s working nights and we don’t get home until gone 6pm on weekdays and he’s already left.
He’s also not expected to parent my children or do anything for them, I do it. He has nothing to feel guilty about.

Thank you @readitandwept

Sorry @TrebleBadger that reads as if he is lazy which isn’t the case so I just want to clarify. I do everything for my DC because I’m with them and I enjoy doing it, DP isn’t expected to do it but would if I asked him if you see what I mean

Maybe he wants his dc involved in everything he does including things with you.
You and your dc don't trump his or him.
It's kinda that simple.

It's not about being lazy or not thinking about you.

It's fun to parent together, maybe you should have a proper sit down and talk together.

Lots of parent feel there isn't enough of them to go round, looking after dc, work and partners so he's just trying to blend it so he spends more time together.

For some reason he wants you to love and adore his DC.

Perhaps communicate with him "I love your DC, but they are not mine, they have a Mum. I also love time without any DC and time with just my DC doing things that are just for them. It doesn't make me love yours less."

I would also ask what he has planned next time he has his DC, then say "sounds great I'll pick my DC up and come with you." Listen to him object and say "why do your DC need time with just you?" Listen to him ramble on "so why do my DC not need time with just me?"

I have no advice just wanted to say that spending time with just my DC would be important to me too. I don't know if that would cause a strain in a blended family or not, but I know I'd feel the same way you do. Ideally he'd feel that way with his kids and everything would go smoothly. Good luck. You aren't wrong.

How to I say it without causing a huge row? He’s so defensive and implies I’m being horrible, whilst insisting his DCs have time with him

He’s being a selfish wanker, stop letting him turn this around on you!

Ask him WHY his children are allowed time with HIM, but YOURS aren’t allowed time with YOU

DONT stand for any bullshit.

One weekend his
One weekend yours
One weekend All
One weekend none

And if he wants to go and collect his on their mum’s weekends he takes them out independently.

Consistently crashing YOUR time with your kids, whilst carving out HIS time with your kids then calling YOU horrible is manipulative & needs to stop

Get him told and if he won’t listen, get him to leave. He’s not worrying about you or your kids.

He actually wants his dc on your adult only evening?
Sounds like he is drifting from wanting a dp to a childminder....

Remind him of what is posted upthread. You both get 1weekend a month with all the kids, 1 with no kids, 1 of you with yours, 1 of him with his. Ask him to clarify that he wants you to give up your weekend with your kids and don’t allow any blustering about ‘but I just thought it would be nice!’-no, that is to make you feel guilt and silences you, do not allow it. It all sounds like drudgery and whining, I wonder what’s so wonderful about him that makes all that worthwhile.

OP. You sound entirely reasonable and kind in your approach.
However nice your DP is, he is still using some subtle (and not very subtle) ways to manipulate you here.
You're wary about having a discussion around this as he will get angry (red flag) and he has perfected a technique of inserting himself into your time with your kids (I'll just join you for a drink) which seems to frequently lead into his kids coming too.
You will resent this increasingly (which will damage your respect for DP) or you will give in (which is what he is trying to get you to do)