I want to spend time with just my DCs

[HowDeepIsYourGlove]

I have 2 DCs from a previous relationship and so does DP. I work full time, long days so don’t get any quality time with my DCs during the week.
They’re still small so by the time I’ve collected them from the childminder after work it’s straight home to dinner, bath and then bedtime within an hour and a half. Weekdays seem such a rush and I miss them terribly. I also share custody with their dad so I only get two weekends a month to really spend time with them.
DP has his DCs a couple of weekdays for dinner and every other weekend. Our weekends with the kids are not the same, which before worked great because it meant we could focus on one set of children at a time.

However, recently DP has started working nights which means we don’t see each other at all in the week as he’s left for work before I get home from work. He’s still seeing his DCs for dinner in the week as he drops them home on his way into his shift.

My problem is I plan things for my DCs on the weekends I have them, nice activities that I want to enjoy doing with them and make memories and all of that cheesy stuff. However, DP keeps trying to invite himself and his DCs onto these things without asking me if I’m ok with it or if we want them there.

I’m very conscious of the fact our children haven’t chosen each other, we have, and that they still need one on one time with their respective parents. DP seems to get all the one on one time he wants with his DCs on his weekends but he has now started having them almost every weekend (their DM is very relaxed about contact) which means they’re always trying to tag along with us and it’s causing arguments between DP and I.

Last night, for example, I booked in advance and took my DCs to a Halloween disco at our local social club. Whilst there DP rang me and said “I haven’t seen you all week, can I come by for a beer”. Sure that’s fine.
Next thing I know he’s talking about “Oh I can’t get old oh DC2, not sure if she’s coming now”.

I was like “What? No. I’m spending time with my DCs. It’s my weekend with them”.
His DD would have had to stay over due to how late it finished and I just want to spend one on one time with my children.
DP gets his DC all to himself next weekend, I’ll make myself scarce for the whole it Saturday so they’ve got daddy to themselves and my DCs are at my Ex’s etc and I wish he’d offer us the same courtesy.

I’m not asking him to spend time with us without his DCs there before I get flamed, I’m happy to have my DCs all to myself and actually really enjoy it that way at times. If he wants to join us for a bit that’s fine but it’s certainly not asked of him.

I also spend time with his DCs without mine there so I’m more than fair in that regard.

I just feel he is forcing his DC into my plans all the time. It’s meant to be his DC weekend with their mum but we’ve been invited to PIL house for dinner so we’ve got them all day Sunday, I’m then taking my DC to a fireworks display which I’ve pre-bought tickets for.
DP asked to come with us, fine, but again he’s already saying “Oh but DSDs would love it, can we get them tickets?”
It’s relentless.

If I explain, no I don’t want them there he accuses me of being uncaring or mean to them. I’m not stopping him seeing them, he can go off and do whatever he likes with them but the weekends I have my DCs on their own I want it to stay that way. We have his DCs all next weekend on their own, currently they’re getting tons of time with dad.

How do I make him see how unfair he’s being? My DCs need time with their mummy on their own and that’s ok, isn’t it?

I think you are deliberately misinterpreting what I’m saying - I’m trying to be supportive and give advice to help and you seem to just want to argue. Nothing is wrong with wanting to do fun things, and I don’t believe that I said there was. You don’t seem to want to talk to you partner to sort it out so I was offering up solutions that could maybe avoid the confrontation. I’d also point out that they are still doing the extra fun things just all together so no one misses out - they get one on one time (where you can actually talk and bond better than at a disco or fireworks) and also time to blend in a fun environment with no pressure. I also offered up not telling him in advance which you ignored in order to try and fight me. You asked if you were being unreasonable, no I don’t think you are. You are unreasonable to pick holes in well meaning supportive comments on how it might be easier for you and how it might work better in the family as a whole.

Sorry - this was trending - just realise you are in step parenting not AIBU.

Seriously????
The op is doing EVERYTHING all the moaners on here are constantly shrieking at dads to do - ie spend one on one time with their dc & get stepmum & her dc to back off - & she's being criticized for it & is told she's cruel!?!
The double standards on MN are just unreal most of the time. HER time with HER kids is being compromised because her dp is not extending the same courtesy to her and her kids as she is to him & his.
@HowDeepIsYourGlove I don't think for one minute you sound unreasonable - you sound like a fantastic mum & a really respectful sm. if you haven't done so already I think you just need to have a really clear discussion with him & present him with how things are for him & his kids versus how they are for you & yours. Point out how you & your ex stick to access & as a result your kids get time with both parents & also time in the blended unit, but that his loose access arrangements mean that your kids are getting no breathing space whatsoever on their weekends with you & that's not fair. I also don't think you sound like you're pushing his kids out - far from it. They obviously get lots of time & treats with their dad & they too have to learn that if your dc don't do everything that they do with their dad then they don't need to be involved in everything you do with your dc.

I think you’re going to have to have a conversation about it and then be firm going forward. If he gets a weekend a month with one on one time then so should you.

I think you are right - why should your children have less of you than his DC have of him? I think he sounds selfish and a bit lazy tbh - can he not be bothered to book his own activities with his own children? Piggy backing on yours sounds like he leaves the mental energy of thinking and planning to you.
But it doesn't matter what we say. All that matters is that you are not happy and that you defend what you want for your DC. They do need quality time just with you and I think you sound like a fab mum.

I agree with you OP. I'm not interested in having blended family and I don't actually believe they work most of the time. However I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man with children.

I think you need to speak to him and state remember what we agreed

One weekend is me and my DC
One weekend is you and your DC
One weekend is all DC
One weekend is no DC

Is that agreed or not, because that is what my DC need and if you don't honour that agreement then we have a problem

@Jellybeansincognito I don’t see how it’s unfair. I spend time with his DCs without mine their regularly, I don’t think it’s unfair for him to occasionally come with us without his DCs. He can’t have it both ways.
Also, as I stressed in my OP I don’t ask or expect him to come with us, he asks to come.
His DCs also get to do nice things with their mum, I want my DCs to have the same.

You only posted about this the other week didn't you?

Magda exactly! If this was about a dad wanting time with his children, posters would not be calling it cruel or unfair! How many times has it been said on here that dads should have plenty of 1 on 1 time with their children? Why is it different for a mum?

Do people not realise that the stepmum’s children need time alone with their mum? And I say that in situations that involve half siblings too.

So your only excuse for not wanting his kids around is that they do fun stuff with their mum?

It speaks volumes that you’re ok with your partner being there but as soon as soon as his kids are they’re suddenly spoiling your alone time with your kids?

Does it really matter if they’re there or not? Your children are still doing something fun with their mum.
At the party did you tell everyone else to go home because they’re making it so you can’t spend special time with your kids?

YANBU

Perhaps in the future more weekends will be spent blended, and perhaps they might not.

You need to sit down and discuss it with him ASAP - before he/his kids begin misunderstanding you, or you (or your children) start really begrudging their presence.

HowDeepIsYourGlove I think you sound a tad resentful, but I also understand why.

It's the lack of structure to the contact times that's the problem here in my opinion

Being in a blended family you need to plan. Plan for time when it's you and your DC, plan for time with all 6 of you and also plan for you DP and the DSC. That's 3 different scenarios. Add to that the ever changing plans made between DP and his ex regarding the children. It's annoying when a spanner is thrown in the works and you're just expected to suck it up.

Someone upthread mentioned about communication. You and DP need to get better at communicating regarding the children and try to apply a bit of structure.
Thay way expectations can be managed

So your only excuse for not wanting his kids around is that they do fun stuff with their mum?

She wasn’t using it as an excuse. She was pointing out the FACT that these kids get to do fun stuff with their own mum. Plus their dad. So why on earth do they really have to tag along with the op and her kids too? I can see why that would grate to be honest. If they never did anything or went anywhere I’m sure the op would be more sympathetic and do more to invite them along to stuff. But let’s face it they’re not sitting in a dark room doing nothing are they?

It speaks volumes that you’re ok with your partner being there but as soon as soon as his kids are they’re suddenly spoiling your alone time with your kids?

More kids tagging along changes the dynamics. Everyone knows that.

At the party did you tell everyone else to go home because they’re making it so you can’t spend special time with your kids?

Don’t be silly. They were all strangers and would have been minding their own business.

I also think you need to start phasing out the mummy daddy days. And start to introduce family days.

Or don't put a name tag on it and it's just a day spent doing something nice with whoever is available on that day

YANBU OP. You are not being cruel or unfair to want time with your DC by yourself. Everyone will agree It's important for your DPs children to get one on one time with their Dad. Just because you are a Mother doesn't make you any different, Your children need that time too.

It speaks volumes that you’re ok with your partner being there but as soon as soon as his kids are they’re suddenly spoiling your alone time with your kids?

Does it really matter if they’re there or not? Your children are still doing something fun with their mum

Of course it’s different having another adult present to also having two other children there.
It completely changes the dynamics and it becomes about compromising to appease his kids too, which for one weekend a month I don’t want to have to do. I also don’t want my DCs to resent having them there every time they want to spend time with their mummy.
His children are a bit older than mine so it becomes about what they want to do a lot of the time, rather than my DCs. It’s hard trying to please 4 very different personalities so I don’t think I’m unreasonable in wanting to spend some time with them only.

@TrebleBadger we have plenty of family days, we have a whole weekend a month where we’re all doing things together. DP’s DCs are not left out of anything, I just think my weekends with my DCs it’s ok to want to spend time with only them, just as DP does with his DCs on his weekend with them.

So your only excuse for not wanting his kids around is that they do fun stuff with their mum?
It’s not an excuse, I don’t think I need an “excuse” to want to spend time with children on my own how very odd.

I was pointing out that his DCs get to do nice things and spend time alone with both parents, whilst mine are being denied that same right.

I wonder what the responses would have been if I’d posted as a dad who sees his DCs EOW and said my girlfriend was getting annoyed at me wanting to spend one on one time with my DCs. I’m sure it would be very different.

It seems only the SM’s DC must bend to appease the new family set up, not the other way around.

@TrebleBadger thank you, your post is exactly what my issue is. Trying to juggle everyone’s needs and happiness is difficult but it’s made more difficult by DP’s ever changing plans. If he stuck to his weekends like me and Ex do with ours then there would be no problems.
We’d all get the time with our families that we need, as well as family time all together

Op, be guided by your dcs needs, as you say they are young and dynamics do change if other people & dc there.

I suspect your partner is putting his DC first which is natural but giving him the benefit of the doubt he may not have thought through the consequences.

Getting time alone with your DC is actually a benefit of being a single parent. I recall very happy times with mine.
Have the conversation and hopefully he gets it...if he doesn't then you know he is either selfish or unable to empathise with your dcs needs.

Hi OP, I've been thinking this over a lot this morning and wondering what to comment because I grew up in a blended family where my step siblings and I had various combos of time in full new family, just me parent + new step parent, etc throughout the month.

Here's my two penn'orth:
There are 2 crucial things for you to manage as the adults in this. One is carefully facilitating the new whole family dynamic to grow in a relaxed and happy way that works for everyone. The second is for each child to feel they still get their own parent to themselves enough to maintain that as a special relationship and it's not just lumped in with the new big family.

I can see how hard you are trying to do exactly the above! So I think you're only issue is communication with your DP and you can fix that with some open honest talking with him. My only other concern would be to check in with yourself about how sure you are you do want a permanent commitment to the blended family as your future. If it is what you want, all that's missing now is that frank and honest agreement with DP about how together and separate time works.

@HowDeepIsYourGlove I totally get it, I really do.

I'm a Stepmum to 3 dsc and they live here for one week and then mums for a week. Week on week off. We've dont this for 6 years almost
Add to that my dd (not DHs) who permanently resides with us but stays with her dad one night per weekend.

Making plans is exceptionally difficult because of the moving pieces over which I have no control.

I've become unbelievably adaptable to change in recent years and have somewhat accepted this is life now.

Three words of advice.
Consistency
Structure
Communication

It's the only way to roll ha!

How to I say it without causing a huge row? He’s so defensive and implies I’m being horrible, whilst insisting his DCs have time with him.

OP I think the fact it is an open age activity is clouding the issue. A firework display is fun for everyone. If his kids are older then I would focus mummy time on age appropriate activities that your children will enjoy.